I'm so in love with her! Will she ever let us be more than friends??

[Shepp]

Thanks for looking at this - im sorry ive rambled on - its not as bad as it looks - promise! :L And i'll try and break it down!

 

Our Background:

We’ve been friends for 4 years, since we were 15.

She’s completely stunning, smart, hilarious. Flip side she’s also a bit self destructive & a massive flirt.

We're close. She hasn’t really got anyone else, her mum died when she was 13, her dads a waste of space. She acts so tough to everyone but me.

She jumps from guy to guy, most are just a one night thing, she never really gives a sh*t about them.

 

She calls be like sexy or gorgeous all the time and shes very touchy feeley but then like I said shes a flirt and I don’t read too much into that.

 

What I do read into is the fact that its me she comes too with her latest disaster, its me that she sat up with all night talking about like her childhood and her parents and stuff and shes not the most reliable person in the world but when I really need her, shes there.*

She's there at my boxing or football matches & my family events so its not like its totally one-sided - well i dont think it is!

That to me has gotta mean she likes me somewhat cause all those things are dead out of character for her.

 

Plus the other thing is she said to me once that she dosen't like cuddling after sex. Well she said "im like lets ****, then go to your side of the bed and dont touch me!"

But when she stays at mine she'll always sleep proper cuddled up to me - so whats that about??

 

 

ANYWAY, to the presetn day: the few times I’ve tried to bring up the fact that I’d like more than friends she just interrupts me along the lines of:

“You think i fool around with other guys cause I like them more than you but i barely like them at all but I love you. But I would **** it up cause thats what I always do, im damaged, and i cant lose you Alfie cause your the one person who actually gives a **** and I know that’s completely unreasonable & selfish but I am. Your the guy who'd be there there at 2am for mate or give his life for a stranger your the story book hero alfie, your my storybook hero alfie, your selfless but Im the complete opposite im all about me”. And then like a switch completely changes the subject.

 

 

The other day we were sitting by the lake having a beer & for like the first time ever she brought it up like “the thing is im jinxed Alfie. And I can hear myself say that too, I know how pathetic it sounds but like you know that skittles advert? the one with the bloke and everything he touches turns to skittles - Im like that guy alfie! That’s what I do! Thats why I cant go out with you”"

So I just went are you trying to tell me you'd turn me to skittles or that your actually a slightly over weight, middle aged, black man and you just hide it real well?!

And she laughed and was like "damn ! got me!" and we just messed about like that for a bit and that was it!

 

I just dunno what to do? i love her and i know we could work together and i dont think the reasons she gives are good enough to not give us a shot at that! I dont know how to make her see that? I practically play the bf but she freaks out about the label?

 

 

 

And i cant walk away cause i swore id never leave her and the thing is ive had plenty of girls ask us out (catch that i am ) and some of them ive took out and there nice & sweet & uncomplicated but there not her! And if we dated im sure it would nice & sweet and uncomplicated but there'd always be second best and thats not fair!

Cause i dont completely wear rose tinted glasses, i see that she can be grumpy & that she can be a **** and she can drive me completely bonkers but when im with her we just click - not like when im with other girls - she makes me do stuff id never do otherwise - she rocks my world! And after that nice & sweet & uncomplicated just dosent cut it!

 

But im lost? I dont know what to do anymore!

 

 

Im gonna put this little dancing bannana in cause ive been looking for an excuse to use that through this whole post! :bananna:

[fungusamungus]

You're in the friendzone. Pretty much past the point of no return. Will she ever let you guys become more than friends? Pretty much not unless she is completely optionless, but even then, the chances that she ever truly sees you as a true love interest are pretty slim.

 

Second... you have to get it out of your head that she's the only one for you and that it would be the most amazing relationship ever if you were to date. Because, you don't know what it would actually be like to date her. You have this idealized vision of how it would be because you ARE wearing rose-tinted glasses.

Edited March 14, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Shepp]

unless she is completely optionless,

 

She'd never be completely optionless!! :L

 

Second... you have to get it out of your head that she's the only one for you and that it would be the most amazing relationship ever if you were to date. Because, you don't know what it would actually be like to date her. You have this idealized vision of how it would be because you ARE wearing rose-tinted glasses.

 

okay i don't! But i'd like to!! :L

Maybe I forgive her some sins because i fancy her but were not talking some school boy crush! 4 yrs ive been close to this girl through all the ups and downs! I connect with her completely differently than i have to any other girl yknow!

[Shepp]

I wrote this long incredible reply that probably took me 30 minutes. I mean it responded to every point you made. Than it got deleted.

 

Ahh buddy ive been there! :L

 

You need to walk away and cut all contact with her. Start fresh with a new girl who is only physical with you.

She's only going to get worse on the path she's on. Do not try to be the white knight. The best thing you can do is have some self respect and walk away. This is for you and coincidentally maybe her.

 

I get that!!

I but i dont think that shes like leading me on or owt - im the one that changed the deal right?

She's not a bad person and away from everything else I enjoy spending time with her, the same as any of my buddys!

Plus she has no body else who would....be there! Y'know like when she crashed her car or to go with her to her mams grave! Like id do that for any mate. And shes a hell of a lot more fragile than people think & I really care about her enough that i....i couldnt hurt her like that!

 

I dunno does that make me a 'wannabe wite knight'?

[RichieBoy]

Sounds quite like the position im in, same type of scenario but shes just recently come out of a bad relationship and personally the guy's broke her for the moment methinks as shes "Not Looking for a relationship at the moment". Try not to make yourself available as much the whole time, like put you first before her because you can be sure she won't be sat around with you on her mind, thing is I've come to realize over the past months that peeps like us are most likely just a convenience for them, they know you will come running to them when they need someone to vent on. So get busy doing other things not involving her, be nice to her when you see her ofc but just try to distance yourself from her by keeping busy, don't run to her when she asks you to meet her as your going on her terms. Go on your own maybe at a later date or not at all with saying your busy or that you got plans with someone and make it sound like you had a great time with them (best if its a girl) as in time she may come to realise she has feelings for you when your not around her as much and out with other girls. Just an idea to try.

[fungusamungus]

I but i dont think that shes like leading me on or owt - im the one that changed the deal right?

She's not a bad person and away from everything else I enjoy spending time with her, the same as any of my buddys!

Plus she has no body else who would....be there! Y'know like when she crashed her car or to go with her to her mams grave! Like id do that for any mate. And shes a hell of a lot more fragile than people think & I really care about her enough that i....i couldnt hurt her like that!

 

I dunno does that make me a 'wannabe wite knight'?

