Is the world trying to screw me over?!

[Els]

Just go for it, SD.

 

I feel, like TW, that you should ask out more women and a wider range of women in general, but this is as good a start as any. You don't lose anything, because you aren't close friends and even IF she says no, it's good practice (and you need practice).

 

Do it.

[ThaWholigan]

Just go for it, SD.

 

I feel, like TW, that you should ask out more women and a wider range of women in general, but this is as good a start as any. You don't lose anything, because you aren't close friends and even IF she says no, it's good practice (and you need practice).

 

Do it.

Agreed.

 

And don't take it seriously! Don't feel bad if it doesn't workout.

[Lonely Ronin]

He didn't say anything about opening up. Not that I have any issue at all opening up girls.

 

Umm, yes you do. Anyone That has read your posts knows this.

 

 

This "issue" always comes but it really is a complete non-issue. Nobody on campus knows how old I am. Last year I was out with a couple of girls from my dance class and they asked how old I was. I told them 23 and they left it at that.

 

That is a lot of in-depth questions. More than I want to spend tome on right now.

 

Back when I was 22, I was extremely quiet, I hardly ever spoke to anybody. I remember going to Jr. college for a couple of years and I can't remember having a conversation with anybody on that campus. Needless to say, I wasn't dating anybody nor have I ever in a friendzone thing by that time.

 

Even though I rarely talk about myself, I'm afraid I have been boring to women. I'm not really good at steering conversations. I just pick out certain things that she says that seem interesting and ask her questions. I can keep conversations going but it's her talking 2/3rds of the time.

 

As for doing things for her, I wanted her to like me. So everything I did, I did with the intention of trying to get her to like me. I never asked for a reward, all I wanted was for her to like me and spend more time with me. So it only made sense to try and make her happy.

 

The only thing that Dani knew was that I wanted a girlfriend and that I liked her. She had no idea how desperate I was, nothing about my depression, how much I really wanted her, my feelings about women etc. I keep all those things to myself and only share them online.

 

None of these are examples of opening up. The only time you ever seem to open up, is when your are extremely frustrated and down, or angry and lashing out at LS members. Even then you go into lock down mode, and say stuff like I don't have time to answers those questions. Or how you didn't meet and talk with another posters friend. I bet this is why you stopped counselling as well.

 

You need to open up and talk about who you are, or no woman is going to date you. Most people won't date someone they know nothing about.

 

 

It's just my mentality. I have a high external locus of control. Meaning I don't feel I have much control over my life. I need to blame something other than myself for my troubles. BTW, I already basically hate myself, so putting even more blame on myself is not going to help.

 

And this, this needs to change, or you are never going to get anywhere.

[BubblyBeth]

Umm, yes you do. Anyone That has read your posts knows this.

 

None of these are examples of opening up. The only time you ever seem to open up, is when your are extremely frustrated and down, or angry and lashing out at LS members. Even then you go into lock down mode, and say stuff like I don't have time to answers those questions. Or how you didn't meet and talk with another posters friend. I bet this is why you stopped counselling as well.

 

You need to open up and talk about who you are, or no woman is going to date you. Most people won't date someone they know nothing about.

 

And this, this needs to change, or you are never going to get anywhere.

 

SD, I agree that you do struggle with opening up. Your posts indicate so. I can tell you we girls LOVE a guy who shows us he can be honest, real and vulnerable. Whenever I read your posts, I see more deceit than honesty. To be perfectly honest with you, that is not attractive and probably another reason why you are where you are.

 

I mean, all this talk about lying about your age (saying you're 23 when you're nearly 32? Think about that) and how you think girls have NO idea you are depressed, a debbie downer, etc. is all just talk of a guy who is running around in circles repeating the same pattern that is doomed to fail. Oh, and I'm sorry to report, we ladies DO know and can tell more about a guy than you are giving us credit for. No, we can't read minds, but most of us can read body language and between the lines. I'm sure girls in real life are sensing some things about you that gives them red flags. That's probably why that girl in your class you were talking about "seems to be avoiding you." It's not rocket science. WE LADIES CAN TELL.

