Karen Thomas Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 I am seriously having problems with my husband, "Kevin". I've been married to him for 25 years now, and for about the last ten years it totally hasn't worked out. I have a 14 year old son and a five year old daughter. When he took my son to a doctor appointment, he started talking to my son about sex. He said a bunch of weird stuff - different positions, how to do it, etc. He used a bunch of innuendo to him. I found "Zap Comics" (adult comic books from the 1960s) in the shop he used to have his sign painting business in. I also saw porn sites on his computer favorites list, including a site that posts classified ads for women who are looking to cheat on their husbands. He yells at me and blows up in my face for no apparent reason. In April, we got into a really big fight and he moved out. He hasn't moved bacik in the house since. I read "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engle and it spoke to me. It was almost like she was talking about Kevin in the book. I have no privacy. He barges into the house unannounced, and he says "it's my house, so I can come and go whenever I want!" But he frightens the kids. My 14 year old son, Tyler, almost has a nervous breakdown whenever his dad comes. He's scared of him. Do you have any ideas on what to do? Please help, I'm at my wits' end. Thanks so much, Karen Thomas Link to post Share on other sites
arnicka Posted September 7, 2004 Share Posted September 7, 2004 I am so sorry for your situation -- what a completely disruptive influence. Are you and Kevin in the process of separation? If not I hate to say it but counseling and then possibly a legal separation or divorce would be best. He is definitely being disrespectful of you and your children and everyone's boundaries. I hate to hear of a situation like this. How are your children doing in school? Does he visit them on a regular basis? Is the time "quality" or just "quantity"? Is the financial situation stable enough to ride through this "separation" that he's enforced? I apologize for all the questions but I think these are the things you might need to ask yourself. Have you spoken to the counselor(s) at your children's school(s)? They may be able to provide help if there are problems at school for your children. I'm sure Kevin's actions have reverberated in probably every aspect of your family's life. Wishing you the best, arnicka Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Change your locks. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Karen, Your husband is having it all here. He has moved out of the marital home, is doing what he wishes when he wishes with whom he wishes and is still wielding his control over you and your kiddos. Get to an attorney and if nothing else file for a legal seperation so this knucklehead can't just barge into your home anymore and take control of your life and frighten your kids. You and your children deserve to feel safe in your home and have peace of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Karen Thomas Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Thank you for you help. I just can't take it anymore with him. It's affecting my kids too. He's been telling Tyler (my 14 year old son) his "spin" on things. He told him, "You know, I have complete control over your mother. I can do anything I want with her." And after a fight we had, I left to compose myself. He apparently said to Tyler, "Your mother is crazy. She's mental, you know that? She has severe behavior problems and she needs heavy meds!" This happened about a year ago, but my son remembers it clearly - who could forget that kind of thing?! Btw, we have started counseling. We go to individual therapy, but we have had one session together and Kevin was trying to take control over the conversation - and he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise! He complains about the money - he makes $60 thousand dollars a year, and I go to yard sales every week to get clothes for me and my kids, spending 50c and a dollar while my husband spends 50 times that! Kevin buys all his things at retail stores. He recently spent $800 on a new digital camera and printer - the printer's broken and we can't find the camera! He buys pairs of socks for $20 dollars apiece, and complains about my spending habits when I get a week worth of food for that same price at warehouse stores. Kevin monitors my son's Internet usage - he looks at my son's email - Tyler has tried to change the password but Kevin makes him tell it. Both my kids have autism and they just can't take it anymore. Fortunately, my daughter, Amanda, doesn't know anything of what's going on. But for Tyler, it's impossible NOT to know. You were right about changing the locks, Tyler is pestering me to get deadbolts. Not such a bad idea! Whenever he has an inkling that his dad is coming, he locks all the doors and windows and puts chairs under the doorknobs, so Kevin can't come in. I tell Tyler to stop that, but deep in my heart I think Tyler's doing the right thing. I don't know, there's so much going on. Thanks so much for your support, Karen Thomas El Paso, TX Link to post Share on other sites
Sin_D Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Karen, It seems to me like, you are allowing this man to control your life. I want to ask you a few questions, and try to answer them to yourself HONESTLY. First of all... Do you own or rent the home you and your children are living in? Second, if you Own or Rent, is he (Kevin) helping you with mortgage/ rent and expenses? Third, do you still LOVE Kevin... now the answer to this question is the most crucial one... so you must be honest with yourself. Fourth question and most important one also, Would you like your sons to grow up to be like this man? Do you want them to be mean to women, and maybe even grow up with anger toward you, because you never put an end to that relationship you had with Kevin? I ask you this, because I am sure you have heard of that saying, " The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree" Your son's are watching what Kevin is doing to you. The fear he puts in them also has a lot to do with how they end up as adults. When they become grown men, they will remember how powerful their father was and how he controlled you. They will see that as being MANLY. I know you wouldn't want your children to become like Kevin. I am really sorry that you are going through this difficult time. Except, NOW is the time to take action Karen. You need to put your children first. If you are renting, and he is not helping... like the previous women said. File for Separation, get a restraining order if you have to. Don't show him intimidation. That just drives men to feel more powerful by women. Karen, I am going to ask you another question, this one is more personal... remember, just answer it to yourself. When he goes over, do you still have sexual relations with him? If the answer is no, that is a good step. BUT... if the answer is yes? You are allowing yourself to keep being emotionally attached to this man.You need to stop sleeping with him. You don't know who he is sleeping with when he is not there with you. He could give you a sexual transmitted disease. If you are terrified of him or believe he would be capable of hurting you and your children physically... There is help out there for battered women. You can call the court house and usually they have information there or hotlines you could call for help. Karen, you need to do something about your situation before it gets worst. You MUST be strong for your children. They need you, especially if they have Altism. If you can't do it for yourself, if you can't love yourself enough... then do it for them. They didn't ask to be born with their disability, much less to have an unsupportive father... I bet Tyler feels like he can't do anything to help you and his brother. Don't let him feel this way... help him. Show him that you love him and your other son, show them that you can make it without Kevin. I know you might be asking yourself or telling yourself, how can I say all this if I haven't experienced it myself. Well, it so happens that I have. I was manipulated by my husband, he used to Physically and Verbally abuse me... even Financially. I had no money, so I put up with it. Then one day, I noticed how it was affecting my daughters, so I had to do something to protect them from this life. I didn't love myself enough to do it for me. I loved him too much, but... I love my daughters more. So, I packed up, called my mother and moved away with her. I was under her roof for 8 month's. I found a job and finally saved enough to move me and my children to our own home. My daughters are both doing great in school. The separation did affect them at first. Then, they met new friends, began to go to school activities, such as joining Cheerleading, drama, and anything they had. I'm happy to say, that I survived, and now I am dating. I am more picky about the men I date. If they show ANY signs of being manipulative or controlling.. I don't even go for a second date with them. I am doing this all thinking of myself and most of all my daughters. I really hope you take this well into thought. I wish you the best of luck Karen... you and your kids. Sincerely, Sin D[color=blue][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 It's obvious that he is controlling and you are scared of him. Contact the police and get a PFA against him. Also here in PA there is a program for abused women, called Women In Transistion. I believe every state has something like this. If you call the police, ask them about this. They will get you into contact with them. They will help you in the transistion phase of getting out of an abusive marriage. Contact a lawyer and start divorce precedings. Has he ever been physically abusive towards you? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts