how to tell?

[kimmi]

having a problem here, i met this man after ending a 12 year relationship, i took 2 years for myself so that when i do re-enter a relationship i would not have my past hurts hurt the other person, anyways, this man i met is way to good to be true, he is very attentive, he needs me for nothing for he has what he wants in life, he is out looking for his dream girl, when he told me what his dream girl is. my first thought was it's me.. we dated for 7 months and we talk all the time on the phone, he still calls me and i call him , there is still a relationship however he comes around only 2 or 3 times a month. really i do not know what to do, i found my dream guy without even wanting to find him. i am in love with him as we shared the same values in life apon all aspects of life. we both know that we are in love but i think that he is scared for he never gave himself the time to get over his hurts,how do i express that i am not the one that will hurt him? that would be the last thing in this world that i would want to do...

 

thank you

[Paulie]

First of all, you do NOT know that you won't hurt him. As much as you may feel you know him, there's probably sides to him that you haven't seen. Also, people change, big-time. So I just wanted to point out that it's unrealistic to suggest that you won't hurt him. At this time, you may feel that you are incapable of it, but you see my point.

 

Now, why is he not coming around more? Have you gently suggested that you'd like to see more of him? If so, what does he say? If he's still carrying baggage from previous relationships, then it's the responsible thing for him to avoid progressing the relationship any further than this point. If he's truly in love with you, and vice-versa, then you will realize that this IS WHERE HE IS at this point in time. You cannot make him more ready to commmit to a deeper relationship with you at this time.

 

Now, the only circumstance where I would suggest that maybe some sort of action was necessary on your part is if you're giving him signals still that maybe you still want to stay alone in order to heal from your 12-yr. relationship. He might be playing it cool, if he's really interested and in love with you, so that you can have your space and such. If this is the impression that he has, and that's not your genuine feelings at this time, then you need to communicate this to him.

 

Please supply some more details in regard to my comments, if you would. I would be very interested in hearing.

 

Paulie

[Tony T]

There's simply nothing that beats old time, old fashioned communication.

 

It sounds like you both have a great thing going here. And you are probably right...he may be very frightened. Love can be scary, particularly when it seems too right.

 

Schedule a weekend afternoon when you both have some time, without interuption, to discuss your feelings. Ask him what direction he would like things to go. Let him know how you feel, but also that it is not acceptable for things to continue in a state of uncertainty. Get into his head and see just where his thoughts are.

 

Once you do that, you should know exactly where you stand and what to do, one way or the other. If you come out of it now knowing where you stand, dump him.

 

If he won't sit and talk to you about the relationship, dump him then as well.

 

Living like you are, not knowing exactly what is going on, is not comfortable and not something you want to continue doing. I really do think a good, heart to heart talk is about the only thing that is going to help you get to the bottom of this and identify ways of improving things for both of you.

 

By the way, never tell him you will never hurt him. Almost every guy in the world has been hurt at least once by a lady who said she would never hurt him.

[kimmi]

First of all, you do NOT know that you won't hurt him. As much as you may feel you know him, there's probably sides to him that you haven't seen. Also, people change, big-time. So I just wanted to point out that it's unrealistic to suggest that you won't hurt him. At this time, you may feel that you are incapable of it, but you see my point. Now, why is he not coming around more? Have you gently suggested that you'd like to see more of him? If so, what does he say? If he's still carrying baggage from previous relationships, then it's the responsible thing for him to avoid progressing the relationship any further than this point. If he's truly in love with you, and vice-versa, then you will realize that this IS WHERE HE IS at this point in time. You cannot make him more ready to commmit to a deeper relationship with you at this time. Now, the only circumstance where I would suggest that maybe some sort of action was necessary on your part is if you're giving him signals still that maybe you still want to stay alone in order to heal from your 12-yr. relationship. He might be playing it cool, if he's really interested and in love with you, so that you can have your space and such. If this is the impression that he has, and that's not your genuine feelings at this time, then you need to communicate this to him. Please supply some more details in regard to my comments, if you would. I would be very interested in hearing. Paulie

yes i believe what you say is true to some degree, however he continues to **be mixed up** about what he wants, he does say that he loves me and that he does want a future together however his actions are alot differnt then the words, the communication is there between us, we have talked about why he does not come around that much, he says that he is busy. the point about me still getting over the past relationship, no that is why i stayed away from dating for 2 years, i did not want anyone else to feel what i was feeling. i am ready for a relationship. i am into this guy and most of the time he is into me also, he is alot different then any other guy that i have dated, i am just feeling confused , i do not know if this is normal.

 

please write more comments back as i enjoyed reading what you thought.

 

kim

[kimmi]

There's simply nothing that beats old time, old fashioned communication. It sounds like you both have a great thing going here. And you are probably right...he may be very frightened. Love can be scary, particularly when it seems too right. Schedule a weekend afternoon when you both have some time, without interuption, to discuss your feelings. Ask him what direction he would like things to go. Let him know how you feel, but also that it is not acceptable for things to continue in a state of uncertainty. Get into his head and see just where his thoughts are.

