Those old Second Chance Blues...

[KaiaMahina]

I don't know if it's just ME...but every time I check in here to see a "happy ending" (and thereby keep hopeless hope alive and kicking), I don't see any second chances. I only see posting from those who are hoping/wishing/waiting for a second chance. Which got me good and mad.

 

What is this "second chance"? And who is extending it to whom? I'm talking to those of us who were unjustly and maliciously cut loose, kicked out, tossed away or otherwise disposed of to suit the whims or calm the commitment fears of our dearly departed ones -- the exes.

 

Who are these people, anyway? And why are we mooning and crying over them? Why are we being reprimanded at work, or drinking, or seeing therapists or downing anti-depressants and sedatives because of them? Not only did I get ditched by the man who said he wanted to be with me the rest of my life (and I did indeed put a mirror to my lips to check if I'm still breathing, and I AM), but now I'm being demoted at work, my home computer has died, and everything else is spiraling downward faster than a 16-ton weight on Wile E. Coyote. This summer has been one of the worst three months of my entire life.

 

Meanwhile, the ex is starting up college classes again, paying his inexpensive rent to his mommy dearest, going to his cushy job where he makes money tax-free, filing bankruptcy, and using his disposable income to buy new guitars and amps and whatever this little organ grinder's monkey requires for his artistic expression.

 

It would be great fun if he came sniffing around my doorstep again, proffering a "second chance." I would shove that second chance, along with a grand piano, straight up his a** and use the heel of my shoe to jam it all in nice and tight. Because I'm not furthering my education with government money, and I'm not paying chump change in rent, and I'm paying taxes, and I'm paying off my credit card debt, and my disposable income is going toward co-pays to a therapist, a psychiatrist and anti-depressant meds!

 

Who drop-kicked me into this black hole of despair? Who was so afraid of being rejected that he rejected me? Who was so terrified of being hurt that he hurt me? Who sought my trust and, once securing it, betrayed me? Second chance, bull****. The only second chance I want is the chance to make him the sorriest SOB in this galaxy. I couldn't spare him a Dixie cup of water if he was in hell. Which, if there is any justice, he will be, sooner or later. But what he really deserves is the kind of hell only some mean-spirited, ball-busting, manipulative and downright evil b**** can dish out. Oh, yeah! I forgot, he's already got that...he lives with his mother!

[djones]

KM,

 

You just put a smile on my face today ....I loved that rant that was about due for you!! I have not seen you rant in while. I am doing good...I feel better about myself a little more...hopefully soon we all will be fine and find a good person....take care

[Kate]

Yes, like you, i am right there. i don't think my ex deserves hell or anything like that, but a wake up call would do....

 

is this God's way of punishing us for being weak? i hope not. this weekend i finally started to get rid of some guilt -- guilt i imposed on myself, and on the situation and reasons as to why it ended. i realize i did EVERYTHING i could to see it clearly -- started therapy, taking meds to sleep through the night (not without some horrible nightmares, though), reading lots of books, venting on this website, and maintaining a fruitful social life. i realize i have done all that i can to help myself, but it STILL doesn't seem to be enough.

 

like you, my work is totally faltering. i'm not some sorry ass either who can't take care of herself, but i'm starting to feel rediculous. how can he go on without the stress of loss? how can he just go on his merry way with only 2 calls and no messages in a week after i simply stopped contacting him? i say he has given up too, when HE is the one who snubbed me repeatedly.

 

why do we make excuses for these people? are they excuses to love them? is life preparing us for something wonderful? are we really destined for another path more important, and God has removed the spam FOR us? because we were too kind to see it for what it is?

 

sounds to me like you will survive just fine, given the nature of your posts. i believe that for myself, too. we wouldn't be feeling so bad i think if the person who shafted us was STELLAR in every way!! sounds like we have found some of the losers of the bunch and are more shocked that they would leave us than anything else, no? if mr. wonderful who had all of his **** together needed time and space, i can't say i would feel this bad!

