Want to open lines of communication after 1 yr of NC....

[soulara74]

Hi Everyone,

 

Lately, I find been wondering whether or not it's a good idea to contact my ex? It's been a year of NC (I requested that he never call me again) and I realize that I have not gotten over him. Yes. I have tried to move on by dating --but I cannot seem to get him out of my system. We had a great relationship--the communication was definitely there--He was my best friend for 3 years--knows more about me than some of my female friends. So...you are probably asking --if things were so good-then why the break up?

 

Well...it got to a point where we were not sure whether or not we wanted to take the relationship to a more serious level--living together, we were talking about marriage etc...but something just did not feel right. I think we both wanted to explore other options and so...it was somewhat of a mutual arrangement--except that I could not handle the fact that he was already beginning to date. When I asked him about the dating factor--he responded so sheepishly. I mean--we were together for 3 years--Why now don't you want to talk to me about dating other women. We communicated so well throught out--what's the difference. So...in order for me to not deal with the hurt--i asked him not to call me anymore. To this date he has respected my wishes.

 

Right now...I am missing my friend! I want us to atleast be friends again. So...a couple of things are going on---2 days from today will be his 30th birthday and I really want to open up the lines of communication. I want to send him an email wishing him a happy birthday. (A very generic one) however, I don't want to send mixed messages. I have accepted the reality that there is a possibility that he has moved on to another relationship--which is fine! He deserves nothing but the best and deserves to be happy. That's coming from my heart! That man will always have a piece of my heart no matter what. So...my dilemma is : Should I send this man an email for his b-day--just implying that the friendship is still there--I am not expecting anything else OR should I just leave it alone and hope that one day our paths will cross again.

 

I am soooo confused. Please help!!!

[lost_in_chgo]

If I were him, (and I am, in a sense,) I would be very pleased to get that call.

 

So first things first. Does "at least be friends again" mean you want to be friends or more than friends?

 

If it means more,

Do not go into this telling him that you just want to be friends. Better to say nothing about your intentions than to say that.

 

"somewhat of a mutual arrangement" !!!

You dumped him or he dumped you?

Who's idea was it?

 

If it was yours, you should be honest with him about your feelings. Trying to control him or condescend to him about taking him back would be a huge mistake.

 

If it was his, you should probably be satisified with friends at the start and leave more than that up to him.

 

If you are just looking to be friends, find another friend. That just isn't realistic most of the time.

[soulara74]

Thank you soooo much for your advice. After thinking about it last night and reading your response. I have decided to leave it alone. I think that I need to do a bit more soul searching and my reason for contacting him is only out of loneliness. Which I realize is not healthy. One should never enter into a relationship out of loneliness. So...I am going to take the healthy approach and leave him alone.

 

Just to clarify: "mutual arrangement" Let's just say that we both were feeling shaky about the relationship and I was willing to let him go. Afterall, I want him to be happy and I was willing to give him up. When I gave him the option to leave the relationship on good terms--he advised that he was afraid of losing me and that he was confused. I told him---at that time--that he needed to do what was best for him. Well...he made it very clear that he wanted to stay in the relationship and that he loved me and wanted us to take things to the next level. However, how can you do that when you are entertaining dates outside of the relationship in a matter of 2 days after you just professed your love for me etc....

 

So...I clearly realized that although he may have wanted to stay in the relationship--he also wanted to do his own thing and I was not going to have that--not after 3 years. So...out of hurt and anger--I asked him nicely to never contact me again. To this date--he has respected my wishes. So...that's the story. Perhaps I should not have stated "mutual arrangement"--I ended the relationship.

[Papillon]

Nice handwritten letters are great.

 

If you plan to email or send a phone message, forget it.

[lost_in_chgo]

One should never enter into a relationship out of loneliness.

 

Lol, at some level, everyone enters a relationship out of loneliness or the desire to avoid it. That's what loneliness is for.

 

As far as this mutual arrangement stuff, certainly there was more to this. But if you were approached by your partner who said "I'm giving you the option to leave our relationship", wouldn't you hear that as "I'm dumping you and trying to make it your idea" or "I know you want someone else so just get out"

 

he made it very clear that he wanted to stay in the relationship

There you have it.

 

 

However, how can you do that when you are entertaining dates outside of the relationship in a matter of 2 days after you just professed your love for me

You dumped him. He had another option and was hurt so he flipped out and took the first alternative. Doesn't mean anything at all.

 

he also wanted to do his own thing and I was not going to have that

Sounds controlling, but think about what you are saying. You dump him and he dates again after a couple days and that means that he intent to cheat. If he waited a week would that have been any different? a month?

 

Newsflash, everyone has ideas about other people. He probably had ocassional ideas about other women the entire three years and didn't act on them because he was with you. The first time you realized it, you kicked him out?

 

It sounds to me like you let your pride get the best of you, or you were just looking for a reason to end things and have since reconsidered.

 

Did he cheat on you?

 

One last point that I think needs mentioning here is this:

When you are in a relationship with someone who is never tempted and never has any opportunity to cheat on you, you never *really* know if they won't run the first chance they get.

 

When they do get the chance and they decline (yes some guys do that), then you know that they've made a choice to stay. If your guy tells you about another woman that is interested in him, it's because he trusts you and is letting you know that he has made a choice. It's when you never hear anything or you hear about her all the time that you have to worry.

[soulara74]

WOW!!! Lost in Cgo! You broke me down in your reply! Thank you! I needed that! Honestly, I never looked at things that way and I have been trying to figure out why? when I was really overlooking the part I played in all of it. I think I was trying to protect my feelings and yes! you are right! I did let my pride get in the way! In hindsight, I would have handled things differently.

 

I appreciate your feedback. Shoot! If ever have any more dilemma's I am coming to you!

 

Thanks a million for the wonderful insight and have a fantastic day!

[dazed&confused28]

Well, I'm just going to say this:

 

My ex's b'day was yesterday, I sent email with just the basic HB

I got a 'Thank You' back, also another email 30 mins later with some info in it.

 

But it's a start!?!?!?

 

I'm still scared to reply back!

I haven't talked to him since our breakup, he dumped me, two months ago!

 

 

As for you! Do it out of politiness. That's what I did! Look at it this way, it's a place to start! If you don't get a response then, you know, at least you tried!!

 

But at least he would know you were thinking of him, after # of years of no contact! It will show you remembered his b'day!