Thought process?

[who_am_i]

It's been a month with NC, yet I have this same argument with myself every day...

 

man, I really miss him...maybe I'll send him an email just to check in...what if he doesn't reply or what if he does?...I definitely don't want things going back to the way they were before! He's married & I won't do make that mistake again...so, errrr, I guess there's not much point in sending a message after all I guess...but man, I really miss him (over & over & over)

 

It's exhausting! I tell myself he is ONLY one person!! HOW can I let one person effect my life like this? I know it's over! It needs to stay over! Why can't I just get over it?

 

Anyone else find themselves doing things like this?

[stevie_23]

Yes. Not so much now (3 months NC now), but...yeah.

 

I DO miss him. SO, SO MUCH. Of course I do. That's normal. We were together for 2 years. I was in love with him for 2 years. I was so used to our routine for 2 years. It'll take a while to get over that.

 

You're right though. Writing to him will do no good. What would it achieve?

 

1. You and him would get back together? You KNOW this can't happen and you don't want it to (though obviously a part of you does. The part that right now, because you don't have to deal with the negative aspects of being in that relationship anymore, is remembering the GOOD aspects only and wants just THAT part back in your life).

 

2. He replies. Something he says may hurt you worse than you already are to begin with. (in terms of missing him, trying to adapt to not being with him anymore), and again, what good will it do?

 

3. He doesn't reply. Ouch. You'd then be wondering, does he not care at all? Does he hate me now? Has he just totally forgotten about me entirely and has no interest in ever talking to me again? Did I mean nothing to him? And all of this isn't even true, but he may just think...what's the point of responding now? Nothing can come of it.

 

So. Yep. It's so hard...this mental back and forth, back and forth. It's exhausting. You know on a mental level what to do that's best for you, but the heart takes a while to catch up.

[Lillyfree]

yes. 4 months NC here...

 

after a while it will not be a constant thing, it comes in waves.

 

just imagine him laughing at you as he opens your email. thinking how pathetic and weak you are.

 

works for me. after a while wanting to send that email goes away...

[stevie_23]

Oh wow. Laughing? That'd be HORRIBLE to imagine!

 

I know my ex-MM would never do that, so trying to imagine it doesn't work for me, BUT...imagining him opening something I sent to him, and then deleting it without reading it because as soon as he saw it was from me, his eyes widened, his heart started thudding hard in his chest from stress and anxiety and NEGATIVITY...and then continuing that image to his wife walking in at that moment and seeing I'd contacted him after I specifically told her I never would again, and then knowing he will be in trouble AGAIN and for nothing he even did this time, and then it'd just all be utter crap and there was no purpose in even writing to him in the first place!

[Lillyfree]

yup. horrible, but that's why it works...

 

in the end, there's no point contacting them. so i do what i need to to talk myself out of it ...

 

*shrug*

[chaser0195]

yes. 4 months NC here...

 

after a while it will not be a constant thing, it comes in waves.

 

just imagine him laughing at you as he opens your email. thinking how pathetic and weak you are.

 

works for me. after a while wanting to send that email goes away...

WOW! Awesome advice! I would have never thought to look at it in that manner.

[who_am_i]

You told his wife. The last conversation between the two of you, if I remember correctly, was him saying he never loved you, that you were a terrible person, and he was done with you.

 

What do you think has changed since then? For the last month he's been dealing with the fallout of your actions. Now, I'm all for letting the BS know about an affair, but he was not ok with it.

 

My guess is he really never wants to hear from you again. Sorry, and maybe I'm wrong, but what you did to him was really a major betrayal.

 

 

I'm not quite sure what pleasure you get from a response like this. You've questioned my motives before and now my thought processes.

It's becoming clear to me that you intend to take the anger out from your personal situation on the OM/OW who post here...and that's too bad.

