My therapist doesn't think there's anything else to talk about?!?

[wisernow]

BrokenP,

 

I know that I don't fit the profile of those who post here but I can assure you it's not for the drama. As a faithful husband and father of two grown children I assessed my next familial non-material responsibility to the happiness of my children as that of being ready and available to provide suggestions and conciling to deal with or avoid an episode of faithlessness in either of their marriages. Last year, the tenets, learned on this site, of full disclosure, transparancy, honest and palpable remorse, and effective communication helped me do just that in an incident of not quite infidelity for one of my children.

 

I know that my words have not been well received by you but can you honestly tell me they are wrong? You are no further along in the resolution of your situation than you were six months ago. You describe you husband with kind words and often denegrate your lover. You express your fear of discovery and cry in secret. You have recently shown concern for the other betrayed spouse. You say that you don't have passion in your marriage but you continue to dissipate that passion by directing it to the other man. You keep starting new threads that cover the same ground and get the same responses. Even your therapist has said that she can't help you, you'll have to help yourself.

 

I have seen threads posted here by unfaithful spouses that say that their affairs have provided the 10% or so they need that is missing from their marriages. I'm not a betting man but it doesn't seem smart to risk 100% of a good husband's love, 50% of your children's lives, not to mention 100% of your self-respect for 10% that may or may not be real. It would be easier and surer attained within your marriage without the catastrophic consequenses. Actually I don't think that anything that involves human beings can or should really be measured beyond good or bad, right or wrong, and smart or stupid.

 

My posts as an anonymous stranger have been met and maybe rightfully so with your derision. Perhaps fatherly-like concern from a stranger who would not want to hear of family's train wreck will be better received.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

 

 

With all due respect.

 

You only assume to know who responds here and since you're new I'll clue you in. This may very well be a forum for OW/OM, but please don't (again) assume that all the advice given is from OW/OM. This board has many thoughtful, sincere and kind people from all sides of the triangle. Your very first post to this thread was rude, snide and crass, and I'm really surprised you are still here, or why you're here at all, except to flame and be rude.

[AnotherRound]

What does this mean? Are you saying that if the MM doesn't 'think' his wife is invested in the M then it's ok for him to continue to cheat?

 

And please, the likelyhood that anyone offered an open marriage is so remote it's not worth discussing is it? I'm betting you buy an incredible amount of lottery tickets given your desire to continue to push the unlikely.

 

Lol - I actually have only bought lottery tickets twice in my life!

 

It's not as unlikely as you seem to like to believe it is. This board is a VERY small sample and there are several posters who state that this was the case. Even if all of them, including myself, are lying - in my work I see it more than "remotely" likely, sorry, that's just the truth of it. I didn't say it was the majority, just could happen.

 

What is your fear of accepting that sometimes things aren't within the "norm"? Why does that scare you that this scenario too is a possibility? It doesn't give any insight into YOUR situation, nor does it invalidate what you know about your situation - nor does it imply that this is how your situation was.

 

And no, I'm not saying that the MM should just assume and carry on at all. I'm saying that if the MM is trying to keep the marriage for his own reasons (none of them being desire to be with the wife) and is honest about that with the wife - and she stonewalls him, or refuses to discuss or move or do anything with him as a couple to solve, sort, or at least divorce if that's not what she wants - then how would he know that? And, how long would you suggest he live in a relationship like that without knowing what his wife wants, needs, agrees to, doesn't agree to, etc.? If he wants to stay for the kids, he might stay under those circumstances indefinitely so that he can keep the benefits of the marriage that he wants (access to children, financial, children having two parents and not "broken" home, etc.) - but I wouldn't blame him for making decisions with what he knows if someone is denying him information that might change those decisions.

 

And again - I have no idea what is happening in this situation, and I am not claiming to know. I was just thinking of other possibilities - I'm a little curious as to why certain possibilities "freak you out" while others you are very comfortable with? Who cares - it's not your life, and in this world there are always billions of possibilities - whether you are comfortable with them or not.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thank you to all. There have really been some very sincere and thoughtful posts and discussions, and I have been taking it all in.

 

Regarding his W, I believe him in the regard that she did not react at least in length of time as I would have expected. She's never contacted me, and xMM said she's only mentioned me twice since DDay. I believe that as well because if she was vigilantly asking about me, asking for timelines, my H, etc, I think he would've just told/warned me then.