She isn't leading you on. She's actually made it very clear where you stand. That's she's not interested in you as a romantic partner. Of course she's "fragile". Do you know WHY she's emotionally open to you while she just pumps and dumps with other guys? Is it because she sees you as "better" than them? No, it's because you're safe. You're just a friend, and most important, you're not someone who is in a position to break her heart. She doesn't fear your judgement or your rejection. And because you're always there for her, she's come to depend on you for your support and friendship. So... yeah, she's not lying when she says she "loves you more" than the guys she is actually sleeping with, but she's not "in love" with you either. Which is what you are going for.

 

There are a TON of girls like this out there. She's not leading you on, nor is she "using" you in any sort of malicious way or anything, she sees you as a friend and simply takes what you provide for her. My read on her? She's polarizing and separates physical intimacy and emotional intimacy because she's afraid of emotional intimacy. Because let's be honest, you can't control who you are attracted to, but you CAN control who you let yourself to get close to emotionally. She'll sleep with the guys that she's attracted to to satisfy her physical needs, but will not let herself get emotionally attached to them, or even purposely chooses ones that she isn't crazy about, because she's afraid of putting that much of herself into a person that she could fall in love with and has the potential to let her down or break her heart. That's why she jumps from one guy to the next. But, on the other end of the spectrum she satisfies her emotional needs from guys that she isn't sexually interested in, because again, they're the guys who are not in a position to... again, break her heart and hurt her. Unfortunately, that's where you are. Basically, the reason she's close to you is not because she's interested in you as a lover, it's because she isn't.

 

Do a little mental experiment... switch places with her. Imagine if she was the one who came to you with her feelings. Would you respond to her the same way that she did to you? No, you wouldn't, because you don't feel the same way about her that she does about you. I'm not trying to be a hard ass, and I know that this stuff is hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.

Edited March 14, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Shepp]

I get that man, i do!! And i think your read on her is probably pretty accurate!

 

Its just, she thinks everyone she cares about leaves her - y'know gives up on her or gets hurt. And i dont wanna do that, to compound the problem, to prove her right, i wanted to be the guy that stayed. That she could rely on!

 

And i know that realistically her life isnt my problem, she isnt my responsibility, but as much as i know thats the truth i also know that i won't convince myself of that.

y'know maybe its me, maybe i am as bad!? Maybe i like looking after her and thats why we go round and round in circles! I dunno :/

[Calvin's wagon]

hey, shepp!

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and about her situation. I recognize myself quite a lot in what you've written (I will try to not project myself to your situation, but it might happen regardless, so take everything I say with a grain of salt), so I'll try to advise you what I wish I had been advised.

 

I'd like to ask you a couple of questions, which will hopefully be helpful. I hope they're not too prying.

 

1.) Can you tell us a bit more about yourself outside of your relationship with her? What is your relationship with your family? What's your relationship like with your guy/girl friends?

 

2.) I'd like to recommend you to read two books (both available online for free if you google them). They have really helped me and I think/hope they might be really helpful to you too.

 

First is Toxic Parents (by Susan Forward) and the other is No more Mr. Nice guy (by Robert Glover). I strongly recommend you take the time to read them, because from what you've written, it could apply to you&her! I know I wish I had read them when I was your age. Heck, I wish I had read them when I was a small kid...

 

Third book is Families and how to survive them (by Skynner). And try to check this site for other suggestions, people here have very helpful suggestions, imo.

 

3.) What is her relationship with her female friends?

 

4.) What's her relationship with her father and her other family members like?

 

5.) Reading what you've written about her words (about being jinxed etc.) led me to the question - (what) is she trying to do to change that? Have you ever talked about this with her?

 

I understand that she's had a tough life thus far (I cannot imagine how horrible it is to lose a parent at such a young age and go through everything else you've mentioned) and I wish she'll find happiness&stability soon, but that's not gonna happen (in my opinion) if she's too passive and just giving up on herself (as being jinxed, damaged etc.).

 

I'm not sure in which country/state you guys live in and what kind of emotional/psychological support's available, but I'd strongly recommend she/you look into it. And I hope someone from this site comes from the same state and will be able to give you some advice. Also, ask a responsible adult for help (for example your school counsellor, or, if you're afraid for your privacy, contact a counsellor from another school...)

 

But I'd advise:

- looking into online/"real-life" support groups, for example for children that have lost their parent(s), that are being neglected/abused at home, ...

- looking into online psychological help, hotlines,...

- looking into a chance of free/financially accessible individual counselling/psychotherapy

- trying to encourage her to find female friends (by joining various activities etc.)

- suggesting she reads helpful literature (maybe starting with the Toxic parents (there are a couple of stories about girls with similar behaviour like hers in that book) and "Families and how to survive them". Since she's not a guy, "No more mr. Nice guy" might be more useful for her to understand your position (if it indeed does describe you...)

 

 

///

 

She needs support and help! I understand that, and in a way, it's great that you've been there for her and I know it's hard to think about not being there for her.

 

So I think (for starters!) it might be beneficial for both of you if she starts seeking (at least some) support elsewhere, so you won't feel like you're the only pillar of support she has.

--

I've been in the position where a girl told me that I'm the only one who supports her, who hasn't given up on her, asked me to never leave her even if she goes crazy,..., and i was only a couple of years older than you are. At some point she told me she feels I'm like her best friend and her father... yikes:) Anyway, it's a terrible burden (at least was for me) and at the time I wasn't aware just how much detrimental it was to me! If you want, I can write more about my experience, but I'll stop at this point.

--

 

Anyway, like I said, try to get her to build herself a support network with other people (support groups, therapist, female friends,...).

 

That will help you with time to either set healthy, friendship-like boundaries with her, to stop contact with her, or to at some point perhaps even become her boyfriend...

 

Others have said that you're being friendzoned. I'd like to raise the possibility (again, I don't know the full situation) that you're maybe kind of playing a role of not only her best friend, but in a way you're being a substitute for her absent parents (you've mentioned her father)...

 

And I think in the long run, this current relationship dynamic will perhaps mess up both of you... And I'd ask yourself how much longer can you go through this? What happens when you guys will go to college (assuming you're not in college) - will you follow her wherever she goes, to another state...?

 

Now, since you're currently very concerned about her well-being - the best thing you can do for her (in my opinion) is to try to help her find other help. (and be really honest with yourself - perhaps you kind of in a way like that she needs you so much - i'm not judging you, but looking back, a small part of me liked that that girl in my life needed me so much...)

 

Just imagine the scenario that now she doesn't get other support, and then you guys get into a huge fight (maybe you can't stand it anymore, maybe you'll push her too much into becoming your gf,...) maybe (god forbid) you get sick, maybe (hopefully) you get a great job/study opportunity somewhere else,... So for some reason you won't (able to) be there for her - don't you wish she had some other support to fall back on in such a scenario?