Once again I remind you that I joined here to work through my situation. Since you clearly think you've educated yourself about me and my relationship, you know that I feel awful for what I've done and how it ended. Please don't pretend you've been in my shoes and can express to me what or how either myself or my xMM feels today. I've asked this question (and others) to see if how I'm feeling is normal and how others in similar situation have handled it. I find hearing from others helpful. If you haven't been there, then move on. I refuse to justify myself to you and a daily sermon is not necessary or welcomed. Useful criticism is one thing...but let's be honest, that's not your intention. You know as well as I do that replies such as this are only self serving.

Edited March 14, 2013 by who_am_i

[who_am_i]

If hearing the truth bothers you, well there's nothing I can do about that.

 

I didn't ask for your opinion or what you believe to be the truth. Had I, my reaction would have been much different.

I asked if anyone feels the same way...clearly you have no idea how I feel. In the future if that's the case, please keep your opinion to yourself.

[LFH]

You told his wife. The last conversation between the two of you, if I remember correctly, was him saying he never loved you, that you were a terrible person, and he was done with you.

 

The next time someone says that people are always respectful to the OW/OM here, this post is going to stick in my mind as an example of how incorrect that is.

 

Is there some kind of sick glee in pointing out something that was hurtful to her?

That would be like me finding one of your posts where you are hurting, picking out specific details that I know would cut and saying, "Hey remember how your husband did x, y and z" while he was in his affair?"

 

So, exactly what your intent?

[tryingto]

I've been 3 1/2 months NC with a brief one day lapse over 6 weeks ago. The first month and a half, I thought about him constantly! I felt a real turning point a couple of weeks ago. I still think about him and question things occasionally. There are times I still miss him but then I remind myself of the lies, the "broken" promises he made that we would be together. Those thoughts help me remember I deserve so much more. Removed from the "fog", I also realize his wife deserves so much more and at least now I refuse to be party to his deception to and betrayal of her. I truly look forward to the day that I don't think about him at all.

 

I didn't like who I became in the A and I am relieved it is over. It took awhile for that relief to be constant but it is now.

 

Hang in there and take care! It does get better!

[Lillyfree]

regardless of whether you 'deserve' your pain or not ...:eyeroll:

 

there is a person who was at one stage very important to you, be it for months or years. it is completely normal to miss them and think of them - you are human!

 

be easy on yourself, one month into it is still very very early. i was a huge mess at that stage. it does get easier.

 

*hugs*

[who_am_i]

 

I didn't like who I became in the A and I am relieved it is over. It took awhile for that relief to be constant but it is now.

 

Hang in there and take care! It does get better!

 

Thank you! I really appreciate your reply. It is hard to think that day will ever come. I hate to think about the person I became during those days. I'm not proud, but look forward to the day then it gets easier. Thank you! I appreciate your help & hope you too continue to heal.

[Silly_Girl]

I promise you, it gets easier. Without a doubt. I've been where you are more than once, sadly. A month is GOOD. I think I saw some improvement at 1 month and 3 months, for me.

 

You will NOT feel like this forever. It is now just a time thing. Love yourself, be busy on positive things and the rest will take care of itself.

[whichwayisup]

It's been a month with NC, yet I have this same argument with myself every day...

 

man, I really miss him...maybe I'll send him an email just to check in...what if he doesn't reply or what if he does?...I definitely don't want things going back to the way they were before! He's married & I won't do make that mistake again...so, errrr, I guess there's not much point in sending a message after all I guess...but man, I really miss him (over & over & over)

 

It's exhausting! I tell myself he is ONLY one person!! HOW can I let one person effect my life like this? I know it's over! It needs to stay over! Why can't I just get over it?

 

Anyone else find themselves doing things like this?

 

Write here when you get urge to contact him. Reaching out to him is pointless as the A is over and new contact will just hurt you.

 

You're missing how he made you feel, the high of it all. Remember the yucky feelings, and why the A ended.

 

Keep busy and make plans with your women friends, people who love and support you, have your back.

[LostintheStorm]

Definitely. Two months now and I still go through the endless cycle. Of course, I will admit that I am not NC. He still emails me from time to time and, of course, this makes it worse. Then, the cycle includes wondering if he is doing this because he still wants me, should I tell him how I feel, etc, etc.

