I don't know what i'm doing anymore

[David]

hi everybody. i'm a little confused and need some good advise.

 

about 4 weeks ago i split up with my girlfriend. it was my decision. she is the most beautiful person, so giving and loving and true, and we had an excellent relationship. my problem though was male territorial, primitive brain crap. we were doing a 'chastity' quiz game on the computer a long time ago, and there was a part to do with one night stands. i was shocked to see she put down that she's had 3. i didn't expect she would have for some reason. i've never had a one-night stand myself and she's been with a few more people than me. i don't know if it's made me feel i can't compete with her sexual history, or if, like i said i'm being territorial in wishing i had of discovered her myself or insecure or what. i don't think any less of her at all. she is a fantastic girl. but it really got to me for some reason, so much that i felt i had to break up with her. we talked about it a couple of times but i don't know why it gets to me so much. i know she loves me deeply but i can't get past this crap.

 

i know it was irrational, but i think i've doen the right thing in not letting it affect our relationship.

 

i'm so confused because i've recently met a girl that i've started seeing and i don't know if it's to distract me from my ex or because i want to be with someone without having these stupid feelings i had with my ex. i just don't know what i'm doing. she's a nice girl though, maybe that's why i know her. i don't know. my ex found out about this and is so gutted by it. i feel so bad, but i've told her that we cannot get back together. she said she is hurt that i have "written her off" like that and doesn't know why we both don't deserve another chance. she was teh best girlfriend a guy could ever be lucky to have. she said that how can us making love even compare to anything we've ever done before we met, that us making love makes anything we've ever done before fade into nothing. i know it's my loss, but with my idiocy, i didn't think i had much of a choice.

 

i miss my ex a lot and it's just not the same without her. it hurts not being with her, but I really feel this is the best thing for both of us. I just don't know why it bothered me so much.

 

all i know now though, is that i have totaly broken her heart. she is devestated. i really love her and she really loves me and she can't understand why i did this. am i being selfish? she said she doesn't want to be friends because it would be torture for her and she feels insulted that i can accept her as a friend , but not as a girlfriend. is this a common thing for guys? i just don't know what i'm doing anymore.

[sparkle]

First of all, this girl sounds like a WONDERFUL girl...a complete sweetheart for not being the one to dump you!

 

Many other girls would be the one dumping the guy if he acted like this.

 

You were very lucky. You found this great girl. Honestly, I think it was a mistake to break up with her. Well it was bad for you because you just lost this wonderful girl. But it was good for her because now she can find a better guy, who will understand and who will not judge her by her past.

 

I don't know how old you two are, but chances are, MANY people you'll meet in the future will HAVE A PAST.

 

If you're worried that she might have some STD from these 3 guys she slept with, that's a different issue. Even if that's what it was, I'm sure she wouldn't mind going to doctor and getting tested...and re-tested.

 

But that's not the issue. It's that she's more experienced than you, and it makes you feel insecure about your own performance. But let me tell you, and read this closely:

 

There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between "just sex" and "making love".

 

A girl could have sex with a guy (like her 3 1-nt-stands) and it wouldn't mean anything to her. But when she loves a guy and she makes love to him, it's a whole new experience and feeling for her. You can't even begin to compare the two.

 

For example, take the feelings you have for this girl and for the girl you're dating currently. Do you think having sex with the current chick and making love to your ex-gf are comparable?

 

I think once you're able to accept her past and realize that she's not going to judge you or think that you're inexperienced at making love, maybe you need to reconsider.

 

Hopefully, you'll make up your mind really quickly and still have time to apologize to her and ask her for another chance. An amazing girl like this won't be around forever.

 

Good luck.

[Dragonflys]

David

 

Mate, listen to this advice, you could not get it expressed better.

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i know it was irrational, but i think i've doen the right thing in not letting it affect our relationship."