 

 

And last (but definitely not least), please, please, think about yourself! Trust me, you are the most important person in this story! I think there's a good chance that in the current situation you won't find happiness. Neither with her (until she works on herself, gets other support etc.), neither with some other girl (maybe you already met someone who'd be really great for you, but were too busy being there 24/7 for this girl, or maybe that great girl heard about you and this girl and decided not to get involved...)...

 

I don't want to be too pessimistic or harsh, but I really think something has to change! And I think it's better if you're being proactive instead of waiting for sth to change, sth to crash down, etc.

 

 

Anyway, I hope we all have helped you and I hope we will continue to help you! Looking forward to hearing more from you.

 

Best of luck!

Edited March 21, 2013 by Calvin's wagon

[hppr]

Coming from lots and lots of past experience I can tell you for sure and for certain that the sort of girl you are describing is not relationship material and will probably just cause you lots of problems and heartache. Sorry.

[hppr]

Maybe i like looking after her and thats why we go round and round in circles! I dunno :/

 

Pretty much. Some guys and girls look for people to 'fix', lots of times you'll see this whenever you have a woman who is on the up and up, responsible, attractive, with a deadbeat dirtbag of a boyfriend that they are constantly taking care of, bailing out of jail, on and on.

[Shepp]

Thanks buddy!

 

i'll do my best with you questions:

1) I've got a big family & im dead close to them! Familys important to me! I from a small village in the country and most of my family live there which is call cause there close along with with my friends that ive grown up with.

Friends wise, i play a lot of sport, football, boxing, ice hockey, so most of my mates come from that! Plus im a trainee fireman, thats my job & thats got a relly good social life so a lot of mates there as well.

 

2) Cool thanks mate, i'll check them out!

 

3) Err she dosent really have many, never did, even when we were at school, her better friends have always been guys.

I guess my best mates sister & her get on pretty well, they met cause they both spend a lot of time at my house.

 

4) Pretty bad! I've only really spoken to her dad a few times, if we spend any amount of time at hers its her dad will be out for the day/night, other wise will be at mine or she'll tell me to text her when im outside & we'll go out.

From bits shes told me he fell apart when her mum died and so did there relationship, she had to look after herself.

She hasnt got any other family - her dads got a gf who has a little girl but they dont have anything to do with my friend so, yeah.

 

5) I, no i haven't! Yeah thats a good point, i never really thought, maybe i should ask her that!!

 

*I'm not sure in which country/state you guys live in and what kind of emotional/psychological support's available' date=' but I'd strongly recommend she/you look into it.*[/quote']

 

We're in england. Obviously im in the fire service but she's at college and i know they do have a free counselling service of sorts there.*

I can try and encourage her to have a go at that! She's never been that open to counselling in the past but then we were always with other people, like i say shes different when its just me and her, more open.

 

At some point she told me she feels I'm like her best friend and her father... yikes

 

Wow, yeah that does sound similar! Sometimes i feel like i playing boyfriend and family!

 

*perhaps you kind of in a way like that she needs you so much - i'm not judging you' date=' but looking back, a small part of me liked that that girl in my life needed me so much [/quote']

 

I dont like go around looking for situations where i can ride in on my white knight & play hero. But if i was being totally honest then yeah i do like helping people - not just her - I like y'know helping my aunt in when shes locked out or helping the guy who's car got stuck in the snow. thats why i went into the fire service. so yeah a part of me does like that she needs me & more that she trusts me. But not to the extent that she cant stand on her own two feet! More than that i want her to be happy and she wont be properly happy if she cant stand on her own two feet.

 

*Just imagine the scenario that now she doesn't get other support' date=' and then you guys get into a huge fight (maybe you can't stand it anymore, maybe you'll push her too much into becoming your gf,...) maybe (god forbid) you get sick, maybe (hopefully) you get a great job/study opportunity somewhere else,... So for some reason you won't (able to) be there for her - don't you wish she had some other support to fall back on in such a scenario?*[/quote']

 

Yeah no i totally get that! That does play on my mind - like what the hell would she do if i wasnt there! She is reckless and she makes snap decisions when shes upset so yeah i totally wish - well if i was wishing for stuff id want her to be able to steady up a bit - but failing that yeah id like to know that there are other people that she would go to!

 

*And last (but definitely not least)' date=' please, please, think about yourself! Trust me, you are the most important person in this story! [/quote']

 

haha dont worry about me - i'm a big boy! :L and i am pretty happy! But yeah I get what you mean we're hitting a brick wall the way we are at the moment!

 

Thanks again mate!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hey, great to hear from you!

 

Just a couple of questions&thoughts, if you don't mind:

 

1.) Has she ever talked to you about how come she doesn't have close female friends? Or do you have any idea why that might be so?

 

I'm just asking because it might help her a lot if she had female friends, because then there's no hidden sexual agenda, less need to seek (male/sexual) validation in such a relationship and perhaps it would give her lots of support.

 

I don't know, I hope guess the ladies on this site will be able to give you a female's perspective into all this...

 

2.) I really hope she will give some thought to counselling or other ways of getting help/support. I hope that when you talk to her about this that she'll eventually open her mind to this. Of course, I'd advise you to think carefully about how you'll broach this subject. I'm guessing it will take a couple of talks, you giving her time in between to think about stuff, ..., before she'll be willing to entertain this idea. I know that was the case in my story. Again, I hope the ladies/others here will give you an idea how to do this without scaring/manipulating/pressuring (too much) her into all this or away from you.

 

I strongly dislike guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, but I am in favour of telling the truth. So since she cares for you a lot, I hope she'll realize that she will not only be helping herself, but also you if she does this... At the very least, she will know you'll feel a bit better knowing she has other support than you (in case sth comes up with you),,,

 

Perhaps she could start with reading the books and slowly come to terms with the idea of perhaps seeing someone about this.

 

Maybe she's scared of going there and what she might find out about herself. It might reassure her if you offered to go with her the first (two) time(s), if that's possible... I mean, eventually she'll have to go on her own, but if your presence in the beginning will enable her to start, it's better than not going at all...

 

---

 

I didn't mean to imply that you're doing the white knight consciously/on purpose, but perhaps subconsciously. Maybe I was drawing too much from my experience. In a way I was thinking of the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing (you'll see in the book).

 

---

 

Yeah, playing boyfriend and family, I know how incredibly hard and confusing that is for you...

 

---

 

It was reassuring to read your answers! I hope all goes well (it will be a hard road in any case) and we'll be here to help you as much as we can.