 

We are both married and he cut it off saying that he wanted to try to work things out with the wife. So, I'm learning a lot from reading these boards about what all of this means.......

[stevie_23]

Definitely. Two months now and I still go through the endless cycle. Of course, I will admit that I am not NC. He still emails me from time to time and, of course, this makes it worse. Then, the cycle includes wondering if he is doing this because he still wants me, should I tell him how I feel, etc, etc.

 

We are both married and he cut it off saying that he wanted to try to work things out with the wife. So, I'm learning a lot from reading these boards about what all of this means.......

 

He still emails you from time to time? Is it difficult for him (as well as for yourself, obviously) to truly move on NOT in a relationship with you and recommit fully to his wife if he's still in contact with you?

 

I am a STRONG advocate for being friends after a breakup if no major disrespect or betrayal has occurred in the relationship, but in terms of affairs...I think it's a bit different to a non-affair relationship. I don't really think you CAN be friends.

[MyAngel]

I didn't like who I became in the A

 

I hate to think about the person I became during those days.

 

Could I please ask if either of you wouldn't mind expanding on this? I am curious to know in what ways you didn't like who you became while you were in the affair. It's just for personal reasons, as my ex said this to me and it's always stuck with me... I have always assumed it was because she became a person that was capable of deception and she hated that, but if it's anything more or other than that, I'd really be grateful for you to expand a bit please. Just that what she said is almost exact and it's got me curious. Thank you <3

[SoleMate]

Yes, many people have trouble separating from a previous romantic partner. It's normal, regardless of the nature of the previous r/s or the reason for the breakup. Human beings get attached. When you're attached, ending contact causes discomfort and pain for a period of time.

 

NC is the best medicine, so don't send him an email. If you waver, remember how he treated you and then decide if you want more of that, or not.

[who_am_i]

Could I please ask if either of you wouldn't mind expanding on this? I am curious to know in what ways you didn't like who you became while you were in the affair. It's just for personal reasons, as my ex said this to me and it's always stuck with me... I have always assumed it was because she became a person that was capable of deception and she hated that, but if it's anything more or other than that, I'd really be grateful for you to expand a bit please. Just that what she said is almost exact and it's got me curious. Thank you <3

 

 

When I started the A with xMM I was a strong woman, but when it ended I couldn't find any of that woman inside me at all.

 

I went into the affair knowing he was married. The fact that he was not leaving his family was well covered territory and I was just fine with that. But as feelings grew and the time we spent together lengthened, what he said and how he acted were two completely different things. He made me feel SO loved by him. That, along with the way I was told things were at home, I began to second guess his stance. I became one of those OW who believe that they are the exception to the rule. I started to believe that he WAS in love with me and that he WOULD prefer to be with me. I believed that he was just too good of a person to do that to his family...he was putting his wants and needs behind theirs. So, to keep him in my life gradually lowered all my needs, wants, standards and expectations. It got to the point where even though we were together, I was still miserable. Every time we'd say goodbye I'd cry because I didn't want him to go home to her. I at some point decided that he deserved more then what she was giving him. The times between visits and phone calls became harder and harder to handle. And I lived like this hoping that it was just a matter of time before he'd change his mind. He'd say things like..."it's bad, but it's just not bad enough yet"...that kept me hanging on.

 

I love(d) him! When I look back now I know he was never going to leave her. I believed the things he told me about her and it was never up to me to decide what was good for him. And when I think about it I'm not 100% sure where and when I lost my self respect. At the time, I had no idea it was even happening.

 

They say when an affair ends its like there has been a death. I can't for the life of me understand why that's said. When someone dies you know exactly where they are. When an affair ends there is no finality. It is safe to say that I will...for the rest of my life...think about, care for, and wonder how he is. Some people say that affairs are not like real life...they are just a fantasy. Well, I can assure you that this was 100% real to me. He is a man I can not imagine my life without. Knowing what I've done and that I will never be able to see him or speak to him again is something I don't ever see myself coming to terms with...it will be a struggle I will live with forever. I guess that is my punishment.

