A happy medium: Extrovert BF vs. Introverted GF

[pony]

As the title suggests, my boyfriend is a pretty extroverted guy and has a good circle of friends. There's a main group of friends and several other people who gravitate around that social circle (friends of friends) who will occasionally join them for get-togethers and parties. I, on the other hand could not be more opposite. I enjoy spending time alone (including time alone with him), I have many friends but all in different social circles. I don't see them as often as he sees his friends. My friends all seem to be getting engaged, married, having children or already have kids, and even some are single but we're all in different places in our lives that it's not as easy to just call them up and have big group get togethers on a regular basis. Most of the time, I'm fine with this but he doesn't seem to understand, even though I've explained it exactly like this, several times.

 

The other problem for me is that he has absolutely no sense of organization. He will make plans with friends on the fly and tell me the day of. We are together 6-7 days a week though so I don't usually mind this as much if it happens from time to time but lately it's been often and another thing that gets to me is that I don't get invited that often to his friends things.

 

We recently had a good conversation about this whole topic but it didn't feel like he listened to me (I have a feeling most of what I said had slipped his mind)...it was as if he felt it was a good conversation because he got to clear the air on certain things (we came to an agreeable conclusion too but my gut's telling me that he didn't hear what I had to say).

 

For example, St-Patrick's day is coming up on Sunday...it's a big party day and he's planning on partying and I know his friends will be doing a big thing together but they haven't planned it yet. The other night, I hinted at St-Paddy's day in hopes to be included in his plans (whenever he starts talking about them)... He knows I don't have any plans and I have a strong feeling that come Sunday afternoon, he'll be making plans and not informing me, probably because he'll be "hanging out with the guys". What I want is to be invited if he has plans for the day but that this time I'm not cool with it if I'm not invited or if it's just a guys thing. Is it ok to feel this way every once in a while? I'm tired of feeling excluded from his social circle. My friends adore him and invite him to everything they invite me to....we do have girls nights and I hang out with friends without him. It's just that from my perspective, it FEELS like his friends could care less about my existence/our relationship. They're all nice to me and I can't possibly think of any reason they would have to dislike me (I didn't steel him from them!!). I've always been polite and nice with them but I don't get invited by them when they're planning parties or outings. It feels as though if I have nothing to do, he would need to ask his friends if I can attend or he just won't attend.

 

It's not that I'm trying to avoid a conflict by letting him do what he wants, but I feel that if I keep it up like this, he will drift away or that I will become more and more frustrated...He's the one that likes to say that we need to have a "happy medium" but the happy mediums all work out well for him but leave me frustrated... is this something I might just have to learn to live with? Could my happy medium be to SOMETIMES put my foot down and not let him go out with friends if I'm not invited (like on Saint-Patrick's day)??

 

What is a happy medium to you anyway? I know what his happy medium is, but I'm not exactly sure what mine even is.

Edited March 13, 2013 by pony

[pony]

Thanks! Here's an update:

 

As I expected, I was excluded from his st-patricks day celebrations. I was hoping to have fun on st-paddy's day but my friends didn't plan anything. Instead, we both went to one of my friend's birthday party, which we both had a fun time at and for st-patrick's day, he went to his friends place where they had a big party and basically he didn't seem to want me to go. I had asked him what we were doing for st-paddy's, he told me "I'm getting drunk! I don't know what you're doing but you're welcome to come if you want..." ... That felt like it was a nice way to say, "you're not invited but I guess feel free...'. I usually don't care about this...but on a celebration day where everyone is partying, I'd like to feel included a little...especially when he knew that my friends were not planning on doing anything.

 

He came to see me after he was done his entire day of partying and gave me the synopsis of his day. He had made it seem at first like it was all guys and like I wouldn't like it but then as his drunken retelling went on, he started mentioning some of his friends girlfriends and other girls being there...that's where I started feeling like this again. I was happy that he had a good time but today, his roommate's girlfriend (whom I'm friends with on facebook) had posted her pictures from the party on facebook and now I just feel like I've been excluded and like I missed out on a lot of fun. I was bored all day yesterday and when I think back at it, it's kind of depressing.

 

I actually feel like I'm not good enough to be around his friends. My bf and I have been talking about this a lot lately but he still doesn't seem to completely understand because yesterday my heart felt like it sank to the ground. I feel like for the amount of time we've been talking about it, he should begin to understand. But no, I actually felt like ****!

