Wife taking a break, i'm lost

[Hanging on for hope]

Been reading alot of posts here and some of them give me hope. Here's my situation:

I'm 32, wife 28. We've been married for almost 6 years, no kids, and just this past Sat she went to live with her parents for a few weeks. Although we had our rough moments, I thought the marriage was pretty solid. She said lately she has been unhappy. We never go out and do anything fun. We go to movies sometimes, out to lunch, typical couple things, but I tend to be more reserved about the nightlife, which is something I've always wanted to change but couldn't get the motivation. Other small issues that seem meaningless by themselves seem to have piled up also. We became complacent. And looking back I can see times where I've taken her for granted. Another issue that brewed for a while was having kids. She originally didn't want them, I thought I did, figured she'd change her mind. We waited a while and she came around a little and started trying a few years ago. We have been having issues and she may not be able to have them. It caused some small fights, not huge. She was always afraid I would leave her if she couldn't have kids and I always said no. Over the past year I had been thinking more about not even trying anymore because I do like the freedom, money, and time we have. I haven't pressed the issue lately.

 

Another thing that throws a wrench into everything is she started working out at the gym about a month ago and met a guy there. A few days before she moved out they started texting. They made plans to hang out the day she moved. She says its nothing more than needing someone fun to hang out with. All her good friends live out of town. So she's taking a few weeks to sort through her thoughts about us and our future, while texting and hanging out with this new guy.

 

I see my faults. I should have been more outgoing, more fun, paid more attention to her. I told her I want to make a lifestyle change and go out and do all these new things with her. After she left, I realized it doesn't matter if we ever have kids, all that matters is we are together. I don't want kids that bad. I don't think this should be a marriage breaker. I'm hoping for a chance to prove that I can change for the better. I want to change.

 

The night before she left I was a wreck saying this might be the last time I sleep next to you. She said "I don't think thats going to happen" This is the only glimmer of hope I'm holding on to.

 

She's very strong willed and can be stubborn, but i love that about her,so I have to tread lightly. I made the mistake of making contact yesterday and today. I just feel like I can't do anything and I'm losing her to another man.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Hanging on for hope

[calgent]

Been reading alot of posts here and some of them give me hope. Here's my situation:

I'm 32, wife 28. We've been married for almost 6 years, no kids, and just this past Sat she went to live with her parents for a few weeks. Although we had our rough moments, I thought the marriage was pretty solid. She said lately she has been unhappy. We never go out and do anything fun. We go to movies sometimes, out to lunch, typical couple things, but I tend to be more reserved about the nightlife, which is something I've always wanted to change but couldn't get the motivation. Other small issues that seem meaningless by themselves seem to have piled up also. We became complacent. And looking back I can see times where I've taken her for granted. Another issue that brewed for a while was having kids. She originally didn't want them, I thought I did, figured she'd change her mind. We waited a while and she came around a little and started trying a few years ago. We have been having issues and she may not be able to have them. It caused some small fights, not huge. She was always afraid I would leave her if she couldn't have kids and I always said no. Over the past year I had been thinking more about not even trying anymore because I do like the freedom, money, and time we have. I haven't pressed the issue lately.

 

Another thing that throws a wrench into everything is she started working out at the gym about a month ago and met a guy there. A few days before she moved out they started texting. They made plans to hang out the day she moved. She says its nothing more than needing someone fun to hang out with. All her good friends live out of town. So she's taking a few weeks to sort through her thoughts about us and our future, while texting and hanging out with this new guy.

 

I see my faults. I should have been more outgoing, more fun, paid more attention to her. I told her I want to make a lifestyle change and go out and do all these new things with her. After she left, I realized it doesn't matter if we ever have kids, all that matters is we are together. I don't want kids that bad. I don't think this should be a marriage breaker. I'm hoping for a chance to prove that I can change for the better. I want to change.

 

The night before she left I was a wreck saying this might be the last time I sleep next to you. She said "I don't think thats going to happen" This is the only glimmer of hope I'm holding on to.

