Please help!!!

[hudda55]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We recently moved in together. Prior to our move in he only wanted to hang out with me and for us to be together. Boy, have things changed.

 

Now that we live together he wants to go out all the time but the worse thing is that he does not me to go out with him or meet him at the end of the night. When he is out he does not answer his phone for me but will if others call him.

 

Last Saturday he was dancing with a girl I do not know and I confronted him. He was upset that I would embrase him in front of a co worker and ran back over to this girl. He proceeded to leave the bar with her and a friend and spent the night out away from our home with her.

 

He has never acted like this but his need to look perfect all the time and make appearances without me makes me think he is cheating or losing interest in me. What do you think?

[DazednConfused]

Oh Hudda,

 

I am sorry that you had to come looking for this site. But welcome.

 

Sounds like your b/f moved in with you too soon, and is feeling "tied down".

 

He is too immature to be in a relationship with you. Run now, run like the wind.

 

Good luck to you!

[hudda55]

I agree with you that the move in was a little early but it is weird to look back that he is the one that wanted it. I was afraid to move in and he said that things would be better but actually his actions are making them worse.

 

Do you think that because he goes out a lot now is that he is cheating or because he might have missed out in doing that in the last year?

 

Also if he said that he only spent that night at that girls house do you think that he did not do anything? I mean he had to pass our house to get over to where he stayed.

[DazednConfused]

Hudda,

 

The fact is, I don't have a real clue to answer your questions on any basis other than I am a male.

 

So what do I think?

 

I think he suggested moving in because he loves you. After it happened, he felt caged. But he does like the appearance of being responsible and in a serious relationship. Too bad he is not ready for it.

 

I think he goes out...(and I am sorry if this hurts) to get himself away from what he views as his captor. That is why he does not invite you, and why he is angry and defensive about it.

 

I don't know yer boy, so I cannot answer your last query with any kind of certainty. If he feels trapped with you, he may be doing some bed-hopping to prove to himself that you don't own him. On the other hand, when my wife and had troubles early, I was in the same position, but nothing happened.... I could not do it. I just don't know what kind of guy you have.

[hudda55]

You are right about being trapped. He is just starting speaking about how he feels that we do too much together and that he needs "other human interaction". We do have a healthy relationship outside of each other. I am very social with my girlfriends and other activities. The point is that this new work friends he is hanging out with are the ones he tries to hide me from. I have gone out with them twice and they do not know that we live together under his wishes. He says that it could hurt his career to be living with someone before marriage. I feel that if it work associate knew that he lived with me she would think that his actions were very immature as well.

 

What you have said is exactly what he has said to me. He is very open with his emotions but this sudden change in character is appalling and disheartening.

 

Thank you for talking to me about this.

[DazednConfused]

He talks in circles.

 

He likes the appearance of the rsponsible adult, but is afraid that if his colleagues find out (no marriage) that it might hurt his career??

 

I think you need to know the truth about who he is hiding you from. When you have been out with them, does he simply introduce you around, or does he say "this is my girlfriend Hudda..."?

 

If there is another woman interested in him, he will go to great lengths to keep his chances open, even if he is not planning on pursuing her.

 

I think more than anything, you need him to make a decision about what he wants. After he does that, make him stick to it. If it is you, it has to be only you. If he wants his freedom, give it to him without reservation, and don't look back. I know you care for him, but get his choice and do the work.

 

JMHO.

[hudda55]

I agree with you about talking in circles.

 

When we were out with them he did introduce me as his girlfriend and all of his friends said that they had heard good things about me. Then again who does not say that when they meet someone's girlfriend for the first time.

 

When you say give him the freedom do you mean just say the hell with it and do not ask him where he is going and see if he comes back? I do put up a stink everytime he goes out and stays out for what I deam is late. If feel if I do that he will feel bad about what he is doing.

 

As far as the not telling people that we live together I think it is as crazy as you think. What would it matter? Like they would fire him or anything. I think that people who he works with should know that instead of them assuming he is in a relationship that does not involve the committment we have given each other. He may be keeping his options open, I don't know...

[DazednConfused]

I did not use the word freedom in the sense that you would stick around. Freedom implies that you release him from the committment he made to you. If he wants his freedom, that means without you.

 

Make it clear to him that he is hurting you, and that you are not prepared to be his or anyone else's doormat. That you know you deserve better than he is giving. That the behaviors he is showing are immature, and disrespectful to both of you.

 

And lastly, that you will no longer accept or stand for it.

 

Again Hudda, I know little of your individual circumstances, etc. only you can make the decisions or ultimatums as you see fit. From the sound of things, I think he needs you to kick him in the butt. He may straighten right up.

[hudda55]

I agree that he needs to be pushed in the right direction. If I was to give freedom as you say what is the point of being in a relationship?

 

Thank you for the advice. I need to tell him that he is not the person I moved in with and that this person and these actions are unacceptable in our house.