 

What should I do? when this happens, he's always like "why don't you call your friends?"...and as I've explained before, my friends and I need a lot of organization to get together as a group. He does invite me to go with him to their things but very rarely. and when he does, feels like he just does it because he feels bad that I don't have anything better to do on that particular day. I've been acting a little passive-aggressive lately and I feel like this is making it worse and worse... I also have a feeling that maybe his friends don't like me and he doesn't want my feelings to be hurt? Does this sound like it could be a reason? :/

 

It just really sucks to be left out by your own boyfriend on EVERY holiday or occasion.

[dj572]

I am introverted and I was married to an extrovert. She couldn't ever seem to understand I didn't want to socialize with a group all the time. She started just making plans without me. I know how it feels for the most part I didn't want to go but it sucks to not be asked. After she left I ended up dating another extrovert. She wanted to constantly do parties and other group activities. I preferred to spend time with just her but it never seemed to work that way. She ended up doing the same thing she would make plans that didn't include me. Oh well live and learn if I ever date again no more extroverts for me.

[clia]

How long have you been dating your boyfriend and how old are you? That has some bearing on my thoughts on this.

 

I'm kind of confused, because you state in your post that you are together 6-7 days a week. That's a lot! I can understand being upset about not being invited to everything, but it certainly doesn't sound like he is neglecting you.

 

I'm also confused about this...

 

I was hoping to have fun on st-paddy's day but my friends didn't plan anything. Instead, we both went to one of my friend's birthday party, which we both had a fun time at and for st-patrick's day, he went to his friends place where they had a big party and basically he didn't seem to want me to go.

 

He went with you and your friend's party first, so he spent time with you that day. What did he say that led you believe that he didn't seem to want you to go to his friends' party?

 

I had asked him what we were doing for st-paddy's, he told me "I'm getting drunk! I don't know what you're doing but you're welcome to come if you want..."

 

I dunno...this sounds like an invite to me. Maybe it's not the most suave, but he sounds like any early 20s guy (am I right on the age)?

 

.. That felt like it was a nice way to say, "you're not invited but I guess feel free...'.

 

Are you sure you aren't reading something into it that isn't there? Are you sure that he just didn't think you were interested in going, for some reason?

 

He came to see me after he was done his entire day of partying and gave me the synopsis of his day.

 

And then he saw you later that day...this is not a neglectful boyfriend.

 

I was bored all day yesterday and when I think back at it, it's kind of depressing.

 

Honestly, this is your problem, not his. It might just be time for you to expand your circle of friends via Meetups and other social groups so you aren't sitting at home bored when he wants his guy time.

 

I really don't think extrovert v. introvert has anything to do with your problem. In fact, it sounds like the opposite -- you want to be included in the partying, not excluded from it. Your boyfriend may require more time alone with his friends than you do, which is why he doesn't invite you along all the time. Even if there are other girls there, that doesn't mean he is spending a great deal of time socializing with them. He may just want to hang with his boys and get drunk without you around.

 

Have you asked him straight out what the deal is? If he really didn't want you to go to the party, that does seem strange to me given that it is St. Patrick's Day and a big party day.

[pony]

Clia, I think you misunderstand. First off, we've been together almost a year now and it's my first actual long term relationship, so it's the first time I deal with these feelings. We're both 28 years old. I'm not complaining about him and him being neglectful, sorry if I'm making it seem that way. I do let him go with his friends all the time (he goes at least once a week or when they get together). 6-7 days together is on a general basis...some weeks we spend 3-4 evenings together. We're together a lot, that's for sure...that's not what I'm upset about. He's definitely not neglectful and I would never say that about him.

 

What I am bummed out about is that I never feel included in his social circle, whereas he is well liked in my social circle...my friends love him and ask me to bring him along when we get together. It's his friends, I feel like they could care less about getting to know me. When I tell him this, he says they like me but they don't show it when I'm around them and he seems to be keeping me away from them. That's what I'm bummed about. It definitely is caused by the extroversion/introversion because we don't deal with being around people in the same way. Being introverted does not mean I don't like to be social. It does not mean I'm shy by all means...for me, it means that I'm perfectly content spending time alone, MOST of the time. Not ALL of the time. When I do go out socially, it usually requires a lot of energy to get into it so I'm not one to enjoy a big gathering on a regular basis.

[pony]

I know how it feels for the most part I didn't want to go but it sucks to not be asked.

 

That's EXACTLY what I'm talking about!

 

I know I need to clarify...I'm actually writing this quickly on my break at work so my time to review my posts is kind of limited. I don't want him to ask if he doesn't want me to go, but I wanted to celebrate st-patricks, he knew I wanted to celebrate and have fun too. I guess I have to make it a happy-crappy medium!