 

You write that it's not affecting your relationship...DUH...didn't you say you broke up with her? It sounds like it totally destroyed your relationship. Of course, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

 

I think you are nuts, insane, daft, dizzy...there aren't enough adjectives to describe what you are.

 

You are turning away what is probably the BEST relationship you will ever have in your life because of some crazy, dorky thinking on your part. Let me tell you, bub, you're damned lucky you had a lady that was honest with you and had only three one night stands. There are many who won't tell you a word, won't tell you the truth, who have done it dozens of times.

 

Are you being selfish? Not at all. You are being crazy. You are denying yourself a lifetime of great happiness because of a thought process that is so warped you couldn't teach voting in Palm Beach County.

 

You say you don't know what you're doing anymore...WRONG...you didn't know what you were doing before either.

 

Take a really cold shower, dry off, put on some nice clothes, put on a little cologne, give this girl a call and tell her you got your sense back and you don't want to give up the best thing you ever had in your life. Meet with her, let her know just how stupid your judgement was, and see if she'll take you back and work things out.

 

Do this right now...don't wait...call her NOW...I don't even care what time it is. If you don't, you will NEVER forgive yourself all the days of your life.

 

Once you straighten that out, get some counselling for these little minor head things that have the potential for screwing your life all to hell. The craziest thing is that you even admit to idiocy.

 

I gotta think there's more going on here. You couldn't possibly be this nuts. You are probably scared of committment because this girl is so wonderful. Forget the fear. Listen to me...you may never find another like her. Call her now...then come back and post and let us know what she says.

 

Geeeezzzzz!!!!

[David]

I'm the first to admit i'm a wanker, but what if i always have these damn thoughts in the back of my head? i know i should be grateful for her honesty, but i wish we never played that stupid game. i wish i didnt' know.

 

i'm worried that if i go back to her, i still won't be able to get them out of my head and what if the relationship becomes stale or we end up fighting? i just don't feel she deserves to be put through crap like that. images and everything are playing with my mind and i think i need to be hit over the head with a shovel.

 

i think that's why i'm with this other person now. so i don't have to think about her with other guys and i can try and get over what was, in the whole scheme of things, a great relationship and a great girl. i realize i will probably never have a girl like her again, but i feel that's a risk i should have to take. s***e. i don't know. i don't want to screw things up for her in the long run and i made it clear to her it's over and that's what kills her. we've never split up before and she feels she has been robbed of the one thing that made her so happy. but i don't want to rob her of happiness again if i can't get this head of mine unscrewed. i just couldn't do that to her and i know i'm being narrow minded, but i'm not comfortable enough to see a counsellor. it just doesn't sit with me right at all to admit this ##### face to face with someone. what if i can never get this out of my head and i hurt her again??? what do i do then?? that would be so unkind to her.

YOU WRITE: "i know it was irrational, but i think i've doen the right thing in not letting it affect our relationship." You write that it's not affecting your relationship...DUH...didn't you say you broke up with her? It sounds like it totally destroyed your relationship. Of course, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. I think you are nuts, insane, daft, dizzy...there aren't enough adjectives to describe what you are. You are turning away what is probably the BEST relationship you will ever have in your life because of some crazy, dorky thinking on your part. Let me tell you, bub, you're damned lucky you had a lady that was honest with you and had only three one night stands. There are many who won't tell you a word, won't tell you the truth, who have done it dozens of times. Are you being selfish? Not at all. You are being crazy. You are denying yourself a lifetime of great happiness because of a thought process that is so warped you couldn't teach voting in Palm Beach County. You say you don't know what you're doing anymore...WRONG...you didn't know what you were doing before either. Take a really cold shower, dry off, put on some nice clothes, put on a little cologne, give this girl a call and tell her you got your sense back and you don't want to give up the best thing you ever had in your life. Meet with her, let her know just how stupid your judgement was, and see if she'll take you back and work things out.