 

She's very strong willed and can be stubborn, but i love that about her,so I have to tread lightly. I made the mistake of making contact yesterday and today. I just feel like I can't do anything and I'm losing her to another man.

 

 

I know it's no help as my wounds are very fresh. Just try to be strong friend. I have no idea of your situation, but I'm learning very fast... another man means move on.

 

I'm sending you some good thoughts right now. Take care for now.

[MYCluciferase]

Man, that's a bummer.

Doesn't necessarily mean disaster though… Guess that you have to just hang in there and see what happens.

 

Are you allowed to contact her? Could you maybe ask for a 'date'?? You have to make some move like that to show her that you're still very devoted to her (as you seem to be) and want to be more active and fun with her.

 

On the the one hand, hanging out with this guy may be her merely throwing down a challenge to you to be fun and inventive and to win her back again. On the other, she might possibly be actually interested in him, in which case you'll just have to wait it out and see if she actually gets involved. I'd suggest her going to stay with some of her friends out of town rather than hang out with this new guy, but I guess you can't really influence what she does if she's on a 'break'.

 

What's the deal with you not being motivated with having a nightlife? Is it that you're working too much, or is it just not your sort of scene, or what?

Seems like this lack of 'fun' is not a big deal (in terms of the marriage) if she could maybe visit her friends out of town and they do the clubs some weekends, and then you make the effort some nights as well, or is this a whole mess of the 'other' issues that add up to something more. (I'm not really trying to pry here, just asking you questions that may help you analyze what's going on.) If the children issue is really a biggie, you may want to reassure your wife that it's not going to cause problems in the future, ask her what's missing for her etc…

 

I sincerely hope that it's not merely that she's interested in her new guy and has played up all her disappointments to justify having a break and a chance to investigate him as a partner. You might want to ask her in a nice way to clarify this for you. (i.e. "If Gym Guy wasn't around, would we still be on a break at this point?")

 

(I'm struggling with a marriage that's drifting myself… means a readjusting of what's important, sometimes realizing that you don't have to both enjoy all the same things, but can have interests that only one of you participates in...)

 

Anyway, best of luck…

[Darth Vader]

Been reading alot of posts here and some of them give me hope. Here's my situation:

I'm 32, wife 28. We've been married for almost 6 years, no kids, and just this past Sat she went to live with her parents for a few weeks. Although we had our rough moments, I thought the marriage was pretty solid. She said lately she has been unhappy. We never go out and do anything fun. We go to movies sometimes, out to lunch, typical couple things, but I tend to be more reserved about the nightlife, which is something I've always wanted to change but couldn't get the motivation. Other small issues that seem meaningless by themselves seem to have piled up also. We became complacent. And looking back I can see times where I've taken her for granted. Another issue that brewed for a while was having kids. She originally didn't want them, I thought I did, figured she'd change her mind. We waited a while and she came around a little and started trying a few years ago. We have been having issues and she may not be able to have them. It caused some small fights, not huge. She was always afraid I would leave her if she couldn't have kids and I always said no. Over the past year I had been thinking more about not even trying anymore because I do like the freedom, money, and time we have. I haven't pressed the issue lately.

 

Another thing that throws a wrench into everything is she started working out at the gym about a month ago and met a guy there. A few days before she moved out they started texting. They made plans to hang out the day she moved. She says its nothing more than needing someone fun to hang out with. All her good friends live out of town. So she's taking a few weeks to sort through her thoughts about us and our future, while texting and hanging out with this new guy.

 

I see my faults. I should have been more outgoing, more fun, paid more attention to her. I told her I want to make a lifestyle change and go out and do all these new things with her. After she left, I realized it doesn't matter if we ever have kids, all that matters is we are together. I don't want kids that bad. I don't think this should be a marriage breaker. I'm hoping for a chance to prove that I can change for the better. I want to change.

 

The night before she left I was a wreck saying this might be the last time I sleep next to you. She said "I don't think thats going to happen" This is the only glimmer of hope I'm holding on to.

 

She's very strong willed and can be stubborn, but i love that about her,so I have to tread lightly. I made the mistake of making contact yesterday and today. I just feel like I can't do anything and I'm losing her to another man.