 

oh, there is definitely better out there. we have just been blinded by a fog of weakness, deep fear and confusion (our exes). i hope i have a real success story where he comes crawling and i shut the door on his paw.

[SMF]

Yes KaiMahina- I AM GLAD You have finally RANTED!!!!

 

I agree second chances are bologne....Unless my ex crawled on broken glass to get back to me would I then even consider- the relationship is already tainted bc he ruined my trust, ruined the respect that my family and friends once had for him and most of all - I would look like the biggest jerk if I went back to someone that has caused me so much pain.

 

We are going to have good days and bad days. On the 14th of this month, I am approaching 2 months of the break up. I have had nc for about 3 weeks now. I started feeling stronger, not thinking about him, had a cute boy distraction, was doing good at work, relaxed... of course yesterday- I exploded. IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. We are human and things are not always going to be perfect or planned.

 

I was so so sad yesterday as I felt like nothing was ever going to go right for me... I just felt hopeless, disappointed and rotten.... but today was a new day and I do not feel like I did yesterday. I cried my eyes out ALLL Day and today I feel better.

 

I think we need to have those days every now and again.

 

Yes our exes are DOGS. More like rats that scurried into a hole not to be seen only to hide from the truth and sunshine and reality that we possess... My ex is a thin, spinless rat who broke my heart for no reason, crawled into a hole and is still hanging out with "boys". Yeah he is 29.

 

We have to stay strong and perservere and have hope that something more positive will come our way.

[doubledown]

I think that alot of us view a second chance as our chance to decide if the relationship is right or wrong. Many R/L's end with one party wondering "what happened". We want that second chance to get their side of the story and then decide, do I really want him/her back?

 

I don't think everyone on here is naive enough to believe that things would be the same or better if they were to reconcile with a grovelling EX.

[WantanS4]

doubledown,

 

It depends on how the RL ended. What we can say for sure is that without honest, there is no trust, without trust there CANNOT be love. So, it's a matter of having the ex comeback willing to BEND BACKWARDS that determines how successful a 2nd chance could be. In my case, she would have to literally devulge every last detail, willingly... but what are the chances of that? Our breakup was the case of "i don't know what I want' and "i don't see us together with where I want to go in life", but fate still has a HUGE hand in the success of her 'new dreams'. As far as my conduct in the relationship, I was honest, committed, faithful and always OPEN about what I thought and felt. She wasn't..... either a personality/character flaw... or simply immaturity... it remains to be seen. All I know is that everyone I talk to about it (with the most unbiased perspective I can give) says that it wasn't me, but her inability to open up/share her emotions and deal with them. SO.... in this case, if she were to comeback, she would ask me if i have 'changed' enough to start something... to which I would say "no... Have you changed/grown enough...." I think if she does comeback, it'll be because she's realized how almost IMPOSSIBLE it is to find a guy who's willing to give himself completely and because she's swallowed her pride (which as of right now the last time i spoke to her... she has too much of). Hmm.... I think my ex just needs a taste of REAL life..... and realize how sad it can be with no one to love you (regardless of what you look like/have/do for a living).

 

Reiterating..... it seems like seconds chances all depend on the Ex's ability to be honest and open and un-proud.

 

BUT MY QUESTION.. and this is the MILLION DOLLAR ONE... is........

 

What do the EXs feel and think.... DO THEY THINK OF US? and when they do... what the hell do they conclude?

 

This is what I wonder about her......... maybe some of you ladies could shed some light....

[Kate]

oh man wantan, i can give a brief perspective when i was on the other side...