 

Do this right now...don't wait...call her NOW...I don't even care what time it is. If you don't, you will NEVER forgive yourself all the days of your life. Once you straighten that out, get some counselling for these little minor head things that have the potential for screwing your life all to hell. The craziest thing is that you even admit to idiocy.

 

I gotta think there's more going on here. You couldn't possibly be this nuts. You are probably scared of committment because this girl is so wonderful. Forget the fear. Listen to me...you may never find another like her. Call her now...then come back and post and let us know what she says.

 

Geeeezzzzz!!!!

[Nic]

David,

 

I read these posts, every one of them, and i wholeheartedly agree with every single word.

 

i have been in a situation very similar to this myself, and i will be the first to tell you, it is TOTALLY UNFAIR on this girl. as far as i'm concerned, you are punishing this poor girl because of your own idiocy. she loves YOU for god's sake and no one else, right? and sparkle is so right in saying that sex is absolutely nothing compared to making love. so please try and get that through your head ok?!

 

one of my closest friends and I have been in a situation like this (he'd slept with around 14 girls, and she'd been with around 7). WHOOPDEE ****ING DOO!!!! that is double-standards and having been there myself along with my friend, it feels like punishment, it is degrading, it is beyond crazy. my past is just as piddly as your ex's but i bet i can put my money on it that she doesn't even think about these people, doesn't give a damn about them, and i know i can say i don't even remember what their bodies were like and i don't care, so stop feeling so insecure if you are. get over it!!! she is!!!

 

i think you're being incredibly unfair to her, and yourself. you are a self-confessed wanker, so what are you doing then?!

 

i'm very passionate about this post having been there once myself and you really need to wake up to yourself. i don't know what to say about you being afraid that it will always be on your mind, but i think if you really wanted this girl bad enough, you could have stuck it out instead of trying to get over her. you seem very pessimistic, which is a bit of a worry. i wish my ex had of stuck it out, because things like this stick with you for a long time.

 

you decide where you want your future to take you. it's just a shame she really has no say in it. just don't mess around with her feelings more than you already have. and you'll be the big time loser in the long run, but i think you already know that, and that's what i just don't understand about guys who think like you.

I'm the first to admit i'm a wanker, but what if i always have these damn thoughts in the back of my head? i know i should be grateful for her honesty, but i wish we never played that stupid game. i wish i didnt' know. i'm worried that if i go back to her, i still won't be able to get them out of my head and what if the relationship becomes stale or we end up fighting? i just don't feel she deserves to be put through crap like that. images and everything are playing with my mind and i think i need to be hit over the head with a shovel. i think that's why i'm with this other person now. so i don't have to think about her with other guys and i can try and get over what was, in the whole scheme of things, a great relationship and a great girl. i realize i will probably never have a girl like her again, but i feel that's a risk i should have to take. s***e. i don't know. i don't want to screw things up for her in the long run and i made it clear to her it's over and that's what kills her. we've never split up before and she feels she has been robbed of the one thing that made her so happy. but i don't want to rob her of happiness again if i can't get this head of mine unscrewed. i just couldn't do that to her and i know i'm being narrow minded, but i'm not comfortable enough to see a counsellor. it just doesn't sit with me right at all to admit this ##### face to face with someone. what if i can never get this out of my head and i hurt her again??? what do i do then?? that would be so unkind to her.

[Tony T]

You are probably right. I am almost convinced at this point that your ex doesn't deserve a guy who's so out of control of his mind and his feelings he would just toss such a wonderful thing into the sewer.

 

Yeah, she'll find someone a whole lot better.