 

 

First off, DROP HER ASS! DIVORCE HER! She's out there riding this other guy! Do you really want her after she gets to go and have her fun all the while hurting you? She's moved on, so move on YOURSELF!

[Hanging on for hope]

Man, that's a bummer.

Doesn't necessarily mean disaster though… Guess that you have to just hang in there and see what happens.

 

Are you allowed to contact her? Could you maybe ask for a 'date'?? You have to make some move like that to show her that you're still very devoted to her (as you seem to be) and want to be more active and fun with her.

 

On the the one hand, hanging out with this guy may be her merely throwing down a challenge to you to be fun and inventive and to win her back again. On the other, she might possibly be actually interested in him, in which case you'll just have to wait it out and see if she actually gets involved. I'd suggest her going to stay with some of her friends out of town rather than hang out with this new guy, but I guess you can't really influence what she does if she's on a 'break'.

 

What's the deal with you not being motivated with having a nightlife? Is it that you're working too much, or is it just not your sort of scene, or what?

Seems like this lack of 'fun' is not a big deal (in terms of the marriage) if she could maybe visit her friends out of town and they do the clubs some weekends, and then you make the effort some nights as well, or is this a whole mess of the 'other' issues that add up to something more. (I'm not really trying to pry here, just asking you questions that may help you analyze what's going on.) If the children issue is really a biggie, you may want to reassure your wife that it's not going to cause problems in the future, ask her what's missing for her etc…

 

I sincerely hope that it's not merely that she's interested in her new guy and has played up all her disappointments to justify having a break and a chance to investigate him as a partner. You might want to ask her in a nice way to clarify this for you. (i.e. "If Gym Guy wasn't around, would we still be on a break at this point?")

 

(I'm struggling with a marriage that's drifting myself… means a readjusting of what's important, sometimes realizing that you don't have to both enjoy all the same things, but can have interests that only one of you participates in...)

 

Anyway, best of luck…

 

I can contact her, but I also want to give her space. I contacted her today and it probably wasnt the best. I'm gonna wait until next week if I can. I tried to ask her out for drinks tonight but she is going out I know I need to back off.

 

As far as nightlife, I was never in that scene because I used to be more reserved. Trying more to break out of that shell. When her friends would come in town, she'd want us to go out and I would try to make an excuse. Completely stupid of me.

 

The other issues are things like being messy, second guessing her on things, me over analyzing things, pushing for something that I really want until she caves. These didn't happen all the time, but still all minor by themselves.

 

I did make my feelings clear about this guy and did ask her. She said we would still be here. Made it clear we are still married and she told me to have respect for her and trust her. Never had any reason not to.

 

We had conversations before about needing to do different things and whatnot, just never realized it could come to this.

[MYCluciferase]

"She said we would still be here. Made it clear we are still married and she told me to have respect for her and trust her. Never had any reason not to. "

 

Yeah, she does sound strong-willed and it sounds more like she's just taking stock and not like she's messing around.

Look positive - if you guys get through this it might help you to really sort out what you both need from the relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said we would still be here. Made it clear we are still married and she told me to have respect for her and trust her. Never had any reason not to.

 

We had conversations before about needing to do different things and whatnot, just never realized it could come to this.

You should push for immediate marriage counseling. If she's serious about working on your relationship, she will agree. And it's much more productive for her to work on things in a structured counseling environment than it is chatting up her fellow gym member.

 

If she only wants to work on herself, completely different ballgame that leaves you out in the cold. I wouldn't wait to find out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ruh roh]

I can tell you from personal experience that once most women decide to move out and "take a break" it is usually the beginning of the end. The odds are definitely not in your favor if she keeps seeing Mr. Testosterone!

My wife decided to start a EA/PA and just like you I waited until it got to that point, before I decided that I needed to change ME!! Of course I blamed her for our breakup because I was deeply hurt. However after she moved out I came to the realization that divorce is just like marriage, it takes two to make it and two to break it! The worst part, is that I knew what I was doing the entire time we were together, but didn't have it in me to change. I'm finding out now that I probably never even wanted to change because I was never happy. We were married for 24-years and I bet only the first 10 were good. The rest of the time we just raised our kids.

