I hooked up with a married man and?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know but my spidey senses are telling me that this poster might not be the age she claims at all and I am questioning if this is really an affair, I'm afraid it might be sexual abuse.

 

If I am right, please confide in someone that can help you navigate this and see it for what it really is, which is sexual abuse, not an affair.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.

 

By 19 I was telling half the world to go eff themselves.

 

OP, how did you get in contact with your middle school teacher anyhow?

[Tracylove19]

Did you start having sex with this man when you were still in school Tracy?

 

Sorry if you've answered this previously.

 

Are you really 19 hon?

Yes I'm 19.

 

I don't get why you guys want to make this sexual abuse. It's not we were both consenting adults.

Honey, you AREN'T. There's some very deep maturity issues here.

 

I hope that you talk to one of the on-site counselors before you go through with everything so that you make the right decision for you and not under duress.

 

The MM won't talk Sh*t about you.

 

He's scared but he knew how to play your insecurities and back you into a corner.

 

Because you played his.

 

I think you NEED to tell your parents. NOW.

 

If they won't listen call a local distress line. Call someone. An aunt. A church leader. Call the new effing Pope for all I care.

 

Do not make your decision based on this controlling, predator asswipe manipulating you.

 

Find someone to talk to that has your back.

 

You ended up in this affair because you couldn't stand up to something like this. And he knew it.

I feel like my parents will react worst than he does.

Do not resume any activities with this guy. He might try for sex again once the issue gets solved.

 

His wife should find out. He's borderline creepy, and I don't know if he'd be above having sex with an underage girl. It's disturbing. You should consider telling, if not for you do it to prevent other girls from being his victims.

 

Good luck to you.

 

I don't think by how he's acting he'd ever be with me again. I should have just obeyed. I feel like things would have been easier. He's not a pedophile I know back in school he was very respectful I just meant emotionally.

Edited March 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LadyGrey]

Tracy, I'm sorry to keep asking and this is the last time I will ask.

 

How old were you when this relationship with your former teacher started? Were you still in school?

[Tracylove19]

I don't know but my spidey senses are telling me that this poster might not be the age she claims at all and I am questioning if this is really an affair, I'm afraid it might be sexual abuse.

 

If I am right, please confide in someone that can help you navigate this and see it for what it really is, which is sexual abuse, not an affair.

 

I already said I was 19 when we had the one night stand so how I that sexual abuse? It seems you don't understand 19 year olds are adults with adult minds why we have the ability to consent. Btw I'm nearly 20.

[LadyGrey]

I apologize that I missed that info. Still I feel you keep sidestepping some of this, as to if this relationship, (non sexual as you indicated started in school?

 

You have said other things that support this theory, such as your early development, etc.

 

If he had an improper relationship with you that started in school, whether it included sex or not, you have been abused. If so, I hope you seek help with that aspect of it,

 

 

I close by saying that I hope you get the counselling and the help you need in regards to having or not having this baby and just as importantly not getting yourself into such a bad spot again and hopefully in the future realizing that you are so much more valuable that what you say is going on here between this asshat and yourself. You have been so used and for that I'm so sorry.

 

 

 

I don't know but my spidey senses are telling me that this poster might not be the age she claims at all and I am questioning if this is really an affair, I'm afraid it might be sexual abuse.

 

If I am right, please confide in someone that can help you navigate this and see it for what it really is, which is sexual abuse, not an affair.

 

I already said I was 19 when we had the one night stand so how I that sexual abuse? It seems you don't understand 19 year olds are adults with adult minds why we have the ability to consent. Btw I'm nearly 20.

[LFH]

You seem willing to do almost to get him to not forget you, even violating your own beliefs and wants, when all he wants is to make this, and you go away.

You seem to crave this from him and it's often a sign exhibited by a younger person who has been victimized by someone in authority that they trust.

 

The fact that people were persistent about it was because they were concerned, not because they were trying to belittle or discredit you.

 

You're the product of your actions then in this case.

He cares nothing for you, it's obvious by his actions and you need to see that.

 

You need to realize that he just wants to make you go away.

 

I'm sorry that this has happened, I really am, but do not look to this guy for anything. He's probably ALREADY talked smack to anyone he was going to.

If you don't want to have the abortion don't.

If you do want to have the abortion do it.

But do it based on what you want, not his manipulations, not to get something out of him, but because of your belief system.

 

Good luck.