[kimmi]

I'm the first to admit i'm a wanker, but what if i always have these damn thoughts in the back of my head? i know i should be grateful for her honesty, but i wish we never played that stupid game. i wish i didnt' know. i'm worried that if i go back to her, i still won't be able to get them out of my head and what if the relationship becomes stale or we end up fighting? i just don't feel she deserves to be put through crap like that. images and everything are playing with my mind and i think i need to be hit over the head with a shovel. i think that's why i'm with this other person now. so i don't have to think about her with other guys and i can try and get over what was, in the whole scheme of things, a great relationship and a great girl. i realize i will probably never have a girl like her again, but i feel that's a risk i should have to take. s***e. i don't know. i don't want to screw things up for her in the long run and i made it clear to her it's over and that's what kills her. we've never split up before and she feels she has been robbed of the one thing that made her so happy. but i don't want to rob her of happiness again if i can't get this head of mine unscrewed. i just couldn't do that to her and i know i'm being narrow minded, but i'm not comfortable enough to see a counsellor. it just doesn't sit with me right at all to admit this ##### face to face with someone. what if i can never get this out of my head and i hurt her again??? what do i do then?? that would be so unkind to her.

personally i think that you do not really want ot go back to her and that you need someone to say that what you have done was ok.

 

it's not ok that you hurt someone for being honest, why should girls in your life be honest with you if you can not be open enough to except the facts.

 

she did not have to tell you anything!!!!!! but apart of a healthy relationship is honesty. you can not pay her back by hurting her..

 

i think you should just open yourself and tell her that you really do not want to be with her. it is quite clear that you do not want to be, ( you can only except her as a friend) well she does not want that she wants all of you,

 

another point about relationships and friends, do people not consider their parteners as friends anymore? i mean before sex you should be open enough and beable to always be their friend.

 

kim

[David]

i do want to be with her, but i'm afraid of f***ing it up if i do go back. what i mean is, if i can't get this stuff out of my head, it will only be harder for her down the track, and what would we do then? i don't want to put her through more misery. she's too good for that. she doesn't want to be my friend because she is insulted that i could accept her as a friend, but couldn't handle this in a relationship. she said being friends doesn't change what she did in her past, it doesn't change who she is now, and feels it very unfair htat i want her as a friend and not a girlfriend, just to "satisfy my own selfish needs" as she put it.

 

i think what it boils down to is me coming to terms with this or not and not putting crap on her whilst trying to do it, even though i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i guess only time will tell and it will be my loss if i can't figure this out for her. she's such a great person.

personally i think that you do not really want ot go back to her and that you need someone to say that what you have done was ok. it's not ok that you hurt someone for being honest, why should girls in your life be honest with you if you can not be open enough to except the facts. she did not have to tell you anything!!!!!! but apart of a healthy relationship is honesty. you can not pay her back by hurting her.. i think you should just open yourself and tell her that you really do not want to be with her. it is quite clear that you do not want to be, ( you can only except her as a friend) well she does not want that she wants all of you, another point about relationships and friends, do people not consider their parteners as friends anymore? i mean before sex you should be open enough and beable to always be their friend. kim

[Kareem]

I know exactly how you feel David. I'm in basically the same position. I have had only one partner, and she has had 7 (including me, so she says). A couple weeks ago I ran into one of her friends now an enemy and we were talkin about why her and my gf don't get along anymore. Well one thing led to another and she stated that my gf slept with 12 guys. And I didn't want to believe her but it's now in the back of my mind. Maybe she had a lot of one night stands and didn't count them. Maybe my gf shortened the number to spare my feelings cause she knew I was a virgin. She offered to name them all for me, i stopped her short of that so I dunno. I haven't brought it up to my gf, but it does bother me when I think about it. Anyways, it's hard for me to think about her with other guys.

 

You should appreciate that she didn't lie to you. Everytime I'm with my gf, i realize I have a great thing and she is who she is because of her past. And thanks to all the a**h***s in her past, i seem like a great catch. Damn, what a lucky guy

[David]

it's weird hey? i've never heard of a girl getting like this, but us guys do. i suppose i should try hard to count my blessings. i'm gonna have to work on this. i think i really need to grow up. we'll see what happens......