 

Best wishes

[hppr]

haha dont worry about me - i'm a big boy! :L and i am pretty happy! But yeah I get what you mean we're hitting a brick wall the way we are at the moment!

 

Thanks again mate!

 

Read what I wrote again and again until you get it.

 

You're the gay best friend of a slutty chick who is a total head case.

 

Keep trying to be her best friend, hoping one day she'll stop being a slut and love you and only you but it'll NEVER, EVER HAPPEN.

 

In the meantime you are missing out on tons and tons of quality women who aren't sluts and who will appreciate and respect you (this girl doesn't, trust me she probably laughs about you to other people).

[WordvAction]

She isn't leading you on. She's actually made it very clear where you stand. That's she's not interested in you as a romantic partner. Of course she's "fragile". Do you know WHY she's emotionally open to you while she just pumps and dumps with other guys? Is it because she sees you as "better" than them? No, it's because you're safe. You're just a friend, and most important, you're not someone who is in a position to break her heart. She doesn't fear your judgement or your rejection. And because you're always there for her, she's come to depend on you for your support and friendship. So... yeah, she's not lying when she says she "loves you more" than the guys she is actually sleeping with, but she's not "in love" with you either. Which is what you are going for.

 

There are a TON of girls like this out there. She's not leading you on, nor is she "using" you in any sort of malicious way or anything, she sees you as a friend and simply takes what you provide for her. My read on her? She's polarizing and separates physical intimacy and emotional intimacy because she's afraid of emotional intimacy. Because let's be honest, you can't control who you are attracted to, but you CAN control who you let yourself to get close to emotionally. She'll sleep with the guys that she's attracted to to satisfy her physical needs, but will not let herself get emotionally attached to them, or even purposely chooses ones that she isn't crazy about, because she's afraid of putting that much of herself into a person that she could fall in love with and has the potential to let her down or break her heart. That's why she jumps from one guy to the next. But, on the other end of the spectrum she satisfies her emotional needs from guys that she isn't sexually interested in, because again, they're the guys who are not in a position to... again, break her heart and hurt her. Unfortunately, that's where you are. Basically, the reason she's close to you is not because she's interested in you as a lover, it's because she isn't.

 

Do a little mental experiment... switch places with her. Imagine if she was the one who came to you with her feelings. Would you respond to her the same way that she did to you? No, you wouldn't, because you don't feel the same way about her that she does about you. I'm not trying to be a hard ass, and I know that this stuff is hard to accept, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can move on.

 

THIS

 

"Read what I wrote again and again until you get it.

 

You're the gay best friend of a slutty chick who is a total head case.

 

Keep trying to be her best friend, hoping one day she'll stop being a slut and love you and only you but it'll NEVER, EVER HAPPEN.

 

In the meantime you are missing out on tons and tons of quality women who aren't sluts and who will appreciate and respect you (this girl doesn't, trust me she probably laughs about you to other people)."

 

AND THIS.

 

This will only end in heartbreak bud. I know you're probably not going to listen because you're head over heels in love with her, (I've been there and didn't listen) but you need to cut her off; either like a Band-Aid and complete cut-off contact, or telling her you need space to move on.

[Shepp]

Hey mate,

 

Sure, er im not really sure about the female friends thing, to be totally honest ive never thought about it particually!

I guess her sense of humour & sense of fun probably gives her more in common with lads. Like shopping or whatever wouldnt really do it for her, she'd be more into taking the boats out with me and the boys, but ive only known her since she was 15 so i dont know if thats always been the case or what.

Also she is stunning, thats not just me saying that, she is drop dead and without trying, which maybe does draw guys to her and possibly could intimidate girls a tad combined with her reputation for going through guys!

dunno thou, im just taking a punt there!*

 

I'm just asking because it might help her a lot if she had female friends' date=' because then there's no hidden sexual agenda, less need to seek (male/sexual) validation in such a relationship and perhaps it would give her lots of support.[/quote']

Yeah that makes sense, i dont really know what to do about that though!?

 

I had a chat with her about the whole counselling thing today, well it was more of a general chat about counselling!

Her kind of thinking is that she doesn't want to go over that part of her life again etc etc, but I'm pretty sure i can convince her - i usually can, i just need pick my words! Plus like shes not 13 anymore & shes not on her own anymore! I didnt think about the me offering to go with her though, that might do the trick!

 

So since she cares for you a lot' date=' I hope she'll realize that she will not only be helping herself, but also you if she does this... At the very least, she will know you'll feel a bit better knowing she has other support than you (in case sth comes up with you)[/quote']

This is true but i dont really know how to say that without making it sound like shes some sort of burden which wouldnt be good!

 

Perhaps she could start with reading the books and slowly come to terms with the idea of perhaps seeing someone about this.

Yeah that she'd definitely do! she reads a lot anyway! i'll look into them!

 

I didn't mean to imply that you're doing the white knight consciously/on purpose' date=' but perhaps subconsciously. Maybe I was drawing too much from my experience. In a way I was thinking of the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing (you'll see in the book).[/quote']

Yeah i agree! I probably do get my kicks out of helping people! I probably do get a kick out of helping her! I like making her happy y'know? Like genuinely completely happy even for *a short while! That makes me feel good!

i'll def check the book!

 

Yeah' date=' playing boyfriend and family, I know how incredibly hard and confusing that is for you...*[/quote']

i've never really spoken to anyone who gets that before!

 

It was reassuring to read your answers! I hope all goes well (it will be a hard road in any case) and we'll be here to help you as much as we can.

Thanks buddy! means a lot!

[Shepp]

This will only end in heartbreak bud. I know you're probably not going to listen because you're head over heels in love with her, (I've been there and didn't listen) but you need to cut her off; either like a Band-Aid and complete cut-off contact, or telling her you need space to move on.

 

I get what your saying mate but okay say im all 'i cant be just friends anymore' and i cut contact, right, so what does that achieve?

Forget me for a second - what the hell will she do? She reckons everyone leaves her and ive just gone a completely proved her right! Who looks out for her if i dont??

And me, i lose a really loyal mate and someone i love spending time with! I'm closer to this girl than i ever though i might be and if i walk away then all that just slips straight through my fingers!

 

Who wins?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I had this long long long reply written (even though this one will be a long one too:)), but I've decided that it's best that we talk about some stuff after you will have read at least a couple of chapters of the book(s), b/c it will be easier. Also, there are a couple of my threads showing my story, which will perhaps make it easier for you to understand who's giving you this advice on this side of the screen:)

 

Ok, having said that, onto my reply:)

 

--

 

Hi!

