What's going on

[Wife27]

About 5 months ago my husband of 6 yrs started accusing me of cheating. I've never once in my life even thought about it. I don't know where this is coming from but he says I'm dressing different, doing hair different, and acting different. I've tried talking with him about the problems but nothing ever get resolved. I can honestly say I haven't done anything different no drastic changes in anything so it's just confusing. Well about 2 months ago I started noticing him talking his phone calls outside, pass coding his phone (changed the code 3 times), and not telling me what he's doing or where he's going. He also has a credit card that he's changed to electronic statements and won't print me out a copy when I ask for them. I am not sure if he's doing something or trying to make me feel like he is.

 

I thought after everything we've been through that we could make anything work but I'm not sure now what's really going on.

[Mack05]

Hhhhmmmmmmm your instincts could be spot on. This is common cheater mechanism, projecting/gaslighting 'cheating' onto the innocent partner.

 

Now that you have your suspicions, it shouldn't be very difficult to prove one way or another. I wouldn't confront him just yet. He will just put it back on you. I would obtain undeniable proof. Once you have that, I would get legal advice on what your next steps might be if you decide to divorce.

 

One step at a time though..

[Wife27]

Yeah well I am like the worst person to event try to figure out if he is cheating. I looked at the phone bill don't even have a clue who's phone numbers are even showing up on his phone. Any suggestions to put these feelings to rest?

[TailSpin75]

My guess is the feelings will persist. I've got to agree with Mack - as I'm learning, cheaters seem to fit neatly into a template. Wish I followed my instinct earlier...

 

Sorry to hear of your trouble Wife27.

[Mack05]

I just googled "How to prove your spouse is cheating"..Loads of different links to help.

[seriously-let-down]

Mack, thats what I did, it was getting the evidence that I couldn't find, but everything fitted neatly into place. It was Facebook messaging and location services that gave it away for me. But at that point we had finished and I think she did it on purpose to rub my nose in it. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[Wife27]

I've started looking into some things and have found that he is calling/receiving phone calls and text from the same number throughout the day. I've tried to get a hold of his phone to look and see if the number is programmed into his phone or if the messages are still there. When I try to pick up his phone he asks me what I am doing and if I do get a chance to look at it he stands next to me and watches. So I've tried to start doing while he's a sleep or whatever but he's kind of caught wind of what I'm doing. I haven't been able to have it long enough to actually compare numbers or anything. I also started noticing at night he won't answer or check his messages but he will always look at his phone and leave the text message and name on the screen until the next day. I think he's doing it so he knows if I'm getting into this phone. Ever since he started accusing me he's started going through emails, phone records, and my cell phone everyday. I don't have a problem with it I'm not doing anything wrong so he can have at it. He's even gone as far as wanting to have my cell phone all day long. I'm at the point where I really just want to walk out. However when I try to discuss the problems with him he makes me feel awful and tells me I'm the one that just doesn't care anymore. I'm getting so confused!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Yeah well I am like the worst person to event try to figure out if he is cheating. I looked at the phone bill don't even have a clue who's phone numbers are even showing up on his phone. Any suggestions to put these feelings to rest?

Sometimes you can search the number on the web and figure it out.

Or there are websites where you can pay a small fee to identify the #.

 

Another option is to call the number and hope for info on the answering machine. When trying to recover from my ex's affair I called a few of the numbers I didn't know..sometimes it was a business, so that was easy to mark off. I called from work so the number would be pretty meaningless to the caller (I work for a very large company)

 

In my case the OM was easy to identify since his number and address are plastered everywhere as the contact for a martial arts group he helps run.

[worldgonewrong]

However when I try to discuss the problems with him he makes me feel awful and tells me I'm the one that just doesn't care anymore. I'm getting so confused!

 

Classic 'gaslighting'. Look it up.

The cheater psychologically foists all of their negativity on you, making you doubt yourself.

My ex was hyper-critical of me, out of the blue, in the last 4 months preceding our separation. It was an onslaught, and meanwhile...she was going behind my back.

They sell out their own spouse's happiness (spiritual/emotional/psychological) in exchange for a cheap thrill.

[Minnie09]

Scenario 1)*

He's doing it to make you jealous, because he really does believe you're having an affair, due to your changed appearance and attitude/behavior. A little paranoia on his part, and trying to "hurt you back" and wake you up.

 

Scenario 2)

His paranoia is a mask to cover up his own A. He's acting accusatory because he wants to distract you. By making you defend yourself all the time, you'll be too busy focusing on him and his whereabouts. Many cheaters do that, consciously and subconsciously. They are projecting or distracting or both. You said there's one phone number that shows up a lot, so it shouldn't be that hard to figure it out. Call the no/google/do some research. Keep quiet and calm for the time being, so he feels comfortable letting his guard down, play along and act like everything's all honky dory on your part. That's the best way to get a lot of information. You don't want him to go more underground.

[dreamingoftigers]

He's messing around.

 

Get a keylogger for the computer and GPS for the car.

 

If you can get ahold of his phone, a spy store can EASILY put a tracker on it that records texts etc.

 

Sorry dear, you've got one that is full of it.

 

Get the proof and then hit him like bricks.

[Gunny376]

He's cheating!

 

Why? People that don't cheat, live lives that don't require investigation of ~ nor from others.

 

When I got with with Mrs "G"? I wrote down any and all my passwords to any and all phone, internet, Facebook, e-mail accounts. To include user names etc. Printed them out and pasted them on the monitor using a label maker.

 

Where I go? She goes!

[thirdchance]

Call the numbers. Use your cell put *67 then the number to block your ID. If a girl answers. Or it goes to voicemail at least you will have a name. If he has an email you can easily check it out for online dating. There are apps you can install on his phone that will forward all his texts to you. Look at phone record is there a pattern of calls received or made at certain times each day or when he is at work? Most of all trust your instinct. My husband has had affairs emotional and physical for five years. I have been through it all and each time my instinct was spot on. I would get a strong feeling and upset tummy telling me this is not right. Don't be like me and waste five or more years with a cheating husband. I just caught mine again and I'm finally going to get divorced. It's tough. I'm sorry you are going through this but the signs are right in front of you.

[GuyInLimbo]

When something looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck. You are in denial.

 

That being said, why do you allow him to treat you like this? Do you want to spend the rest of your life always on edge, worrying about what he may be doing? That's not a happy life (I know, because my wife has gone through my email and phone many, many times over the years and the insecurities are one of several reasons I'm done).