My husband is always downloading photos of celebrities (with clothes on)...

[Pantuuf]

Hello,

 

I am looking for some insight and opinions. I have a great husband, lots of fun and a great partner. I am just wondering what you think of this...

 

I always find photos of female celebrities on the family computer (I live with my husband, we don't have children yet), usually fully clothed but sometimes with a breast exposed, etc. Ususally, he looks at people like Keira Knightly, Halle Berry etc but lately it has been Olympic gymnasts like Carly Patterson. She is awfully young and I was a bit upset and surprised.

 

We have discussed why he looks in the past and she says he is curious and likes to look at photos women, which does not mean he wants to be with them or thinks less of me. We are working on communication and things seem to be improving.

 

Should I be concerned with his curiosity in these images? I guess I should be happy that they are clothed I am just confused by it all.

 

Any help or opinions are appreciated.

[Honesty]

Would it be better if looked at porn?

[Pantuuf]

Oh, he does that too and I think I have come to an understanding about that and he even told me what turns him on about it and I think I can cope. This is something new and I don't quite get it...is it more of the same reasons or is this something to be concerned about?

[Sundaymorning]

Originally posted by Pantuuf

Hello,

 

I am looking for some insight and opinions. I have a great husband, lots of fun and a great partner. I am just wondering what you think of this...

 

I always find photos of female celebrities on the family computer (I live with my husband, we don't have children yet), usually fully clothed but sometimes with a breast exposed, etc. Ususally, he looks at people like Keira Knightly, Halle Berry etc but lately it has been Olympic gymnasts like Carly Patterson. She is awfully young and I was a bit upset and surprised.

 

We have discussed why he looks in the past and she says he is curious and likes to look at photos women, which does not mean he wants to be with them or thinks less of me. We are working on communication and things seem to be improving.

 

Should I be concerned with his curiosity in these images? I guess I should be happy that they are clothed I am just confused by it all.

 

Any help or opinions are appreciated.

 

 

 

Before you married him, did you not have a clue he was like this?

It would upset me, but honestly, I would just do the same , but with pics of men. Sometimes that shows the man your perspective.... and he sees what it is like being in the other persons shoes.

[wizzy45]

I do not think that you are going to have to worry to much about that problem, which does not seem to be that much of a problem anyways. I mean the Olympic girls are getting downloaded like crazy lately, I too have found myself checking out some of these girls. I am 24 and I Just look at them without any regards as to how old they are. I just like to look thats about it, and when I saw that I dont mean look in a sexual way, just look at whats out there thats it. Now if your husband is masturbating to these photos of these girls then we might have a little bit of an issue here. Some guys would just rather see a girl clothed and use his imagination to what he thinks is underneath the clothing, makes for more excitement. Im not a big fan of just naked girls, I like to see a little strip tease or just be teased with just some nip ons through some clothing or seeing a thong rising up through the shorts.

[ShareHer]

Pantuuf,

 

Firstly, Honesty asked a good question ... "Would it be better if he looked at porn?"

 

Secondly, is it the act of looking at clothed women that bothers you or that he could possibly be masturbating to the pictures? If it's his masturbation that bothers you (if he is in fact doing that), would it make any difference if he was looking at porn or farm tractors for that matter?

 

I guess I'm just wondering what your boundaries are. Is it ok for him to look at dressed women? Nude women? Masturbate to either? Email with other women? Everyone has their limitations. What are yours in respect to what you're ok with your husband doing?

[Pantuuf]

[font=arial]Before you married him, did you not have a clue he was like this?

It would upset me, but honestly, I would just do the same , but with pics of men. Sometimes that shows the man your perspective.... and he sees what it is like being in the other persons shoes.[/font]

 

Yes, when we were dating I knew he looked at Playboy and porn and I was really against it (threatened by it and did not understand why a happy man in a relationship would have a wandering eye) and he promised not to do it anymore...however he did not keep that promise and we argued about it every couple months until we had a real heart to heart about it and he was totally honest as to why he looks and what it means and I think I came to understand him a bit better (not that it was easy at all, this issue is the toughest one we've ever faced). He says that the photos make it easier to masturbate vs. conjuring up an image in his head. He says when he must imagine he thinks of women he knows and that is more destructive to a relationship and he thinks that is disrespectful to me.

 

He says he would like it if I looked at photos of men, he thinks it is sexy and shows I am a sexual woman...however I have no interest in looking as I honestly think my husband is awesome and nobody else holds a candle to him.

