Close friends with opposite sex - thought appreciated

[Dazedand]

There is something I'd like to get some advice on and hear from some impartial people. To start with I am happily married to an absolutely incredible woman - we met when I was 24 and she was 22 (now I am 30), and the spark was instantaneous. I still can't keep my hands off her and think is an incredibly sexy and beautiful women. She recently gave birth to our second child and things are going great (aside from a few rough patches which is normal for any marriage). We've both grown a lot in our time together and much better at communicating to each other - in the early years we each had our own personal baggage which had our relationship on a passionate roller coaster at times, but now that we've learned how to communicate things are better than ever.

 

I am a moral person, and would never cheat on my wife or do something selfish to jeopardize my family/hurt her for a few moments of physical pleasure - sex for me was an issue until I met her due to a childhood trauma which I've worked through over the years, so she is the only woman I've been intimate with. This used to be an insecurity as my wife has had a past and she in her insecurities always feared that I would want to make up for the past, but it's really a non-issue at this point as I am happy with her and don't have any desire to sleep with other women as we are extremely compatible.

 

I recently left a job where I worked for 1.5 years where I became very close with a female co-worker. We shared an office and instantly clicked - she had a 1 year old daughter and my wife had just given birth to our first and we were always talking about our kids, life, etc - we really had great chemistry. This woman was also extremely attractive but although I noticed and enjoyed her physical beauty, I always looked at her as a close friend more than anything. To be clear, when I do think of her romantically (whether in a rough patch with my wife or otherwise) I realized it was only indulging the fantasy, wanting what you can't have, grass is greener, etc. I knew rationally that in a relationship we would drive each other mad once we were past the honeymoon phase - my wife is much better suited to me, and her husband is much better suited to her, but with such a strong connection and the mutual attraction the mind does wander on occasion. I don't feel guilty over this, as I think it's normal.

 

At this point I should state that nothing ever happened between us, or even came close to happening - there was no emotional affair, no secret texts/emails/calls outside of work or during late hours. She is a very moral and faithful wife to her husband which is one of the reasons why I let myself become closer with her - I didn't see the risk of something progressing past a close friendship even with the attraction. Aside from my wife, I've never felt this close to another woman (and obviously I feel much closer to my wife) but I really do love this woman as a person and a friend. The fact that I am attracted to her and she to me keeps us both at a certain distance from other although she does initiate light, harmless flirtation from time to time with men of the office (really harmless, and no hidden agenda - just her personality).

 

It's been six months since we've worked together and I still think of her a lot - it would be inappropriate for me to meet her for coffee even though I would really love to catch up and talk to her like old times every now and again. I don't do this because I know it would hurt my wife, and I don't want to do something in secret even if it is innocent - that wouldn't be fair to her. We talk on occasion through texts, and meet together with work people for reunions once a month and it's great connecting with her. Sometimes when we say goodbye in person or by text she'll say "love you" and I don't get the impression that she is fishing for a reaction - we are just very open in our friendship. I don't reciprocate with the i love you unless I get caught off guard in person and it slips out. When we worked together we would share just about everything with her offering advice on miscommunications with my wife, and vice versa, among other life issues. She didn't replace my wife with the person who I go to talk to (and I don't think I replaced her husband), but it was someone else who I enjoyed sharing things with.

 

We've never talked about our feelings (friendship or otherwise) and this post is sort of an outlet for my desire to do so, as I don't think anything good can come of that - I just feel the urge to tell her how amazing she is but it would be inappropriate and I can't envision any scenario which would cause anything positive because there is a mutual attraction there. At the least, it would be a selfish way for me to get some release and I don't know how she would react.

 

We've gotten together a few times with the spouses and kids and she and my wife clicked and her husband is an amazing guy, only circumstance doesn't let us get together as often as I would like. We both always say how we need to get together more with the family and I really look forward to the time when we can as I think the four of us have the potential to become very close friends.

 

Anyway, I felt like I've rambled on long enough so I'll get to my question - is anyone in a similar situation? Is it normal to be very attracted to a close friend? I want to become closer to both her and her husband and I've done a lot of contemplating over this - I don't believe it is because I want to keep her close for any ulterior motive. I genuinely love this woman and feel an extremely strong connection to her and want her in my life as a friend; the four of us get along so well and I don't think it is completely crazy to feel attraction to people who you are close with as long as it isn't acted upon, physically or otherwise. Or maybe I'm in denial - hell, anything is possible but I am trying to be honest with myself.

[kristismiles]

first I think you may be interested in more and that's why you are posting.

