Reasons NOT to tell

[Steadfast]

There you have it. "One success story."

 

I'm two. LOL

 

I must admit when I'm down. Shown up...even...exposed?

 

Of course, never mind that I asked for proof of this method being successful regarding reconciliation. Can everyone see that word? Am I communicating it clearly? Why mix the facts in with the folly? We want to be right.

 

I have no dog in this fight. No pride. My pride was taken long, long ago and this method of behavior is a byproduct of that. I ask not to be proven wrong with boastful challenge, but instead to be proven wrong.

 

Being proven wrong for the right reasons is a very good thing. The real shame? Someone seeking help but finding this mindless bloviation instead.

 

Good thread kidd. Sorry to bog it down with this drivel.

[Decorative]

I must admit when I'm down. Shown up...even...exposed?

 

Of course, never mind that I asked for proof of this method being successful regarding reconciliation. Can everyone see that word? Am I communicating it clearly? Why mix the facts in with the folly? We want to be right. See, I have no pride here. My pride was taken long, long ago and this method of behavior is a byproduct of that. I ask not to be proven wrong with boastful challenge, but instead to be proven wrong.

 

Being proven wrong for the right reasons is a very good thing. The real shame? Someone needing help but finding this mindless bloviation instead.

 

Good thread kidd. Sorry to bog it down with this drivel.

 

What?

 

Furious and I are both in happy reconciliations.

 

So what on earth are you talking about? Who is boasting? And bloviating mindlessly?

 

I am years out from when this happened, I believe Furious is as well.

 

If you are talking about something else - you haven't been clear at all.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Here is what I'm struggling with:

Aren't you bothered by the fact that you had to expose the affair for your WS to go NC? That it wasn't a choice he made on his own? That perhaps the only reason he has NC with the OW is because she will not allow it? Wouldn't you prefer to know that he chose you of his own free will?

 

I am asking you this because these are the questions that I often ask myself when considering exposure. He says they no longer speak...'cause after years of lies I'm supposed to trust that's the truth, right?

 

I was bothered that my WS did not go NC as promised. Very much. But I also understand that the emotional high of the A could cause my WS to act irrationally. I wanted to take every step I could to ensure we had a chance to recon. I know that without NC I'd go insane myself. So I got that, for myself the best way I could. Now 8 months later the A holds no spell over my WS. We still are a long way from being reconciled but we have a chance that we would never have had if I did not do what I did. It's not the ideal way to get NC but I'm not holding out for perfect at this point. I'm into results. And no, I don't see it as having trapped the WS into being with me. I just got WS some breathing room to think about it. Now we both have to decide if we want to continue to be a couple. That is undecided. But at least we can look at what we want to do without the AP in the mix.

[Spark1111]

I must admit when I'm down. Shown up...even...exposed?

 

Of course, never mind that I asked for proof of this method being successful regarding reconciliation. Can everyone see that word? Am I communicating it clearly? Why mix the facts in with the folly? We want to be right.

 

I have no dog in this fight. No pride. My pride was taken long, long ago and this method of behavior is a byproduct of that. I ask not to be proven wrong with boastful challenge, but instead to be proven wrong.

 

Being proven wrong for the right reasons is a very good thing. The real shame? Someone seeking help but finding this mindless bloviation instead.

 

Good thread kidd. Sorry to bog it down with this drivel.

 

I get your point.

 

NO, there is no guarantee or proof that exposure will lead to anything other than exposure and all parties now operating with truth in hand.

 

That is all, and for me, that was enough.

 

I'm sure my WS could have just as easily wound up with his AP. Had she been married and not divorced, I would have exposed to her H too because I believe truth is the right thing to do.

[Decorative]

I get your point.

 

NO, there is no guarantee or proof that exposure will lead to anything other than exposure and all parties now operating with truth in hand.

 

That is all, and for me, that was enough.

 

I'm sure my WS could have just as easily wound up with his AP. Had she been married and not divorced, I would have exposed to her H too because I believe truth is the right thing to do.

 

Ah.

 

I had no idea that was the point. LOL

 

Thank you for explaining!

[BetrayedH]

My mind is in a lot of directions here.

 

If I had to summarize, it guess it would be that while widespread exposure may (and has) in some cases helped burst the affair bubble, is it something you would recommend? In the cases of Furious, Spark, and Decorative, exposure probably did create an environment that permits reconciliation. How interesting though that I don't think any of them chose it in order to reconcile. It was almost coincidental. I don't think any of you chose to expose in order to reconcile (but it may have helped). Would you advise it as a strategy or tactic?

