Should i tell him?

[Whatitistoburn]

I was doing some cleaning up and organizing when I found some notes from when my H was young. It contained really private thoughts, feelings and experiences - alcohol, drugs, clubbing, sex - everything far more than I could imagine and to be honest, i have never done any of those! i know I shouldn't have but I did read them and now, the guilt is killing me. I felt sad knowing about the lowest points in his life & amazed how he went through all of that and came out this perfect man I am married to now. Although it hurt that I did not know this (knowing him being a very private person, I accepted how he didnt feel the need to tell me & I understand that he probably felt that these are all in the past and has got nothing to do with our relationship), knowing his past or at least 10% of it (i had to stop, did not read everythng because of guilt), I love him & care for him even more. Honestly, i was somewhat happy I knew these things now because they made me realize how beautiful a man/person my H is & in spite of everything, I love him truly. My only wish was I was there with him but that would change everything and thatd probably mean we wont be together now

 

So should i tell him? I am very very scared right now. I know how he values privacy and he might get angry at me and I dont know what he will say or do but it wont be good. Were very happy right now and i dont want to ruin things for us but I am so bad at lying or hiding things or dealing with guilt. I am so guilty, I am crying right now and I am getting really paranoid to the point of thinking he might be reading this, hiding hidden cameras in the house or checking our internet traffic/logs:( oh god! i am so sorry

Edited March 13, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[stevie_23]

I would do either of the following if I were you…

 

• Not tell him and just try to reconcile what you now know with the man you have known and loved for all this time, and respect his privacy and his distance from a time long ago that he has no doubt totally moved on from, or
  
• Mention you were cleaning / tidying up and saw some notes and looked at them to see what they were / if you could throw them away / file them / if they were bills or official documents that needed to be kept, etc, and you couldn’t help but notice a bit of what was said. I wouldn’t say I’d read them in any detail, but just…a bit. And see what he says. Try to make sure he knows you weren’t snooping in his business and also try to make sure he knows you hold no judgment at all for him for anything he’s done in the past.
  

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

 

• Not tell him and just try to reconcile what you now know with the man you have known and loved for all this time, and respect his privacy and his distance from a time long ago that he has no doubt totally moved on from, or
  
• Mention you were cleaning / tidying up and saw some notes and looked at them to see what they were / if you could throw them away / file them / if they were bills or official documents that needed to be kept, etc, and you couldn’t help but notice a bit of what was said. I wouldn’t say I’d read them in any detail, but just…a bit. And see what he says. Try to make sure he knows you weren’t snooping in his business and also try to make sure he knows you hold no judgment at all for him for anything he’s done in the past.
  

The difference between 1 and 2 is that 2 is the truth . I'd tell him exactly what occurred, he deserves to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whatitistoburn]

Thank you Stevie & Mr Lucky for the advice. I was going to say something the other day but stopped myself because he did notice I cleaned up and moved some stuff to make room for his other stuff. He brought it up and didnt like It. Said that its the only room in the house thats HIS so I shouldve just left it alone. I explained I only wanted things to be easier for him, more convenient.I apologized and he said its okay but it was obvious that it frustrated him. I have to summon enough courage and find the right time to say it but right now, im kind of freaked out.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[TigerCub]

The way you're writing this post makes it seem like you're scared of your husband. What's the worst thing that can happen if you told him?

It seems like you're afraid of him and that's really not healthy at all!

 

If someone went through my stuff, yeah I would be upset and annoyed but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

 

Also, I get the impression that you are upset he did these "wild" things and you didn't - I could be wrong, but I think that's part of what's eating at you. You did say that you didn't do any of these things before and then in another part you said that you wished you could have been with him while he was doing it. I know you're gonna say that it's because it was a "dark" time and all that - but I think deep down a part of you is upset that he got to live it up and you didn't.

 

Am I completely off?

 

Either way - I don't think you should be afraid of your husband (in a healthy relationship).

[Whatitistoburn]

The way you're writing this post makes it seem like you're scared of your husband. What's the worst thing that can happen if you told him?

