Author js1967 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Gosh, this all comes down to my caveman, bruised ego... Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 thatjusthappened - I see your point too, and I am really not mad at me ex at this point. I am extremely pissed at the situation, but you are right. I would rather have her tell me this than start to wonder outside of our relationship, or continue to make it miserable for both of us. I get that. It just seems like the target for our anger is at the ex. BUT, they didn't want this any more than we did. And my ex has been pretty broken up about it too, which oddly makes me fill a tiny, tiny bit better. I just think that as men, we would want a fair shake at a fix rather than simply quitting. But, I guess your right, relationships don't work that way So, moving forward, how do we avoid this and keep our girls always happy and content? Link to post Share on other sites
Author js1967 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Share Posted March 14, 2013 Thank you that just happened!!! Thank you very much! You put the first smile on my face in two days! Have a good one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Thank you that just happened!!! Thank you very much! You put the first smile on my face in two days! Have a good one. Yay! See all you men out there who tune your chicks out? I know we talk a lot, but sometimes you do need to listen to women! Pop your man brains out every once in a while and let them cool off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 thatjusthappened - I see your point too, and I am really not mad at me ex at this point. I am extremely pissed at the situation, but you are right. I would rather have her tell me this than start to wonder outside of our relationship, or continue to make it miserable for both of us. I get that. It just seems like the target for our anger is at the ex. BUT, they didn't want this any more than we did. And my ex has been pretty broken up about it too, which oddly makes me fill a tiny, tiny bit better. I just think that as men, we would want a fair shake at a fix rather than simply quitting. But, I guess your right, relationships don't work that way So, moving forward, how do we avoid this and keep our girls always happy and content? Bahahahaha, good luck with that! You can't keep someone happy all the time, otherwise you'll end up making yourself miserable. You just need to find someone whose personality meshes with yours..and if you want to know how to keep her happy, just ask! We like that..that way you're not always trying to guess how to make us happy..you actually know. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Gosh, this all comes down to my caveman, bruised ego... :laugh: I missed this comment before. It seems like a LOT of things come down to cavemen bruised egos. Now you put a smile on my face! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 14, 2013 Share Posted March 14, 2013 Good enough BTW - Do you mind if I ask how old you are? At least what decade you are in?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author js1967 Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 if you are referring to me. Im 45 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 No - thisJustHappened... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Hahaha, of course. I'm 29. 30 in April..eek! Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 try and give a man a chance to fix some holes. It is what we do, we make holes, say we are sorry... and fix them. The ex-bf had five years to fix the holes and couldn't do it. He can't say I didn't try; I kept digging for every possible method I could find. In the end, the relationship was always all about *him* and I got tired of being used. He never gave me real apologies even when he admitted to being wrong or hurting me on purpose. But now, I bet if he was on here, he would say it was all my fault and out of the blue... Really? So what was that chart in the bedroom for that took me 2 hours to make? All the books on relationships that we read together. In the end I wasn't in love anymore because I had five years of resentment built up. That's what kills it. Mostly I think he just had GIGS and didn't want to make an effort. Link to post Share on other sites
J_L_C Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Guy mentality is not a good thing here. It doesn't apply to relationships. You can't just put a little glue on a relationship and make it work. These are feelings, not a broken lamp. If she doesn't love you, nothing you do or say is going to patch that up. She was doing you a favor by breaking up with you..you'll get that someday. Again, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Would you enjoy having her stay with you out of guilt? She doesn't owe you anything, and she doesn't deserve your anger. Be angry at the situation..don't be angry at the person. It SUCKS that she fell out of love with you, and I'm sorry that it hurt you..but it's not her fault. It's not yours either. It is what it is. I have to disagree. Yes you are correct that she had a right to breakup with him, but the problem is in HOW she did it. I was in a very similar situation. My ex just dropped a bomb out of nowhere. We had just literally discussed our plans for the next coming weeks and then boom--"I'm not in love with you, I need to pull the trigger". After that, he sent me off and didn't want to deified ANYTHING. If you're in a relationship, you have a duty to that other person to be open and honest. Even if the relationship has run it's course I believe it is only right to explain ones thoughts along the way. That's why forums like this exist--many people do NOT know how to conduct themselves towards the end of a relationship. Hard work is required even if that hard work simply means sharing some tough thoughts and decisions. No one deserves to be blindsided like this. Was it ever love in that case? Someone who ever loved another should NOT be capable of ending it with such cowardice. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Guy mentality is not a good thing here. It doesn't apply to relationships. You can't just put a little glue on a relationship and make it work. These are feelings, not a broken lamp. If she doesn't love you, nothing you do or say is going to patch that up. She was doing you a favor by breaking up with you..you'll get that someday. Again, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you? Would you enjoy having her stay with you out of guilt? She doesn't owe you anything, and she doesn't deserve your anger. Be angry at the situation..don't be angry at the person. It SUCKS that she fell out of love with you, and I'm sorry that it hurt you..but it's not her fault. It's not yours either. It is what it is. I have to disagree. Yes you are correct that she had a right to breakup with him, but the problem is in HOW she did it. I was in a very similar situation. My ex just dropped a bomb out of nowhere. We had just literally discussed our plans for the next coming weeks and then boom--"I'm not in love with you, I need to pull the trigger". After that, he sent me off and didn't want to deified ANYTHING. If you're in a relationship, you have a duty to that other person to be open and honest. Even if the relationship has run it's course I believe it is only right to explain ones thoughts along the way. That's why forums like this exist--many people do NOT know how to conduct themselves towards the end of a relationship. Hard work is required even if that hard work simply means sharing some tough thoughts and decisions. No one deserves to be blindsided like this. Was it ever love in that case? Someone who ever loved another should NOT be capable of ending it with such cowardice. So are you saying that if he had told you a week or a month earlier, he wouldn't have been dropping a bomb? That you would have taken it completely differently and shaken his hand and sent him on his merry way with a smile on your face? When you love someone and they break up with you, it will ALWAYS be a bombshell no matter when or how they tell you. It's completely normal for someone to act naturally before a break up. They are generally in denial themselves, and trying to save the relationship. Can you really blame them for that? Your ex could not go back in time and explain that he had been thinking about breaking up with you for a while. So he just did it when it felt right to him. You're angry because you're hurting. But when you heal, you'll see that the cowardly thing to do would have been to stay in an unhappy relationship just to avoid breaking up, and then possibly cheat on you, or be cold to you and force you to break up with him, or do something awful to you. I'm sorry you're hurting, but with all due respect you're looking at this from a hurt person's perspective, which is pretty biased. In time you'll see what I'm talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
J_L_C Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I hear you, but read my tread titled: Sherlock Holmes. You'll see where I'm coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Coping Vortex Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 thatjusthappened - I see your point too, and I am really not mad at me ex at this point. I am extremely pissed at the situation, but you are right. I would rather have her tell me this than start to wonder outside of our relationship, or continue to make it miserable for both of us. I get that. It just seems like the target for our anger is at the ex. BUT, they didn't want this any more than we did. And my ex has been pretty broken up about it too, which oddly makes me fill a tiny, tiny bit better. I just think that as men, we would want a fair shake at a fix rather than simply quitting. But, I guess your right, relationships don't work that way So, moving forward, how do we avoid this and keep our girls always happy and content? I can't agree more. My ex never fell out of love with me at the time of the BU. she told me she was crying for days over something that could have been easily worked through. She never said anything then BU with me thinking it was unfixable. I gave her space and she met a new guy to get over me. All of it could have been avoided if we had a simple talk. When we met up weeks later I told her how I felt and she admitted that if she knew that then we would have still been together. But she didn't communicate and give me a chance to fix the issue. She was already to far along in the new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I hear you, but read my tread titled: Sherlock Holmes. You'll see where I'm coming from. Ugh. Your ex is a filthy pig. You DEFINITELY shouldn't be angry at him, you should be grateful to him. He did you a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I