 

I think, until you are willing to GET REAL with yourself and develop some positive habits and traits (i.e. empathy, honesty, being truly vulnerable, finding a passion in life other than girls, a POSITIVE attitude, selflessness, etc.), you will probably always be stuck right where you are.

 

Before you cry blasphemy or call me a hater, remember that I speak from a young woman's POV. Your posts to me clearly indicate the kind of person you are, and I can see why girls in real life do not flock to you. You have too much of a one track mind, without enough skills to attract that (i.e. girls) which you so very much desperately seek.

 

Develop some skills/talent/positive traits, or you'll continue to be lonely. Bottom line.

Edited March 15, 2013 by BubblyBeth

[somedude81]

As if telling a girl that I'm depressed, hate my life, struggling in college and that I'm 10 years older than her, before we've even been on a date is going to make her want me.

[normal person]

As if telling a girl that I'm depressed, hate my life, struggling in college and that I'm 10 years older than her, before we've even been on a date is going to make her want me.

 

As if telling her all this stuff after you've been out is going to make her want you.

[somedude81]

No, we can't read minds, but most of us can read body language and between the lines. I'm sure girls in real life are sensing some things about you that gives them red flags. That's probably why that girl in your class you were talking about "seems to be avoiding you." It's not rocket science. WE LADIES CAN TELL.

She probably sees that I'm hesitating to talk to her. That I'm not 100% confident because I'm not sure about her actions toward me.

 

So then she probably knows that I'm interested but I'm not totally sure of myself, and she sees that as a red flag.

 

If that's true, it's pretty harsh.

[somedude81]

As if telling her all this stuff after you've been out is going to make her want you.

Exactly.

 

None of it needs to be said at all.

 

Everybody has things they keep to themselves.

[normal person]

It's seems like a catch 22. Does your depression stem from your girl troubles? Is this one girl going out with you going to magically cure them?

 

In the hypothetical situation where you ask her out and she agrees, she's going to find out about your age, depression, and school issues eventually. Then she's going to mad at you for lying to her.

 

I guess I would advise you not to try and date anyone if you have to lie about things like that; wait until you're better... but then again, if you think that lying about it to get girls as a means to an end is the way to go, then I don't really have an answer. You should probably seek a professional's advice if you're dealing with depression.

[ThaWholigan]

Exactly.

 

None of it needs to be said at all.

 

Everybody has things they keep to themselves.

Yes, but if you don't exercise it, it will become a disease that consumes you. It probably already has and you don't know it. You need to at least open up to someone so that you can exercise your problems. A GF is not going to do that - nor will a GF constantly put up with it unless she has some investment. Your problem is you put investment in them before everything then become depressed when you feel its not reciprocated. You gotta stop that.

[TheGuard13]

The simple fact is, most people, especially women, are not going to like you, especially romantically unless you like yourself. It's one thing to feel a certain way about something, it's quite another to always be negative.

 

People tend to be drawn to those with confidence, who excude happiness and positivity, and they tend to be repulsed by those who exude low self-esteem and misery and negativity.

 

You need to work on putting things in perspective, dealing with your depression, finding some positive influences and some happiness for yourself and improving your life. Then you can start worry about bringing other people into it. But you've got to have a solid foundation first.

[somedude81]

It's seems like a catch 22. Does your depression stem from your girl troubles?

It most definitely does. There is no doubt in my mind that my depression is primarily caused by my complete lack of success with women.

 

Is this one girl going out with you going to magically cure them?

No, but it would put me on the path towards recovery.

In the hypothetical situation where you ask her out and she agrees, she's going to find out about your age, depression, and school issues eventually. Then she's going to mad at you for lying to her.

Not exactly.

 

I'll probably reveal my depression at some point it won't be till way down the line and by then I should only have very minor symptoms.

