Is this the curse of marrying/desiring someone who is better than me?

[Lemon_tea]

I’m 36, my husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 17 years. When we first started dating, people around us always mentioned how lucky I was to be with him. Physically he’s a very attractive man and intellectually quite capable. I think our incompatibility must have been quite obvious, some of the comments thrown at me were often in the border of being offensive.

 

 

I was initially wary when he was pursuing me, but despite what others thought, I could see he was genuine, kind and quite humble. We had a wonderful 5 years. After that whereas my fire’s still going strong I felt his was dwindling. This was rekindled when we decided to have a baby. However that too was soon diminishing, he had a work affair before my 2nd child was born. He was remorseful, he didn’t want to break our marriage and family apart and has been trying to prove himself since then. I’m mending and that was 4 years ago.

 

i'm aware that he's putting our family first before his own needs through the efforts he made. But i feel he's treating me more like a sister or a close family member. Display of affection is often discouraged. Sex is nowhere near adequate. No kisses, no cuddles or physical affection from him unless requested. I grew tired and felt low so i stopped asking. All I wish for is for him to love me like he loved the other woman, or get back to where we once were. Sadly I feel this is the one thing he can’t do. He opened up to me after the affair and mentioned that perhaps we were too young when we got married and brought up the incompatibility issue.

 

 

 

I questioned him if he was happy living like us, in this kind of situation. He said it doesn’t bother him much. He doesn’t need or crave for “love" as much as I do. I told him i can't live like that, and so begins the confusing state of our marriage. He gave me a permission to look outside if it makes me happier, as long as i come back home to him and the kids. At some stage i was no longer sure if we're separated under one roof or still together.

 

 

 

I started to have serial emotional affairs with other men. It’s great for a temporary ego booster, to feel wanted and desired, and to fulfill my emotional thirst. But this too gets tiring. It always ended up the same, they wanted more than what I can offer. When I come home from a date, I’d look at my husband and think, none of those men compare to him. I often wondered what was i doing out with strangers while the people i loved most were all at home waiting for me. I wished it was us out there dining. And then guilt, shame & heartache.

 

 

 

I know I’m wrong in so many ways and feel so disgusted (for being weak, for potentially hurting others to fulfil my own need, for being selfish - if he can bear what he has to bear for this family's sake, why can't i? and many other reasons) But I’m so utterly lost and lonely, for me to be able to stay in this marriage like he does, i need to go outside to fill the void. I would feel good for a bit and then feel like crap when i turn around. Hard to explain..

 

 

 

Anyone in similar situation?

 

 

Is love between a man and a woman when we're at this age a little overrated ?

[TaserTag]

My husband and I have only been together about 8 years and we don't have children. But most of our friends are in their late 30s/early 40s and seem to be in a stage where they're reconnecting after having children (their children are a bit older and they're more comfortable getting a babysitter and going out and making time for their relationship). I think that relationships take more work at times (especially when you have children), but I don't think that your situation is normal or that you should be so neglected.

 

Why is it that your husband won't even make an effort to take you out on dates and try to connect and rekindle a spark?

 

Can you go to or have you already been to any couple's counseling?

 

I wanted to comment on people telling you how lucky you are and acting like your husband is too good for you.. those people were likely just jealous and they are full of it. Your husband is not better than you. He clearly makes plenty of mistakes. I hope that you don't let those people get into your head. You didn't deserve to be cheated on and your husband should make an effort to be with you instead of checking out & telling you to go out and find affection elsewhere... He isn't sacrificing for the good of the family. It seems like he has put you in a very bad place and now just pushes you away and ignores you.

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and will show you affection. Him wanting to keep the family with the appearance of togetherness and then pushing you away and telling you to date other men is not keeping the family together, and it's incredibly cruel...

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry for your pain.

I don't think you should be disgusted with yourself.

It's not like you're cheating - he gave you permission to go out and find what it is you need because all of a sudden he's not willing to give you those things.

 

He cheated on you and you took him back. I won't debate whether you should or you shouldn't have,

 

But at this point in the R, with his infidelity, with your "carte blanche" to do what you wanted outside the R - I think it is time to really look at this marriage and evaluate if THIS is really how you want to live for the rest of your life, if THIS is really the environment you want to raise your kids in.

