My therapist doesn't think there's anything else to talk about?!?

[BrokenPrincess]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

[georgia girl]

You sound healthy. Confused. Still heartbroken. Still wanting a future that may be wholely uncertain. But healthy. You can elucidate what your situation is and by the way you write it, I can tell you have a great self-honesty about it and a great handle on where things are.

 

Your therapist, on the other hand, sounds a little cold-hearted. Ouch. Are there better ones around?

 

On the other hand, she may be telling you that the ball is truly in your court. You could go back to where things were and the uncertainty of that relationship, but with the certainty of that love being returned. You could ask for me and decide that if he doesn't solely choose you that you will continue to heal. Or, you could stay no contact and not risk any of the progress you've made by rekindling your relationship.

 

The ball really is in your court. Do you know what you want? And if you do, can you handle pursuing it?

 

My best wishes for you... and your therapist makes me chuckle, too!

[Decorative]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

I think your therapist isn't qualified to understand affairs.

 

Like, at all.

 

You deserve much better than what she's giving.

 

Let's find a new therapist? This one? Not right.

[AnotherRound]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

It could be your therapist's way (misguided albeit) of trying to get you to take action. Talking in therapy only goes so far - at some point, the client has to start doing something to reach the goals that they have set.

 

There honestly comes a point in therapy where some clients (I don't think this is you, but maybe your therapist thinks so?) get kind of "stuck" in "just talking". They come in, vent for an hour, and then leave - and come back the next week and do the same thing. It doesn't feel right to keep taking their money when there isn't any "action" or progress per se.

 

Maybe that is where she is? Maybe she thinks that you need to figure out where you want to go and then come back when you do so that she can help you get there? Or, she knows that deep down you really already know where you want/need to go but just haven't really come to terms with it yet - and is hoping the "break" will help that happen?

 

If I was in your place, I would ask her. I would simply say what you said here "Am I a person who sounds like they need a break in therapy?" See what she says - you might be surprised by her answer.

 

Or, it could be totally an insurance thing - if you are paying that way - I hope not, but insurance companies do put restrictions on therapy sessions - especially time limits and frequency. I have been forced by insurance companies to go from once a week to every two weeks with clients, even when it wasn't therapeutically appropriate.

 

Or, take the break and make a list - figure out what you want, where you want to go - and then take the list back to her and let her help you figure out HOW to get there.

 

I get the frustration - I know that clients need their sessions. OH, unless she thinks that maybe you are getting too dependent on the sessions and not actually moving forward on your own... that could be a possibility too. Sorry, just thought of that - as I'm trying to think of why I would do this with a client.

 

Anyway, I get that you need your sessions - maybe try some self soothing techniques / coping skills - maybe it's time to put to practice some of what you have learned in the sessions. When you successfully do this, your confidence will build and that is always helpful - maybe this is what she is hoping for?

 

Of course, I'm just guessing - I really have no idea, just some ideas on maybe why.

[LFH]

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

I cna't remember how long you've been in IC, but that aside, if YOU don't feel like you are in need of reduction of your IC, then obviously she shoudln't be trying to reduce it.

I don't think she's a good fit for you and I would certainly encourage you to find another.

That seems rather... wth to me too.

 

Yes, it's a decision you have to make, but her methodology is a little skewed in my opinion. Not all therapists are good therapists. Not all therapists that aren't a good fit are bad therapists, but one thing is for sure, all therapists are NOT created equal.

Your needs and this counselor are not a match. You deserve better for yourself.

[Stellar Wench]

She gave you your options. If you had no further questions, what else was there to talk about until your next session? She put the responsibility on you to take action, which is what she is supposed to do. What were you expecting?

[whichwayisup]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

Hmm, your T just put the ball in your court. Shi.t or get off the pot. Make a move and DO something to change your life because as things are now, it's a stand still and it's a ticking bomb waiting to explode. She gave you a swift kick in the butt to force you to DO something. I would look at it as a positive. She's saying you are ready and you don't need her to hold your hand or go to her for input. Fly grasshopper, fly. Or however that expression goes..

 

You do need to make a decision one way or another. My suggestion? Talk to your H and make the confession. I think deep down your M is over because if MM leaves his wife, you're leaving your H - So with that said, seems you don't love your H the way you should, or the way he deserves.

 

What I tell many, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it. Your time is up and you have worked hard so now the rest is up to you. Your T can only do so much.