[2sure]

When my X and I were attempting to reconcile I came to realize he had a problem, like an addiction, or a bad way of getting fulfilled. A problem I felt I wanted to help him with so that we could stay married. I chose exposure as a strategy to make him stop cheating while we worked on the problem.

 

When the BS chooses exposure and becomes the marriage police , it's with the understanding that this is a temporary place, a part of the process. It's not a job anyone wants, but a tool, a step.

[Spark1111]

Icouldn't have advised you the sky was blue after DDay......

 

But truth and exposure just felt right to me. I thought he wanted to divorce me but was too cowardly to tell me so...

 

So, divorce me and go be with your secret AP. No MORE secrets was my immediate goal.

 

AndI threw him out cause why live a lie? Towards what aim? or goal?

 

I know of only two people who called him....my oldest brother and his oldest sister.

 

His sister wanted us to reconcile and she called me up begging me to. No dice, I told her.

 

My brother treated him with kid gloves and was kind, as in, what's going on here?

 

I do not equate telling the truth to shame. The shame was his in being so untruthful. He didn't have to be. I would have let him go....

 

So, I did.

 

I think exposing an affair to the light of day and throwing a spouse out sets a very clear boundary of what is acceptable and what is not.

 

And once no longer a secret, it can no longer be an affair. now it can be a real relationship.

 

For me, that had a secondary effect of showing him it was the last thing he wanted. he wanted the excitement of an illicit, forbidden affair, not another wife.

 

But who knew? certainly not me, not at that time.

[Spark1111]

Could keeping it secret from others be an attempt on the part of the BS to preserve the marriage?

 

I had NO expectations of that based on the text I intercepted, so what did I have to lose?

 

Nothing, as I thought the marriage was over and he just hadn't had the courage to tell me.

 

Guess I was wrong.

[Decorative]

I guess I used it as a strategy to get off the merry go round of insanity.

 

I did not expect it would save our marriage- because I was planning on ending it.

 

But it did have that result, in the end.

 

I will always advise truth telling to a betrayed spouse. And putting up boundaries about what you will accept.

 

But never as a manipulation.

 

Does any of that make sense?

[Spark1111]

I guess I used it as a strategy to get off the merry go round of insanity.

 

I did not expect it would save our marriage- because I was planning on ending it.

 

But it did have that result, in the end.

 

I will always advise truth telling to a betrayed spouse. And putting up boundaries about what you will accept.

 

But never as a manipulation.

 

Does any of that make sense?

 

perfectly.

[Furious]

My mind is in a lot of directions here.

 

If I had to summarize, it guess it would be that while widespread exposure may (and has) in some cases helped burst the affair bubble, is it something you would recommend? In the cases of Furious, Spark, and Decorative, exposure probably did create an environment that permits reconciliation. How interesting though that I don't think any of them chose it in order to reconcile. It was almost coincidental. I don't think any of you chose to expose in order to reconcile (but it may have helped). Would you advise it as a strategy or tactic?

 

In my situation I only exposed to the other betrayed spouse. My parents and my siblings, whom I'm very close to, were there for me, and my best longtime girlfriend, and without them I probably would not have been able to hold myself together.

 

I didn't expose to my husband's immediate family, it would have been up to him in how he wanted to handle that as far as I was concerned. I wasn't interested in wide spread exposure, and limited it to the very few that mattered to me.

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well and it took many weeks before I contacted the other betrayed spouse, as I explained in my previous post.

 

My husband was living in a hotel for six weeks, I refused to speak to him, I limited our contact to brief texts that were relevant about our children.

 

Looking back I did a 180 without knowing that concept and any of my decisions at that time were coincidental in that it would lead to my husband becoming proactive. It was a huge wake-up call for him and he knew I was focused on divorcing him.

 

I think that the irony in letting go can be a strength, that it's a line in the sand, that either way, whether a couple separates or attempts reconciliation that cheap forgiveness is not an option.

 

I would recommend that a betrayed spouse demand respect and the space they need, that a betrayed spouse, as much as they still love their WS,that they love themselves more when their faced with betrayal. That letting go, makes for a stronger you, that it prepares you for whatever the future may hold.

 

We are now over a year and a half since D-day with intermittent IC and MC. Reconciliation is a process and we're both very involved in healing and supporting each other, one day at a time.

[2sure]

Ah. I didn't do full on exposure. I exposed him for what he was to OW, which just isn't the same, they just thought he was single and that his name was Bob.

I told my family. Our close friends. To be honest, I didn't have the balls for full exposure. Or, I didn't love him enough.