It seems like you're afraid of him and that's really not healthy at all

 

Also, I get the impression that you are upset he did these "wild" things and you didn't - I could be wrong, but I think that's part of what's eating at you. You did say that you didn't do any of these things before and then in another part you said that you wished you could have been with him while he was doing it. I know you're gonna say that it's because it was a "dark" time and all that - but I think deep down a part of you is upset that he got to live it up and you didn't.

 

Am I completely off?

 

Either way - I don't think you should be afraid of your husband (in a healthy relationship).

 

Hi tigercub, thanks for the input and for clarifying. No, I am not really scared of my H in an unhealthy way. But yes, i am scared how he will take this if he will find out. I am afraid that i will hurt his feelings and lose his trust and that this stupidity of mine will ruin US. As you may recall from my previous post, we had this whole alcohol issue and it had been resolved. We talked and it didnt have to be intense. It was more of a casual talk and he hasnt been drinking that much since. Hell have a glass or two a night now. He also has limited his smoking. This made me very happy. I asked him if i am the reason why he had to drink a lot, if it is because he is unhappy or unsatisfied with out situation at home and he said it is purely because of stress from work. And now i understand.

 

No, i am not upset that he did those things But I did not. I was young when i married him. He was and is my first and only love. I know he will be my first and my last. i have no regrets. At the same time, i knew that he has been through a lot of things, I just didnt know the details and the intensity/extremity. I have very high regards for him and i love him so much. Fnding out these things did not change that. Instead, it made me understand him more and love him more. because of my religious background and the fact that i was brought up in a very conservative family, these wouldve shocked me and killed me but no, it made me appreciate him more and when i said i wish i was there, i meant i wish i knew him then and NOT do those things with him (i knowi couldnt and i prefer not to) BUT was with him during those dark times maybe as a friend because i believe he needed a real friend back then who doesnt want anything from him but was just there to offer her friendship.

 

Maybe I made it seem so extreme because somehow for me, it was but that is because of my background as ive explained. Sex (one night stand, 3/4some), drugs, and alcohol may not at all be uncommon to young people who are exploring, trying to connect with other people, to find love and in the process to find themselves and going through heartbreak, joblessness etc. it was just that i did not go through all of that and i chose not to so maybe that made my post sound like it was baaad what he went through. I have been depressed and all but i coped by myself and with some help from my family.

 

And part of the reason why it broke my heart knowing what he went through was the way he wrote the details. It was very emotional, poetic and romantic and although i made it sound sad and depressing and even called it "the lowest point of his life" he did enjoy his journey which i guess made things different. it also actually changed my view about people who do those things and made me realize i might have been a little too judgmental in the past which probably made him not freely go into the details of his past.

Edited March 14, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[TigerCub]

Hi tigercub, thanks for the input and for clarifying. No, I am not really scared of my H in an unhealthy way. But yes, i am scared how he will take this if he will find out. I am afraid that i will hurt his feelings and lose his trust and that this stupidity of mine will ruin US. As you may recall from my previous post, we had this whole alcohol issue and it had been resolved. We talked and it didnt have to be intense. It was more of a casual talk and he hasnt been drinking that much since. Hell have a glass or two a night now. He also has limited his smoking. This made me very happy. I asked him if i am the reason why he had to drink a lot, if it is because he is unhappy or unsatisfied with out situation at home and he said it is purely because of stress from work. And now i understand.

 

No, i am not upset that he did those things But I did not. I was young when i married him. He was and is my first and only love. I know he will be my first and my last. i have no regrets. At the same time, i knew that he has been through a lot of things, I just didnt know the details and the intensity/extremity. I have very high regards for him and i love him so much. Fnding out these things did not change that. Instead, it made me understand him more and love him more. because of my religious background and the fact that i was brought up in a very conservative family, these wouldve shocked me and killed me but no, it made me appreciate him more and when i said i wish i was there, i meant i wish i knew him then and NOT do those things with him (i knowi couldnt and i prefer not to) BUT was with him during those dark times maybe as a friend because i believe he needed a real friend back then who doesnt want anything from him but was just there to offer her friendship.