 

I think parents should be loving and show affection and expressions of love in front of their kids (obviously with a limit ) or else they will grow up (some - not all) not really knowing how to express love and affection.

 

Also, you say that your husband is putting up with what he needs to for the sake of the marriage - I'm sorry but I actually doubt that, I think part of the reason that he's not forthcoming with his love for you and with his affection and part of the reason that he's willing to have you step out on the marriage is most likely because he's still getting his outside the marriage too. I'm sorry, but I really do think that's the case with him.

 

Sorry for your pain, that must be a sad way to live. I think you really need to look at if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

 

All I know is that I'd want to be with someone that loves me and shows it and leaves no doubt in my mind about where he stands.

[TigerCub]

I wanted to comment on people telling you how lucky you are and acting like your husband is too good for you.. those people were likely just jealous and they are full of it. Your husband is not better than you. He clearly makes plenty of mistakes. I hope that you don't let those people get into your head. You didn't deserve to be cheated on and your husband should make an effort to be with you instead of checking out & telling you to go out and find affection elsewhere... He isn't sacrificing for the good of the family. It seems like he has put you in a very bad place and now just pushes you away and ignores you.

 

Great points!

I wanted to touch on that topic and forgot, but Taser put it so well!

[Koekie]

I’m 36, my husband and I have been married for 13 years, together 17 years. When we first started dating, people around us always mentioned how lucky I was to be with him. Physically he’s a very attractive man and intellectually quite capable. I think our incompatibility must have been quite obvious, some of the comments thrown at me were often in the border of being offensive.

 

 

I was initially wary when he was pursuing me, but despite what others thought, I could see he was genuine, kind and quite humble. We had a wonderful 5 years. After that whereas my fire’s still going strong I felt his was dwindling. This was rekindled when we decided to have a baby. However that too was soon diminishing, he had a work affair before my 2nd child was born. He was remorseful, he didn’t want to break our marriage and family apart and has been trying to prove himself since then. I’m mending and that was 4 years ago.

 

i'm aware that he's putting our family first before his own needs through the efforts he made. But i feel he's treating me more like a sister or a close family member. Display of affection is often discouraged. Sex is nowhere near adequate. No kisses, no cuddles or physical affection from him unless requested. I grew tired and felt low so i stopped asking. All I wish for is for him to love me like he loved the other woman, or get back to where we once were. Sadly I feel this is the one thing he can’t do. He opened up to me after the affair and mentioned that perhaps we were too young when we got married and brought up the incompatibility issue.

 

 

 

I questioned him if he was happy living like us, in this kind of situation. He said it doesn’t bother him much. He doesn’t need or crave for “love" as much as I do. I told him i can't live like that, and so begins the confusing state of our marriage. He gave me a permission to look outside if it makes me happier, as long as i come back home to him and the kids. At some stage i was no longer sure if we're separated under one roof or still together.

 

 

 

I started to have serial emotional affairs with other men. It’s great for a temporary ego booster, to feel wanted and desired, and to fulfill my emotional thirst. But this too gets tiring. It always ended up the same, they wanted more than what I can offer. When I come home from a date, I’d look at my husband and think, none of those men compare to him. I often wondered what was i doing out with strangers while the people i loved most were all at home waiting for me. I wished it was us out there dining. And then guilt, shame & heartache.

 

 

 

I know I’m wrong in so many ways and feel so disgusted (for being weak, for potentially hurting others to fulfil my own need, for being selfish - if he can bear what he has to bear for this family's sake, why can't i? and many other reasons) But I’m so utterly lost and lonely, for me to be able to stay in this marriage like he does, i need to go outside to fill the void. I would feel good for a bit and then feel like crap when i turn around. Hard to explain..

 

 

 

Anyone in similar situation?

 

 

Is love between a man and a woman when we're at this age a little overrated ?

 

Its very painful being rejected this way. I know I get pushed away with cuddles etc. Have you considered that maybe he is emotionally unavailable? From what youve said it seems he wants the perks of a wife, but not to put in the emotional work?

 

I am in a similar situation although my husband would really lose it completely every time Ive asked for a divorce. I asked him for one some days ago and this time Im sticking to my guns. I cant divorce him yet however as I have to wait till we've lived seperately for two years (draconian laws where I live) So anyways would it not help putting your foot down and saying no more?