Ended things last night :(

[psm04]

This forum has really been so therapeutic. I just wanted to provide an update, and also get some venting done in the process. I apologize in advance for the long post. Last night, I talked to my OMM online. I took the advice from several folks on here who said I didn't have to meet him face to face, and that really was a great idea. If we had met face to face, I think that my post today would have been about something else. Anyway, the conversation started off kind of bad. Eventually, I told him that I couldn't handle this anymore, and that if we couldn't be together, I was going to have to let him go, and this meant no contact unless we needed to talk about work. I cannot be friends with him. It hasn't worked. He agreed and said that he was also thinking about it, but couldn't bring it up. I said something about how he wasn't going to leave his wife for me, and he asked me if that's what I wanted, and I said that I would never ask him for that. He said that he would never ask me for it either. We both said 'I love you' to each other (we had brought it up before, but never really said it like that). I needed to say it and hear it because it helps with the closure. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. We both know that it will be hard, but we are going to do what is right and what is not going to drive us crazy. We talked about trying to not run into each other at work, since it will be difficult. When he said that he was going to have to not work at the office on the same days as me, it hurt a lot, but I understand why. I mean, I wanted to end it, so I'll have to deal with him not wanting to see me.

 

Right now, I think I'm in a numb state. I don't think that the finality of this has hit me yet, and I'm so afraid of it just happening one day. I haven't removed him from my contacts yet. Cannot bring myself up to it right now. I'm really glad of the things that we talked about, and unless he has been playing with my emotions the entire time and lying about everything (which I doubt, right now), I'm actually glad that we ended things cordially. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. We met at the wrong time. I hope I do get over it though, and get to a stage where all I have are fond memories once in a while. Thanks for reading and all your support through this. I've even been going to therapy, and until I started reading and posting on this site, I never could bring myself up to do this. So I am really very appreciative for all the honest comments by the people on here who can relate in some way.

[threelaurels]

Eventually, I told him that I couldn't handle this anymore, and that if we couldn't be together, I was going to have to let him go, and this meant no contact unless we needed to talk about work. I cannot be friends with him. It hasn't worked.

 

I can relate. I have been in relationships before where I didn't want to leave, but I knew it was what was best for me. It's a hard decision to make, but it's the right one. You were honest with yourself and him about what you wanted in the relationship. It just wasn't going to work because he couldn't meet those expectations.

 

Working with him will be difficult because you will have to see him again at some point. You need to be careful not to get roped back into the affair. Is there a way you could transfer or start looking for a new job?

 

If not, it's still doable. My method for convincing myself not to do something is to imagine all my possible options as cards in a deck. Do the same. Take out any option that involves going back to him and toss it out of the deck. Those actions are no longer options for you. Don't allow yourself to pick one back up and put it in the deck.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. It will hurt a lot in the next few weeks, but it will eventually get better. Time heals most things. Let yourself cry it out. Don't bottle anything up inside.

[Pierre]

This forum has really been so therapeutic. I just wanted to provide an update, and also get some venting done in the process. I apologize in advance for the long post. Last night, I talked to my OMM online. I took the advice from several folks on here who said I didn't have to meet him face to face, and that really was a great idea. If we had met face to face, I think that my post today would have been about something else. Anyway, the conversation started off kind of bad. Eventually, I told him that I couldn't handle this anymore, and that if we couldn't be together, I was going to have to let him go, and this meant no contact unless we needed to talk about work. I cannot be friends with him. It hasn't worked. He agreed and said that he was also thinking about it, but couldn't bring it up. I said something about how he wasn't going to leave his wife for me, and he asked me if that's what I wanted, and I said that I would never ask him for that. He said that he would never ask me for it either. We both said 'I love you' to each other (we had brought it up before, but never really said it like that). I needed to say it and hear it because it helps with the closure. I didn't want to leave anything unsaid. We both know that it will be hard, but we are going to do what is right and what is not going to drive us crazy. We talked about trying to not run into each other at work, since it will be difficult. When he said that he was going to have to not work at the office on the same days as me, it hurt a lot, but I understand why. I mean, I wanted to end it, so I'll have to deal with him not wanting to see me.

 

Right now, I think I'm in a numb state. I don't think that the finality of this has hit me yet, and I'm so afraid of it just happening one day. I haven't removed him from my contacts yet. Cannot bring myself up to it right now. I'm really glad of the things that we talked about, and unless he has been playing with my emotions the entire time and lying about everything (which I doubt, right now), I'm actually glad that we ended things cordially. I don't know if I'll ever get over this. We met at the wrong time. I hope I do get over it though, and get to a stage where all I have are fond memories once in a while. Thanks for reading and all your support through this. I've even been going to therapy, and until I started reading and posting on this site, I never could bring myself up to do this. So I am really very appreciative for all the honest comments by the people on here who can relate in some way.

 

Trying to stop an affair in the middle of all the passion and romance is like trying to have coitus interruptus. It only works part of the time.

 

 

These relationships are a "back and forth". In the end this enhances the desires. The two of you will likely fail doing this and then the conclusion will be: "We tried! This must be the romance of the century.