 

 

Glad to hear from you! How have you been doing these days? Watched any good football games (Eng-Mtg,...)?

 

 

Sure, er im not really sure about the female friends thing, to be totally honest ive never thought about it particually! /.../ Yeah that makes sense, i dont really know what to do about that though!?

 

I think it's very important that she eventually gets and keeps at least a couple of female friends.

 

You've mentioned that it's possible that the combination of everything is daunting for other girls. I understand that's a possibility, but I'm still certain that there are girls there that have boyfriends/are secure enough about themselves/interesting enough (for her) to be friends with her.

 

And there's no need to rush this, she doesn't have to strive to find her best friend for life immediately. Just start with taking baby steps towards enjoying herself in female company…

 

What kind you do about it? Well, talk to her, encourage her about this.

 

With her permission (I think it's very important that while helping her, you do it openly and in communication with her – I wouldn't go behind her back on anything….) talk to your best friend's sister (you've mentioned sth about her two getting along?) about how she could include your friend in her girl circle/female company, or, alternatively, how to help her find female friends (some female sport team?) etc.

 

Also, check the internet for the advice on this issue, and encourage your friend to do so. Maybe check out this site or other sites - Looking for Female Friends Seeking Women Online for Social Friendship . I don't know, I hope people here will help you/her. Maybe post a new thread in the »friendship« section of Loveshack, or get her to do that…

 

(btw, it's also important that you don't hand everything on a silver platter for her! Encourage her, accompany her in the beginning, but she has to make steps to help herself! You can only help her to an extent and you mustn't allow you to become her crutch, sbd who will do more for her than she does for herself. In my experience, if she feels like you're doing »everything« for her (in the process of helping her), it might have the opposite effect…)

 

Also (I know my post is all over the place today), I hope she will realize that perhaps to an extent she's seeking male validation in her relationships with guys (in my opinion, due to the »absence« of her father as a father figure….).

 

Also, since she misses her parental figures, it might be worthwhile for her to think about connecting with some »older« people (I don't know how else to put this) with which she might hit it off and eventually bond. I don't know, this is a tough situation, but I would seriously advise checking the internet, hotlines, free advice inbox of therapists etc. and most of all support groups of people who have lost their parent(s). How did they deal with it etc. , where (if at all) did they find »substitute« parental figures (mostly for advice/guidance, not material support) etc.

 

Because I've been thinking that perhaps she could join some activity (local female theater or sth) where she could meet some older women with which she could eventually entrust. Or maybe through volunteer work (co-»workers«, or perhaps volunteer work for elderly etc. -> from my experience, a lot of older people are lonely, but really willing to listen and give advice to young people). I don't know, maybe I'm rambling a bit, but point is, she has to start building a support network. Since I don't know anyone who has been through this, I can only try to imagine what she could do, which is why it's important that she/you contact the people/groups that have dealt with this and are more experienced.

 

 

 

I had a chat with her about the whole counselling thing today, well it was more of a general chat about counselling!

Her kind of thinking is that she doesn't want to go over that part of her life again etc etc, but I'm pretty sure i can convince her - i usually can, i just need pick my words!

 

 

I'm glad you've started talking to hear about this. I can imagine that she wishes to forget all this and that »she doesn't want to go over that part of her life again etc etc« , but I hope she'll realize that that part of her life is still very much affecting her (subconsciously,…) and that on some subconscious level, she's »going over it« every day much more than if she dealt with it consciously…

 

I hope I make sense here… I hope that you won't have to convince her, but that she'll start to realize that herself (after reading the books, contemplating her life,…).

 

 

Plus like shes not 13 anymore & shes not on her own anymore!

 

I'm not sure what you meant here?

 

I didnt think about the me offering to go with her though, that might do the trick!

 

Yep, I hope so too. Perhaps some counsellors will not allow third parties such as yourself be present, but perhaps they'll make an exception at least for the first (couple of) session(s).

 

This is true but i dont really know how to say that without making it sound like shes some sort of burden which wouldnt be good!

 

Yes, I understand that,

!

 

Yeah i agree! I probably do get my kicks out of helping people! I probably do get a kick out of helping her! I like making her happy y'know? Like genuinely completely happy even for *a short while! That makes me feel good!

i'll def check the book!

 

Uf, I know about this. But what I've learnt is (hopefully I've learnt it:)) that it's ok to help people help themselves, but that it's not ok for them or you to rely (solely/predominantly) on you for their happiness. So at the moment I'm trying to learn how to be happy on my own, because I also think that me being such a "helper" was a way of running away from my own unhappiness/void/issues. I hope that with you that's not an issue and that you're just genuienly a nice persone, unlike lil' ol' selfish me:)

 

 

//

 

Looking forward to hearing from you, and best of wishes!

[Shepp]

Hey buddy

 

I've decided that it's best that we talk about some stuff after you will have read

at least a couple of chapters of the book(s), b/c it will be easier. Also, there are a couple of my threads showing my story, which will perhaps make it easier for you to understand who's giving you this advice on this side of the screen:)

Yeah i started reading 2 of those books! I really get the toxic parents one, i'll get her to have a look at it, i think its pretty bang in with the problems shes got with her dad. Cause i think although she'd tell you he wasnt there and she had to grow up to quick i think there is an element of feeling that she wasnt enough for him. y'know, like after her mum died she wasnt enough of a reason for her dad to keep it together, like im not quite sure but i think he was pretty depressed for a few years but now he's got his new girlfriend & her daughter and he's happy but shes told me that she feels like her and her dad are strangers.

 

I also started 'no more mr nice guy', its intresting. i dont know, it deffo does make me happy to do things for other people and the liking to fix stuff and repress feelings probably are on the money as well!

I dont really think i avoid conflict though or go out of my way to please other people, im not afraid to dig my heels in even if its controversal- in fact my mums into horoscopes and all that and she'd tell you im a typical taurus - stubbon as hell! :L

I think, like i know im a good guy, not perfect but who is, i make the choices i think are right & if people dont like me they can take a hike.

I dunno its kind like physical stuff id do, like be there at 2 in the morning for a mate or climb in the window when my sisters locked out but i wouldnt ever tow the line of someone elses opinion if i didnt believe in just for the sake of not rocking the boat.

I dont let people walk over me - which i do know some people think is what i do with her, like i let her use me or whatever, but its way more 2-way than that.

Like i do look out for her a lot but thats such a habit, like she's such a force of energy, and im so used to reining her in when shes gonna do something stupid, or even when were out just keeping one eye out for her - picking up her drink when she leaves it unattended which is ALL THE TIME, charging her phone when i do mine cause i know she'll forget, just little stuff you know?