 

Maybe I made it seem so extreme because somehow for me, it was but that is because of my background as ive explained. Sex (one night stand, 3/4some), drugs, and alcohol may not at all be uncommon to young people who are exploring, trying to connect with other people, to find love and in the process to find themselves and going through heartbreak, joblessness etc. it was just that i did not go through all of that and i chose not to so maybe that made my post sound like it was baaad what he went through. I have been depressed and all but i coped by myself and with some help from my family.

 

And part of the reason why it broke my heart knowing what he went through was the way he wrote the details. It was very emotional, poetic and romantic and although i made it sound sad and depressing and even called it "the lowest point of his life" he did enjoy his journey which i guess made things different. it also actually changed my view about people who do those things and made me realize i might have been a little too judgmental in the past which probably made him not freely go into the details of his past.

 

Hi

 

Thanks for that detailed reply. I understand where you're coming from more now.

 

I think it seems like you 2 have been through a lot of hurdles and you're now finally at a better place.

Since reading those notes only makes you appreciate him more, I'd suggest that you don't bring it up if there is a chance that it will set you guys back.

 

If the notes you read were causing resentment and hostility - then it will come out anyways - but that's NOT the case here, you actually seem to understand him better, appreciate his journey more and if it were me, I'd just leave it at that - but promise myself NOT to read such things again or put myself in that position again.

 

just IMO for what it's worth

 

Good luck

 

Oh and take care! I'm glad you're dealing with your depression, but please be sure to take care of yourself.

[stevie_23]

If he knows already that you were cleaning and moving stuff in his area and didn't like it and got stressed or annoyed about it, and you didn't mention it then? I wouldn't mention it. Unless the subject comes up again (if he brings it up, I mean).

 

And I agree with Quiet Storm in terms of not delving further into this if it might set you two back in your relationship.

[Whatitistoburn]

Hey guys! Sorry been so busy wasnt able to update this. So I ended up telling him. He was disappointed but appreciated the honesty. I was disappointed at myself but glad it's all out now and I won't have to deal with the guilt phew!

 

Thanks so much for all the help. This site has really been a great help to me and my marriage. I have a few questions though

 

1. Is it possible for someone to forget about lets say, sleeping with a close friend if it happened 15 or so years ago?

 

2. Ever since I read the notes, I have been so attracted to my husband and it feels like our honeymoon phase all over again. I love it! I love the feeling and this question is no biggie but IS IT NORMAL?

 

Thanks again Xx

[Mr. Lucky]

1. Is it possible for someone to forget about lets say, sleeping with a close friend if it happened 15 or so years ago?

Do you mean forget as in "forgive and move on" or as in "not able to recall" ? Big difference between the two...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whatitistoburn]

Hi,

 

I meant "not able to recall".

 

Thanks

[TigerCub]

Hi,

 

I meant "not able to recall".

 

Thanks

 

No. - Not with a close friends.

I mean even if someone did some MAJOR whoring around - they may forget names and stuff, but not forger actually sleeping with someone (especially not a friend).

 

Is he telling you that he can't remember sleeping with a close friend of his (that you read about in those letters)?

[Whatitistoburn]

Hi there,

 

Yes. They used to be housemates. He confirmed that but insisted nothing happened with her. He wrote about it though. He wrote about how she liked him and she was always there and always seemed to pursue him, seduce him and then one day, it happened but that was it. The next day was like nothing happened. maybe because he did not really have feelings for her. He eventually moved out to be with someone else because she was still into him and was acting jealous all the time. That was what he wrote. I did not tell him i read this bit. I did not want to confront him. I know its not a big deal. Theyre friends on facebook but shes now married (to one of their friends) with kids and they dont really PM or talk a lot on their walls. Just the normal, remember this show we used to watch or music we used to listen to blah blah.

 

Actually, it was her letter to him that i saw first and that led me to read the notes. The letter seemed like they were a couple. I knew her name so It took me by surprise. Thats how i got curious and read on.

