Crushing and venting it

[RoseRykon]

I’ll try to make this as short as possible and make it sound correct and stuff. So much for a first post…and I’m sorry if my first is literally me just venting. Here I go:

 

 

In the beginning of Senior year, I was a bit shelled up mostly due to the fact that I don’t respond well when presented with big changes (I.E: I sweat, I don’t talk very loudly, and I definitely seem nervous and serious) so it was pretty normal that I kept to myself in most, if not all classes and clung onto those who I knew somewhat well (Not really proud of that). Then one thing led to another, and a little bit more down the line in senior year, I finally opened up again and made a few friends as a result. More notably, two guys in my English class. One of the guys was a previous acquaintance I fell out of touch with for two years, so I knew him somewhat well and had barely any difficulty speaking to him. The other guy, however, I never spoke to him or even dared to look at him, but I’ve previously had him for an English class so I at least knew his name. He was the outgoing type. Very awkward, quirky, and silly. Obviously, he intimidated me a bit. But after a while, he began to talk to me, ask me casual questions, and try his best to include me within the activities he and the other guy usually did (both of them seem to be best friends as I see it). At last, I finally felt a little more comfortable in that class and eventually in others.

 

During that time, I was in an online relationship with a guy a state away from me. We were pretty close and he would often spend his time texting me and making sure I was given attention, love, etc. At first I seemed a little hesitant while being with him and often found myself restraining any potential ‘hard’ feelings for him, but I eventually softened up with time. Sooner or later it had to end, and it did when I finally became emotionally stuck on him. When it ended, I didn’t take it as hard as I did with a previous love of mine, but I did feel a big sense of loss and overall numbness. It was as if nothing else really mattered to me, just as long as I was able to wake up the next morning in peace. When I returned to school (this break up happened during winter break where I was already alone at home, which made things worse), I had a hard time concentrating and an even more harder time communicating with anyone in a casual level. I always found myself at least trying to morph a conversation towards the breakup, which was wrong in my part…so I pretty much found myself building a wall in order to protect and let myself heal from such a loss. Yeah, I know…its an internet relationship thing, but feelings are still feelings. Although I feel rather ashamed and embarrassed to have gotten close to someone who was physically far away, what’s done is done and nothing more.

 

Anyway.

 

I became pretty quiet during English class once again and only spoke when someone spoke to me about something. I tried laughing and smiling but it never came to me that easily. The guy friend that I have lost touch and reconnected with pretty much knew what I had gone through (I had told him a tiny bit of the BU when we returned from break) and was at least respectful enough to not bother me and kept himself at a distance. The other guy, however, continued to speak to me in his usual playful manner…but something was different. At times, he’d joke around much more than usual and made sure I was aware of it. Even when he was joking along with other guys around the room, he’d always look at me and try to include me in the conversation. Obviously I was reluctant at first to fully respond, but over time I found myself slightly enjoying the fact that he was around. His jokes, his funny laugh, and his charisma began to force it’s way into my mind. Little by little, his silly antics and occasional teasing (sometimes a little crude, but overall playful and light-hearted) broke the wall I had put up, brick by brick. At that point, perhaps a couple of weeks ago if I can remember clearly, I began anticipating English class in order to listen to him and see him talking to me. I enjoyed his company, and I enjoyed him saying my name to get my attention.

 

And even with time itself, he began to show his true colors slowly to me. I mean-- with any girl in the class, he’d just make silly comments to them and say hi and nothing more. He would never go to them and share anything and only treated them as acquaintances just to be nice. But with me he’d often get a little strange and show off his ‘different’ ways as some would call it. He’d show me random drawings from him or from others (often teasing that with a little practice, I can maybe draw like him. However for the record, he’d often express how impressed he feels towards me and my drawing habits by saying “Man, people could just draw without any effort, but I really like how you consistently practice each day on your drawings. That’s really cool.), tease about anything I’d say that would sound questionably wrong (for example, I’m a clarinet player and I once mentioned that I can blow hard. Ever since then he’d bring it up sometimes to playfully tease), re-assure me when I feel shy in a sincere voice, show me his playing cards (he plays yu-gi-oh! And would often tell me he’s won whenever he wins), and call my name in order to tell me something completely random and laughs a little. Sure, I’ve seen that sometimes he’d be overly nice to other girls, but for some reason I feel as though I’ve been singled out in his eyes. Most of the girls he’s talking to don’t seem entirely close to him, and vice versa. And with that, I sometimes carry the thought that I’m probably some sort of bro to him or something. All in all, I feel a slightly close connection with him, and I’m sure he does too.

 

 

Anyway, shortening things off (and I’m sorry for being pretty long with this, I need to vent haha) I’ve obviously began to develop a pretty solid crush on him and lately I’ve been noticing that he’s been around me more than usual. In the mornings I see him much more often now around my table, sometimes I catch him slightly looking at me some days, and at one point he seemed to have begun to initiate physical contact with me such as shoulder touching, leaning towards me (most significant time that happened was when we were in an assembly and he sat next to me. He placed his elbow on my arm rest and had his body leaning toward me.) and began asking strange questions to me first before asking another girl a short time after, mostly saying it in a casual way to them and not to me.

 

I mean, going back to the assembly thing, he was consistently starting off short conversations with me and not his guy friend. I remember that he grabbed my wrist and made a motion with it when we were talking about ‘fancy vests’ and at one point during the assembly, asked me if he has made a positive impact in my life, to which (out of shyness) I said “I…I don’t…know..” but smile as he put his head down slightly and jokingly said “aw..” Not less than a week after, he asked again and I said yes, to which he pumped his fist and said “yes!” happily. Then there was this activity in class where we were practicing how to professionally shake hands and insisted on shaking my hand (I was sick so I told him I couldn’t, but he didn’t care and shook it), then later that class day he shook my hand again and seemed pretty content on doing so. After that in most activities where we're supposed to move around and interact with others, he'd stick to my side calmly and stand next to me. Overall in a short period of time, I began feeling a stronger connection with him, but am unsure if I’m just letting my emotions ‘warp’ reality in order to favor what I’m feeling.

 

 

I mean, besides the fact I’ve caught him doing things ‘friends’ wouldn't normally do, I’m still kind of confused about the situation. And after coming home the other day after we held an intense stare during an assembly for about 10 seconds, I’m even more confused on where I stand in his eyes.

 

Oh complicated emotions are definitely complicated. However, I’d like to see some opinions on this, and hopefully I did not bore you to death