 

I know it sounds like I am talking about myself here, but the point I was trying to make is this. Make sure that you really want to remain married. Be certain that it isn't just your ego that is hurt because of this other man. How would you feel right now if the gym dude wasn't a threat and she was just staying at her parents house? Would you feel as hurt? Would you be missing her as much?

 

You have to be honest with yourself while answering these questions. You may very well feel like I did when my SBXW left. After a few weeks of healing my ego because of her affair, I was actually glad she left. I realized that I had stopped loving her like a woman many years ago. I accepted that I made a lot of mistakes and could probably have done a 180 and possibly won her back, but I realized that wasn't what I really wanted.

 

If you feel at all like I just described my own feelings, than let her have her freedom and starting moving the rest of her things to her parents as well. Take this opportunity to move on to bigger and better things. You'er actually in a better position because you don't have kids. You may end up with a woman that you will love like you never loved before. If you find that woman I guarantee that you'll never have these types of problems again. You will never treat a woman that you are truly in love with, the way you have described treating your wife!

 

On the other hand, if you really truly love your wife, and want to fix yourself and your marriage, than find out who Mr. pumping Iron is and pay him a visit! Let him know that she is your wife and that you are not just going to stand on the side lines and watch him play ball! Take back control now!!

Convince your wife to go to MC with you. Do what ever it takes for you to treat her better and start appreciating her more. Take her out to a club occasionally for God's sake. It's not just about you! Remember it takes two to make it and two to break it.

 

If you are not willing or able to do this, than you are in the same boat as me, meaning you really didn't love her for the right reasons. If that's the case than say goodbye and let her go. After a short time you will heal and become a better man for it.

 

Only you know what you want and how you really feel!

 

 

Good luck Brother and I'll be rooting for you regardless of your decision.

 

T

[orionboxing]

Tell her how you feel!!!!

 

Sit down one day in complete privacy and ask yourself if you truly love her. If so, would you take bullet for this person? Would you cry if they died?

 

Then sit down with her one day and have it out. Ask her what you are doing wrong. Tell her what bothers you about what she is doing.

 

Get counseling. I feel for you! Good luck!

[Darren Steez]

Why did she move out again?

 

Why is she "hanging out" with guys as soon as she's moved out

 

You know the only reason she can do this is because she knows you well enough that you won't do anything drastic while she's gone.

 

I really don't understand this. Firstly if you want to work on a marriage don't you go to a Counsellor? Or sit down and have a frank talk with your partner then from there work in slowly changing the bad habits you've built up, try to start being there with each other?

 

If I moved out and the first thing I'm doing is making plans to hang out with another man, red flag.

 

If I moved out and didn't want any communication, red flag

 

Honestly people just swallow this nonsense because their afraid of losing that person. Unfortunately your inaction and impotence will do exactly that.

 

She's already seeing some else. Either she immediately agrees to see a MC or start to file. She either wants to be with you or not.

 

Separation doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it just puts you out of the picture, you know the saying..OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND

[Steadfast]

I can contact her, but I also want to give her space. I contacted her today and it probably wasnt the best. I'm gonna wait until next week if I can. I tried to ask her out for drinks tonight but she is going out I know I need to back off.

 

You do. Way off. Like, somewhere in the next galaxy. But not for the reasons you're thinking. Do not rely on instinct. Pull away. Hard. Reject what she's doing, tell her you're rejecting it and do not be a doormat!

 

Fact: being passive and taking the blame for her wrongdoing will be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage. Fact: Women do not leave men they are in love with, unless abused and/or fearing for the safely of their children. Never. Another man? Do you need an anvil to fall on your head?

 

I did make my feelings clear about this guy and did ask her. She said we would still be here. Made it clear we are still married and she told me to have respect for her and trust her. Never had any reason not to.

 

You have tons of reasons. Don't be a fool. Don't be a sucker. My god.