 

Age, I'll tell her that much sooner. But not until after a couple of dates. I'd just avoid the question.

 

School issues, that's not the business of any girl I date. Nobody has to know how long it took me to get my degree. I'd disclose some information if she's interested but there is no reason to tell anybody everything.

 

Yes, but if you don't exercise it, it will become a disease that consumes you. It probably already has and you don't know it. You need to at least open up to someone so that you can exercise your problems. A GF is not going to do that - nor will a GF constantly put up with it unless she has some investment. Your problem is you put investment in them before everything then become depressed when you feel its not reciprocated. You gotta stop that.

I open up plenty on this forum

 

There are better things to do with a girl then vent my problems to her.

[TheGuard13]

I know you think your depression is caused by your complete lack of success with women, but I'd be willing to bet is has more to do with your general worldview, outlook and perspective. Start the change the way you think, and you will change the way you feel.

[Lonely Ronin]

As if telling a girl that I'm depressed, hate my life, struggling in college and that I'm 10 years older than her, before we've even been on a date is going to make her want me.

 

Exactly.

 

None of it needs to be said at all.

 

Everybody has things they keep to themselves.

 

Your missing the point man, It's not that you need to tell they these things specifically, you're reading what I posted way to literally. What you need to do is telling them things about you, so they can connect with you on an emotional level.

 

What's happening currently, is you see a girl you like and start asking her questions. You like what you hear and become attached. However, since you don't talk about yourself, or try to minimize it, you have given her nothing that she would want to connect with emotionally.

 

Exactly.

 

None of it needs to be said at all.

 

Everybody has things they keep to themselves.

 

Again, you don't need to share these specific things, but you need to share more that just superficial stuff.

 

 

I'll probably reveal my depression at some point it won't be till way down the line and by then I should only have very minor symptoms.

 

First you can't hide stuff like significant depression. When you start to open up it's going to become very noticeable. Unless the woman your dating is a complete tard, she is going to pick up on the fact that something isn't right. She isn't going to be able tell exactly whats wrong, but she will know something is.

 

 

 

Age, I'll tell her that much sooner. But not until after a couple of dates. I'd just avoid the question.

 

Honestly, this is something you should discuss very early if the age gap is more than 4 or 5 years. If it's a deal breaker for her initially, it's going to be a deal breaker a handful of dates in. It's better for you to find out sooner, than find out after you get attached.

 

I open up plenty on this forum

 

You're not trying to date LS members.

 

There are better things to do with a girl then vent my problems to her.

Again, who said anything about venting, I said you need to open up.

 

A good example of opening up:

Girl - Whats you favorite move?

Guy - I really like The matrix trilogy, because I enjoy the philosophical aspects of it. I Also really connected with Neo, because at times I to have struggled with what direction my life should take. Some more detail............

 

 

A bad example of opening up:

Girl - Whats you favorite move?

Guy - I really like The matrix trilogy

[tuxedo cat]

Lying about your age (by ten years no less!) is a terrible way to start a relationship. Once you reveal your true age there is a good chance the girl you are seeing will run for the hills.

 

Furthermore I doubt you actually look 23. The fact that other students have asked your age means you already stick out to them as being significantly older. Of course they accepted the age you gave them because nobody is going to be piggish enough to question your honesty.

 

What that poster was getting at isn't that you should advertise your depression and other weaknesses to people you are getting to know, but that you shouldn't actively try to conceal who you are either because you will end up looking insecure, creepy and sad.

 

This means being honest with yourself first, cutting out the denial, accepting that your depression and insecurities most likely leak into your behavior and are obvious to others. Stop trying to fight it and manufacture a false impression because it's not going to work. Few of us are good enough actors to completely conceal our true selves. Sure we can soften the edges a bit but it's nearly impossible to put on a convincing happy face if you hate yourself, resent others and have no interests outside of using them as antidotes to your pain.

 

Really the only fix is changing who you are inside so you don't have to con others into liking you. Getting with girls isn't an option because obviously it's not working and even if you did manage to land a girlfriend you would be so dependent on that one girl for your happiness that you'd probably suck her dry and she'd leave you in the end.