Edited March 16, 2013 by who_am_i

[who_am_i]

Could I please ask if either of you wouldn't mind expanding on this? I am curious to know in what ways you didn't like who you became while you were in the affair. It's just for personal reasons, as my ex said this to me and it's always stuck with me... I have always assumed it was because she became a person that was capable of deception and she hated that, but if it's anything more or other than that, I'd really be grateful for you to expand a bit please. Just that what she said is almost exact and it's got me curious. Thank you <3

 

 

When I started the A with xMM I was a strong woman, but when it ended I couldn't find any of that woman inside me at all.

 

I went into the affair knowing he was married. The fact that he was not leaving his family was well covered territory and I was just fine with that. But as feelings grew and the time we spent together lengthened, what he said and how he acted were two completely different things. He made me feel SO loved by him. That, along with the way I was told things were at home, I began to second guess his stance. I became one of those OW who believe that they are the exception to the rule. I started to believe that he WAS in love with me and that he WOULD prefer to be with me. I believed that he was just too good of a person to do that to his family...he was putting his wants and needs behind theirs. So, to keep him in my life gradually lowered all my needs, wants, standards and expectations. It got to the point where even though we were together, I was still miserable. Every time we'd say goodbye I'd cry because I didn't want him to go home to her. I st some point decided that he deserved more then what she was giving him. The times between visits and phone calls became harder and harder to handle. And I lived like this hoping that it was just a matter of time before he'd change his mind. He'd say things like..."it's bad, but it's just not bad enough yet"...that kept me hanging on.

 

I love(d) him! When I look back now I know he was never going to leave her. I believed the things he told me about her and it was never up to me to decide what was good for him. And when I think about it I'm not 100% sure where and when I lost my self respect. At the time, I had no idea it was even happening.

 

They say when an affair ends its like there has been a death. I can't for the life of me understand why that's said. When someone dies you know exactly where they are. When an affair ends there is no finality. It is safe to say that I will...for the rest of my life...think about, care for, and wonder how he is. Some people say that affairs are not like real life...they are just a fantasy. Well, I can assure you that this was 100% real to me. He is a man I can not imagine my life without. Knowing what I've done and that I will never be able to see him or speak to him again is something I don't ever see myself coming to terms with...it will be a struggle I will live with forever. I guess that is my punishment.

[LFH]

Knowing what I've done and that I will never be able to see him or speak to him again is something I don't ever see myself coming to terms with...it will be a struggle I will live with forever. I guess that is my punishment.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. *hugs*

[MyAngel]

When an affair ends there is no finality. It is safe to say that I will...for the rest of my life...think about, care for, and wonder how he is. Some people say that affairs are not like real life...they are just a fantasy. Well, I can assure you that this was 100% real to me. He is a man I can not imagine my life without. Knowing what I've done and that I will never be able to see him or speak to him again is something I don't ever see myself coming to terms with...it will be a struggle I will live with forever. I guess that is my punishment.

 

Thank you very much for your reply. Reading your response sounds a lot like how I felt, and I can relate to a lot of it. It was real to me too, so real.. and I can see in hindsight that's the biggest mistake I made. It was real, but... it's all just so confusing. I have analysed every part of this for the last 3 months and I don't think I'll ever truly know.

 

I also share your views on this being my punishment. I loved my ex more than I've ever loved anybody. And now she is gone... the love is still there, I care for her, I think about her all the time... and I'm heartbroken. Thinking of what I've lost, thinking about her and what we had. It is my punishment

 

Thanks again, and stay strong. It's all we can do.

[stevie_23]

They say when an affair ends its like there has been a death. I can't for the life of me understand why that's said. When someone dies you know exactly where they are. When an affair ends there is no finality. It is safe to say that I will...for the rest of my life...think about, care for, and wonder how he is. Some people say that affairs are not like real life...they are just a fantasy. Well, I can assure you that this was 100% real to me. He is a man I can not imagine my life without. Knowing what I've done and that I will never be able to see him or speak to him again is something I don't ever see myself coming to terms with...it will be a struggle I will live with forever. I guess that is my punishment.