 

If that is really not the case and you miss her friendship Simple solution. You have children only a year apart. Go out as couples. Tell your wife you miss her friendship and would like to invite her and her husband over. Sounds like a hidden friendship to me if you've never done this.

[angie2443]

Dazedand, I've read your story over and over and over on these boards. I'd forget about morality, and analyzing viewpoints on this if you really want to know what you should do. Instead, I'd search something like "best friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship" on this board and and some of the other boards on LS and read the stories. There is a definite pattern in the stories and how they come out and they will give you the best prediction of how your situation will turn out. From this info, you can make the choice best for you.

[Silly_Girl]

Honestly? I think it's more than 'nothing' with regards to your marriage and the potential of your feelings for this woman. The time you've taken, the thoughts you have, the frequency and depth of those thoughts.

 

Most people recognise that strong feelings + active physical attraction = potential danger. If you were my husband I think I'd be hoping you just let things lie and didn't pursue any further friendship, as couples or otherwise.

 

You're close to your wife. If she said to you she felt love for a man, found him physically attractive, had had fleeting thoughts about sexual contact and wanted him and his wife to be around you guys more because she misses him and thinks he's great.... how do you think you would react?

[angie2443]

first I think you may be interested in more and that's why you are posting.

 

If that is really not the case and you miss her friendship Simple solution. You have children only a year apart. Go out as couples. Tell your wife you miss her friendship and would like to invite her and her husband over. Sounds like a hidden friendship to me if you've never done this.

 

Even if the friendship isn't hidden, it can still grow into something else. The real indicator of this is if he's hiding the intensity of the feelings involved. However, if the feelings weren't already somewhat intense, why would he even think to post here?

[angie2443]

 

Most people recognise that strong feelings + active physical attraction = potential danger. If you were my husband I think I'd be hoping you just let things lie and didn't pursue any further friendship, as couples or otherwise.

 

You're close to your wife. If she said to you she felt love for a man, found him physically attractive, had had fleeting thoughts about sexual contact and wanted him and his wife to be around you guys more because she misses him and thinks he's great.... how do you think you would react?

 

The bolded part always interest me. Why don't some recognise this? It seems commen sense. Maybe it's denial. I think maybe it's a way to cake eat. I'm not sure.

 

I think rather he opens up to his wife or not will depend on how much he respects her. If he views her as his equal, he'll give her as much information as he would want if the roles were reversed.

[Dazedand]

Thank you for the replies - I want people to pick this apart and play devil's advocate here because that's exactly what I think is necessary here. It's really difficult to sum up a relationship in a few paragraphs and I may have implied that my desire for this woman is stronger than it is. I say may, because it's possible that how how you are perceiving is spot on.

 

To clarify, we have gone out as couples a few times and it is by no means a hidden friendship. My wife knows about her and likes her too, but she wouldn't enjoy me meeting her one on one as she feels it is inappropriate for a married man to meet another woman for coffee.

 

I can definitely agree that there is a potential for danger here, but for every 50 stories I can find on this board there are 50 more that weren't posted because nothing happened - it is a possiblity that this can progress to more over time, but it's also possible that meeting as couples as opposed to alone can slowly remove those feelings as I become closer to her husband and appreciate their relationship. A lot of ifs (going both ways), but I think it's important to not just assume the worst, and I know that I am strong enough to resist any sexual urges or advances and think clearheaded enough to not destroy two families. I also don't want to be around them because of an attraction to this woman - I want to pursue this friendship between the four of us because I sense the possibility to a great friendship between the four of us and I don't think finding her attractive should put a stop to that. I don't know about you all, but I don't have many close friends and they are few and far between. Her husband has mentioned to his wife and to my wife in my presence each time they meet how beautiful she looks (when my wife was pregnant) and it wouldn't surprise me if he found her attractive (my wife is gorgeous). Would it bother me? No, because I don't think it would progress anywhere and it is natural.

 

Yes, I am posting because I recognize the possibility for something happening, but that is exactly why I am seeking advice here - I want to hear what other people think of this situation as I have laid it out in the opening post. I'm not at all hiding anything from my wife and from the beginning I've wanted to get together as couples simply because this woman is great and I think she and my wife can be great friends as well (something that my wife is lacking because of her maturing over the past year and shedding a lot of her "fake" friends - which is a whole other issue I won't get into).

 

And clarify my feelings - I do find this woman attractive, but I care for her much more as a friend and really am not interested in more, and I don't think I am lying to myself. The occasional fantasy doesn't seem out of character as on a given day I can think about dozens of women (not being literal - only to say that it's not specific to her).