[BrokenPrincess]

She gave you your options. If you had no further questions, what else was there to talk about until your next session? She put the responsibility on you to take action, which is what she is supposed to do. What were you expecting?

 

I was expecting to be told I need to be in her office weekly to work through what the heck is wrong with me.

 

But yes, I do need to do some soul searching. XMM and I have a time set to talk next week, and we will both be alone for the night, so I think this will be the time to really talk. I'm scared for the conversation I think we need to have, and a part of me just wants to avoid it & just enjoy the time catching up and then see how things unfold over the coming weeks.

[whichwayisup]

So basically the A will go continue on and you both will stay married, neither of you will confess and just end the marriage(s)?

 

I think waiting for another Dday is making a fool of your spouses. If you and MM want to be together and the love is real, you two can build a good life together, start fresh on honest ground, out in the open and grow together, then do it! divorce and be together. Don't prolong this and don't keep the A going for months and months.

[BrokenPrincess]

You do need to make a decision one way or another. My suggestion? Talk to your H and make the confession. I think deep down your M is over because if MM leaves his wife, you're leaving your H - So with that said, seems you don't love your H the way you should, or the way he deserves.

 

I do love my H. There are kids involved too. My H is a phenomenal father. I am 98% sure xMM wouldn't leave. And its not that simple. We are in different states, each near our families. We both love our jobs. But again, he's not leaving and I'm probably over thinking everything.

 

I did realize in therapy today though that if xMM wasn't involved, I would not be interested in leaving my M.

 

My gut tells me I need to focus on the commitments I made and focus on providing a happy, loving childhood just like I had and be a better role model.

[BrokenPrincess]

So basically the A will go continue on and you both will stay married, neither of you will confess and just end the marriage(s)?

 

I think waiting for another Dday is making a fool of your spouses.

 

You're right. It's cruel.

 

We need to talk. We've never even said ILY. He's got a long marriage at stake, and I have a young family.

 

I feel like I need to finally tell him how I feel. Its hard enough to get out, and having a talk like this over the phone is brutal. And I need to find the strength to end it and go back to NC.

[beach]

I was expecting to be told I need to be in her office weekly to work through what the heck is wrong with me.

 

But yes, I do need to do some soul searching. XMM and I have a time set to talk next week, and we will both be alone for the night, so I think this will be the time to really talk. I'm scared for the conversation I think we need to have, and a part of me just wants to avoid it & just enjoy the time catching up and then see how things unfold over the coming weeks.

 

I see this as a reason to continue your therapy.

 

Address your issues of avoiding.

 

And have her help you take action. Ask her for suggestions of getting started doing something different instead of nothing. Or doing more differently if you're doing baby steps.

 

Ask her to help with those two things first... To get the ball rolling.

[whichwayisup]

whoa, lighten up. No need to be so rude to someone who is figuring stuff out. Whether or not you agree or disagree with her life choices, she is here for help and advice.

[LadyGrey]

whoa, lighten up. No need to be so rude to someone who is figuring stuff out. Whether or not you agree or disagree with her life choices, she is here for help and advice.

 

I predict the newbie won't be here very long and I'm glad that kind of talk isn't allowed around here. No need for it.

[stevie_23]

Lol. I encountered this newbie on another thread and was also rather…surprised by her post.

 

The answer is simple... close your legs to someone else's husband.

 

I pray that there are no children involved... your abhorrent behavior will leave them with trust issues that may carry over to their marriages and children.

 

And probably to their own affairs too. lol (sorry. Very poor taste joke)

[wisernow]

The answer is simple... close your legs to someone else's husband.

 

Also, you have no right to whine about breaking up someone else's marriage. Your therapist is probably sick of hearing your crap and is just too diplomatic to say so; however, I have no reason to be diplomatic. You clearly are a self-centered tramp who doesn't care that you are destroying 2 marriages, and the lives of the innocent spouses.

 

I pray that there are no children involved... your abhorrent behavior will leave them with trust issues that may carry over to their marriages and children.

 

What's up Gail? Something you want to share with the group?

[veryhappy]

I find her approach odd given that you landed in her office four months ago or so suicidal. She should suggest and get your feedback if you think that works for you. Something similar has happened to me, and I never went back to that therapist. You need to feel that your therapist has your back, and I don't think you do right now. You are confused and she told you to get back in touch when you know what to do. Well, her job is to help you when you are confused.