[Pantuuf]

[color=red]Pantuuf,

 

Firstly, Honesty asked a good question ... "Would it be better if he looked at porn?"

 

Secondly, is it the act of looking at clothed women that bothers you or that he could possibly be masturbating to the pictures? If it's his masturbation that bothers you (if he is in fact doing that), would it make any difference if he was looking at porn or farm tractors for that matter?

 

I guess I'm just wondering what your boundaries are. Is it ok for him to look at dressed women? Nude women? Masturbate to either? Email with other women? Everyone has their limitations. What are yours in respect to what you're ok with your husband doing?[/color]

 

 

Thanks for your questions...

 

Yes, I do think that he does masturbate to these photos.

 

I guess for some reason the porn makes more sense to me as they are meant to be erotic photos and the photos of clothed women are just surprising to me. In a perfect world (which I am not naive enough to think exists anymore) I would be his one and only but I am coming to terms with accepting that he masturbates all the time to other women. I suppose as long as he does not ever act upon these fantasies in the real world I can live with it but still feel very upset by it and can't seem to let go...

 

I just wonder how other women cope with this? I just want to feel whole and comfortable with my husband again.

[ShareHer]

Pantuuf,

 

No matter what anyone here tells you, only you (with your husband's help) can make you feel comfortable with his masturbation and what he uses as a visual. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about. He doesn't seem to be hiding it from you or lying about it.

 

My wife and I have a pretty good sex life but I still enjoy masturbating a few times a week. That's absolutely no reflexion on her. You could even call it selfish if you like but sometimes it's nice not having to please her and sometimes it's nice not having to try to figure out how she'd respond to my middle of the night advances. If I had to masturbate without any physical or visual stimulation, I honestly don't know if I could do it. I have used all sorts of visual and mental stimulation when I masturbate. I have used scenarios (in my mind) that I wouldn't dream of telling my wife or anyone else about. I have used thoughts of women I know, I have used sexy situations that I know would never happen. I have used pictures of women in different stages of undress on my computer. I'm always on the lookout for other visuals that will really get my motor running. (Sounds like that's all I ever do but believe me, it's not!) After saying all that, I love my wife more than ever and don't need any other women. Don't get me wrong, if my wife was ok with me having sex with another woman, yep, I'd do it in a minute. To me, sex is just sex and masturbating is just masturbating ... no matter what it is I use to get me to that point of extacy.

[Pantuuf]

[color=red]Pantuuf,

 

No matter what anyone here tells you, only you (with your husband's help) can make you feel comfortable with his masturbation and what he uses as a visual. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about. He doesn't seem to be hiding it from you or lying about it.

 

My wife and I have a pretty good sex life but I still enjoy masturbating a few times a week. That's absolutely no reflexion on her. You could even call it selfish if you like but sometimes it's nice not having to please her and sometimes it's nice not having to try to figure out how she'd respond to my middle of the night advances. If I had to masturbate without any physical or visual stimulation, I honestly don't know if I could do it. I have used all sorts of visual and mental stimulation when I masturbate. I have used scenarios (in my mind) that I wouldn't dream of telling my wife or anyone else about. I have used thoughts of women I know, I have used sexy situations that I know would never happen. I have used pictures of women in different stages of undress on my computer. I'm always on the lookout for other visuals that will really get my motor running. (Sounds like that's all I ever do but believe me, it's not!) After saying all that, I love my wife more than ever and don't need any other women. Don't get me wrong, if my wife was ok with me having sex with another woman, yep, I'd do it in a minute. To me, sex is just sex and masturbating is just masturbating ... no matter what it is I use to get me to that point of extacy.[/color]

 

ShareHer,

 

Thanks for the response, it is good to get the male perspective. I do have a couple of questions though, you say that sex is just sex and masturbation is just masturbation and that if your wife were okay with you having sex w/ another woman, you would do it...is this because men separate sex from love?

 

If so, don't men ever have love related sex with their partner, I guess my question is: Is sex with a partner you love any different than regular sex?

 

Is there anything a wife can do to minimize the amount the a husband turns to porn? I don't want to change my husband, just want to understand him. If porn is important to him, okay but I am just surprised at the frequency and begin to question myself (I wish I had stronger self esteem).

 

Thanks again!

[Bubbles]

Pantuuf,

 

As you can probably tell some people have extremely Liberal ideas on pornography, masturbation, sharing your partner and the sanctitiy of marriage.