 

Sadly, you're probably reading this with the mindset it was written by yet another bitter, woman-hating divorcee. The truth is, I played it the way you are now. The more I was 'there' for my ex the farther away she went. If I could go back, I'd act decisively. With conviction. Right from the start.

 

She doesn't want to be around you. She wants to be with him. Turn away from her, it is the only chance you have at saving it...if it's worth saving.

 

Give her exactly what she wants. Show her in no uncertain terms that you absolutely hate what she's doing and will not tolerate it. It's the only way. She might stay away, but she would anyway. At least, you'd have a head start on your healing. With no kids I'd pack and leave for somewhere far away. File and be done. Let her taste her decisions without your support. 'Not going out enough' is a stupid excuse. Get wise. That isn't why she left.

[Hanging on for hope]

After alot more self reflection, I realize what the core of the problems are. I have been selfish and unsupportive. She actually has given me everything and been very selfless. Our communication skills have been lacking. Going out and everything was just icing. I still believe she wants to make it work, it hasn't even been a week yet.

She asked if she could stop by yesterday and grab some more work clothes and a few movies. I said no problem. I was short but friendly. Helped her carry something out to the car, but when I said take care and walked away she looked shocked like she was expecting a hug or something. I was also dressed up because I was going out later.

 

I need to make myself a better man and husband for myself. Whether it benefits her or the next woman is the question. But I can't give up the hope. She has been too good too me for many years. I will do all I can to reciprocate.

[seriously-let-down]

Sorry to say this my man, but your story is not to far to what my story is. Mine started with not going clubbing, not being romantic, spending time with her, blah, blah, blah. Its ok to do these things, but I felt it was all one sided, the reasons where really her excuses to justify her needs.

 

Theirs a new guy on the scene with my wife, he's from her work, again started by Facebook messaging. We tried the counselling, going out, etc,etc. It wasnt enough for her. She dumped me the night before my 40th birthday and the night after spent it with him. Even if nothing was going on before, her mind had been made up before. So no amount of trying would have ever worked. Personally I hope the B-itch rots in hell, the ironic thing is the guy she left me for, his wife had done it to him. They'll gets whats deserved. Karma!

 

I hope for your sake, that your story doesn't lead to what has happened to me, its been a rough ride and still is some days. just be prepared to make life changes to help with the pain. I've got a new home, new car, new life and now looking for a new better paid job.

 

There is hope, and one day I'll be having the last laugh.

 

take care, lets hope its just a blip for your sake.

[Steadfast]

After alot more self reflection, I realize what the core of the problems are. I have been selfish and unsupportive. She actually has given me everything and been very selfless.

 

There's a limit to being unselfish and supportive? See, what that really means is she was being unselfish and supportive for a reason. A reason other than love, that is. Unless you cheated or continuously lied, her leaving and taking up with another man shows she wasn't genuine in her actions. Real love grows stronger in the face of strife and hardship; not weaker. Perhaps you really don't love her. Perhaps you just feel the loss.

 

Only you can answer that.

 

I can say that self-blame is one of the phases a betrayed spouse goes through, and it's a strong, heartbreaking phase. There isn't a divorced person alive that can't look back and feel guilt or remorse for the things they didn't do. Loving spouses work through these things, unloving spouses, or people with selfish agenda don't. They leave. How many kids are a total pain-in-the-a$$? For years on end? Are they dumped and replaced? You're hear 'that's different' when asking a cheater that question, but in reality it is not different. The bond between a man and wife is the foundation for everything else, not the starting point. Take what's yours to own but don't take hers. She'll gladly let you carry it if you choose to.

 

Now you know. This has brought a realization to you. It did for me too. If she loves you, she'll drop this 'friendship' and come home. If you try to force it, insist, use guilt or obligation, she might feel she came back to spare you. Not because she loves and cares for her husband.

 

Love isn't forced.

 

This is why you must leave her alone. Let her come to it on her own. Do not reward bad behavior. She'll never respect you. In the meantime, make your own decisions. You may be shocked at what they eventually are.