 

7 years ago i met the man of my dreams. this happened to be when i was in the middle of my first relationship that i was quite happy with and had been in for over a year. but...this guy swept me off my feet...he was everything i desired. but the fear and comfort of my relationship at the time prevented me from dating him. i went back with my bf, was TOTALLY honest to all parties at the time, but i just didn't know what to do. i was young, just 19, and confused. but will tell you this, even though my story is so different from your situation -- not a DAY went by for the next 3 years where i did not think of this man. when my ex and i finally ended, all i could think of was the guy. i called him up out of the blue and we went out for drinks. he was with another girl at the time (i found out not from him) but i realized i missed the boat. it was an emotionally filled night for me, and i realized he had changed, even.

 

i guess there are 2 points i am trying to make -- you NEVER forget how good a guy is, even if you have "soul searching" to do. i didn't know anything different from my first boyfriend, and after all of the aholes i have dated since, i realize that he treated me better than any guy ever. i fell out of love withi him though and we outgrew eachother after 4 years, but i still remember him. i can tell you this -- if the spark is still there iwth you and this girl, she wILL realize what she is missing/has lost after a short while. it doesn't take long to find out that "better" guys aren't better. there are rare diamonds and sometimes we don't see it till after. i think for people who lack experience, in a sense it is not their fault to go on some goose chase -- they dont know what else is out there. let her go, i would cut her off totally though, but never be mean about it. i think she will come around after she dates a bunch of a-holes. there are really few good guy out there.

 

in my current situation, it is much of hte same. the guy has had only one serious relationshp, he never went to college and experienced the freedom you need, never saw what was out there, and lived at home at 26until a month ago! he knows i am the best he has gotten, but he doesn't KNOW KNOW. he never knew how to treat me -- NEVER treated me badly, but sometimes not knowing can be the same thing. he now lives with 21 yearold recent college grads as his first experience away from home. this has only been a month, though. i know in my heart he will come around and start to realize what he had after he does some looking. it doesn't take people that long to realize what they had in hindsight. before, it was ok for him to be alone all the time (before his 4 yr. first relationship), but now it will get harder for him. most of his friends are engaged or been with the same girl for a few years. i suspect he will do a lot of flirting and making out at bars with these younger guys with the hopes of finding ms. right. but he won't, because he has found the best woman on the planet. you have to remove yourself from the situatoin enough and believe enough in yourself that you don't even think of them. what are we great ones worrying about? i am SO guilty of that! and the more you worry if they will come back, the more they stay away. lacking your confidence is like a repellent to them.

 

like you i need to buck up and take another look at my great self. it's easy to lose that when you know in your heart that the person you love has growing to do just to catch up with you. but, if they are worth it, they will grow fast in your absence. i am most scared of moving on because i know the potential my ex and i had. it was great, if only a few years later. but there is a reason it is not working right now, and perhaps a good one i just don't have the answer to yet. if he wanted me, he would do more than call with no message after i have been ignoring him for a full week. he would show up at my house, text me, do something. i think he knows deep down why i have blown him off completely, and i hope it pushes him to grow. by the time he is done, i don't think i will even be there.

[WantanS4]

See, that's what everyone tells me. We were each other's FIRST real relationship (6 years... 1 year apart, 3 together, 2 apart) and well, I had to go to school longer than she did, she went out to the 'REAL' world and got a job for those 2 years. So her argument is that she HAS tasted life and doesn't believe we could 'make it' in the 'real' world. However, what she doesn't realize is that living with HER parents those 2 years we were are apart IS NOT LIVING THE REAL WORLD, whereas I had to be ALONE at SCHOOL those two years. Yes our parents took care of the bills, room and board, but SHE WASN"T ALONE. I was... and that entire time, I believed in us enough to not take any OPPOURTUNITIES to 'meet' other women. Why? Because every conversation I had with these 'prospect' were so unfulfilling/uninteresting.... all that ever turned out from them is my 'MISSING/LONGING' of her. I realized those two years that I would never find someone else who filled me soo much... but I DIND"T GO OFF AND END THE RELATIONSHIP to find out... NOR DID I FEEL GUILTY (IT WASN"T LIKE I WAS MAKING OUT/SLEEPING WITH THEM)...