[Got it]

I can't really imagine what happens if I kept it honestly like I don't have money or a place outside of my parents. Idk really about raising a baby I don't know ****. Adoption would seem ok if I don't think about it and the road there what my family friends his family all think know and say about and to me. I feel like it'll be a living hell. Abortion, at this point, I'll have to make peace with what I'm going to do maybe later on when I have more kids and I can prove I'm not that bad of a mom for doing this. Maybe I can forget about it. It'll only be less than 2 months pregnant anyhow. I know emotionally idk how that's going to work but logically I at least don't have to worry about all of the above I can nip this in the bud now as far as the negative side to this. Eventually, I have to get over what I did life goes on right?

 

 

I want to be an actress.

 

And no I meant that I looked older. I've actually always been flat chested. Anyway we didn't have sec until I was 19

 

Yeah that's my problem even through it all I still feel like a child is anything under 18 which includes the unborn

 

 

 

 

 

I have more to say but all ill say is I wasn't planing to have a baby for him but an abortion. And I guess your advice really has led me to be stuck with making a decision. But, that's life.

 

Tracy - I know, it is a sucky situation with sucky solutions. Obviously there is no perfect one. Right now what you are working through is which is the least sucky solution, what in the long term will you have the most peace with and take a chance and see how it pans out. Let me know if the below is a clear representation on how you feel on each solution and tweak them as needed. Just kind of a "cheat sheet" of the pros and cons.

 

Abortion - morally it doesn't sit well with you and you are against it. But it would resolve the problem in the shortest amount of time. The unknown is how the decision will way on you long term with it being a moral/ethical issue. Paying for it is a minor issues but this would resolve the issues with your parents and/or them finding out. This would leave your life, outwardly, unchanged looking. You need to reconcile emotional and mentally how this will feel.

 

Adoption - This would require carrying the child to term but would not leave you with long term care. This would allow the child to be born but would go to another family. Emotionally this would sit better with your moral/ethical views but unknown would be how you would feel about giving the child up. The fact that you are pregnant would be known and would have to address how the father feels (as he does have a right to ask for custody of the child before giving it up for adoption) and any consequences in regards to that and then reconciling with your parents and their thoughts with that. You would also need to look at medical care (not sure if you have insurance now and whether you would have adoptive parents who will take care of these expenses) and your lifestyle for the health of the child. Also the financial dependence on your parents and the unknown on their feelings about the pregnancy and their continued care of you. If you are working, how the pregnancy will impact your job, if you qualify for FMLA, and whether you can work to term, etc. And finally how emotionally you will feel about this and whether you can commit to the child while in utero and working through the emotions tied to the before and after.

 

Keeping the baby - This would require carrying the child to term and would leave you with the long term care. This would allow the child to be born. Emotionally this would sit better with your moral/ethical views but unknown would be how you would feel about the responsibility of raising the child and taking care of his/her needs. The fact that you are pregnant would be known and would have to address how the father feels (as he does have a right to ask for custody of the child and/or visitation) and any consequences in regards to that and then reconciling with your parents and their thoughts with that. You would also need to look at medical care for you during the pregnancy and then for you and your child afterwards and your lifestyle for the health of the child. Also the financial dependence on your parents and the unknown on their feelings about the pregnancy and their continued care of you. If you are working, how the pregnancy will impact your job, if you qualify for FMLA, and whether you can work to term, etc. And then working, and earning a living wage after you have the child. You would be able to, and SHOULD claim child support from him. And finally how emotionally you will feel about this and whether you can commit to the child while in utero, after birth and through through their childhood. And working through the emotions tied to the before and after. There are many many joys but there are sacrifices as well. It will mature you at a rate that you wouldn't have before and your life becomes about this one individual. But, you will need to deal with anything from the father, his rights, and potential shared custody, dealing with a BS and her feelings on it, their care of the child, etc.

[Tracylove19]

I don't regret it

 

Legally I'm not a child for a reason. I wasn't taken advantage of I am as guilty as he is I don't really mind.

[Got it]

Okay, you are not a child and weren't a child. You are an adult. So as an adult what is the best and mature decision to make? You know the facts, you know the pros and cons, what are you going to do? (((((Tracy))))))

[Tracylove19]

Okay, you are not a child and weren't a child. You are an adult. So as an adult what is the best and mature decision to make? You know the facts, you know the pros and cons, what are you going to do? (((((Tracy))))))

 

I made my decision already.

I'm ok with it.

I haven't heard from him since.

It's over.

[AnotherRound]

I so hope that you made the decision for you and not for him. Having an abortion is a huge decision - as is having a child. Not one to be based on anyone but you - and one that (either way) you will live with for the rest of your life.

 

Regardless of what you've decided to do, I hope that you are at peace with it. It is definitely a tough situation to be in, and I know that you probably have some regrets about it, but also some happiness since you state that you do love him.

 

I am also concerned that he had a relationship with you when you were in 8th grade (even though it wasn't sexual). It sounds to me like he has very poor boundaries and for a teacher, that's very concerning.