 

My goals for therapy were more than just the A, because at the time I started IC, it felt like I needed time to heal, and then figure out why I participated in the A to begin with. I also wanted to feel ok to go off the AD and to generally feel happier--not just as xMW, or W, but also as a mother & a daughter. We actually ended up spending most sessions discussing how to assert myself better as a mother, and how to handle my position between my H and my parents, who help with our family.

 

Until he broke NC, really the first 2 sessions was the only one we really dug into the A.

 

Maybe I'm just over thinking everything and just need to put myself back on track where I was 2 weeks ago before he called.

Edited March 13, 2013 by BrokenPrincess

[Decorative]

Thank you to all. There have really been some very sincere and thoughtful posts and discussions, and I have been taking it all in.

 

Regarding his W, I believe him in the regard that she did not react at least in length of time as I would have expected. She's never contacted me, and xMM said she's only mentioned me twice since DDay. I believe that as well because if she was vigilantly asking about me, asking for timelines, my H, etc, i think he would've just told/warned me then.

 

He is not a cold person...he is actually extremely warm. In fact, much warmer & expressive than my H, which is one of the qualities that first drew me to him.

 

My goals for therapy were more than just the A, because at the time I started IC, it felt like I needed time to heal, and then figure out why I participated in the A to begin with. I also wanted to feel ok to go off the AD and to generally feel happier--not just as xMW, or W, but also as a mother & a daughter. We actually ended up spending most sessions discussing how to assert myself better as a mother, and how to handle my position between my H and my parents, who help with our family.

 

Until he broke NC, really the first 2 sessions was the only one we really dug into the A.

 

I actually kind of "get" that % thing. And that's where I struggle with myself. Is 75% good enough? Or can you really have 90%?

 

As Ive said a million times, I have a good, kind husband and we've been together since we were young. I am different now as an adult, and so is he. Can you teach someone how to meet your emotional needs?

 

I feel like I'm stagnating in my life. Can you have a MLC is your 30s?

 

Yes. Because there's no empirical support that personal crises happen in midlife at a greater rate than any other age group, and in general midlife is reported as a more peaceful time.

 

So go ahead and have a crisis. Age ain't nothing but a number, baby.

[AnotherRound]

Well that's insulting. What did I say 'freaked' me out?

 

I'm assuming that after 4 months, a letter & gift, and a phone conversation, that if anything open were on the table he would have mentioned that right away. I believe the likelihood of anything open being offered in this situation is remote. Circumstantial evidence, but generally, that's correct evidence. Again, its been 4 months. He sent a gift with a letter, and now there's been a call. Wouldn't YOU assume he would have said this was an option?

 

This post is about one specific case. I realize somewhere along the way your story was added, but it still is about one person's situation. I'm sticking with that scenario.

 

I wasn't insulting you - and after this I'm going to bow out because it seems that you are reacting to a few posts tonight and I don't need to go there with you.

 

I'm saying it is a possible scenario - that is all. I have no idea - just throwing ideas out there. If he has been out of contact, I'm hoping that he and his wife have been trying to sort out what they need to do - and yes, that is a possible solution perhaps for them - open marriage. There ARE people that do this and it's not that "uncommon" just bc it isn't the "norm".

 

I felt like you were reacting bc it wasn't a scenario that you were comfortable with and it seemed as if you might be taking it a bit personally - when I in no way intended to allude to you or your situation at all. Just brainstorming possible scenarios of what is going to be discussed in the future convo between OP and her exMM.

[bestplayer]

I don't recall ever feeling like this with my H. Our love almost feels like its always been stable. I understand what you're saying, and I have been trying hard to remember if it felt like this with my H at the beginning, because I feel like that would make it easier to confirm that eventually xMM would settle into exactly where I am now.

 

Although if he has no intention of leaving his W, then really I just need to decide if I am willing to go down the A path again, especially knowing how I feel about xMM.

 

And, guilt has been hitting harder at home. When the A first started, it gradually developed over time. Everything felt separate. Now that I've had time away and am contemplating what resuming would mean, it doesn't feel separate at all.

 

In fact (and sorry if this triggers some) for the first time, I really felt bad for his W too. I dreamt about her all night, and during a nap the following day. I think this is stemming from this potentially being a very deliberate situation. There's no "I didn't mean for this to happen."