[Steadfast]

If I had to summarize, it guess it would be that while widespread exposure may (and has) in some cases helped burst the affair bubble, is it something you would recommend? In the cases of Furious, Spark, and Decorative, exposure probably did create an environment that permits reconciliation. How interesting though that I don't think any of them chose it in order to reconcile.

 

I share that sentiment, mixed with some humble pie. I'm guilty of not reading everything regarding these posters that I should have. My apologies. I thought I was misunderstood, but it was me not understanding.

 

Is it possible your marriages were reconciled through love and desire? Truly, I cannot imagine any other situation being satisfactory. I will offer myself a bit of leeway, for I had no chance at it. That I know of anyway.

 

My wife expected me to mount the charge. She predicted it well before I was ready to take any such action, but I can say with no doubt that I was so utterly blindsided, I honestly didn't know who to blame. Still, to be clear, despite her efforts to break it to me easy the blame was directed at me.

 

I gained great satisfaction watching her wait for something that never happened. I didn't even tell our children she cheated. Months after, she did but by then the shock was like someone tossing a firecracker in the ruins of Hiroshima. I did tell my family and support circle, but avoided her family who took the position that her actions were the result of my failures. Abe Lincoln and Sister Teresa could have arrived hand-in-hand in my defense, only to be dismissed and tossed into the skip as vagrants. Blood and water.

 

Fear wasn't behind my silence, instead, the burning desire to do something right in the face of a complete life meltdown. There would be blame, hard feelings, suffering and the taking of sides, but none of it came from me.

[Older 'n' wiser]

I could tell you who - but I think it's obvious.

 

I'm sorry, but please help - who? Getting lost. It's not obvious to me and I have read Spark's story.

 

Sorry and don't need a full explanation of what's going on. One thing I can see and understand for sure: It is NEVER as easy as poof! reconciliation whoever it is. You, we are all talking about unbelievable, unasked for, undeserved pain and, I would venture, deep scarring to the psyche and personality changes that many of us may never be able to dig out of. No. I understand that part. I just don't understand whose story you're referring to that could be helpful. And if it's too much or not needed, I'm fine with that, too. I'll dig myself somehow.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry, but please help - who? Getting lost. It's not obvious to me and I have read Spark's story.

 

Sorry and don't need a full explanation of what's going on. One thing I can see and understand for sure: It is NEVER as easy as poof! reconciliation whoever it is. You, we are all talking about unbelievable, unasked for, undeserved pain and, I would venture, deep scarring to the psyche and personality changes that many of us may never be able to dig out of. No. I understand that part. I just don't understand whose story you're referring to that could be helpful. And if it's too much or not needed, I'm fine with that, too. I'll dig myself somehow.

 

Pretty sure it was a dig on Steadfast for mindlessly bloviating. But I see no reason to pile on. The guy ate his humble pie. And I still think he has a point about proactive and widespread exposure being something to be cautious about - it just turns out that few of us here really did widespread exposure with the intent of getting our spouse back. But some recommend it as a strategy and I'm with Steadfast on saying it's probably not a wise one.

[Older 'n' wiser]

Pretty sure it was a dig on Steadfast for mindlessly bloviating. But I see no reason to pile on. The guy ate his humble pie. And I still think he has a point about proactive and widespread exposure being something to be cautious about - it just turns out that few of us here really did widespread exposure with the intent of getting our spouse back. But some recommend it as a strategy and I'm with Steadfast on saying it's probably not a wise one.

 

Thanks and - I clearly missed all that and will just let you guys straighten out the straightening out. Just one more question: What's bloviating?

 

But as far as the topic of "using" exposure to get the spouse back goes, I know that was never my intention but reading all this makes me question if, on the other hand, he - or she (the other AP, being erstwhile wife of my crippled brother) reacted to the possibility of exposure at my discretion? Did they do whatever they did fearful that I would 'out' their duplicity and shameless selfishness? Good grief. Back to the thinking block...

 

In the meantime, I'll say this. I still think that my not telling my brother, the other BS - as a depressed quadriplegic in a nursing home in a small town 6 hours from immediate family (long story) - is something I choose to live with for this reason: I couldn't stay there and don't know who could help him through the devastation of finding out. I have no place to live there. He would have to have IC big time. His family would not support my action. His wife should have have been the one to tell him and then suffered through his suffering with him, providing him with counseling and anything else he needed but, she's far too selfish and accustomed to her own position as a victim. This is a unique and terrible situation that cannot be used as a comparison.