 

I am not jealous. I am just curious. Because like what you said, me personally, I wouldnt forget about something like this because it involved a friend or someone close to me. But he seemed to have forgotten or probably just chose not to remember or tell. X

Edited March 22, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[TigerCub]

Hi there,

 

Yes. They used to be housemates. He confirmed that but insisted nothing happened with her. He wrote about it though. He wrote about how she liked him and she was always there and always seemed to pursue him, seduce him and then one day, it happened but that was it. The next day was like nothing happened. maybe because he did not really have feelings for her. He eventually moved out to be with someone else because she was still into him and was acting jealous all the time. That was what he wrote. I did not tell him i read this bit. I did not want to confront him. I know its not a big deal. Theyre friends on facebook but shes now married (to one of their friends) with kids and they dont really PM or talk a lot on their walls. Just the normal, remember this show we used to watch or music we used to listen to blah blah.

 

Actually, it was her letter to him that i saw first and that led me to read the notes. The letter seemed like they were a couple. I knew her name so It took me by surprise. Thats how i got curious and read on.

 

I am not jealous. I am just curious. Because like what you used, me personally, I wouldnt forget about something like this because it involved a friend or someone close to me. But he seemed to have forgotten or probably just chose not to remember or tell. X

 

The act itself isn't a big deal (because it is in the past and you weren't together then)

BUT lying about it is a big deal because that shows that he's willing to lie to you.

 

The I didn't want to confront him again gives me the feeling that you are afraid of him or afraid of upsetting him and I'm sorry I just can't shake the feeling that that is true. Why are you so afraid to voice your concerns with him?

[Whatitistoburn]

I did not want to confront him about this because it was a sensitive issue and It was a mistake that i made. When we talked about it and about me reading it, he said he would prefer sitting with me while we read (together) some parts of it because he said it can easily be misconstrued and misjudged. We both know i have a strong opinion on things. but Were past that now. I dont want to rehash things thats all. I can be aggresive about other things or things i believe in (i fight for them) but when it comes to my husband, its different.

 

The last time i confronted him about something it ended really badly. It became a big argument and it was very stressful for us esp for me. Im weak when it comes to him. When i get stressed i shut down. So i have to battle with myself if this is worth all of that. If this is worth it when its in the past already. I have thought about it more and i think he did not forget but he chose not to remember or acknowledge that it happened. He mentioned that what was written there are very private and no one else knew about. Obviously, he doesnt want me to know them either or that hes not ready to tell me but he did make it sound that he will never be ready to tell me everything. Because it is all his to keep. It was his life, not mine.

Edited March 22, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[Harlequin_Dog]

I did not want to confront him about this because it was a sensitive issue, you know, me reading his personal stuff. It was a mistake that i made. When we talked about it and about me reading it, he said he would prefer sitting with me while we read (together) some parts of it because he said it can easily be misconstrued and misjudged. We both know i have a strong opinion on things. but Were past that now. I dont want to rehash things thats all. To be honest though, im submissive and it doesnt help that im years younger than him and this is my first real relationship. My Being submissive Is a cultural thing.

 

I can be aggresive about other things or things i believe in (i fight for them) but when it comes to my husband, its different.

 

I would read the letters with him then! From what I've read- all these notes only give you more love and appreciation for him. Why not sit down and read them together? He can explain and tell you about his past, and you can tell him how you appreciate his struggles.

 

Also, you never know what things get portrayed incorrectly. A love/hook-up letter may be something entirely different than what it seems. Maybe he can shed light on it.

 

I'd just try to keep it light and show him how much you love him doing this with you. It could potentially be a great trust building thing too.

[Whatitistoburn]

I would read the letters with him then! From what I've read- all these notes only give you more love and appreciation for him. Why not sit down and read them together? He can explain and tell you about his past, and you can tell him how you appreciate his struggles.

 

Also, you never know what things get portrayed incorrectly. A love/hook-up letter may be something entirely different than what it seems. Maybe he can shed light on it.

 

I'd just try to keep it light and show him how much you love him doing this with you. It could potentially be a great trust building thing too.

 

Hi harlequin! Id love to do that but maybe one day when hes ready, if he will ever be ready. its okay. i dont feel i need to know more but of course would love to know more but I have this feeling that he is either not ready or not comfortable doing that. When i confessed, we did sit and he read a couple of pages (he picked the pages) to me but that was it. He said that was all he could share. That offer i think was nothing but a statement to prove hes got nothing to hide but truth is he is not ready to share his past with me. He said it was private and no one knew about it all and i think he wants to keep it that way. X