 

Ok ,so your decison about your M depends on what MM wants to do , which is so inconsiderate towards your H . Forget your affair for some time , first leave your H , dont just stay with him because MM didn't chose you .

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by BrokenPrincess

 

His for contacting me again could be selfishness, naïveté, arrogance, denial, or maybe even cowardice to end his M. I don't know, but I do know that I still care for him. It's just like you could ask the BS, how could still love someone so selfish to cheat on you?

 

So care for him and love him from afar. He isn't yours, he never was. You both are married, had an A. The A ended and really, can you see yourself being married and growing old with him? Sharing a life with him? Starting over and giving up all that you have now? Not just talking about your husband but the whole package deal that you have. I take it most of the time life is pretty good, your marriage on some level, your family, inlaws, etc..etc.. IF you think MM is worth giving up all that you have without trying your absolute best to save your marriage and really reconnect with your husband, then divorce. Just do it and let the chips fall where they may. Meaning, you'll be OK alone, even if MM decides to stay married, you're better off alone, without your husband and the life you share with him.

 

Bolded part. Difference is, they have a long history and family entwined. You can't compare an affair vs a long marriage and the history, the glue that holds it together. The glue between AP's is based on feelings and fun times, sharing intimacy in an affair setting.. That is probably why many choose to stay married because it just isn't enough glue to the AP to give up all that the person knows and is used to.. That is, UNLESS they truly are in love and want to start life over with someone else. it's rare, yet obviously it happens.

The glue between husband and wife involves more than intimacy, bedroom activities..it's constant growing, bonding and living life together. Throw in the history etc..etc..., It's apples and oranges. A BS or a WS can choose to fight for their marriage after D-day because of the glue that holds them together, they think it's worth it. Many times one or the other in A, after a Dday, get thrown under the bus and the whole A is minimized.

 

Broken, really think about what it is you want. I say distance yourself from exMM and go on with your life. He doesn't seem to want to give up all that he has to start a new life with you. He hasn't shown up at your doorstep, with divorce papers in hand. He just wants to restart the A. And I really hope you choose to ignore him and shut the door forever, focus on your husband.

[Got it]

So care for him and love him from afar. He isn't yours, he never was. You both are married, had an A. The A ended and really, can you see yourself being married and growing old with him? Sharing a life with him? Starting over and giving up all that you have now? Not just talking about your husband but the whole package deal that you have. I take it most of the time life is pretty good, your marriage on some level, your family, inlaws, etc..etc.. IF you think MM is worth giving up all that you have without trying your absolute best to save your marriage and really reconnect with your husband, then divorce. Just do it and let the chips fall where they may. Meaning, you'll be OK alone, even if MM decides to stay married, you're better off alone, without your husband and the life you share with him.

 

Bolded part. Difference is, they have a long history and family entwined. You can't compare an affair vs a long marriage and the history, the glue that holds it together. The glue between AP's is based on feelings and fun times, sharing intimacy in an affair setting.. That is probably why many choose to stay married because it just isn't enough glue to the AP to give up all that the person knows and is used to.. That is, UNLESS they truly are in love and want to start life over with someone else. it's rare, yet obviously it happens.

The glue between husband and wife involves more than intimacy, bedroom activities..it's constant growing, bonding and living life together. Throw in the history etc..etc..., It's apples and oranges. A BS or a WS can choose to fight for their marriage after D-day because of the glue that holds them together, they think it's worth it. Many times one or the other in A, after a Dday, get thrown under the bus and the whole A is minimized.

 

Broken, really think about what it is you want. I say distance yourself from exMM and go on with your life. He doesn't seem to want to give up all that he has to start a new life with you. He hasn't shown up at your doorstep, with divorce papers in hand. He just wants to restart the A. And I really hope you choose to ignore him and shut the door forever, focus on your husband.

 

And this is why you shouldn't divorce for someone else.With the AP, not with the AP, the marriage should stand on its own merits. If you have zero energy to invest in it, divorce. Many people will peter out and cannot continue to reinvest. But if you have not done that, if you can't walk away feeling like you put in everything you could, that maybe there was a way to try one more thing, then stay and reinvest in the marriage.

 

I think then the basic question is, are you done with your marriage?

[cocorico]

Broken, do you feel you are in a position to make a decision without further input from your IC?