Out/in? abusive bf

[Steena]

Ok hear we go...I am 24 and have a 4 yr old son. My boyfriend and I live together, since March I have learned that he is abusive in every way fit. Holes in the wall, tackle me down, yell (in front of my son), grab my son by the arm abusive. Now no matter what I did, are all these things not acceptable? He smokes pot, is constantly sick, does not take care of himself, has no self esteem and constantly says whose the best?, who's #1. Pot is really ruining our relationship. He is so particular and a perfectionist (he thinks) He demands so much respect, truth, and forgiveness at the same time, he shows his frusteration quite often with regards to my son, my brother who I took in and everything else that makes HIM unhappy.

 

 

 

Now on the other hand. We have just started a business together, we work well together, he moved 7 hours from home to be with me in March, we met in Aug. He's a sweetheart. He cares for me and my son, I can see it and hear it. He is a genius. He makes so many promises and says he willl live up to them.

 

 

He lied to me about smoking pot Sunday night and yelled and screamed at me about wrongfully accusing him of such a thing. >>>email from him mom ..."Yeah, we had another "session" in the back yard Sunday night. I know those "sessions" really helped my back to relax. Brandon is so funny. He would make a great stand-up comedian." Well darn well he should be, cause he doesn't make for a very good liar now does he.

 

 

I'm realizing more and more that I should leave him, I'm too good for him and deserve a better life for my son and I, although I'm not quite sure how to start and or even if I should. Help! Need input

[IcedTiger]

Sounds like he's a good man. You know, smoking a joint once a while isn't that bad at all. And do not relate to abusive behaviour to smoking pot. Most "pot-heads" aren't abusive, they intend to just kick back and relax. They don't get angry, unless they don't have it for a while, they might get anxious. He seems to be good to you and your son, doing business with you and that's a good news. Just simply let him know that when he tackles you down, be more gentle because he hurts you little bit. Talk to him nicely instead of getting mad at him or yelling at him. He'll feel bad and will be treating you better. Your situation is weak to other abusive cases. Don't worry too much. Wish you the best luck.

 

-Shawn

[shamen]

If he is tackling you, punching holes in the wall and grabbing you by the arm, it is abuse. No doubt. That needs to stop, or you should leave. Please do a search on line for abuse. These things will come up. I'll see if I can find a link later.

 

The smoking pot thing is a separate issue. One that maybe can be addressed by discussing it with him. Hopefully he is willing to listen to you. It seems like some things are going right, but whenever drugs/alcohol are involved, sometimes it can screw things up. There is a big difference between a casual pot smoker and someone who smokes every day.

[Trager]

well first thing to say. Think of ur child. Where u in an abusive home? Do u know what it does to the kid? weather or not he is abused? I think if u met people who had beed in ur sons place u'd be suprised. It will effect him forever. On top of that, no one deserves to be abused. Not even emotionaly, or with words. No one. The fact that he has low self esteeme makes it worse. Back out before its to late, if, and only IF he changes, and you will know it, do u go back. Being in love does not mean u should let him hurt u. And well, if my man didnt respect the fact i said no smoking pot, or at least didnt stop to his best abilities (not saying everyone should) but if i asked and he didnt i would wownder if i materd more than the drug, the answer would be know, as my bf says i am his drug of choice. better than a real drug, because ANYTHING is addicting, woultnt u rather a guy who had u as the drug?

[moimeme]

Sounds like he's a good man.

 

There is nothing good about a man that 'tackles' a woman 'down'.

 

NOTHING

 

He makes so many promises and says he willl live up to them.

 

Peachy.

 

Your situation is weak to other abusive cases.

 

They all get worse.

 

Talk to your local domestic violence help line. They'll give you some ideas.

