Author Agent M Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 So how does this conflict with what I previously stated? Nowhere has he served you back. You've just served him in order for him to treat you like another human being and not a "misbehaving" slave. tbf, he is doing his part by chipping in around the house, as he was before this became an issue (the dishes). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted March 23, 2013 Author Share Posted March 23, 2013 Harsh post: Agent M, all this means is that he has you nicely trained into being his willing and cooperative doormat. You are being 'trained' to accept the situation, and do everything you can to appease his temperament, accede to his demands and thus earn 'a quiet life'. . TaraMaiden, not a harsh post. I appreciate everyone's concern and feedback. He does give as long as he feels wanted. That's part of my problem with him...I don't feel as though I should have to give in order to receive all the time. However, I think, from looking at the situation, that he rebels when he feels like I am not giving him enough attention in some form or another. Does that solve the problem? No, and I will end up breaking up with him (if he doesn't break up with me first). I want a clean break, though, having no responsibility of my own. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 There's a joke about musicians... "What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?" Homeless. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) Let him move out...help him pack his bags. End of story. See how far his attitude gets him elsewhere. Edited March 24, 2013 by pink_sugar Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 TaraMaiden, not a harsh post. I appreciate everyone's concern and feedback. He does give as long as he feels wanted. That's part of my problem with him...I don't feel as though I should have to give in order to receive all the time. However, I think, from looking at the situation, that he rebels when he feels like I am not giving him enough attention in some form or another. Does that solve the problem? No, and I will end up breaking up with him (if he doesn't break up with me first). I want a clean break, though, having no responsibility of my own. Bolded: meaning...... what, exactly? do you mean you want him to give you such an unequivocal reason for you breaking up with him that essentially there's no arguing or denying it will have been his fault.....? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 TaraMaiden, it means I had to look at my behavior in the relationship and determine whether I had a part in creating any problems. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 TaraMaiden, it means I had to look at my behavior in the relationship and determine whether I had a part in creating any problems.Well yes, you did play a role. You're paying 2/3s of the rent and probably all other bills like utilities and food. You're cooking and doing most of the cleaning. All you ask from him is to wash the dishes and clean the toilet and sink, here and there. So when you attempt to get him to do his very minimal amount, he freaks out and wants to move out. Are you his lover/partner or his mother? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
iKING Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 It may be time to let him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 TaraMaiden, it means I had to look at my behavior in the relationship and determine whether I had a part in creating any problems. tbf's post, above.... and mine...#54. Yup. Sorry, but of course you had a part in this. He 'shoved', you let him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Well yes, you did play a role. You're paying 2/3s of the rent and probably all other bills like utilities and food. You're cooking and doing most of the cleaning. All you ask from him is to wash the dishes and clean the toilet and sink, here and there. So when you attempt to get him to do his very minimal amount, he freaks out and wants to move out. Are you his lover/partner or his mother? My point was that he is reacting to other things going on in the relationship, and rebelling by not doing the dishes, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 My point was that he is reacting to other things going on in the relationship, and rebelling by not doing the dishes, etc. Do you find that his actions/reactions are reasonable and conducive for a partnership? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 My point was that he is reacting to other things going on in the relationship, and rebelling by not doing the dishes, etc. So?????????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Couple potential reasons: 1. He isn't as invested in the relationship 2. He is throwing a tantrum when you put down boundaries and you blinked first. 3. He is lazy 4. The best defense is a good offense. 5. He is unappreciative. 