 

I hope that all works out for you...

[BetrayedH]

I made my decision already.

I'm ok with it.

I haven't heard from him since.

It's over.

 

Based on what you've told us here, if you have an abortion, you're going to regret it.

[Tracylove19]

I decided to keep it.

I meant its over with him.

He doesn't want to hear from me.

So we're not talking.

[LFH]

I decided to keep it.

I meant its over with him.

He doesn't want to hear from me.

So we're not talking.

 

Good luck. I wish both you and your baby well. I hope you find a strong support system who is able to assist you, that your parents are accepting and that you are able to move past this and embrace your new life that includes a child.

[Got it]

Tracy, I am glad that you came to a decision. Have you thought about the other questions tied to keeping it and what your plan is? Telling your parents, finances, the baby's legal rights, etc. Remember that child support isn't for you, it is what is owed to the child and should be collected from the other parent. Even if you put it away in a fund till they are an adult, it is their right to have.

[Tracylove19]

They don't know.

And so what I'm an exhibitionist. Now what.

Edited March 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[threelaurels]

I decided to keep it.

I meant its over with him.

He doesn't want to hear from me.

So we're not talking.

 

You should keep records of any past phone calls/texts if you have them still. You should also keep records of any future communications with him. Document everything. You can use them in court should you file for child support from him, should he try to seek custody of the child, should he try to have the child taken away from you for being an unfit mother, or anything else underhand he might try.

 

You may have to co-parent (shared custody) with him and his wife should they decide they want to be a part of the child's life. I don't think this is likely in your case, but, since it's a possibility, you should try to keep your conversations with him civil and professional from now on, even though it may be hard.

 

I would also suggest that you start looking for a job if you don't have one already. Many places will hire you with little experience because you are pregnant and they know you need the money.

 

Last, make sure you see a doctor ASAP to get started with pregnancy planning. You need to start taking prenatal vitamins for the health of yourself and the baby.

[ComingInHot]

You have decided to have the baby.

Are you considering adoption at all?

 

 

Do you have or are beginning to formulate a plan either way?

[threelaurels]

WHO is going to financially support this child? WHO is going to parent this child?

 

Your parents are NOT financially responsible NOR should they be made to become 'parents' again because of your actions.

 

For all those that are cheering her for not having an abortion - how is this child going to be raised? Fed? Clothed? The OP has NO money and NO support. Exactly what is great for this child???

 

How sad.

 

Millions of women have abortions - millions don't regret it. If you are choosing to have the baby and put it up for adoption - great. If you are choosing to have it, I am so sad for this baby. I think you are having it to keep this MM tied to you.

 

I am personally pro-choice and think abortion/adoption would be the best for everyone involved, but there is little anyone can do if she decides to have the child. I hope that a conversation with her parents convinces her this is also the right decision. They have more weight in this situation than anyone here.

 

The future is not bright for OP or the child if she chooses to have the baby. If her parents do not support her, she will have to find a way on her own. She can force the father to pay child support, but it will be a lengthy process to get him to accept paternity. She will probably have to take him to court for a DNA test.

 

Not to mention, the father is unlikely to have a job if people find out about this, meaning there won't even be money for child support. His actions were completely inappropriate for someone in his position to do with a (recently) former student. I cannot imagine very many people want this guy teaching their children.

 

On top of that, he will have even less money if his wife divorces him. He will have to pay lawyer fees and alimony. Relying on child support payments alone to raise this child is a mistake.

 

OP will probably have to go on welfare or get food stamps without parental financial support. If she is lucky, her parents will babysit the child while she attends college classes to get a degree.

 

I hope the parents talk some sense into her, but, like I said, she can choose to do what she wants.

[Tracylove19]

I don't plan to tell until I'm showing.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Bad we're not talking.

And no he's getting fired for having an affair with a consenting adult.

I'm not unfit because I slept with a married man. My IQ is 168. So no I'm not a recent former student. I'm an adult. There's nothing childish about 19 I'm almost 20. The only thing we can't do is drink. In fact, he was drunk. I technically seduced him.

[Lillyfree]

I don't plan to tell until I'm showing.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Bad we're not talking.

And no he's getting fired for having an affair with a consenting adult.

I'm not unfit because I slept with a married man. My IQ is 168. So no I'm not a recent former student. I'm an adult. There's nothing childish about 19 I'm almost 20. The only thing we can't do is drink. In fact, he was drunk. I technically seduced him.

 

if you're an adult, why are you afraid to tell your parents?

[Got it]

What? No, it is not 'their right to have'. It is to be used to give the child a decent standard of living. The reason most states base it on the father's income is so that the child can live in a standard similar to the more well-off parent. It is NOT a savings account for the child, in any way.