I know exactly how you feel David. I'm in basically the same position. I have had only one partner, and she has had 7 (including me, so she says). A couple weeks ago I ran into one of her friends now an enemy and we were talkin about why her and my gf don't get along anymore. Well one thing led to another and she stated that my gf slept with 12 guys. And I didn't want to believe her but it's now in the back of my mind. Maybe she had a lot of one night stands and didn't count them. Maybe my gf shortened the number to spare my feelings cause she knew I was a virgin. She offered to name them all for me, i stopped her short of that so I dunno. I haven't brought it up to my gf, but it does bother me when I think about it. Anyways, it's hard for me to think about her with other guys. You should appreciate that she didn't lie to you. Everytime I'm with my gf, i realize I have a great thing and she is who she is because of her past. And thanks to all the a**h***s in her past, i seem like a great catch. Damn, what a lucky guy

[sparkle]

First of all, to Kareem. This girl's her enemy. It was pretty unfair of you to even carry on a conversation with her and then top it off with getting info about her past, which is her personal, private information. And who would know better about what your girlfriend has done--herself or this enemy of hers?

about it. Anyways, it's hard for me to think about her with other guys.

Now, to both of you. Please give this a lot of thought. Look at what you have right there in front of you. Most people aren't that lucky. There are many people out there who can't even get a date. Then, out of those who do meet someone, the person turns out to be a jerk. But a few actually meet someone great (LIKE YOU TOO) and then they blow it cause they don't appreciate how lucky they are.

 

These girls did stuff in their past. And you say it's hard for you to think about what they did with other guys. These girls did NOT know you back then. How would they know they would meet a guy like you one day?? They didn't know this! They didn't know they'd meet you! This was before you came along, and it should stay in the past. Maybe it was a total mistake on their part, and even then, you're just making it worse by blowing up something they regret and rubbing it in their face with it.

 

The only reason it should be an issue is because of any concern for a sexually transmitted disease.

[Nic]

i agree 100% with you sparkle. what these guys are doing, is in effect, rubbing it in their face, when these girls have done nothing wrong to these guys. it would be different if they had one night stands while in the relationship. there would be every reason for it to be a big issue.

 

and how true - they didn't know that you guys would end up in their life, so be bloody thankful they FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! they are not repeating this behaviour so stop making them feel guilty over something that is has no relevance to now, and appreciate all the beauty in them and stop focusing on something so trivial before you start to look at them as something they're not. and david, i think you've done the ultimate in rubbing her face in it. i feel really sorry for your ex, when all she did with you was fall in love with you. how is that so bad??

First of all, to Kareem. This girl's her enemy. It was pretty unfair of you to even carry on a conversation with her and then top it off with getting info about her past, which is her personal, private information. And who would know better about what your girlfriend has done--herself or this enemy of hers? Now, to both of you. Please give this a lot of thought. Look at what you have right there in front of you. Most people aren't that lucky. There are many people out there who can't even get a date. Then, out of those who do meet someone, the person turns out to be a jerk. But a few actually meet someone great (LIKE YOU TOO) and then they blow it cause they don't appreciate how lucky they are. These girls did stuff in their past. And you say it's hard for you to think about what they did with other guys. These girls did NOT know you back then. How would they know they would meet a guy like you one day?? They didn't know this! They didn't know they'd meet you! This was before you came along, and it should stay in the past. Maybe it was a total mistake on their part, and even then, you're just making it worse by blowing up something they regret and rubbing it in their face with it. The only reason it should be an issue is because of any concern for a sexually transmitted disease.

[David]

There were never any STD's involved. she offered numerous times to get tests to prove that she was safe because she had an idea it played on my mind. there were times i would freak if i had a bit of red penis or it was dry. i knew she could sense this and it must have made her feel like #####. my only concern is that if she was really drunk one of these times, how does she know she used a condom? she said she knows because it's one of the few things she remembers about that night and she's not a careless idiot. and then i started picturing her with a guy putting on a condom etc.....