 

I say find a different person.

 

Now...I am so upset to see you so confused and considering going back to an A. If you're not done though, you're not done. I don't think you realize that you can lose the M you don't seem to want to lose. I was completely okay losing my M, and I can't understand why you'd risk things if you are otherwise happily married.

 

He discarded you, you felt the way you did...why go back to that? He's been playing happy life in the mean time, holidays and all the rest. It will hurt more if you get back to the A.

[spice4life]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

I totally get why your therapist said that. You are very clear about who you are and you were honest about about feelings with her, so yeah, she feels that unless it's causing you a crisis there is no need to see her until your next appointment.

 

You know what?...it's kind of funny, but you kind of remind me of the female version of my AP....lol. I wouldn't worry about how you're MM feels about you - I'm sure he feels very much the same as you. I hope you two find peace with everything.

[RainDown]

Another thing to consider is the health insurance angle. Most health plans simply do not cover V codes (partner relational problem, academic problem, phase of life problem, etc) and your therapist cannot bill the insurance company for sessions limited to V codes. Most behavioral health providers get around this issue by sticking an Axis I Disorder on you - depression, anxiety, or adjustment disorder so that they can bill for your session. Perhaps your therapist doesn't think you have a mental disorder that is billable and refuses to label you with a code you don't have.

 

As an aside, many people are shocked when, for instance, applying for life insurance or a security clearance, they find out they were diagnosed with major depression in the past when they only went to "marital counseling" or "bereavement counseling".

 

If you come back to counseling in "crisis" your therapist can at least tag you with an adjustment disorder (if you meet the DSM criteria) and bill insurance for it.

 

If you are paying for your own sessions, I really don't know what to say. Unless a therapist is seriously overbooked they will see you as long as you keep coming in and paying on time, V code or not.

[aed]

I think your therapist isn't qualified to understand affairs.

 

Like, at all.

 

You deserve much better than what she's giving.

 

Let's find a new therapist? This one? Not right.

 

I sorry but I am going to be a little hard and direct: because OP is with an therapist to change her behaviour and stop the affair.

 

This is the right therapist for affairs. When OP doesn't change and only talks. From talking comes nothing, there is not some deep freudian understanding (just read some recent meta-reviews about behaviour therapy and how people change there lifes).

 

This therapist did the right thing: When OP doesn't do anything to change (not telling hb, keeping contacting (x)-mm, still feel she is the victem, not taking responsabilaty for her actions, etc). This therapist can go on for years but it will not book any results, and making money. But this shows that he or she takes her proffesion realy serious.

 

From what I read: OP wants a therapist (or a talk hour) with someone that is understanding her and comforting her. That's okay but i.m.o. therapist that go on with that for years are the worst possible ones you can get. The one that set boundaries and give you back your own responsability are the best and SUPPORT you in this proces. When you are not doing what you should be doing then well: a good therapist will say: I am sorry but I can't help you, if you want to change and really change you can come back.

 

This aproach works with people with BPS, Addiction Personality disorders etc. Even the guidelines are saying therapist should do this. Therapist that don't do that are mostly people that want to save people instead of helping people. They make things even worse in the long run, but people with these problems love them in short run or for years (but when you ask did it help....)

 

some people don't like that especcialy when they are in a victem rol and want the therapist to become the savior (this is the biggest pitfull a therapist can go into in a proffesional relationship!).

 

There is no magic bullet, you are not ill or depressed you just want to avoid your own actions and don't want to look your problems in the eye. If you would well: HB knows, MM was out of the picture and you where booking progress with any random therapist.

[BrokenPrincess]

Interesting posts. Definitely varying perspectives on my therapists approach. She's been a marriage & family counselor for 23 years, with a focus on infidelity.

 

After DDay, I started with a psychiatrist (I didn't realize that IC was usually with someone different) we talked for 20min, She gave me a bunch of AD, and told me to come back in 2 months.

 

Fast forward through the holidays, I am still taking the AD but finally figure out how IC works. So I've only been for 5 or 6 sessions, and I get 8 free with my ins, then a small copay (which I am fine with)

 

Two of my sessions ended up exclusively talking about some other issues I'm having with my mom, which T gave me tools on how to address, and they were resolved.

 

T has commented being pleased with some of my progress regarding the A. I finally got rid of some mementos, mental tools to reduce obsessive thinking, focusing on my H, etc.