 

I think now - hindsight - that it would have been much, much better to do what Spark, Furious, et al, seem to have in common: Throw out the SOB, tell the affected parties and anyone else on an as needed basis. If I'd done it then, it would have been the natural result of a series of events and my and my bro's full right. Whatever happened after that - WS (my H) comes home begging for 2nd chance or not - happens for reasons other than fear of exposure.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Older 'n' wiser
removed a "?"

[Older 'n' wiser]

But at the time, I was definitely super PTSD and could barely process the reality of the infidelity and betrayal. Then when, on top of everything, it felt like people were coming on too strong telling me to throw him out, tell my brother, divorce, I would back off from the pressure. I didn't have enough clear thinking to consider a reason to tell.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Older 'n' wiser

[BetrayedH]

In my opinion, MM, you're as close to an exception as it gets. I won't be judging you for your choice.

 

And yes, I agree that packing their bags immediately is the way to go. That hindsight stuff sucks. Instead, I made what felt like a noble effort and my wife stayed out of guilt and obligation. I would also say some of it was to contain the potential damage I could have inflicted with exposure. And some of it was because she was grateful to me for giving her a chance at forgiveness that she'd figured was impossible. So, she stayed out of guilt, obligation, fear, and gratitude. None of these were good reasons and I misinterpreted them as remorse. Didn't work.

[Act Two]

My two cents:

 

In retrospect, I see how the packing the bags and throwing the cheater out is the way to go, although I probably would have fought to stay. The point though is that while it was instinctive for many BS here to do that, I think it would have the effect of waking the WS to the real consequences VERY quickly. This ends any fantasy, and makes the WS decide: is this AP worth my marriage (if that's a choice anymore), my family, etc.? It would force a quick hop off the fence if there is fence sitting going on, and the WS would have to start scrambling fast to begin the making amends process.

 

This did not happen for me, BUT there was exposure in my case. My husband told my parents, which was helpful, but when he told the pastor of our church and the pastor initiated the excommunication process I was furious!! I really felt like I was being manipulated at that point into staying in the marriage.

[Steadfast]

Kidd,

 

I'm a big boy and I can take my lumps. I did read the success stories of the involved only to discover what I already knew. I'm confident in this because (like you) being in a marriage with a partner shamed or scared back into it isn't a long term recipe for happiness. This however, does not include the wayward who sincerely regrets their bad decisions and wishes to reconcile because they've come to realize their love and desire for the spouse and family.

 

I love to hear stories like that. Even if it didn't happen to me. In fact, I love my story, even if I hate (and always will) the behavior and actions of my ex. I hate the long-term negatives of the divorce too, but they were not of my choosing. Like many here, I fought to regain my sanity and self esteem. That fight led to a life that wasn't possible before. I'm amazed by it all.

 

This did not happen for me, BUT there was exposure in my case. My husband told my parents, which was helpful, but when he told the pastor of our church and the pastor initiated the excommunication process I was furious!! I really felt like I was being manipulated at that point into staying in the marriage.

 

I have read this before, and know the scripture passage (as written by the Apostle Paul) that motivated your pastor's decision. Still, your salvation is truly between you and God; Mr. Pastor has nothing to do with it, and neither does your husband. In fact, there is nothing in the bible anywhere that links the church with marriage. It is a holy institution because trust is involved with sex and family. Only your husband can forgive what you did. Others, church members, family, etc that felt pain from your decision can also forgive, if you ask them to. To be truly forgiven, you must ask. You must!

 

Exposure is needed and necessary in most cases of martial infidelity. It's the motivation behind the exposure that counts most. As in everything.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My two cents:

 

In retrospect, I see how the packing the bags and throwing the cheater out is the way to go, although I probably would have fought to stay. The point though is that while it was instinctive for many BS here to do that, I think it would have the effect of waking the WS to the real consequences VERY quickly. This ends any fantasy, and makes the WS decide: is this AP worth my marriage (if that's a choice anymore), my family, etc.? It would force a quick hop off the fence if there is fence sitting going on, and the WS would have to start scrambling fast to begin the making amends process.

 

This did not happen for me, BUT there was exposure in my case. My husband told my parents, which was helpful, but when he told the pastor of our church and the pastor initiated the excommunication process I was furious!! I really felt like I was being manipulated at that point into staying in the marriage.

 

My xMM and I (and our families) attended the same church. When the affair was discovered, the pastors decided to read our names during a worship service before the church. My BS didn't stop it (neither did his) - in fact my husband even said a week or so later in one of his angry outbursts he "hoped that by having my name read before the church and being embarrassed publicly that would be enough to bring me into submission". All it did was cause major devasation to the church, the community and the families. It was already being dealt with, it didn't need more nuclear exposure and it has taken much longer to recover from this. I did (and still do) see it as a manipulation tactic.