Edited March 12, 2013 by Dazedand

[kristismiles]

Thank you for the replies - I want people to pick this apart and play devil's advocate here because that's exactly what I think is necessary here. It's really difficult to sum up a relationship in a few paragraphs and I may have implied that my desire for this woman is stronger than it is. I say may, because it's possible that how how you are perceiving is spot on.

 

To clarify, we have gone out as couples a few times and it is by no means a hidden friendship. My wife knows about her and likes her too, but she wouldn't enjoy me meeting her one on one as she feels it is inappropriate for a married man to meet another woman for coffee.

 

I can definitely agree that there is a potential for danger here, but for every 50 stories I can find on this board there are 50 more that weren't posted because nothing happened - it is a possiblity that this can progress to more over time, but it's also possible that meeting as couples as opposed to alone can slowly remove those feelings as I become closer to her husband and appreciate their relationship. A lot of ifs (going both ways), but I think it's important to not just assume the worst, and I know that I am strong enough to resist any sexual urges or advances and think clearheaded enough to not destroy two families. I also don't want to be around them because of an attraction to this woman - I want to pursue this friendship between the four of us because I sense the possibility to a great friendship between the four of us and I don't think finding her attractive should put a stop to that. I don't know about you all, but I don't have many close friends and they are few and far between. Her husband has mentioned to his wife and to my wife in my presence each time they meet how beautiful she looks (when my wife was pregnant) and it wouldn't surprise me if he found her attractive (my wife is gorgeous). Would it bother me? No, because I don't think it would progress anywhere and it is natural.

 

Yes, I am posting because I recognize the possibility for something happening, but that is exactly why I am seeking advice here - I want to hear what other people think of this situation as I have laid it out in the opening post. I'm not at all hiding anything from my wife and from the beginning I've wanted to get together as couples simply because this woman is great and I think she and my wife can be great friends as well (something that my wife is lacking because of her maturing over the past year and shedding a lot of her "fake" friends - which is a whole other issue I won't get into).

 

And clarify my feelings - I do find this woman attractive, but I care for her much more as a friend and really am not interested in more, and I don't think I am lying to myself. The occasional fantasy doesn't seem out of character as on a given day I can think about dozens of women (not being literal - only to say that it's not specific to her).

 

 

why is it necesary to meet her without your wife present? That appears to be what you want. Sorry you are in trouble here. It is more than you'd like to admit to yourself.

[eleanorrigby]

This situation looks very dangerous. I think you should back away as quickly as possible before it becomes something you can not handle.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can definitely agree that there is a potential for danger here, but for every 50 stories I can find on this board there are 50 more that weren't posted

I'm curious - when you put your two kids in the car, do you put a seat belt around them? Why ? There's millions of safe trips for every fatal accident...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ver13]

IMO you need to ask yourself what is more important to you the friendship or your W. Look there is nothing wrong with being attracted to her and enjoying the conversations that you have this is being human. But when you get to the point that she is on your mind when you are at home it is time to re-evaluate the friendship. Going out for coffee wouldn't be a big thing if you guy's did it everyday at the office amongst a group fellow team mates. But when you are think about setting a special time for just the two of you... get real. If this was your W posting this stuff what would you tell her about the friendship? This is like holding a match next to a can of open gas. Do it long enough and something is bound to blow up. If you truly want to be friends then do it the right way and only get together as couples.

[xxoo]

Sure, we've both felt attraction to a close friend. It's never been a problem, but we also take it in stride and don't get worked up about it. Attraction--so what? It is what it is. It comes and goes. It's irrelevant. What are we going to do--not have attractive friends???

 

The attraction we have for each other is what matters, and that is what we give our attention to.

[ComingInHot]

Well, since you said "pick it a part..."

 

Contradiction One: I'll start with you beginning by writing you don't TEXT only to read a couple paragraphs later that you guys Do TEXT eachother

 

Then there was you oogaling over BOTH W & MW because they're both attractive.

 

Then you said you'd never cheat but you also stated that you are emotionally Close, care about her deeply, pictured yourself "with" her... and that stranger IS what is called an Emotional Affair.

 

Another thing that stod out to me was this, " strong connection to her and want her in my life as a friend; the four of us get along so well and I don't think it is completely crazy to feel attraction to people who you are close with as long as it isn't acted upon, physically or otherwise. Or maybe I'm in denial - hell, anything is possible but I am trying to be honest with myself."

 

Do you also feel this way about siblings and cousins you are "close" to or just all sexy other women? Because to me, what you wrote sounds really creepy.

 

Last thing, I think*

If you haven't shared your feelings for this MOW and all your communications including her I love yous w/your W, you ARE cheating on your W, just not physically.

