Round Two

[Ann]

Probably no one remembers this, but about a month ago I posted a message about how I had fallen for one of my best friends, and didn't know how to handle it. Well, you guys had some great advice, and told me to back off for a while, which I did. Only now he's dating some girl at his work. So that pretty much sucks, but I'm really trying hard to deal with it. My sister swears up and down that he's only doing it to see how I'll react, but I think that's pretty conceited for me to believe that, plus it's a whole different story.

 

What I want to ask is this. I have a pretty close knit group of about 6 friends, guys and girls. My roommate is my best girl friend. When I got home from the thanksgiving holiday, she told me that she and her boyfriend were getting together with my guy friend (that I like) and his new girl, at the boyfriends house for dinner tonight. So I feel betrayed by her. I mean, she's supposed to be my best friend, but she's doing this? I guess it's just hard cause they're friends with him too, but I feel like I've been booted out of the picture. Plus, I hear that he's planning on bringing this new girl to some upcoming stuff, including a camping trip this weekend, that of course I'm skipping out on. It doesn't seem fair that I have to lose this guy, first as a possible relationship, then as a friend, then I have to miss out on all my other friends too! I could try to go anyway, but i don't think I'd have a good time. He knows I like him, but apparently doesn't mind bringing her anyway. So what do i do? Am i justified in feeling this way? Thanks for any advice.

[Tony T]

All feelings are justified. You feel how you feel and I completely understand.

 

But if you were really this guy's best friend, you would want the very best for him. If he's with someone he really wants to be with, wish him luck, feel good for him, and get a life.

 

I think you may as well resolve yourself right this minute to forget about him as anything more than an acquaintance and do whatever you want. Other people can't write him out of their lives just because you aren't seeing him anymore and it would be unfair and petty for you to ask them to do so. Your roommate is not betraying you in any way by going out with him and his girlfriend, although I do understand this is painful for you. That's just the way it is.

 

Try to transcend the pettiness of it all, understand that you will feel this hurt for a period of time, but one day you will have ZERO feelings for this guy. Meanwhile, I think it's in your best interests to continue being active with your circle of friends, but only to the extent that you can avoid this ex for a period of time until it doesn't bother you so much.

 

But it is unreasonable to ask any others to cease their friendship with him. If you were/are anykind of friend to him at all, wish him the best. I'm sure he wishes the same for you!!!

[sparkle]

including a camping trip this weekend, that of course I'm skipping out on. I could try to go anyway, but i don't think I'd have a good time.

Go camping if you can! And when you go, act upbeat and happy. Even if it hurts you inside, act like you could care less.

 

Just because this guy is trying to play games with you doesn't mean you need to stay away from your friends when he's around. That's not fair to your friends either.

 

When you don't goto the trip, he might realize that it's because you like him so you don't want to see them together. But if you go and act like it doesn't even bother you, it'll make him wonder A LOT MORE!

 

A couple times when I liked a friend but he didn't feel the same way, I didn't avoid him. I just acted like myself and hung out with my friends even if he was joining us. And I acted like I was having a great time as usual. I think he was expecting me to be depressed and sad without him, like I NEEDED him, but when I was just the opposite, I think it confused him and made him wonder. He played games and would bring a girl with him...eventually he ended up liking me. By then, I found someone else.

 

So either way, if he's the one playing games, he'll either come around eventually, or you'll realize that there's someone better out there.

 

Just don't inconvenience your own life for some guy.

[Deejette]

I know it hurts that your friends are having him over with his new girlfriend, but I don't think anyone is trying to hurt your feelings deliberately.

 

It's a sad fact of life that we cannot make anyone fall in love with us just because we want them to. But I believe that things don't work out because that person really wasn't meant for us.

 

That is the way you should look at this situation, because in the future you are going to see him a lot with his new g/f if you keep your other friendhships. It will be torture every time, unless you understand deep down inside that this guy was not meant for you.

 

So, as Tony suggests, give them your blessing and be confident that the right guy is coming along for you. But while you are pining away for this other guy, you are not allowing yourself to be open to some new person. Let them go, act like it doesn't bother you, and know that right now destiny is conspiring to bring the right person to you when you are both ready.

Go camping if you can! And when you go, act upbeat and happy. Even if it hurts you inside, act like you could care less. Just because this guy is trying to play games with you doesn't mean you need to stay away from your friends when he's around. That's not fair to your friends either. When you don't goto the trip, he might realize that it's because you like him so you don't want to see them together. But if you go and act like it doesn't even bother you, it'll make him wonder A LOT MORE! A couple times when I liked a friend but he didn't feel the same way, I didn't avoid him. I just acted like myself and hung out with my friends even if he was joining us. And I acted like I was having a great time as usual. I think he was expecting me to be depressed and sad without him, like I NEEDED him, but when I was just the opposite, I think it confused him and made him wonder. He played games and would bring a girl with him...eventually he ended up liking me. By then, I found someone else. So either way, if he's the one playing games, he'll either come around eventually, or you'll realize that there's someone better out there.

 

Just don't inconvenience your own life for some guy.