 

Once you do that, you should know exactly where you stand and what to do, one way or the other. If you come out of it now knowing where you stand, dump him. If he won't sit and talk to you about the relationship, dump him then as well. Living like you are, not knowing exactly what is going on, is not comfortable and not something you want to continue doing. I really do think a good, heart to heart talk is about the only thing that is going to help you get to the bottom of this and identify ways of improving things for both of you. By the way, never tell him you will never hurt him. Almost every guy in the world has been hurt at least once by a lady who said she would never hurt him.

i know that i should never say that i would never hurt him, however the hurt that i ment as well as the hurt that he was talking was one that i know that i could or ever would do to anyone in the world, it would be going against everything that i believe in. that would be the reason that i said that, we had a heart to heart talk, it ended up where i got into his head, he said that this is something that he has done since he and his ex broke up,( 3 years ago) he says that he always trys to breake it off with the one that he wants a relationship with, with me i am different he said that he says it but does not feel what he is saying. old habbit i guess.. i know that he is trying but sometimes it does scare him. thank you for re sponding to my question

 

kim

[Nic]

I'm not a mind reader (although wouldn't it be great!), but it's almost as though this guy has a pathological fear of getting hurt. understandable if it's happened before, because when something means that much to you, it's very easy to fear losing it, but not practical because he could be opening himself up to his fears more than he realises.

 

as tony said, communication really, without a doubt is the key here. talk some more, and then some more. he probably needs a lot of reassurance that everything is ok. just because someone is over a past relationship, doesn't mean they won't fear something going wrong again. and he needs to address this as often as he can by communicating with you.

 

you obviously mean a lot to each other and he knows he is in a happy place with you. but it is true, sometimes when one is happy, it's feels almost too good to be true. sometimes you're almost expecting something to go wrong just to prove this thought. but reassure him that what you two have is unlike any other relationships you have had before and history won't repeat itself. work on this together and in time he'll turn around oneday and think "i sure was being a dope".

 

he needs to know he has nothing to be afraid of with you and he does not have to feel afraid to open up to you. the only way he will realise that is through communication, understanding and lots and lots of it.

 

i hope it all works out in time. just be patient with each other.

 

i know that i should never say that i would never hurt him, however the hurt that i ment as well as the hurt that he was talking was one that i know that i could or ever would do to anyone in the world, it would be going against everything that i believe in. that would be the reason that i said that, we had a heart to heart talk, it ended up where i got into his head, he said that this is something that he has done since he and his ex broke up,( 3 years ago) he says that he always trys to breake it off with the one that he wants a relationship with, with me i am different he said that he says it but does not feel what he is saying. old habbit i guess.. i know that he is trying but sometimes it does scare him. thank you for re sponding to my question kim

[kimmi]

I'm not a mind reader (although wouldn't it be great!), but it's almost as though this guy has a pathological fear of getting hurt. understandable if it's happened before, because when something means that much to you, it's very easy to fear losing it, but not practical because he could be opening himself up to his fears more than he realises. as tony said, communication really, without a doubt is the key here. talk some more, and then some more. he probably needs a lot of reassurance that everything is ok. just because someone is over a past relationship, doesn't mean they won't fear something going wrong again. and he needs to address this as often as he can by communicating with you. you obviously mean a lot to each other and he knows he is in a happy place with you. but it is true, sometimes when one is happy, it's feels almost too good to be true. sometimes you're almost expecting something to go wrong just to prove this thought. but reassure him that what you two have is unlike any other relationships you have had before and history won't repeat itself. work on this together and in time he'll turn around oneday and think "i sure was being a dope".

 

he needs to know he has nothing to be afraid of with you and he does not have to feel afraid to open up to you. the only way he will realise that is through communication, understanding and lots and lots of it. i hope it all works out in time. just be patient with each other.

ok i will put an example of why i am confussed. this way you can see the bbig difference in the moods,

 

one day he calls me and asks me not to call anymore, i did what he said i did not call him, he wanted to be alone ok fine with me . i have alot to do anyways, so then he seen me walking down the street one day, he was trying to get my attention, he drives a bus for a living, i never know when and where i will see him , often this is shift work. anyways i just said hi and i carried on with my day. so everytime that he seen me he would try to get my attention, i would just hi every time.then he called me 3 days later asking me why do you not talk to me?i said well i am respecting your wishes and not calling you. we talked alittle bit then we hung the phone up.

 

the next week i seen him again, he was trying ot get my attention, i really paid no mind to him, i thought that he was playing games with me.

 

later that evening he called me saying that he wanted to talk to me, he was telling me that he wishes that i could have his baby!!! what is that? he ended up comming over for the night and we talked. he keeps on telling me that he loves me but he is scared to love me, ya he does think that it is to good because he sees the way that i am with my kids father , i was with him for 12 years, now him and i are the best of friends and we talk all the time.