But at the same time it is a 2 way thing, like i do those things, but she comes to watch me box & watched red bull rampage with me althought i know shes not a fan of either, and i hurt myself and was in hospital, must of been a few years back, and she was there all the time, bringing me stuff and she as just really good, outsiders jsut dont see that side y'know?

 

Sorry i've just gone completely off topic, rambling on about irrelaventness! haha! :L

god focus alfie!!

 

How have you been doing these days? Watched any good football games (Eng-Mtg' date='...)?[/quote']

not too bad! yourself mate?

Yeah i watched the first alf at work but got called out and missed the second half -thought from what ive heard, that was a bit of a blessing! :L

 

 

I think it's very important that she eventually gets and keeps at least a couple of female friends.

You've mentioned that it's possible that the combination of everything is daunting for other girls. I understand that's a possibility, but I'm still certain that there are girls there that have boyfriends/are secure enough about themselves/interesting enough (for her) to be friends with her.

Yeah I agree!

I could deffo talk to my best mates sister. I think thats the problem she dosent let people see that shes a really nice, down to earth person they just get the tough as nails act. and my mates sisters spent enough time around her when shes just being real to get so that like i say they do get along!

 

And I get the 'not doing it all for her' thing as well!

 

Also (I know my post is all over the place today)' date=' I hope she will realize that perhaps to an extent she's seeking male validation in her relationships with guys (in my opinion, due to the »absence« of her father as a father figure….).[/quote']

Yeah i guess that would make sense!

 

 

Also, since she misses her parental figures, it might be worthwhile for her to think about connecting with some »older« people (I don't know how else to put this) with which she might hit it off and eventually bond. I don't know, this is a tough situation, but I would seriously advise checking the internet, hotlines, free advice inbox of therapists etc. and most of all support groups of people who have lost their parent(s). How did they deal with it etc. , where (if at all) did they find »substitute« parental figures (mostly for advice/guidance, not material support) etc.

Because I've been thinking that perhaps she could join some activity (local female theater or sth) where she could meet some older women with which she could eventually entrust. Or maybe through volunteer work (co-»workers«, or perhaps volunteer work for elderly etc. -> from my experience, a lot of older people are lonely, but really willing to listen and give advice to young people)

Yeah that does make sense - i'll have a think! I mean shes pretty close to my family, cause she stays at mine a lot, and she comes to our family get togethers (we have a lot of family get togethers haha). But again thats obviously linked to me! I can see that it would be pretty win win to find some little lonely old lady somewhere who'd be pleased of the company and at the same time be a bit of support for Alex someone she could turn to!

Where you find such people im not sure! :L

 

 

I'm glad you've started talking to hear about this. I can imagine that she wishes to forget all this and that »she doesn't want to go over that part of her life again etc etc« ' date=' but I hope she'll realize that that part of her life is still very much affecting her (subconsciously,…) and that on some subconscious level, she's »going over it« every day much more than if she dealt with it consciously… [/quote']

Yeah i totally agree with that, it absolutely does affect pretty much every choice she makes!

Like, warning i might be rambling again here :L the not long ago now we were like watching some tele and playing monopoly (i am very competitive guy and when it comes to monopoly even more so lol) and she was just cuddled into my chest which is nothing out the ordinary. She was messing about trying to take a 'loan' from the bank and i was just like "you cant do that you donut" and she kissed me, which isnt the first time but y'know, and then like click of your fingers she just pulls right away and im like "Alex you cant be mad at me cause you kissed me" and she just goes "im not mad at you, i could never be mad at you gorgeous, its just [and i quote] it scares the hell out of me that being with you makes me want something i was doing fine without". Now like i say that was rambling but the point of the story is that thats not like a rational thought out decision, is it? thats someone who's letting there past effect everything? I dunno.

 

Uf' date=' I know about this. But what I've learnt is (hopefully I've learnt it:)) that it's ok to help people help themselves, but that it's not ok for them or you to rely (solely/predominantly) on you for their happiness. So at the moment I'm trying to learn how to be happy on my own, because I also think that me being such a "helper" was a way of running away from my own unhappiness/void/issues. I hope that with you that's not an issue and that you're just genuienly a nice persone, unlike lil' ol' selfish me:)[/quote']

I dont think your selfish mate

Do you make like conscious choices then, to like go against your instinct?

 

I think, like im not a pushover, but i probably do make exceptions here and there for her cause. Like i do think that whoever you are, everybody needs people they love and that they know love them, and like i say ive got a really big family and close mates and i know theres people who've got my back and who care about me, and like she hasnt got that. And im not really the type of guy to talk about his feelings but i do do stuff for her and stuff cause i want her to know that if nothing else shes got me, and i love her and i care.

and that im not going anywhere but im not always convinved that she quite believes that!

 

anyway thanks again mate! hope your well!!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, just wanted to say I'll reply this weekend:) Cheers

[Shepp]

Hi' date=' just wanted to say I'll reply this weekend:) Cheers[/quote']

 

Hey dont worry whenever buddy! I appreciate your time!

[Calvin's wagon]

Yeah i started reading 2 of those books! I really get the toxic parents one, i'll get her to have a look at it, i think its pretty bang in with the problems shes got with her dad.

 

That's great to hear, I'm keeping my fingers crossed! I would strongly advise you to try to contact some support group (with experience with "abandoned" children), someone with more experience in psychology, your best mate's sister (girls are different, after all...),... as soon as possible (and insofar as you can with protecting her privacy) for them to give you suggestions on how to best approach/deal with all this, what to expect and so forth.

 

eah i started reading 2 of those books! I really get the toxic parents one, i'll get her to have a look at it, i think its pretty bang in with the problems shes got with her dad. Cause i think although she'd tell you he wasnt there and she had to grow up to quick i think there is an element of feeling that she wasnt enough for him. y'know, like after her mum died she wasnt enough of a reason for her dad to keep it together, like im not quite sure but i think he was pretty depressed for a few years but now he's got his new girlfriend & her daughter and he's happy but shes told me that she feels like her and her dad are strangers.

 

That's a great analysis from you and an excellent point.

 

I also started 'no more mr nice guy', its intresting. i dont know, it deffo does make me happy to do things for other people and the liking to fix stuff and repress feelings probably are on the money as well! /..../ I dont let people walk over me - which i do know some people think is what i do with her, like i let her use me or whatever, but its way more 2-way than that.

 

That's great to hear, I'm glad that we're different in this regard and that you don't seem to be the "bad kind of Mr. Nice Guy", but just a genuinely nice guy! I still hope you will finish the book, just in case anything rings a bell - I think inside there's plenty of good advice for normal guys, and maybe you will recognize some of your mates in this book and will be able to help them.