 

He'd say things like..."it's bad, but it's just not bad enough yet"...that kept me hanging on.

 

The bolded part. He said similar things to me. And I believed him. I actually still do believe him. But right now I'm not quite sure WHY.

 

Actually, my mind has cleared and I do know why. Because for the first 18 months of our relationship he genuinely was trying to leave that situation he was in. Before we got together he said he never saw himself there for a long time and wasn't happy. And then when he got really sick and got married and couldn't leave, he stopped telling me he had to leave and was trying to take steps to leave. He had a hard time adjusting to having to now live with NO hope of ever really being together, but he tried. So...yeah. That's why I believe he meant what he said still.

 

I agree with you too, about the death thing and not being able to ever really move on entirely. It's like a death because they're suddenly gone from your life, totally and utterly gone. You can't talk to them ever again. But if they had died, you may at least still believe they would have been with you someday. If they'd died, it wouldn't have been their choice. Right now, they're still wandering around, living their life as they were before you came along and while you were with them...and you're here...by yourself...always thinking of them.

 

I also don't know if I'll ever truly be free of any of this. I think the best I can hope for is to be happy in my life and keep a small part of him (small enough so it fits in with my other happiness) in my heart, forever.

[AnotherRound]

I am two years (almost!) past ending my relationship with exMM -and I don't think about him much, except when I'm on here, nowadays. I mean, yeah, he crosses my mind and such, and I will always have a fondness for him - but for me, there just came a point in time that I said to myself, "Yes, I love him - but this is NOT working for me". And even though he is divorced now, I still just don't think it would work for me - so, I am not in contact.

 

It will take a while to get the distance you need to be able to strongly not contact him. When we love someone, and they are taken out of our lives against our will - when we don't have a choice - it's always hard, no matter the labels assigned to that relationship. That's why some people call it a death - bc it usually isn't ended bc neither person involved WANTED to end it and both must go through the grieving process. The grieving process can be a roller coaster in itself. So, do things that are supportive of you - relaxation techniques, things that raise your natural feel good chemicals like working out, crying when you need to, etc.

 

It's hard to focus on you and not on you and him - but when you find yourself thinking of him, go ahead, don't fight the actual thinking -but as soon as you are done thinking of him, find something to do for you, to get your bearings again.

 

And know that yes, most anyone who has a relationship end goes through the same circular frustration - grieving until they can truly let go.

[Elfie]

 

I went into the affair knowing he was married. The fact that he was not leaving his family was well covered territory and I was just fine with that. But as feelings grew and the time we spent together lengthened, what he said and how he acted were two completely different things. He made me feel SO loved by him. That, along with the way I was told things were at home, I began to second guess his stance. I became one of those OW who believe that they are the exception to the rule. I started to believe that he WAS in love with me and that he WOULD prefer to be with me. I believed that he was just too good of a person to do that to his family...he was putting his wants and needs behind theirs. So, to keep him in my life gradually lowered all my needs, wants, standards and expectations. It got to the point where even though we were together, I was still miserable. Every time we'd say goodbye I'd cry because I didn't want him to go home to her. I st some point decided that he deserved more then what she was giving him. The times between visits and phone calls became harder and harder to handle. And I lived like this hoping that it was just a matter of time before he'd change his mind. He'd say things like..."it's bad, but it's just not bad enough yet"...that kept me hanging on.

 

I love(d) him! When I look back now I know he was never going to leave her. I believed the things he told me about her and it was never up to me to decide what was good for him. And when I think about it I'm not 100% sure where and when I lost my self respect. At the time, I had no idea it was even happening.

 

These would be the very same words I would use to describe my experience. Word for word. Though for me, I felt incredibly cheap, and due to my experiences in life, I expect little but very quickly came to accept tiny little crumbs from MM, as if they were gifts from heaven, and I think he picked up very quickly on that. I made endless excuses for him and even a little while into NC, I still feel like trash.

 

I have gone through life trying to always do the right thing, and I live opposite him, so I have alot of work to do, in avoiding him (managed so far but hard) and on myself.