[Guest2]

Hey sweety, sounds like what I am going through- sort of. I have no son, nor a business with my live in bf, and I don't have a problem with the pot smoking (I really dont think thats the issue at hand). All that aside though we are dealing with a man who tells us he loves us one minute, then slams us on the ground when his temper flares in. My bf blames it on his dad doing this to his mom (though they were divorced, and he grew up with 2 amazing families as opposed to the one ****ty original). I'm not worried about laying blame I am worried about the next step. I am worried if it is me leaving or me getting hurt. As a single woman I thought I had myself in a predicament- I have been best friends with this guy for 3 years before evolving quickly into what we are now - but you have a child to. I guess I am just concerned with you not only protecting yourself but your son (from the violence, and from continuing the violence like my bf is). You know in your heart what the right thing to do is, and I am not saying either here nor there, but you know your relationship and you know if it's already started to escalate. Keepin my fingers crossed for ya hun. Hope it all works out for the best. Keep smiling

[Tru-Wild]

You've taken the first step hurray! Expressing your problems and getting input always helps. If you ask me, just talk to him 100% honestly and straight on. If he dosn't change, then leave, its his loss and you & son's gain. Don't be scared to leave, if its really that bad, you truly deserve better! Good luck and best wishes;)

[neek]

I hate to hear this is happening to you! In my opinion, I think you should start packing your bags. I know it's hard to leave someone you care about and have invested parts of your life with (home, business, etc.) but darling, YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE BEATEN TO THE GROUND!!! EVER!!! BY ANYONE!!! Even if he wasn't physically abusing you, emotional and verbal abuse would be enough to end the relationship too! I know you say he cares for you and your son, but I cannot see how someone would physically hurt someone they care about! Learn to control yourself! He sounds so selfish to me, treating you and your son like this and then demanding respect for it. What the #*@&!! Honey, please please please realize that you and your son deserve a better life than this! Please especially think of your son!! If anyone ever laid a hand on my child with the intent of hurting them, they'd be out the door in a fraction of a second! No matter how much I still thought the guy might be decent, he'd be gone. THat is totally unacceptable.

 

Ask yourself these questions. What do you think your son thinks when he sees your bf tackle to you the ground? Maybe "why is he hurting mommy?" "why is mommy letting him hurt her?" He's going to start thinking that YOU think it is acceptable for him to do this to you....and worse, that you think it is acceptable for your bf to hurt HIM! "Why is mommy letting him hurt me?" These things affect children in so many ways, and you probably don't see a lot of it. Children are SMART, he knows this is wrong and is probably very sad about it. Observe him around your bf during "normal" times when no one's getting hurt. Does he warm up to him? Or does he seem to be afraid of him? If so, do you want your child living in fear of this man?

 

I really think you could be so much happier in a relationship where this abuse didn't exist. Abuse can come in many forms, and just because other people's situations might be worse doesn't mean you (or other people that post here) should trivialize yours. "Your situation is weak to other abuse cases." SO WHAT IF IT IS! It should not be condoned!!

 

I also think so what if he moved away to start a business with you! He's not treating you two properly. Just because he moved for you doesn't mean you owe him anything. REALLY HONESTLY assess what is more important...sparing his feelings, or sparing your sons and giving the happy upbringing that he deserves? Your son should come first, he is your responsibility and if he is in harms way with this guy, I think you should get him out. (And yourself!) You both deserve better.

 

Maybe it's possible to still keep your business with him even if you were to separate. But at the same time, total contact cutoff might be better.

 

Good luck to you and your son! I hope everything works out for you!

[Bekkie]

Roller coaster ride, here we come!

Been there, done that. It never gets any better. Liars and cheats and abusive men (partners), NEVER CHANGE.

 

Part of the problem is you (man I wish someone had told me that 10 years ago) - you are allowing this sick *!!!**? to set the stage for worse things to come, and having a business together gives him power over you financially.

for your sons safty and your sanity .... run girl, RUN!

 

Smoking pot in itself is not the problem, but it does contribute to it in the long run. He sounds like a compulsive obsesive control freak.

[SuperFantastico]

he is abusive in every way fit. Holes in the wall, tackle me down, yell (in front of my son), grab my son by the arm abusive. Now no matter what I did, are all these things not acceptable? He smokes pot, is constantly sick, does not take care of himself, has no self esteem and constantly says whose the best?, who's #1. Pot is really ruining our relationship. He is so particular and a perfectionist (he thinks) He demands so much respect, truth, and forgiveness at the same time, he shows his frusteration quite often with regards to my son, my brother who I took in and everything else that makes HIM unhappy.

 

He's a sweetheart. He cares for me and my son

 

What the HOLY **** are you talking about?!!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!

 

I think you have been smoking some of the good stuff too.

 

**** the buisness get out. I mean my god!?????????????????????!!!

 

Thats like saying he is a pacifist because he is a warlord.