 

According to her, she never had contact with the opposite sex THOSE 2 years apart (which I htink is balogna)... and she claims she 'felt guilty' about even considering doing it. That's why she gave me the boot... beacuse she claimed she didn't want to 'feel guilty' when meeting other people and she didn't 'want to be in a relationship' at this time. She added that I 'owed' this to her because she had never 'had the chance' to go out with other guys... and 'how would i know if your the one?' What does that mean? Does that mean "I WANT to see someone else (A PARTICULAR SOMEONE ELSE)... to see if I CAN DO BETTER... but hold off.. I might come back".... or does that mean "my friends think i'm an idiot for being with you cause all you do is make me cry"? Which... in a way I did... but it was because she was TOO IMMMATURE WITH HER EMOTIONS (as I mentioned before) and it seemed that everything that came out of my mouth, she took to heart and it hurt her. BY GOD.. I swear... I NEVER MEANT TO HURT HER....... not a single time..... and here we are again at the same point.... how am I suppose to know what I'm doing wrong when when I ask her why it bothers her when I say something she gives met he "..............................................." treatment?

 

I think she's crazy...... literally not all there.... crazy....... and all i can think about is her 'finding out' by sleeping with one guy.. and another... and another....

 

Do you think I'm unreasonable when i say that I WOULD NOT TAKE HER BACK if she sleeps with someone else? I just won't have the same respect for her.... and obviously she has no respect for me or my needs at the time........ where that respect went... I don't know. All i know isthat I break down when I think about how much I BELIEVED in her.... and how she LET ME DOWN... and she seems to be wanting to be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what I thought she was.

 

I just don't know...... sad........ and I said this to her..... but.... it seems like there are women to spend their entire lifetimes trying to find someone who will love them for them... with all their mistakes.... especially for all their mistakes/shortfalls...... and here i am.... loving a GIRL (not a woman).... for those reasons and she could careless. It's sad.... poetic justice for me...... sad........

 

So I ask... who's more grown up? Me.... knows what he wants in life.... or her (has worked for 2 years and believes she knows the real world) and doesn't know what she wants.

 

Thanks Kate.......

 

and in your case.... that guy is a F***k'n a**h***.... let him go... he's still a boy.... your average 'frat' boy with no individuality...... he's no 'leader'... he's a GAMMA male... at most a BETA male....... you and all the woman on here who have been betrayed need ALPHA males....

[Kate]

wow, thanks. what makes you say he is a F-ing a-hole? am i blind or something or am i not taking in what i have written here? i can't wait to move on...just waiting for it to happen. i need to remind myself that he doesn't care for me.

[WantanS4]

Why.... because he's average... he's your average american 20-something guy who believes it's natural course to F*** around at this age and not think about what your doing or who your hurting... Funny thing is... what comes around goes around....

 

Does he care for you... NOT ANYMORE! and it makes you wonder... was it ever real? I've come to conclude it was.... only that now.... it isn't worth so much because of the 'third' party influences (be it friends/other prospects, family. etc.) 20-something people are so impressionable.... that's why they say this is the FINAL developmental stage in your life........

[ntovrhm]

Wanton, will you marry me?

[WantanS4]

It depends.... would you say that a man/woman without music has no soul?

[ntovrhm]

Yes, and if they don't sing when driving alone in the car, either!

[prevch]

gosh I love the people here

 

my ex girlfriend did this same thing. I treated her like she was angel and I got the boot. I just started no contact like 3 weeks ago and I am hoping that it is working. I am 20 she is 18 but I think she is going through the whole "I need to see what else is out there" thing. But you know what deep down I know that I am a really good guy that was totally honest didn't cheat and wanted her to be my wife. Someday i hope she realizes that she made a mistake but who knows maybe I will just be left hanging! For now I need to perk up. I didn't choose this she did. Plus it is my birthday soon so I deserve to be happy right???

well I love her a lot but I guess I just need to move on for now!