Mom not talking to me

[EasternNC]

Where to start. My parents seperated when I was about 13. It didn't effect me that much or so I thought. I lived with my mom and was a momma's boy through out highschool, went to college then on to work with my father. My dad is a great guy, but my mom doesn't think so because they fell out of love and he cheated on her years ago. She holds a grudge agaist him to this day. She told me and my sister about it while I was still in high school. I ended up working for my dad after I graduated college, and I think she holds this against me. She has her owns set of problems and past history that she does not know I know about. She can be highly volatile at times and will go off the deep end. Well its happened. I also think she may have a prescription drug problem. She owns her own business and so does my dad. I am getting married in a month and last week she has told me to have a nice life!

 

It all started when our family friends became ex family friends. I don't know all the details there, but when my dad remarried these were still his best friends. I particulary don;t like the party in question either. Me and my fiance invited them to our wedding because they are my fathers best friends and I did invite anyone on my mom's side she wanted me to. My fiance and I told her we hated this woman as well and wouldn't want her at the wedding and we still don't. We just did the formality of sending out the invite. They declined to come. I told my mom and she flipped saying I and my fiance had lied to her and that my dad was controlling me and to have a nice life. My sister is supposed to be a bridesmaid and my mom has a great deal of influence over her. She too now thinks I have lied to my mother and done some wrong. I have done nothing wrong and now a moth before my wedding have been excommunicated from my mom. I don't want this to ruin the wedding, but I have been having a great deal of stress from all this. I am 25 year old male. I thik she is being completely irrational. I have tried to call. I tried the day after it happened, and all i got to say was I love you before she blew me out again telling me how bad I have hurt her and to have a nice life. She hung up on me and I haven't tried again. Its been a week tomorrow. I m at my wit's end. Please help me!

 

EasternNC

[amy18wwjd]

It's too bad when parents try to control the wedding. This isn't quite what happened in your case but it is in the same category in your case. I believe you are completely right in that if you decided to invite anyone your mom wanted to invite you also should invite anyone your dad wanted to invite and therefore you were right in doing so. I have a problem with parents "deciding" who can and can't come to YOUR wedding. since you were thoughtful and gracious enough to invite her friends she should not be upset with you for treating your father with the same courtesy. I think that although she may not seem to listen at first and it may take a lot of time and even more effort, if you care enough to keep trying your mom if she doesn't realize already, will soon enough see that she was wrong and that you didn't mean to hurt her and also that this was not an attempt to side with your dad over her, or to like him more than her or anything she could have thought at the time. Because that is what i think happened. whether that is what you meant or not sometimes communication is bad and the other person sees things differently than you meant them. Chances are your mom sees now or will see soon that it really isn't that big of a deal and that she should apologize for assuming something that was false and also apologize for hurting you and your fiance in this and the things she has said. but i also think even when she realizes this it will still take more time and loving effort from you to convince her that she should and can admit it. Don't allow her anger or misunderstanding in this to ruin your wedding day and definitely don't allow it to build into something that will negatively impact your marriage. make every effort to explain to her that you in no way want her to be hurt or think that you love or have any feelings of favoritism for your father over her. don't ever give up telling her you love her and praying that she will understand. Another thing would be to talk to your sister, if she won't listen send an email or letter and keep sending until she responds. explain to her what happened and how important it is to you and your fiance that both your sister and mother are present and share in the wedding. giving up attempts or becoming angry because you don't seem to be accomplishing anything may seem like the only thing to do but don't. Even repeated phone calls or letters from you will help convince your mother (and sister) that you love them and want to fix things. it is important to forgive and forget but don't get to the point where you just completely give her her way... she needs to know that you are an adult and that you and your fiance are the ones in charge of both your wedding and your life now. Keep your chin up and don't give up... Things will get better. in the meantime, do all you can and try to focus on one of the most important days of your life. Don't let this take your mind off the committment you are about to make and the person you are about to make it with. Good luck and i'll be praying for you. may you have a blessed and happy marriage.

[EasternNC]

Thanks for everything you said, it really helps. I have now contacted my mom to try to find a time to meet to discuss everything. I am supposed to go sunday morning. My mom has been calling my fiance a liar because she told her that she does not like this women either and didn't want her at the wedding. Well this was a month before we began putting together a list of who to invite. THen upon talking with my father, we decided to send an ivitation to the party she does not like. I think my mom doesn't like my fiance (I dont thinks its her persay, just that i am happy with out my mom making sure things are allright). She lives iin a house alone now for 3 years, which is exactly how long Ive been with my fiance. My sister graduated from h.s. 3 yrs ago and feel this may also be part of "empty nest syndrome" I really don't know but its such irrational thinking to say have a nice life and I wont be at your wedding over an invitation. Tough road ahead.