 

Like i do look out for her a lot but thats such a habit, like she's such a force of energy, and im so used to reining her in when shes gonna do something stupid, or even when were out just keeping one eye out for her - picking up her drink when she leaves it unattended which is ALL THE TIME, charging her phone when i do mine cause i know she'll forget, just little stuff you know?

But at the same time it is a 2 way thing, like i do those things, but she comes to watch me box & watched red bull rampage with me althought i know shes not a fan of either, and i hurt myself and was in hospital, must of been a few years back, and she was there all the time, bringing me stuff and she as just really good, outsiders jsut dont see that side y'know?

 

Sorry i've just gone completely off topic, rambling on about irrelaventness! haha! :L

 

No problemos, in a way it's nice to read this and it really makes me hope even more that somehow you two will end up together:), but I'm still worried that ultimately you will be there for her much longer than it'd be good for you and that you'll run yourself into the ground (more emotionally than physically...) for her and ultimately in vain. Not because she'd be a bad person, but because perhaps ultimately you two just weren't meant to be together/compatible enough (as lovers), were/felt too differently, or because one/both of you approached things in a wrong/awkward way, or because perhaps that now wasn't the right moment for you two and it might be after only after 5, 10 years. Who knows, life's mysterious, but I just wouldn't want you to break down or "lose" too many years, a "more perfect" girl for you,..., trying in vain to "rescue" her and finally have her fall for you. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you too, but I'm also hoping that when the time comes, you'll do what's best for you, even though it might not be what you'll want and even though you'll think it might be the hardest thing you've ever had to to...

 

Yeah i watched the first alf at work but got called out and missed the second half -thought from what ive heard, that was a bit of a blessing! :L

 

Haha, yep, I was shocked at England's play, I really thought Roy would be turning them around by now... So lucky break for you:)

 

Yeah I agree!

I could deffo talk to my best mates sister. I think thats the problem she dosent let people see that shes a really nice, down to earth person they just get the tough as nails act. and my mates sisters spent enough time around her when shes just being real to get so that like i say they do get along!

 

Great, I hope she'll be able to help (but again, i think it'd be best if you ask her first before asking your mate's sister - at the moment the crucial thing is to maintain her trust, because once you'd lose it, it might be too hard to help her after that...)

 

Yeah that does make sense - i'll have a think! I mean shes pretty close to my family, cause she stays at mine a lot, and she comes to our family get togethers (we have a lot of family get togethers haha). But again thats obviously linked to me! I can see that it would be pretty win win to find some little lonely old lady somewhere who'd be pleased of the company and at the same time be a bit of support for Alex someone she could turn to!

Where you find such people im not sure! :L

 

I'd suggest contacting various charity/volunteer work organizations to ask about the possibility of volunteer work with the elderly, but most of all I'd again suggest you contact the support groups (for people who's parents died,...) and ask them for advice on everything, including this.

 

Yeah i totally agree with that, it absolutely does affect pretty much every choice she makes!

Like, warning i might be rambling again here :L the not long ago now we were like watching some tele and playing monopoly (i am very competitive guy and when it comes to monopoly even more so lol) and she was just cuddled into my chest which is nothing out the ordinary. She was messing about trying to take a 'loan' from the bank and i was just like "you cant do that you donut" and she kissed me, which isnt the first time but y'know, and then like click of your fingers she just pulls right away and im like "Alex you cant be mad at me cause you kissed me" and she just goes "im not mad at you, i could never be mad at you gorgeous, its just [and i quote] it scares the hell out of me that being with you makes me want something i was doing fine without". Now like i say that was rambling but the point of the story is that thats not like a rational thought out decision, is it? thats someone who's letting there past effect everything? I dunno.

 

That's really bitter-sweet to read... I really hope both of you will get what you need&want!

 

I dont think your selfish mate

 

I don't know, sometimes I think I've gotten so used to playing a role and struggling to please the people important to me that I don't really know who the real me is. So perhaps I'm just a great actor

 

I think, like im not a pushover, but i probably do make exceptions here and there for her cause. Like i do think that whoever you are, everybody needs people they love and that they know love them, and like i say ive got a really big family and close mates and i know theres people who've got my back and who care about me, and like she hasnt got that. And im not really the type of guy to talk about his feelings but i do do stuff for her and stuff cause i want her to know that if nothing else shes got me, and i love her and i care.

and that im not going anywhere but im not always convinved that she quite believes that!

 

I understand what you mean! I used to say to my ex gf that i'd be there for her no matter what, and I told myself that I wouldn't leave her and give up on her. And she too was really sweet very often to me, but she'd be saying to me a lot of similar things to what your friend is saying (hah, I think, taking into account the cultural variation, they have the same name:D), and then the bad things would just keep coming and coming, i'd keep getting hurt and trying to withstand everything just for her, and ultimately i was messed up even more than in the beginning, and in the end she broke it off with me, saying that it's better for the both of us, and that she needs to get herself together before she's with anyone, to find out who she is, to be independent of anyone for a while,... And I'm afraid that might happen with you and your friend. I don't want to jinx anything or plant negative thoughts into your head, I'm just trying to help.

 

anyway thanks again mate! hope your well!!

 

No problemo, glad to help, things are slowly starting to look up:)

[Shepp]

Hey buddy

Had a good easter?

 

I would strongly advise you to try to contact some support group (with experience with "abandoned" children)' date=' someone with more experience in psychology, your best mate's sister (girls are different, after all...),... as soon as possible (and insofar as you can with protecting her privacy) for them to give you suggestions on how to best approach/deal with all this, what to expect and so forth. [/quote']

Yeah I totally agree! I really try but I don’t have experience of anything like that so I think she’d benefit from talking to someone who does!

Its difficult obviously cause the last thing id want to do would be to compromise her trust, even for the right reasons, so I have bring her round to the idea first!

Maybe make it seem like its her idea, haha, that’s what she reckons she does with me – I think girls are just better at stuff like that thou!

 

 

That's great to hear' date=' I'm glad that we're different in this regard and that you don't seem to be the "bad kind of Mr. Nice Guy", but just a genuinely nice guy! I still hope you will finish the book, just in case anything rings a bell - I think inside there's plenty of good advice for normal guys, and maybe you will recognize some of your mates in this book and will be able to help them. [/quote']

Yeah I’ll definitely read it, like I say its interesting, and there’s bits that definitely remind me of me.

Actually ironically Alex would love it, cause she loves to psychoanalysis everyone but herself!