First of all, to Kareem. This girl's her enemy. It was pretty unfair of you to even carry on a conversation with her and then top it off with getting info about her past, which is her personal, private information. And who would know better about what your girlfriend has done--herself or this enemy of hers? Now, to both of you. Please give this a lot of thought. Look at what you have right there in front of you. Most people aren't that lucky. There are many people out there who can't even get a date. Then, out of those who do meet someone, the person turns out to be a jerk. But a few actually meet someone great (LIKE YOU TOO) and then they blow it cause they don't appreciate how lucky they are. These girls did stuff in their past. And you say it's hard for you to think about what they did with other guys. These girls did NOT know you back then. How would they know they would meet a guy like you one day?? They didn't know this! They didn't know they'd meet you! This was before you came along, and it should stay in the past. Maybe it was a total mistake on their part, and even then, you're just making it worse by blowing up something they regret and rubbing it in their face with it. The only reason it should be an issue is because of any concern for a sexually transmitted disease.

[Heather]

All I have to say is GROW UP!

[Deejette]

It's amazing that this girl could even like you after you dimissed her for having a life before you came along. I would have dumped you flat and moved on, because you have shown that you know very little about love: How to show it, how to feel it, and how to live it.

 

Judging and condemning this girl is hate, not love, and what you did to her by dumping her was just plain mean. I don't think you should even mess up her life by trying to get back with her. She will get to the point where she will realize how unloving you were to her and her broken heart will sing that she is finally free from this false love.

 

When she finds herself in the arms of a warm, compassionate man who is devoted to her for the person she is here and now, she will feel the secure happiness of true love. Swhe will then say to herself, "What was I thinking?"

I know exactly how you feel David. I'm in basically the same position. I have had only one partner, and she has had 7 (including me, so she says). A couple weeks ago I ran into one of her friends now an enemy and we were talkin about why her and my gf don't get along anymore. Well one thing led to another and she stated that my gf slept with 12 guys. And I didn't want to believe her but it's now in the back of my mind. Maybe she had a lot of one night stands and didn't count them. Maybe my gf shortened the number to spare my feelings cause she knew I was a virgin. She offered to name them all for me, i stopped her short of that so I dunno. I haven't brought it up to my gf, but it does bother me when I think about it. Anyways, it's hard for me to think about her with other guys. You should appreciate that she didn't lie to you. Everytime I'm with my gf, i realize I have a great thing and she is who she is because of her past. And thanks to all the a**h***s in her past, i seem like a great catch. Damn, what a lucky guy

[Kareem]

Yes, it was her enemy, but it used to be her friend a couple months before. I didn't bring up the stuff from her past, she did.

 

It's still hard to imagine your girlfriend with another guy. I do need to grow up and maybe I need to have more partners. She understands the fact that i've only had her and knows that a time may come when I want to see what else is out there. She said she's just going to be happy with what she has right at this moment and see what happens in the future.

 

Nevermind, that had nothing to do with the thread.

First of all, to Kareem. This girl's her enemy. It was pretty unfair of you to even carry on a conversation with her and then top it off with getting info about her past, which is her personal, private information. And who would know better about what your girlfriend has done--herself or this enemy of hers? Now, to both of you. Please give this a lot of thought. Look at what you have right there in front of you. Most people aren't that lucky. There are many people out there who can't even get a date. Then, out of those who do meet someone, the person turns out to be a jerk. But a few actually meet someone great (LIKE YOU TOO) and then they blow it cause they don't appreciate how lucky they are. These girls did stuff in their past. And you say it's hard for you to think about what they did with other guys. These girls did NOT know you back then. How would they know they would meet a guy like you one day?? They didn't know this! They didn't know they'd meet you! This was before you came along, and it should stay in the past. Maybe it was a total mistake on their part, and even then, you're just making it worse by blowing up something they regret and rubbing it in their face with it. The only reason it should be an issue is because of any concern for a sexually transmitted disease.