 

So focus on your school work, volunteer, develop some hobbies, do something that makes you happy and allows you to connect with the humanity in others and in yourself.

Edited March 15, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[Mme. Chaucer]

I wonder how it would be received if I, as a middle aged women, came here and posted about how I would only consider dating men 10 or more years younger than myself … lied about my age (by a decade) and insisted that nobody could perceive my real age.

 

I think I'd me mocked.

[Treasa]

It most definitely does. There is no doubt in my mind that my depression is primarily caused by my complete lack of success with women.

 

 

It isn't a catch 22. One of these things you can control. The other you can't. I'm sure you think you can't control either of them, as I once did, but you can. It does take work and force of will. Either you're willing to do the work and have the force of will, or you don't.

 

I have experienced a TON of anxiety and depression in my life. As in, I would need to take two posts to tell you all about it. But last year I decided that the one thing I can control, regardless of what else happens in my life, is how I feel about things. How my inner monologue goes, how I feel, how I act. I do all of these things with a ton of positive energy now, and although I had friends and all of that before, now it seems like I can't get people off me.

 

Hint: I bolded the part you can control.

[Treasa]

I wonder how it would be received if I, as a middle aged women, came here and posted about how I would only consider dating men 10 or more years younger than myself … lied about my age (by a decade) and insisted that nobody could perceive my real age.

 

I think I'd me mocked.

 

It's rather funny how you don't feel the need to lie about or exaggerate anything when you're truly happy with yourself.

 

I'm 38! I'm middle-aged! Or getting there. I failed college on my first attempt! I once weighed 270 pounds! I used to be so dependent on a man's approval that I literally couldn't function without it!

 

BFD. I changed the things I didn't like about myself (and graduated from college with honors), and the things I couldn't control (like my age) I just embrace. I'm happy I'm 38. I'm proud of what I've done with my life, both the good and the bad, and I wouldn't make the bad go away for anything in the world. If I hadn't experienced it and learned from it, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

[somedude81]

Again, who said anything about venting, I said you need to open up.

 

A good example of opening up:

Girl - Whats you favorite move?

Guy - I really like The matrix trilogy, because I enjoy the philosophical aspects of it. I Also really connected with Neo, because at times I to have struggled with what direction my life should take. Some more detail............

 

 

A bad example of opening up:

Girl - Whats you favorite move?

Guy - I really like The matrix trilogy

That's what you were talking about? Yeah I didn't think you meant opening up in those terms at all.

 

BTW, when is that kind of answer appropriate? It sounds like something to say after a few dates or something. Or maybe I'm mistaken.

 

Though I do understand giving a reason for my answers instead of just a one word reply and turning it back to her.

 

That's more about conversation skills then opening up.

[somedude81]

What that poster was getting at isn't that you should advertise your depression and other weaknesses to people you are getting to know, but that you shouldn't actively try to conceal who you are either because you will end up looking insecure, creepy and sad.

What is in between advertising my depression and concealing it?

This means being honest with yourself first, cutting out the denial, accepting that your depression and insecurities most likely leak into your behavior and are obvious to others. Stop trying to fight it and manufacture a false impression because it's not going to work. Few of us are good enough actors to completely conceal our true selves. Sure we can soften the edges a bit but it's nearly impossible to put on a convincing happy face if you hate yourself, resent others and have no interests outside of using them as antidotes to your pain.

No sane woman is going to want to date a man who is obviously depressed.

 

Also as I said before, I'm sure my insecurities do leak out because I'm not going up to a girl right away and asking her out. The girl in my salsa class probably knows I want to ask her out and I'm sure she wonders why I haven't yet and she detected a lack of confidence. Or I can be completely wrong, I don't know.

 

Really the only fix is changing who you are inside so you don't have to con others into liking you. Getting with girls isn't an option because obviously it's not working and even if you did manage to land a girlfriend you would be so dependent on that one girl for your happiness that you'd probably suck her dry and she'd leave you in the end.