[clia]

Clia, I think you misunderstand. First off, we've been together almost a year now and it's my first actual long term relationship, so it's the first time I deal with these feelings. We're both 28 years old. I'm not complaining about him and him being neglectful, sorry if I'm making it seem that way. I do let him go with his friends all the time (he goes at least once a week or when they get together). 6-7 days together is on a general basis...some weeks we spend 3-4 evenings together. We're together a lot, that's for sure...that's not what I'm upset about. He's definitely not neglectful and I would never say that about him.

 

I think you misunderstand what I'm saying also. My point is that if you are seeing him 6-7 days a week (or even 3-4 evenings a week), that doesn't give him a lot of spare time to hang out with his friends. As a result, he may not invite you out with them because he just wants to hang out with them alone, without you. (And he likely has no power over who they invite on these outings -- i.e. their girlfriends, girls, whatever. To him, the importance may be that his boys are there.) If he is going out with them on average once a week, that's not much.

 

I guess maybe I am confused about what you want -- do you want to accompany him each week when he goes out with his friends, or do you just want him to invite you along when he goes? How often do you think it is reasonable for him to see his friends without you along?

 

What I am bummed out about is that I never feel included in his social circle, whereas he is well liked in my social circle...my friends love him and ask me to bring him along when we get together. It's his friends, I feel like they could care less about getting to know me. When I tell him this, he says they like me but they don't show it when I'm around them and he seems to be keeping me away from them.

 

I think he did invite you to go to the party on St. Patrick's Day, based on what you posted he said. Could it be that you've declined so many times in the past (due to needing your alone time) that he doesn't feel it is worth asking anymore? Or is he comfortable enough with you that he assumes you know you are invited, so he doesn't have to specifically ask you? What does he do to keep you away from his friends?

 

All you can really do is talk to him about it and let him know that you want to be included. Have you said that to him directly? (What exactly did you say in the long conversation you had about this topic?) What did he say? Do you have any indication that he might be interested in any of the girls he hangs out with, so he doesn't want you around on that basis?

 

That's what I'm bummed about. It definitely is caused by the extroversion/introversion because we don't deal with being around people in the same way. Being introverted does not mean I don't like to be social. It does not mean I'm shy by all means...for me, it means that I'm perfectly content spending time alone, MOST of the time. Not ALL of the time. When I do go out socially, it usually requires a lot of energy to get into it so I'm not one to enjoy a big gathering on a regular basis.

 

I know the difference between introversion/extroversion. I just don't see how it has anything to do with your problem, and what you say above merely solidifes that. You are upset because he isn't inviting you along to socialize. If the problem was introversion/extroversion, you would be complaining because he was inviting you along, but you didn't want to go because you needed your alone time and it was causing a conflict.

[pony]

You are upset because he isn't inviting you along to socialize.

THAT's what you're misunderstanding! I think it's just the semantics...I am not upset because he's not inviting me on a general basis. I am upset because he knows when I want to go out and socialize (because we talk about it) but he doesn't seem to care to help me out with that issue when my own friends are not getting together. It's the combination of me wanting to go out and my friends not being free while he has plans with his friends but leaving me behind, even though he knows I'd like to go out. Does that make sense? I wouldn't feel the same way if all he was doing with his friends was watching the game with the guys....I'm specifically talking about occasions like st-patricks day, canada day, new years eve, halloween, etc.

[pony]

Sorry...I may not have expressed that properly in the first post. It's just that there's a lot of background to the question that I feel needs to be explained in order to be understood correctly. I feel that if I just said "My boyfriend never includes me when he goes out with his friends", the answers would be vastly different.

[Els]

Well, St Paddy's is over from what I know (never was big on that holiday myself ), but this seems to be a recurring issue for you, not just a one-time one, so I'll try to help if I can.

 

I can understand wanting to be included in your partner's social circle if you're in a LTR. You mention you've talked to him about this. What did he say when you talked about it and what were his reasons?

 

As for his friends, are they a co-ed group or all male? If they are all male, do some of the others bring their gfs along? I think that if they were all male you could make an exception for them as long as it doesn't interfere with your time with him too much, boys want to be boys and all that. It might be pretty awkward if your bf was the only one bringing a girl along. If they were co-ed, I don't see why he's not inviting you? Unless he has, but you're upset that his friends haven't invited you in person? Sorry, I'm a little confused.