 

Seriously, I wish you success, but I am not that optimistic. Most folks fall back into it.

 

Keep posting!

[veryhappy]

It's very normal that you feel numb right now. The pain will hit you soon. Read on the stages of grief and brace yourself.

 

Some people delete everything right away and it works for them. I wasn't one of them. I went with what I felt like it proved to work for me. As long as you are focused on the goal which is NC and aware of what works for you, you'll get trough the pain. Time helps if you let it help.

[wisernow]

Trying to stop an affair in the middle of all the passion and romance is like trying to have coitus interruptus. It only works part of the time.

 

 

These relationships are a "back and forth". In the end this enhances the desires. The two of you will likely fail doing this and then the conclusion will be: "We tried! This must be the romance of the century.

 

Seriously, I wish you success, but I am not that optimistic. Most folks fall back into it.

 

Keep posting!

 

I don't know if most folks fall back into it or not, as I'm no expert. I do think the truth is; if you are truly tired of the affair, tired of being played, tired of the drama and deceit, believe you are worth more, you will end things with finality, regardless of how many attempts the mm makes to initiate contact.

 

Sounds to me like you're properly fed up.

 

I think you can do it. Don't be one of Pierre's "most".

 

Good luck!!

Edited March 12, 2013 by wisernow

[Cali408]

Doing the right thing for yourself and for others can be extremely difficult.

You've done the right thing as well as went out on top. You ended, you took action. That is the most important. You will be less likely to crawl back because of this.

 

Are you married? If so, focus on your husband. If not, go have fun and date.

 

Congratulations on day 1 of your new life. The slate is clean.

[Patrice]

Hang in there, you'll be feeling a range of emotions. From sadness, fear, to anger - at yourself at him. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is be forgiving of yourself. People make mistakes, what has led you to today - you need to remember. I found it quite therapeutic to start a journal. When he continued to try to contact me, I would go back and read through the feelings ... read about the pain, and understand what got you to this place, and prevent you from going back to it. You deserve better than to be somebody's side salad ... I also, at times wondered if I had a life with him, would he be doing the same to me ... nothing I want or need in my life.

[firstandlast]

The two of you will likely fail doing this and then the conclusion will be: "We tried! This must be the romance of the century.

 

So true. Failing NC in itself becomes a justification to resume the affair.

 

Good luck. Stay strong.

[psm04]

You were honest with yourself and him about what you wanted in the relationship.

 

This is what I want, based on the situation. If we were both with other people but not married, I'd have definitely brought up the possibility of us leaving those people.

 

Is there a way you could transfer or start looking for a new job?

 

I'm not in a position to change jobs right now, and neither is he. But, we have the flexibility to work from home, so both of us will try to do that when possible so that the chances of us running into each other are less.

 

Take out any option that involves going back to him and toss it out of the deck. Those actions are no longer options for you. Don't allow yourself to pick one back up and put it in the deck.

 

That is a great idea. I will have to try that out if/when things become really tough.

[psm04]

The two of you will likely fail doing this and then the conclusion will be: "We tried! This must be the romance of the century.

 

I have to be honest, that stung a little, but I know that you are being honest, and I do agree with you. Because, we did that. We 'ended' things several times, and failed miserably. But, this is the first time where we had the strength to end everything, even the casual talking. There is definitely a larger feeling of 'finality' to it. If it ends up that we failed this time too, then maybe instead of talking about ending it, he and I might have to talk about whether we are really supposed to be contemplating leaving our current situations. Either way, I will not be a part of an A any more. It's too much.

[psm04]

I do think the truth is; if you are truly tired of the affair, tired of being played, tired of the drama and deceit, believe you are worth more, you will end things with finality, regardless of how many attempts the mm makes to initiate contact.

 

What I'm really tired of is the fact that I love him,and I know that he does too, but we cannot move forward. We used to say that we cannot move backwards either, but that's what I'm doing right now. I am married also, so I can't say that I was being played or anything. If that was the case, he was too I guess. In some of my previous posts, I did kind of put him in a bad light, but I think that at the end of the day, we were both stuck in a frustrating situation, and instead of doing what was right and ending it, regardless of how great talking to him and being with him felt, I was trying to find blame in him. That helped a little I think with my desire to end it though.

[psm04]

 

Are you married? If so, focus on your husband. If not, go have fun and date.

.

 

Yes I am married, and this sounds really selfish, but the fact that I am married helps to deal with this being over. And yes, I am planning on focusing all my energy into making my M better. I just hope that my H does the same, otherwise, we are back to having the same marital problems (no, i am not blaming him for my A. That wasn't fair to my H at all, and I know that)

[kristismiles]

I have to be honest, that stung a little, but I know that you are being honest, and I do agree with you. Because, we did that. We 'ended' things several times, and failed miserably. But, this is the first time where we had the strength to end everything, even the casual talking. There is definitely a larger feeling of 'finality' to it. If it ends up that we failed this time too, then maybe instead of talking about ending it, he and I might have to talk about whether we are really supposed to be contemplating leaving our current situations. Either way, I will not be a part of an A any more. It's too much.

 

if you want to make sure you don't fall back into it tell his wife. Let the devastation commence.