don't think very many of us saw our breakups coming. Our ex is telling us that they love us, everything is great. We're picking out baby names, hooking up, and whatnot. and then 24 hours happens and BAM! here we are and there they are. They've already moved on and we're heart broken. I'm confused. How are they trying to "save the relationship"? exactly if they aren't telling us what they're thinking? I know it's very difficult to tell someone that, but how do we know something is wrong when they tell us everything is great? Especially when that's all we've heard from them since we started dating them? I never heard my ex say "Our relationship sucks.. fix it" it was always "You're the man of my dreams! What should we name our babies? Where are we moving in together after college?" No one HAS to stay with anyone. OP, your ex doesn't have to be with you if she doesn't want to. No matter when she broke up with you, it would've sucked just as bad because you still love her. I've been going through my self help book like a hawk and one of the passages says "A dumper ends the relationship. A dumpee has the relationship ended for them" Well duh.. but basically the end of the relationship had everything to do with her and nothing to do with you necessarily. It wasn't that she didn't think you loved her. It was that she didn't love you. Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 "A dumper ends the relationship. A dumpee has the relationship ended for them" Well duh.. but basically the end of the relationship had everything to do with her and nothing to do with you necessarily. It wasn't that she didn't think you loved her. It was that she didn't love you. Not following how this relates to beginning of your post. I want to understand because I believe there may be a valuable message in what you are stating. I just don't get it Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I don't think very many of us saw our breakups coming. Our ex is telling us that they love us, everything is great. We're picking out baby names, hooking up, and whatnot. and then 24 hours happens and BAM! here we are and there they are. They've already moved on and we're heart broken. I'm confused. How are they trying to "save the relationship"? exactly if they aren't telling us what they're thinking? I know it's very difficult to tell someone that, but how do we know something is wrong when they tell us everything is great? Especially when that's all we've heard from them since we started dating them? I never heard my ex say "Our relationship sucks.. fix it" it was always "You're the man of my dreams! What should we name our babies? Where are we moving in together after college?" No one HAS to stay with anyone. OP, your ex doesn't have to be with you if she doesn't want to. No matter when she broke up with you, it would've sucked just as bad because you still love her. I've been going through my self help book like a hawk and one of the passages says "A dumper ends the relationship. A dumpee has the relationship ended for them" Well duh.. but basically the end of the relationship had everything to do with her and nothing to do with you necessarily. It wasn't that she didn't think you loved her. It was that she didn't love you. They are trying to stick with it and hoping it gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
na49 Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 mtnbiker3000- all I'm trying to say is that, being dumped has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Unless you were abusive or something. I'm not sure if that quote applies here, I just like it a lot so I threw it in there. ThatJustHappened- Them staying in a relationship they aren't happy in, and hoping things magically get better is their example of trying to save the relationship? Also what are your thoughts on cheating? My ex was seeing another guy for a month before she dumped me. I had no idea he existed until the day before she left me. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 mtnbiker3000- all I'm trying to say is that, being dumped has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. Unless you were abusive or something. I'm not sure if that quote applies here, I just like it a lot so I threw it in there. ThatJustHappened- Them staying in a relationship they aren't happy in, and hoping things magically get better is their example of trying to save the relationship? Also what are your thoughts on cheating? My ex was seeing another guy for a month before she dumped me. I had no idea he existed until the day before she left me. Yes, it is. Just because someone isn't happy in a relationship doesn't mean they don't want to be, and of course they don't want to hurt the other person (in most civil break up situations..obviously this doesn't apply to every situation). While they may not be doing anything externally except for just going along with the relationship as usual, internally they are fighting a battle with themselves about breaking up with the other person. It sounds like your ex had what's known as an exit affair. She was cushioning the blow of the break up for herself. It's not a fair or a nice thing for someone to do, but there you go. I have a low opinion of cheaters..I think what your ex did was extremely selfish and I'm sorry she hurt you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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