 

I understand how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable with what your husband is doing then tell him so. Tell him EXACTLY how his actions make you feel and tell him that you need him to comfort you and to tell you exactly how he feels that his actions are going to improve the marriage. Far be it for a woman to look, talk or download pictures of another man (while married) without feeling ashamed/embarassed because we feel that we are betraying our vows or promises to be "true". Men on the other hand are very open about looking at pornography and feel that they do no have to justify their actions. Obviously men function without the "guilt" emotion.

 

Vive le difference! This is an age old question that will NEVER be answered properly. For once I would like a man to say openly to his wife/girlfriend that he needed to look at naked women to get his rocks off because "she" just was'nt doing it for him lateley or at that very moment. Do you know how many men would be dead?

 

I have come to this conclusion..........men love their wives for different reasons and they are obviously not sexual ones. We are a supplement for the Mother figure. If you are lucky enough to have one of the good ones then hang on tight.......never let the "spice"run out in your sex life with him because that's when the trouble begins.

 

 

Bubbles

[Pantuuf]

Thanks Bubbles,

 

I agree, this is one humdinger of an issue that won't likely ever be truly put to rest.

 

I am trying very hard not to let the spice die, I just often feel that marriage is filled with compromise much of which the wife has to bear. I wish my mother has warned me about this. Everyone says marriage takes work but should not feel like work and I did not know what that meant till now.

 

I do believe I have one of the good ones, even more of a reason to feel fear of losing him one of these days to the other ladies out there.

 

Thanks again,

Cindy

[Sundaymorning]

Coming from relationship experience, I think its a hugely bad sign if your SO is not willing to do something, anything, for you if they know it will make you feel better.

I know that is the only way I live in this healthy relationship I am in.

Good luck to you.

[ShareHer]

Originally posted by Pantuuf

ShareHer,

 

Thanks for the response, it is good to get the male perspective. I do have a couple of questions though, you say that sex is just sex and masturbation is just masturbation and that if your wife were okay with you having sex w/ another woman, you would do it...is this because men separate sex from love?

 

I can't speak for all men of course but I know many, including myself, that can separate the two. I've had sex with women where the only difference between that and masturbation was that the sex involved a little more effort (satisfying them). I do in fact enjoy satisfying my partner but it's also fun sometimes not having to worry about it. If my wife had sex with another man it would be no different to me if she had pulled out her vibrator and pleasured herself with it.

 

 

If so, don't men ever have love related sex with their partner, I guess my question is: Is sex with a partner you love any different than regular sex?

 

Speaking for myself only, I on a rare occasion feel some sort of overwhelming love eminating from our sex act. Mostly it's more like, "Yahoo! Let's have some fun!" If for some health reasons my wife could no longer have sex with me, I wouldn't feel even the tiniest bit less love for her. Yep, I'd definitely masturbate a lot more but I'd love her as always!

 

Is there anything a wife can do to minimize the amount the a husband turns to porn? I don't want to change my husband, just want to understand him. If porn is important to him, okay but I am just surprised at the frequency and begin to question myself (I wish I had stronger self esteem).

 

I would say, try to become his replacement for porn. Have you tried the sexy lingerie/clothes routine? Have you ever tried acting out of your normal character ... ie: talking dirty to him? taking on a new personality for an evening? going out and letting other men notice you and make sure he notices them noticing you? I read an interesting book called Kosher Adultery. The author does not suggest that you cheat on your husband but instead bring all the exciting attributes of a steamy affair into your marriage. I first saw a documentary on TV where the author, who is also some sort of councilor, was working with a couple that lost the excitement in their sex lives. He had her go to a night club/bar by herself and sit at the bar. He instructed the husband to come in a half hour later and sit somewhere else in the club within site distance. She was simply to sit there and talk to other men if they struck up a conversation with her. No kissing, touching or anything inappropriate. Lots of eye contact and smiles. The husband sat and watched, probably feeling uncomfortable and possibly jealous. He saw through their eyes how attractive and desirable his wife was. This made him want her like never before ... well, maybe like he did when they were dating. They eventually went home together and made passionate love and their lovelife had been magically rekindled. I'd guess that they'd have to do it again every once in awhile to heat things up again. I thought that was really cool. I know for a fact that it would get my fire burning big time!

 

Anyway, my point is, make him desire -you- again.

[Pantuuf]

Thanks for the suggestion ShareHer, we might just try it soon.