6. He is looking for an excuse to break up without "being the bad guy". I think you told the OP everything. I think hes looking for a free ride and u just gave in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Do you find that his actions/reactions are reasonable and conducive for a partnership? After taking a close look at his behavior, I see that this is the way he reacts when he's not happy in a relationship. This means he should leave the relationship, or communicate the things he's unhappy about so that I know what they are. If we can't come to an agreement, then staying together is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 OK...just got the ultimatum...b/f says he is moving out if I don't sleep in the same bed with him. I fully explained the issue and he says he's never had a g/f complain that he tosses and turns too much...says he doesn't want to move out but feels like a second class citizen. I offered to sleep on the couch and he says...OK, that works, he'll stay.... People tend to use the same tactics, if these tactics work. Notice how in the past he threatened to move out when you suggested he sleep downstairs since he's a thrasher and your sleep was being heavily interrupted? Notice how suddenly he's fine if you sleep on the couch even though it's your place? Does anything sound familiar? He's an asshat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Agent M - it's up to YOU - to end this. He's not going to end it. Why? Because up to now, everything has been going his way. He only has to show the mildest form of displeasure, and you've tiptoed around him on egg-shells to keep him happy and put it right.... So naturally, he's assuming that this is the way it will always go on. So why should he make moves to end it, when so far, everything has been to his advantage? There is no agreement. There never has been, and there never will be. Because as far as he's concerned, an 'agreement' consists of him losing his rag, and you making reparation. If this is to end - and I honestly feel everyone has been emphasising it definitely MUST - then you are the one who has to end it. And sooner, rather than later. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) This whole thread is painful to read. He's giving YOU ultimatums? Am I to understand your'e sleeping on the couch in your own apartment? The apartment, of which you are paying the lions share of the rent? In addition, he will only take responsibility for himself and his messes around your apartment if you making him breakfast and dinner, and carefully monitor his moods? OOF. Let me illustrate a few points: -Sweet gestures like a home cooked meal(and let me say, it is VERY sweet.. he should be so charmed by it) should result in equally sweet gestures, like treating you to a date, showing you a fantastic evening. That arrangement is equal. -He uses dishes, he washes those dishes. That arrangement is equal. -You do all the laundry one day. He vacuums/mops the floor the next day. Equal. Again: Our responsibilities as adults are one thing. Going to work, cleaning up after ourselves, paying bills, doing taxes, etc. A sweet gesture like making dinner for someone we love and respect, just because we want to while expecting nothing is return, is another. Stop bribing him into 'chipping in' around the house. He lives there, he sheds hair, his clothes get dirty, his dishes need washing, that's his dirt he's tracking into your apartment. Those are HIS responsibilities. He should be embarrassed by his behavior. Stop begging for his cooperation. Woman the F up. Edited March 26, 2013 by camillalev 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Agent M Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 The problem is nothing has been going his way. He is not sleeping in my bed. I am not doing his dishes. I am not doing his laundry. I am not accepting his arguments. As I stated earlier, I ran an experiment to find out the extent of his problems as he is not communicating clearly. Hence the dinner I cooked him. I found out dinners and dishes are not his only problem in the relationship. His main issues are he cannot be himself in my place....he cannot smoke in the house, set cannot set his equipment up anywhere, he cannot slack off, I will not stay up late with him....This is why he is throwing tantrums about the dishes. It is indicative of his bigger problems. Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 The problem is nothing has been going his way. He is not sleeping in my bed. I am not doing his dishes. I am not doing his laundry. I am not accepting his arguments. As I stated earlier, I ran an experiment to find out the extent of his problems as he is not communicating clearly. Hence the dinner I cooked him. I found out dinners and dishes are not his only problem in the relationship. His main issues are he cannot be himself in my place....he cannot smoke in the house, set cannot set his equipment up anywhere, he cannot slack off, I will not stay up late with him....This is why he is throwing tantrums about the dishes. It is indicative of his bigger problems. Take this quote out of context and I could swear you were talking about your teenage son. Will he post a sign that reads 'keep out' on his bedroom door as well? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 The problem is nothing has been going his way. He is not sleeping in my bed. I am not doing his dishes. I am not doing his laundry. I am not accepting his arguments. As I stated earlier, I ran an experiment to find out the extent of his problems as he is not communicating clearly. Hence the dinner I cooked him. I found out dinners and dishes are not his only problem in the relationship. His main issues are he cannot be himself in my place....he cannot smoke in the house, set cannot set his equipment up anywhere, he cannot slack off, I will not stay up late with him....This is why he is throwing tantrums about the dishes. It is indicative of his bigger problems. Our biggest problem is that you're not answering the question. WE all know you have to dump him. I am asking you when you're going to do that? There is absolutely nothing beneficial in this relationship you ahve with him, for you. You're prevaricating, explaining, defining and justifying. Well, I for one am getting a bit tired of it. When are you DUMPING?? Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 It is indicative of his bigger problems. Yes that he is an overgrown child. Link to post Share on other sites
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