 

TL19, I think it's noble that you didn't have an abortion and go against your beliefs. They aren't mine, but this is your situation, not mine. I also hope you keep adoption open as an option for you. There are wonderful couples waiting sometimes years for a baby.

 

You should make sure his wife knows now. The last thing you need is her finding out 2 weeks before you're due. You don't need a crazy woman stalking you at the hospital.

 

How did the scum..er..father, take it?

 

Seething, yes it is their right to have because it goes to their care. Now if a woman is in a situation where she doesn't need the money for the care of the kid it doesn't excuse the father from still providing it. There is NO law in any state that mandates that the money has to be used if the care of the child is considered appropriate by the state. You are assuming that the mother is not/can not provide for the child as well as the father. That is not the facts in all situations.

 

A mother is more than in her right to put the money aside for the child to use at their discretion at a later date if the standard of care is acceptable. I know of a few women with good careers whom do not need the child support monies for their children so they actually have it rolled over into a college fund.

[Got it]

I don't plan to tell until I'm showing.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Bad we're not talking.

And no he's getting fired for having an affair with a consenting adult.

I'm not unfit because I slept with a married man. My IQ is 168. So no I'm not a recent former student. I'm an adult. There's nothing childish about 19 I'm almost 20. The only thing we can't do is drink. In fact, he was drunk. I technically seduced him.

 

Tracy, I hope you understand that there is little "I will figure it out eventually". You need to figure it out now. You are in a dire situation and you are assuming a HUGE responsibility keeping this child. You keep saying your adult so man up and start acting with the appropriate maturity and logic. You can't hide this or push it away forever. Be an adult and start figuring out your situation. Right now, you are acting like a child.

[threelaurels]

I don't plan to tell until I'm showing.

I'll figure it out eventually.

Bad we're not talking.

And no he's getting fired for having an affair with a consenting adult.

I'm not unfit because I slept with a married man. My IQ is 168. So no I'm not a recent former student. I'm an adult. There's nothing childish about 19 I'm almost 20. The only thing we can't do is drink. In fact, he was drunk. I technically seduced him.

 

Having an affair is often grounds for being fired in itself. It happens all the time. The fact that he chose to sleep with someone who was once his student only makes the situation look worse for him.

 

Your IQ has nothing to do with your abilities as a parent. I am not saying you're an unfit mother; I'm saying he may claim you are if he has a vested interest in either getting custody of the child or stopping you from raising it.

 

How drunk was he?

[LFH]

I would also suggest that you start looking for a job if you don't have one already. Many places will hire you with little experience because you are pregnant and they know you need the money.

The bolded is actually not true, in fact the reverse is often the case. I'd never say it outloud because of discrimination suits, etc, but I'd never hire an untrained pregnant girl. Why should I invest the time to train her, so that when she is actually competent enough to do the job I hired her for she's going to take off at least 6 weeks that I'd need a temp, and then there's the risk she'll like being a mommy so much she won't even come back to do the job.

People don't own businesses to support other people. They own businesses to make money. I'd strongly encourage the OP to get a job BEFORE she starts to show and to NOT mention it. In the US it's against the law to ask. And rightly so (see my response above)

 

WHO is going to financially support this child? WHO is going to parent this child?

 

Your parents are NOT financially responsible NOR should they be made to become 'parents' again because of your actions.

 

For all those that are cheering her for not having an abortion - how is this child going to be raised? Fed? Clothed? The OP has NO money and NO support. Exactly what is great for this child???

 

How sad.

 

Millions of women have abortions - millions don't regret it. If you are choosing to have the baby and put it up for adoption - great. If you are choosing to have it, I am so sad for this baby. I think you are having it to keep this MM tied to you.

 

Um.. she is going to support this child hopefully and parent it.

I'm pro-choice. I think she should have had the abortion, but it's not my call to make. I believe every child should be a wanted child and this one doesn't sound like anyone wants it... but that could change. I hope that changes.

 

Her parents don't have to support the child and I hope they don't. She needs to grow up and realize that when you make choices that you have to deal with the repercussions.

 

Now, I think she's going to realize very soon what she's in for and I hope very soon she'll start to do the things she needs to. Starting with not trying to hide this from mommy and daddy.

But in fact, many women at 19 years old have children. OP states she's an adult and she's right. Why woudln't she parent this baby?

Many 19 year olds don't have money, many don't have support and many of them do JUST fine, they figure it out and work hard to make things better. They actually act like an adult and take the actions necessary.

 

Life is not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun and games and her "party time" years are over already. She'll be ok if she realizes that and that the games that are being played aren't going to work. Time to be the adult you keep insisting you are.