Misery loves company– anyone out there dealt with catching your significant other

[feelingused]

I mean the title to say "having emotional affairs (texting/emailing) etc.?"

 

I am prepping for a breakup and just feeling really depressed and alone right now, so just reaching out to see how others have handled it, how you are doing, etc., etc. We are engaged, we live together, and I am now just working out my finances for us to move out and move on.

 

Let me start off by saying, I am not young…both my soon to be ex and I are basically the same age (he’s a month younger than me), we are both 40. So, I’ve hadlong term relationships and I would say, this is the first time I've given someone so many chances.

 

We have been together now for 4 years, lived together for 2.5, and have been engaged a little over a year. I’ve caught him four times now emailing/texting another woman….each time it’s one other woman – not multiple. When I find out, they have usually been emailing back and forth for a while, 3-4 months, and I catch him before anything physical has happened, but when I do see the emails, he is clearly “prepping” it if he wants it to go in that direction. I confront him, and each time I listen to his begging, pleading and I somehow let him convince me that it’ll stop, and we can move on. The third time I did break it off, but after a week he begged me to take him back, that I can have all passwords to any emails/phones, whatever I wanted, to be able to continue the relationship. Well, I stupidly did that, but I told myself if anything happens again, I’ll break it off. So, he proposed and we got engaged…and things were good, but 8 months after we get engaged, he started getting defensive about a woman friend of his, and so my suspicions started up again – and yes, his relationship with her is not physical, but inappropriate for a man who is engaged. He is basically telling her that he isn’t happy with me, and that he cares for her “so much” and about how he thinks about her sexually. So, finally, finally – I am done. It’ll only get worse, not better, and unless I want to become a bitter woman for the rest of my life, I am done dealing with his crap. The day to day stuff with us was good, we talked a lot and laughed, so its not like we are fighting all the time, etc, etc. When this comes up, it is usually after a particularly good stretch of time within our relationship where I feel like it might be possible for us to be really happy…then bam, he does it again.

 

Just sort of dealing with it now, dealing with the practicalities of moving out and separating our stuff, you know, all that little irritating stuff. Just wondering who else has dealt with this type of situation…

[Neffer]

Well....I was once on the other end - partaking in a brief emotional affair while in a relationship, but I was 19 and had gone through a traumatic experience ....and I learned my lesson. I still feel guilty though everyone involved has forgiven. Your guy is more than old enough to know better and has done this repeatedly. Clearly you have made the right decision.

 

 

You are handling this as well as can be expected, and I second what Amy said. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, but you are doing the right thing.

[venusianx13]

Yes, I've been through something similar. I was with my ex for about 6 years, and we were engaged twice during that time. He engaged in emotional and physical cheating on me during the latter 4 years of the relationship. I always ended up taking him back, even after two episodes of physical cheating. What ensued is that I became so resentful of him that I ended up having a short-lived fling toward the end of our relationship. It was something I never, ever thought I would do... but I felt stuck, and as I said, resentful. However, prior to my cheating, I tried to have two or three heart-to-hearts with him and break it off, but he never accepted it. Any time I tried to distance myself, he'd find ways to reel me in. I really think he got off on someone being hopelessly "devoted" to him, despite him being a lying, cheating creep. He started talking about moving in and actually getting married, and I realized I didn't want to marry this guy and told him about my fling. He was so "devastated" that he f*cked a barmaid the next night at a bar he frequented after work. That was the end for us.

 

I very quickly got over HIM, but I don't think I gave myself enough time to fully process the feelings of betrayal, hurt, etc., that I experienced in the relationship. Which is why I vent on LS from time to time about any unresolved feelings that creep up and hinder my current relationship. I don't want to use that relationship as a template for my current, healthy and loving relationship. It's a struggle, though...six years was too long to put up with that kind of crap. Your FOUR years was too long. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I promise you, it can only get better after he's gone.