[Hanging on for hope]

There's a limit to being unselfish and supportive? See, what that really means is she was being unselfish and supportive for a reason. A reason other than love, that is. Unless you cheated or continuously lied, her leaving and taking up with another man shows she wasn't genuine in her actions. Real love grows stronger in the face of strife and hardship; not weaker. Perhaps you really don't love her. Perhaps you just feel the loss.

 

Only you can answer that.

 

I can say that self-blame is one of the phases a betrayed spouse goes through, and it's a strong, heartbreaking phase. There isn't a divorced person alive that can't look back and feel guilt or remorse for the things they didn't do. Loving spouses work through these things, unloving spouses, or people with selfish agenda don't. They leave. How many kids are a total pain-in-the-a$$? For years on end? Are they dumped and replaced? You're hear 'that's different' when asking a cheater that question, but in reality it is not different. The bond between a man and wife is the foundation for everything else, not the starting point. Take what's yours to own but don't take hers. She'll gladly let you carry it if you choose to.

 

Now you know. This has brought a realization to you. It did for me too. If she loves you, she'll drop this 'friendship' and come home. If you try to force it, insist, use guilt or obligation, she might feel she came back to spare you. Not because she loves and cares for her husband.

 

Love isn't forced.

 

This is why you must leave her alone. Let her come to it on her own. Do not reward bad behavior. She'll never respect you. In the meantime, make your own decisions. You may be shocked at what they eventually are.

 

Thank you. This is really all I can do. I'm not admitting fault to anything I don't feel was wrong. And I'm also not calling out her faults. She will have to realize them just as I am. I can only hope she wants to put in the effort. But at least this is making me a better person.

[MYCluciferase]

This thread seems to be going in two directions...

 

...there are those who have had a bad experience, and recognize in your situation the beginnings of their own breakups, and these guys are giving you tough-guy advice, which will help to make a clean and dignified break and preserve your sense of self-worth if the situation is really terminal.

That's good advice, if that's the road you need to go.

 

...there are those who have had a wake-up call like myself, and who are struggling to hold their marriages together.

 

I totally relate to you: I relinquished responsibility in my marriage because of personal issues, and I recognized that and I've been working like crazy for the last couple of years to pull us back together. I think it's working, but it's slow progress.

I love my wife.

 

I offer my perspective only so that you don't have a confrontation and blow this marriage out of the water when you don't need to.

 

I guess it's down to your judgement as to what your situation is...

 

..is your wife being genuine and trying to find some space to think, the gym guy being incidental?

or is it your wife having serious temptation and getting everything mixed up and messy so that she can test the waters elsewhere?

 

Only you know to what degree you let your wife down, and to what degree she's also failed in the marriage, and to what degree you trust her.

And finally, if you two really make a compatible pair..

 

Good luck!

Edited March 16, 2013 by MYCluciferase

[Mr. Lucky]

...there are those who have had a wake-up call like myself, and who are struggling to hold their marriages together.

Unless you're going to lock your spouse in the basement, one person can't "hold" a marriage together. You control only your actions and your response to your partner's actions. Many guys get hung up on thinking that their noble actions or good intentions will somehow influence a separated partner who may or may not be paying attention. Most of that is wasted energy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Steadfast]

I offer my perspective only so that you don't have a confrontation and blow this marriage out of the water when you don't need to.

 

You've done nothing more than what you're claiming others did; offer your perspective from personal experience. Then you wished the OP luck.

 

He doesn't need luck. Luck is for fools. Wishing someone luck is equal to saying "That sucks. I have nothing to advise, but hope it all works out!"

 

Fact: 99% of the time, when a wife leaves, the marriage is over. Much higher percentage than men. Unlike men, who tend to act spontaneously, a wife leaving the home is often after months -or years- of contemplation. Catching up to her mindset isn't easy, but that's what I advise. Not luck.

 

Did your wife leave? Did she start to see someone else? Please tell us.

 

Coming up with reasons to leave is easy. Keeping track of someone's faults for 'future use' isn't what loving couples do. I'm reasonably certain everyone here knows what we could have done better. But, hindsight is always 20-20. Must the marriage bond be dependent on such conditions?