I've been trying to fix who I am on the inside for over a decade. All that is doing is treating the symptoms.

It's rather funny how you don't feel the need to lie about or exaggerate anything when you're truly happy with yourself.

 

I'm 38! I'm middle-aged! Or getting there. I failed college on my first attempt! I once weighed 270 pounds! I used to be so dependent on a man's approval that I literally couldn't function without it!

 

BFD. I changed the things I didn't like about myself (and graduated from college with honors), and the things I couldn't control (like my age) I just embrace. I'm happy I'm 38. I'm proud of what I've done with my life, both the good and the bad, and I wouldn't make the bad go away for anything in the world. If I hadn't experienced it and learned from it, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

As has been said tons of time on this forum, many young women will consider my age to be a deal breaker. Without knowing anything about who I am they would reject me. So why would I want to put that out there right in the open?

 

If I can get one date with a girl before I tell her my age, and I couldn't even get a date if I told her before, why would I do the later?

[Lonely Ronin]

BTW, when is that kind of answer appropriate? It sounds like something to say after a few dates or something. Or maybe I'm mistaken.

 

Whenever questions come up, is when you open up and express yourself. If your 5 minutes into the first date, and a chance to open up happens then you do it.

 

 

What is in between advertising my depression and concealing it?

 

not being afraid to talk about it, or tell someone about it when questions are asked, or when you can relate to a woman in regards to it. Everyone has dealt with depression at some point in their life.

 

 

 

As has been said tons of time on this forum, many young women will consider my age to be a deal breaker. Without knowing anything about who I am they would reject me. So why would I want to put that out there right in the open?

 

If I can get one date with a girl before I tell her my age, and I couldn't even get a date if I told her before, why would I do the later?

 

You get it out right up front, because it's a deal breaker. If it's truly a deal breaker for them, it won't matter how many dates in it is when they find out, the result will be the same, she will stop seeing you. Thus don't waste your time or theirs.

[somedude81]

Whenever questions come up, is when you open up and express yourself. If your 5 minutes into the first date, and a chance to open up happens then you do it.

Ok sure. But the types of responses will vary depending on how comfortable I am with somebody.

 

not being afraid to talk about it, or tell someone about it when questions are asked, or when you can relate to a woman in regards to it. Everyone has dealt with depression at some point in their life.

My depression isn't "a little depression at some point in my life."

 

Sure I can share some stuff about it but full disclosure is unwise.

 

You get it out right up front, because it's a deal breaker. If it's truly a deal breaker for them, it won't matter how many dates in it is when they find out, the result will be the same, she will stop seeing you. Thus don't waste your time or theirs.

You assume that I would consider getting only one date with a girl a waste of my time.

[Lonely Ronin]

Ok sure. But the types of responses will vary depending on how comfortable I am with somebody.

 

Define being comfortable.

 

You assume that I would consider getting only one date with a girl a waste of my time.

 

Honestly, I don't think you could handle being rejected because of your age after a handful of dates. Additionally, only ever making it through one date with a woman is going to mess you up more than no dates, because you will most likely find out exactly why you are getting rejected.

[normal person]

 

You assume that I would consider getting only one date with a girl a waste of my time.

 

Even if it wouldn't be for you, it sounds like it probably would be for her. Considering all the false advertising and withholding of information.

 

I personally think you should hold off on dating until you aren't hiding anything. If you're depressed, get help.

[somedude81]

Honestly, I don't think you could handle being rejected because of your age after a handful of dates. Additionally, only ever making it through one date with a woman is going to mess you up more than no dates, because you will most likely find out exactly why you are getting rejected.

Hah! Shows how much you know.

 

Dude, if I somehow managed to go on three first dates this year, that would be fu*king awesome!

Even if it wouldn't be for you, it sounds like it probably would be for her.

LOL! And why the hell should I care if I'm wasting her time?