 

At this point, I think I need to sort out what I want, and what I want to talk about with him next week. I still don't fully know why I am/have been willing to risk and hurt a wonderful, kind H. I just know that xMM brings out a different side to me, and he makes me laugh constantly, and I feel warm from the inside every time I talk to him. I keep telling myself its not real, it's mirroring, fog, bubble, validation....

[Pierre]

So I went to IC today & filled her in on the events of the last week: crying at a restaurant over lunch after I finally admitted I have real feelings for xMM, then pouring my heart out into an email to just tell him the truth, then deleting it all, then him calling me the next morning and basically doing the same thing, thereby finding out he actually feels the same way, THEN a letter & luttle gift arrived in the mail, then we talked today for a bit.

 

She thinks XMM & I need to have a really honest talk (we do, it was just too much to process in 2 weeks after 4 months of NC) AND decide together what we want to do, acknowledging what the plans are if we get caught, and are we both ok with that? lose him all over again, end or at least crush our Ms? are we deciding to just restart and then force our broken spouses to make the decision? Knowing that its highly doubtful his W will accept a second DDay, and most likely make sure my H knows.

 

Then she told me theres really nothing else to talk about, I know all the facts, need to decide what I want to do & to call her in a couple weeks for an appointment unless there's some major crisis.

 

Do I really seem like someone in a place to REDUCE my IC sessions?!! (I'm kind of laughing, kind of not)

 

What the h$@@

 

Many therapists do not understand affairs.

[RainDown]

At this point, I think I need to sort out what I want, and what I want to talk about with him next week. I still don't fully know why I am/have been willing to risk and hurt a wonderful, kind H. I just know that xMM brings out a different side to me, and he makes me laugh constantly, and I feel warm from the inside every time I talk to him. I keep telling myself its not real, it's mirroring, fog, bubble, validation....

 

I think the bolded statement is probably the answer to "why". MM is meeting some very powerful needs for you. We all feel warm from the inside when we are interacting with someone who is meeting our needs so well, and we want that warm inside feeling to continue, so we continue to seek it out again and again. That is how most us get "stuck" on someone - we keep going back because the interactions feel so good.

 

MM is bringing something out in you and meeting needs that your husband is not (no matter how wonderful he is). It really is that simple.

 

If your goal is to end the affair and remain with your husband (I haven't read your backstory, so I don't know) then you really have to stop any behavior that rewards you with warm, fuzzy feelings about MM. It's like an addict getting one more fix. And then another. And then another. Until you can banish MM from your life and your thoughts, you will continue to get your "one more fix" and you will remain hooked. Once you stop completely, the cravings and the memories of MM will diminish in time and you can put him behind you. Much easier said than done, I know. But that is how the human pleasure center is wired. We keep doing what feels good (or prevents us from feeling bad), even if our logical brain tells us to quit it.

 

I do understand how hard it is to stop doing something (or someone) who makes you feel good. Your therapist probably is focused on a concrete treatment plan that gets you, step by step, away from the crack that is your MM. Why you are hooked on MM does not matter in the grand scheme of things. The steps you take to sever the bond is the goal.

[Owl]

I suspect that what you're seeing is a combination of things.

 

First...I think that your couneselor is trying to tell you that there's nothing wrong with YOU...there's something smurfed up with your SITUATION.

 

So she's trying to get you to change the situation. Take action to resolve the situation, one way or another.

 

Secondly, I would suspect that since the counselor doesn't think there's something wrong with YOU...there's nothing there for her to do to help YOU. She's there to help YOU work on fixing YOU.

 

The problem is...it's the situation that you've created that's the real fundamental issue here...not something intrinsic in yourself that she can help you work through to identify and resolve.

 

So...take her advice. Fix your situation, one way or another. End the affair, or end the marriage. Resolve that external conflict, and you'll likely resolve your internal conflict as well.

 

As someone else said...*****, or get off the pot.

 

Spending weeks/months TALKING about change isn't creating or making change. That's "analysis paralysis". At some point...you actually have to DO something to cause things to be different.

 

What's it going to be for you?

 

Marriage?

 

Affair?

[BrokenPrincess]

Well I chose her specifically based on her experience with infidelity.

 

I am not looking for someone to comfort me. In fact, I started a thread at the beginning of my IC because I was concerned she wasn't pressing me enough about my A.

 

Maybe there's nothing left to discuss. Maybe it's just not the right fit.