 

You have ONE short life, how are you going to live it going forward so your children will know how to live well after you're gone.

 

(This is probably the HARSHEST response I've EVER given)

I do hope you take the content as helpful*

[kamani]

Though you don't admit the fact that you are in an EA with your co-worker you are already there! Otherwise what does her text 'I love you" mean? Will your wife or her husband will be comfortable knowing this? I hate to say that emotional cheating has already started at some level. What you do is rationalizing your EA.

 

You seem stubborn on not wanting to give up friendship with her. Your desire to spend time as couples is a subconscious way you use to spend more time with her. Thereafter you won't be satisfied with this only.

 

As one other poster said there have been hundreds of similar posts in this board. You sound like the male version of me though I didn't go as far as you did. You can read my post.

 

 

 

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/subscription.php?do=viewsubscription&pp=25&folderid=0&sort=lastpost&order=desc&page=2

 

 

See how people and responded there. I wish you would read the book recomended there.

 

Cut it at the bud, that's all I have to say.

Edited March 13, 2013 by kamani

[whichwayisup]

Yes, it's wrong.

 

Because of this:

 

 

At this point I should state that nothing ever happened between us, or even came close to happening - there was no emotional affair, no secret texts/emails/calls outside of work or during late hours. She is a very moral and faithful wife to her husband which is one of the reasons why I let myself become closer with her - I didn't see the risk of something progressing past a close friendship even with the attraction. Aside from my wife, I've never felt this close to another woman

 

You two do not work together anymore and were not friends outside of work. No reason to befriend her since you find her sexually attractive and are taken in by her beauty. Allowing yourself to get close to another woman PERIOD, married or not, is NOT good for your marriage, or what you feel towards your wife. If your wife knew, she would be hurt..Spending time on purpose with someone you just enjoy and are getting an ego feed. And you are on some level, you like how this woman makes you feel.. Alive. And that's OK but now you are actively looking for a reason to see her again, when you two never socialized outside of work, never had spouses meet and all of you go out. No no no. Don't go there.

 

This IS how affairs start, even if right now you say 'no way, I'd never cheat' you ARE opening the door a crack and crossing a boundry. Putting yourself IN a situation where you could be tempted, even if you think it's harmless it's not.

 

Reverse this situation and imagine your wife doing exactly what you are doing, but with another man. I'm sure you wouldn't like it one bit.

[Janesays]

If you were my guy and I read this post, I would pack your bags for you.

 

Walk away, dude. If you were as clear headed as you claim, this "friendship" would have ended....yesterday. And I say this as a woman that has many close males friends who can be considered objectively attractive, but TO ME, are no more physically interesting than my brother would be. Yuck.

[whichwayisup]

but she wouldn't enjoy me meeting her one on one as she feels it is inappropriate for a married man to meet another woman for coffee.

 

Then there is your reason NOT to pursue this, even more so since you all got together as couples in the past. It is selfish on some level because you're getting something out of it, whether you see this or not. And most of all, you'll be doing something your wife wouldn't approve of! WHat's more important? A possible new budding friendship with an attractive woman who is married, allowing yourself to get close to her vs your wife, her views on this, your marriage and the life you love.

[whichwayisup]

We've never talked about our feelings (friendship or otherwise) and this post is sort of an outlet for my desire to do so, as I don't think anything good can come of that - I just feel the urge to tell her how amazing she is but it would be inappropriate and I can't envision any scenario which would cause anything positive because there is a mutual attraction there. At the least, it would be a selfish way for me to get some release and I don't know how she would react.

 

We've gotten together a few times with the spouses and kids and she and my wife clicked and her husband is an amazing guy, only circumstance doesn't let us get together as often as I would like. We both always say how we need to get together more with the family and I really look forward to the time when we can as I think the four of us have the potential to become very close friends.

 

Read this 100 times. Your desire and her desire to keep a friendship going, and this "we need to get together more often.." WHY?? You know why. False pretenses is what's going on here.

 

I've met some really neat people, men and women during my work career. No way would I bring and involve a man I found sexually attractive and even more so if was mutual attraction, into my life and for him to spend time with myself and my husband. It would be making a fool of my H. YOU would and SHE would be making fools of your spouses. Your wife, her husband. False claims of 'innocent' friendship, yet you say the attraction is mutual, though not spoken. Each of you know it's there though.

 

Do you see now how selfish is it to try to cling to this woman and be friends with her? One woman you should be close to on an intimate and romantic level. Your wife. NOT this new woman who has turned your head. It's Trouble with a capital T.