[Hanging on for hope]

Well, she came over today and we were able to have a nice talk. I was able to say my piece and admit to what I feel I had done wrong and wanted to improve upon. She, however, does not think that she has any issues. She feels she communicated all these issues clearly to me over the years and I did not listen. I disagree that it was clear, but did not argue to avoid any fighting. She holds alot of her feelings in and when she was upset she wants to be alone until they get bottled up and she's fine again. Either that or she would drink. Then she blamed me for all the drinking. I had always wanted to talk and figure out what was wrong. But pressing that would just make her upset.

 

Looking into her eyes while talking to her, she was not the same person she was even a month ago. She holds alot of resentment toward me. And just like her father, she will hold a grudge and be stubborn about it. She says growing up she never saw herself getting married and never wanted kids. She wants to take care of herself. I feel even if I had addressed these issues, we may still have come to this place. We did not come to a formal decision but I don't really have much hope. She will not see a counselor and thinks they are full of it. I'm assuming we are separated and headed for D. It is up to her to file.

 

I will continue to better myself and work on the issues that I admit to. Unfortunately, she will realize that her issues will follow her to the next relationship. One good thing is that we both can remain civil with each other and hopefully keep the process as drama free as possible.

[MYCluciferase]

Hanging on for hope:

 

Too bad. Sounds like my wife: "I don't have any issues, they're all yours!"

 

Steadfast:

You think my post is simple-minded or stupid... Fair enough.

I don't want to argue with you and divert the post.

 

If I wanted to be picky to you I could say that you can't start a sentence with "Fact:" and then put in a number that you've pulled out of your head at random.

However, I do agree with your intelligent assertion that it's more likely to be bad news and more often premeditated when the wife leaves. That really rings true.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm assuming we are separated and headed for D. It is up to her to file.

Why is it up to her? After being stuck in place and waiting for her to make up her mind (and it sounds like that process is ongoing), why not take control and file? It's your life also - and that should be your main concern - and you would find some satisfaction in taking control. There's also much evidence that filing would force her hand and serve as a wake up call. Right now there's no incentive for her to take responsibility for anything since she's got you on stand-by.

 

If she truly wants to take care of herself, why not let her ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hanging on for hope]

Why is it up to her? After being stuck in place and waiting for her to make up her mind (and it sounds like that process is ongoing), why not take control and file? It's your life also - and that should be your main concern - and you would find some satisfaction in taking control. There's also much evidence that filing would force her hand and serve as a wake up call. Right now there's no incentive for her to take responsibility for anything since she's got you on stand-by.

 

If she truly wants to take care of herself, why not let her ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Because it's only been a week and I'm not making any rash decisions. She may think I'm on stand by, but I'll be be bettering myself and meeting new people as well. I may get to that point someday, but right now I am giving her NC space.

[Mr. Lucky]

She may think I'm on stand by, but I'll be be bettering myself and meeting new people as well.

Will you be dating? If so you'll be acting upon separation in spirit but not in deed.

 

Hanging on for hope, separation doesn't mean divorce. It's simply a statement to an ambivalent partner that you have a place at the table that doesn't include being her back up plan while she pursues other people and objectives. Your present position of "I'll be here waiting" enables her to do things that are counter to the best interests of both you and your marriage. She should know that playing the field carries with it a price.

 

And as I said before, it can force a WS to confront what they're giving up. Many separated couples can and do reconcile...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hanging on for hope]

Will you be dating? If so you'll be acting upon separation in spirit but not in deed.

 

Hanging on for hope, separation doesn't mean divorce. It's simply a statement to an ambivalent partner that you have a place at the table that doesn't include being her back up plan while she pursues other people and objectives. Your present position of "I'll be here waiting" enables her to do things that are counter to the best interests of both you and your marriage. She should know that playing the field carries with it a price.

 

And as I said before, it can force a WS to confront what they're giving up. Many separated couples can and do reconcile...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So is your advice that I do date or that I don't? I'm a little confused.

[Mr. Lucky]

My advice would be that, if planning to date, you should separate. And be extremely upfront with candidates regarding your status...

 

Mr. Lucky