 

respond to this one please!!! ( now that i have opened up the real problem)

 

kim

[Nic]

wow, this is one very confused guy. he also sounds very insecure, which could be partly why he plays these little attention games. he might think that's one way to see how you really feel about him. perhaps the notion of you chasing after him gives him confidence, so he aims for that by 'testing' you as such by saying not to call him etc.

 

or he could just be so unsure of himself that one minute he doesn't know if this is what he wants, then the next minute he does, etc etc. it's a big circle and things don't really seem to be getting anywhere in particular.

 

he really has some issues he needs to work out. him talking to you would be a start, but he has to decide if he really wants this to work with you two or not. he really needs to see a counsellor too, someone with experience with these kind of emotions and who knows how to handle them effectively, because they will not be dealt with overnight without some effort and professional guidance. if he wants this relationship to work, stick by him, because he really will need support. but if he doesn't know what he wants, sure it will be hurtful, but you will take some comfort in the fact that at least you know where you stand now and you're not a part of the confusion anymore. this relationship will never sustain itself if he doesn't face his fears and insecurities.

 

keep us posted on how things go and good luck to you

ok i will put an example of why i am confussed. this way you can see the bbig difference in the moods, one day he calls me and asks me not to call anymore, i did what he said i did not call him, he wanted to be alone ok fine with me . i have alot to do anyways, so then he seen me walking down the street one day, he was trying to get my attention, he drives a bus for a living, i never know when and where i will see him , often this is shift work. anyways i just said hi and i carried on with my day. so everytime that he seen me he would try to get my attention, i would just hi every time.then he called me 3 days later asking me why do you not talk to me?i said well i am respecting your wishes and not calling you. we talked alittle bit then we hung the phone up.

 

the next week i seen him again, he was trying ot get my attention, i really paid no mind to him, i thought that he was playing games with me. later that evening he called me saying that he wanted to talk to me, he was telling me that he wishes that i could have his baby!!! what is that? he ended up comming over for the night and we talked. he keeps on telling me that he loves me but he is scared to love me, ya he does think that it is to good because he sees the way that i am with my kids father , i was with him for 12 years, now him and i are the best of friends and we talk all the time. respond to this one please!!! ( now that i have opened up the real problem) kim

[kimmi]

wow, this is one very confused guy. he also sounds very insecure, which could be partly why he plays these little attention games. he might think that's one way to see how you really feel about him. perhaps the notion of you chasing after him gives him confidence, so he aims for that by 'testing' you as such by saying not to call him etc. or he could just be so unsure of himself that one minute he doesn't know if this is what he wants, then the next minute he does, etc etc. it's a big circle and things don't really seem to be getting anywhere in particular. he really has some issues he needs to work out. him talking to you would be a start, but he has to decide if he really wants this to work with you two or not. he really needs to see a counsellor too, someone with experience with these kind of emotions and who knows how to handle them effectively, because they will not be dealt with overnight without some effort and professional guidance. if he wants this relationship to work, stick by him, because he really will need support. but if he doesn't know what he wants, sure it will be hurtful, but you will take some comfort in the fact that at least you know where you stand now and you're not a part of the confusion anymore. this relationship will never sustain itself if he doesn't face his fears and insecurities. keep us posted on how things go and good luck to you

that is what i thought, i was not to sure though, i do not feel wrong in standing by him and my friends all say the same thing,( i was thiniking that they were just being nice) i do not plan on walking away from this unless i get emotionally hurt by the confussion. i will keep you posted on he events of this relationship,. oh ya by the way this site is really cool. it helped me settle my confussion on what to do.

 

thank you so much.

 

talk to you later.

 

kimmi

[Deejette]

Well, if he wants to be the father of one of your children, it is important that he sticks around and doesn't act so on-again, off-again. He has the romantic idea of fatherhood, but is he willing to be there for the kid and for you?

 

It doesn't sound like it from the way he is behaving. I know you are intrigued by his mysterious behavior, but he doesn't sound too stable with his mood changes. He wants you not to call him and then gets upset because you don't call? Those kinds of head-games do not lead me to think that he is someone you can pin your future hopes on.

that is what i thought, i was not to sure though, i do not feel wrong in standing by him and my friends all say the same thing,( i was thiniking that they were just being nice) i do not plan on walking away from this unless i get emotionally hurt by the confussion. i will keep you posted on he events of this relationship,. oh ya by the way this site is really cool. it helped me settle my confussion on what to do.

 

thank you so much. talk to you later. kimmi

[kimmi]

Well, if he wants to be the father of one of your children, it is important that he sticks around and doesn't act so on-again, off-again. He has the romantic idea of fatherhood, but is he willing to be there for the kid and for you?

 

It doesn't sound like it from the way he is behaving. I know you are intrigued by his mysterious behavior, but he doesn't sound too stable with his mood changes. He wants you not to call him and then gets upset because you don't call? Those kinds of head-games do not lead me to think that he is someone you can pin your future hopes on.

because it is close to my heart i do not know. i always want to think the best things about people , i know that it is a head game, that is why i do not call him that much anymore, i let him come to me when he needs/wants something. when i need/want something i will call him, i rtry to do things on my own though..

 

thank you