 

Far worse is when my husband had his affair a year later, of course at that point his feelings changed completely. He is against widespread exposure now (go figure). Amazing how that changes when the shoe is on the other foot.

 

And honestly, although we are trying to reconcile, that is probably THE most difficult thing for me to overcome - the complete inequality with the way that our situations were treated.

 

BTW, the pastors really essentially lost their jobs over the way they handled the situation. There were other reasons beside that, but the 99% of the congregation thought it was completely mishandled. Letters were written to the Bishop, etc., and the associate pastor left on his own after a year (citing economics - in reality people stopped tithing in protest and the money wasn't there to pay him anymore so he "stepped down" before he could be fired) and the lead pastor was transfered to an area that I think is mostly depressed - it wasn't a step up for him at all.

 

Anyway, speaking just for me, it was a disasterous way to handle it.

Edited April 12, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have read this before, and know the scripture passage (as written by the Apostle Paul) that motivated your pastor's decision. Still, your salvation is truly between you and God; Mr. Pastor has nothing to do with it, and neither does your husband. In fact, there is nothing in the bible anywhere that links the church with marriage. It is a holy institution because trust is involved with sex and family. Only your husband can forgive what you did. Others, church members, family, etc that felt pain from your decision can also forgive, if you ask them to. To be truly forgiven, you must ask. You must

 

I am very aware of this scripture as well as it was used my case, however Paul specifically talks about Elders. I wasn't an elder. And I also believe that it is to be brought to the individual and if they don't hear you, THEN the church - but most mainstream churches believe that to be a council - like an administrative board or possibly pastor/parish relations - not during a freaking worship service.

 

Even then, care must be taken. The idea is to restore a person, love them back, etc. In none of Jesus' words do I ever see him acting like that toward people - the only exception were the money changers in the temple and the pharisees.

 

I do not trust ANY pastor (but my distrust goes back from the time I was young). I have seen too many cover the own butts and in the end they appear to be about protecting their own. I saw it in my case. Even though what I did was horrible, they somehow scooped up my xMM and his family and surrounded them etc and pretty much threw my family out to the curb (my husband and my kids).

 

Sorry - I think I high jacked thread - this is a topic for another thread:o

[Act Two]

Yeah, I guess I'm taking this off-track, but I think the intent of exposure in a church is important and depends on the state of remorse in the WS.

 

If the WS is not remorseful and persistent in carrying on in the affair, then I think the church has every right to expose and discipline. It's a "shape up or ship out" mentality with the intent to get the person back on course AND to also say that they don't have to put up with a fraud in their midst; someone living a total lie but pretending to be a spiritual person.

 

The downside to that, at least for the state of mind I was in was that I saw it as one more attempt to coerce me into a marriage I was checking out of. In retrospect though I can understand why that happened.

 

If the WS is remorseful though and the affair is in the rear view mirror, publicly exposing someone in a church seems punitive only and somewhat Scarlet Letterish.

[Snowflower]

Just skimmed the thread.

 

Short answer, yes, the BS needs to know. In all situations.

 

Where I have a bit of an issue is whether it is the responsibility of the BS (who is in the know) to tell the other BS. If you (general you) feel it is right to tell the other BS in your affair quadrangle (new term!), then do it.

 

I apparently am in the minority because I did not tell the BH. I didn't even remotely consider this for months and by then I felt too much time had passed.

 

What I guess I have a problem with is all this insistence that a BS "has" to tell the other BS. That doesn't sit well with me. I feel like we as BS are already held up to "higher road" standard enough by the WS/AP. This just feels like another example of the demands imposed on the BS to always do the right thing, no matter what the circumstance.

 

There is enough of that in affairs. You know, all the drivel we hear as BSs:

 

1. The BS should never tell the children (even if they ask), if the BS does this, they are selfish and manipulative.

 

2. The BS should quit making it so hard for the WS to leave.

 

3. I would never play "marriage-police" with him if he were my husband.

 

4. The BS should just let them go and let true love prevail.

 

You know the drill...

 

Again, if a BS chose/chooses to disclose to the other BS, perfectly great. I just don't feel someone should feel like they have to.

 

What I really don't like is the advice that the other BS should be told so that they can help control the other WS from their end and make it harder to continue the affair. Like that is the whole purpose for the other BS...to control their errant spouse who is cheating with your spouse. Yuck.