 

 

I'm still worried that ultimately you will be there for her much longer than it'd be good for you and that you'll run yourself into the ground (more emotionally than physically...) for her and ultimately in vain. Not because she'd be a bad person' date=' but because perhaps ultimately you two just weren't meant to be together/compatible enough (as lovers), were/felt too differently, or because one/both of you approached things in a wrong/awkward way, or because perhaps that now wasn't the right moment for you two and it might be after only after 5, 10 years. Who knows, life's mysterious, but I just wouldn't want you to break down or "lose" too many years, a "more perfect" girl [u']for you[/u],..., trying in vain to "rescue" her and finally have her fall for you. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for you too, but I'm also hoping that when the time comes, you'll do what's best for you, even though it might not be what you'll want and even though you'll think it might be the hardest thing you've ever had to to...

Its probably a personality flaw of mine that I’m no quitter – when its sport or my job people think it’s a good thing and they say your determined, but I cant turn it off and on, so outside of those things people think you’re a stubborn git! :L I’d like to think that id know when it was time to hold my hands up and walk away and that then I could do it, but I dunno, its just, if im being realistic, not something I can imagine myself doing!

If you don’t mind me asking how did you know when it was time to give up the chase with your ex?

 

Haha' date=' yep, I was shocked at England's play, I really thought Roy would be turning them around by now... So lucky break for you [/quote']

True! I’ve gotta be honest im no roy hodgson fan! I think the whole team needs a big shake up and he’s not the man for that!

I wanted ‘Arry Redknapp! Haha!

You’re a football man then?

 

Great' date=' I hope she'll be able to help (but again, i think it'd be best if you ask her first before asking your mate's sister - at the moment the crucial thing is to maintain her trust, because once you'd lose it, it might be too hard to help her after that...) [/quote']

Yeah that’s exactly what I was getting at earlier – she trusts me which is a big deal for her, so I don’t wanna compromise that!

I feel a bit like im on a secret mission - I cant bring it up to much or she’ll think im being weird cause I would never normally turn the conversation that way, so I have to kinda subtly steer her into bringing it up………..I would make a damn good spy!!

 

I'd suggest contacting various charity/volunteer work organizations to ask about the possibility of volunteer work with the elderly' date=' but most of all I'd again suggest you contact the support groups (for people who's parents died,...) and ask them for advice on everything, including this. [/quote']

Thanks mate, I’ll have a little look around!

She’s training to be primary teacher so I may be way off but I’d figure that’s quite a predominantly female job, which might throw up some girl friends is a couple of years!

 

I don't know' date=' sometimes I think I've gotten so used to playing a role and struggling to please the people important to me that I don't really know who the real me is. So perhaps I'm just a great actor [/quote']

I’ve never really though about it before but I think maybe everyone acts. Your taught to as a kid aren’t you – ‘say thank you’, ‘smile’, ‘play nice’, ‘make a good first impression’.

We have a sign up in the fire station that says “being brave is being the only one who knows your scared” – I really like that! I’m claustrophobic and people are always surprised about that because of the job I do, but its because I pretend I’m not whenever I’m making a decision, it doesn’t stop me hating small spaces, but I act in spite of it. Im sure when we’re in a fire people would say im really cool headed and calm and I guess some regards I’m acting, playing the part!

I dunno, I never really give that much thought to stuff like that – its interesting!

 

I understand what you mean! I used to say to my ex gf that i'd be there for her no matter what' date=' and I told myself that I wouldn't leave her and give up on her. And she too was really sweet very often to me, but she'd be saying to me a lot of similar things to what your friend is saying (hah, I think, taking into account the cultural variation, they have the same name ), and then the bad things would just keep coming and coming, i'd keep getting hurt and trying to withstand everything just for her, and ultimately i was messed up even more than in the beginning, and in the end she broke it off with me, saying that it's better for the both of us, and that she needs to get herself together before she's with anyone, to find out who she is, to be independent of anyone for a while,... And I'm afraid that might happen with you and your friend. I don't want to jinx anything or plant negative thoughts into your head, I'm just trying to help. [/quote']

Ahh no I do appreciate it mate! I've never really spoke to anyone who..’gets it’ before, y’know?

Its, its hard aint it. Like I’m pretty happy with my life, id like to be with her, to properly be with her, but we do pretty good as friends, we always have. People ask me like ‘how doesn’t it kill you that she sleeps with other guys’ and I guess, well partly I guess because shes not my girlfriend, but also because I do believe her that she doesn’t give a toss about them and realistically the girl they sleep isn’t the girl I know. Does that sound stupid? I mean like they see such a different side to her that I do, they wouldn’t even recognize her with me! Like right now im closer to her than I ever thought I would get, probably than anyone who knew her ever though I would get (she only started talking to me on her first day cause she thought captain of the football team would be a good one to cross of her list early on! :L haha) which makes me feel like I am making progress, slowly, I am getting through to her!

I dunno its difficult, theres lots of other girls, I know that but I want her! And if I've said it once I’ll say it again, im a stubborn git! :L

 

(hah' date=' I think, taking into account the cultural variation, they have the same name ),[/quote']

haha no way, how strange is that!!

 

Cheers pal!

[flight E]

Was in somethin similar until last week. Am 37 met this 24 year old girl on the street one day talked but she didn't seem interested. We became friendly n after a while found out she was an orphan. Am a kind person so I started helpin out just as a friend. We got closer n she didn't have anywhere to stay so she moved in with me. After 2months started noticing good qualities in her like her openess n honesty and care. Got to really like her. We became sexual only d night we were to have sex after she showed huge attractn for me throughout the day, I declined as I didn't want her to feel used. After that I requested that we date but she said I was much older than her and I looked it. Also she was more into physicaly handsome guys. She told me she felt disgusted about our sexual encounter but she came 4 times just from me touching her. She soon left my house but I saw her as sometin more than just a love interest I was like a parent and broder and lover to her. I dotted on her in every way posible but she said we should just be friends. Found out she was dating someone and when I got angry and possessive she called me a stalker and that I should leave her alone. My fear is breaking no contact becos if I do I will hate myself. Though I am not perfect I honestly did what was best for her throughout our time and was extremely good to her. To be called a stalker really demeans me. I just want to control the urge to reach her, but guys I want you full opinion on whether she will ever call back and what's the best approach if she does. Though am expectin to hear from her at the end of the month as she has my computer which I borrowed her. We were so close. Had had lots of quarrels but always she called back the difference her is that in this one she asked me to leave her. I care about her but I don't want any more insults.

[Shepp]

flight E:

maybe she always say you as a bit of a father figure and the flirting was cause she thought that was what you wanted from her? Just a theory!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi, Shepp, how are you doing? I hope things are looking up!