Uncomfortable with best friend being close to girl who was always after my ex?

[Sweeetie]

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 8 months ago after a 7-month relationship. I stopped missing him a couple of months ago and I don't want anything more to do with him, I have even been in love with another man since, however there is an issue related to my old relationship which bothers me currently.

 

My ex had a fondness of rock music and most of our friends didn't share this passion except for one girl, a girl who was a new friend of mine since I had only become acquainted with her 2 months before my ex and I got together (I had met them both at a party thrown by a mutual friend, and I had gone to this party with my best friend who also met them both for the first time there). Sharing this passion for rock music they always went to a gig together every week during my relationship with him, just the two of them. I was completely fine with this and always wanted him to follow his passions through. I noticed however that this girl always seemed to emit some coldness towards me and didn't seem to like me very much. For example, she was never interested in talking to me and never reciprocated my efforts to start conversation. When she organised little get-togethers during our relationship, she invited my ex and our other friends but not me even though we were all in the same circle of friends, I only went because my ex brought me along to them, and in contrast I always invited her whenever I would organise a group meetup. I was a little bewildered by her treatment of me because it is in my nature to be friendly and kind to people. I could tell that my ex didn't seem to like her that much; it was always her who was inviting him to go to these rock gigs and making effort to start conversation with him when we all met up as a group; not really the other way round.

 

After my ex broke up with me, I found out from my best friend that this girl and my ex had slept together at that party where I'd met them both for the first time, 2 months before he started a relationship with me. This had happened towards the end of the night and I had left that party early. He had sent her a text the day after this night of passion, saying he was sorry but he didn't want to be in a relationship with her. This was news to me; nobody had ever told me this and my best friend was shocked since she thought that my ex had told me about it. It explained the resentment that this girl portrayed towards me during my relationship.

 

My best friend told me that this girl confessed to her at the start of my relationship with my ex how disappointed she was with the fact that my ex and I were together, how he had rejected her and chosen me to be his girlfriend.

 

That is all in the past, but what bothers me now is that this girl is very very close to my best friend. I spoke to my best friend about this recently, I asked her why during the course of my relationship with my ex she offered an ear to this girl to listen to all her moans about my ex and I being together and her disappointment; why she had not been loyal to me- why she had made this girl think it was OK to confess all this to her as if thinking that she was on her side. My best friend explained to me that she had actually intentionally made this girl feel comfortable with confessing everything to her because it was the only way that she could keep an eye on the girl and ensure that she wasn't trying to jeopardise my relationship with my ex. So she had been acting like a spy for me. I am very grateful to my best friend for doing this, I have known her for 3 years and she has never shown me anything but the greatest of care.

 

However, what bothers me is that my best friend is very very close to this girl even now. My best friend said it seemed that this girl had "changed", and my best friend said she believes in forgiveness. This girl doesn't have many friends and she went through quite a tough time last year, so my best friend feels like being there for her. This girl had been out of town since about a month before my ex and I had broken up since she had dropped out of university and went back home to live with her parents. Now she's in town again, starting a new course, and she told my best friend she wants to re-kindle the friendship with my ex. I don't mind that at all, I don't love my ex anymore.

 

But what I do mind is that my best friend is so close to a girl who always hated me despite my best efforts to be friends with her, and who kept inviting my ex to go out with her during our relationship when she had wanted him all along.

I have never been one to tell my friends who they should and should not be friends with, but I am just not comfortable with my best friend being so close to this girl. Am I over-reacting, or should I tell her this again?

Edited March 14, 2013 by Sweeetie

[nonameforme]

Honestly, here's my honest feedback--be mostly angry at your ex, not this girl. He should have informed you that he basically used this girl for his "night of passion" and then still accepted her invitations to events that you weren't invited to. Yes, he brought you along, so he gets some credit, but if he was being an up front person, he would have filled you in, "I think you should know, I had a one night stand with this girl the same night I met you. I slept with her and then decided to pursue you instead". Would you still be okay with him going to her parties, even though you were invited along by him? I sure wouldn't be happy with it.

Can you really blame this girl for being upset? It's not your fault at all, but the guy she liked (and slept with) threw her out like a piece of garbage after having sex with her. And instead of being mad at him, she still pursued him. Maybe she felt that it was within her rights, and that you were the one who "took" him away. I know that isn't what happened according to you, but she may think that you knew about the first night you all met. She misdirected her hurt feelings and blamed you instead of him. But I can sort of understand why she wouldn't want to be around you (and that doesn't mean you did anything wrong), but her feelings were hurt. No one likes being used. It's the d-bag you were both wanting to date that sounds like the real piece of work here. You both should stay away from him.

Now about this girl being close to your best friend. Sorry, but you don't really get to choose your best friend's friends. Maybe this girl is a snake, maybe she really is an awful person, but if your friend is wise and these things are true, she'll figure it out. You say your friend has been solid and trustworthy for the years you've known her. You've expressed your concern. She's a big girl. To bring it up to her again would probably seem like you were dictating who she can hang out with. Not your place, in my opinion.

Sorry, this may not be what you want to hear, but you asked, so I'm being honest.

[anna121]

People are not always what they appear to be. For example, I think it is even money that more happened between your ex and this girl, and that he is not quite the stand-up, innocent guy made out here. Similarly, there may be lots of good qualities in this girl that your friend now has come to appreciate, and enjoy.

 

In any event, I think that if you bring this up again you will cause a big rift in your friendship. If it were me, I would be pretty irritated.

 

Can you not simply put their friendship out of your mind? It is absolutely none of your business. You could just tell to your friend that you would appreciate it if she would not mention her to you.

 

If you can't do that, I would get distance from your friend. But I would NOT ask or imply that she end the friendship. That, in itself, is not the act of a true friend. And it likely will make her very resentful of you.

[GSB81]

Here we have another example of a platonic friendship being much more than meets the eye. You were okay with your ex and this girl going to shows alone, even tho she seemed to have a problem with you? Anyway, that's not the issue. If I were you, I'd put some distance between myself and my supposed best friend. People throw around the term "best friend" too freely these days, especially early 20s females. If she were your "best friend" she would have clued you into the fact that your bfs concert buddy was someone he'd banged and she was still after him.

[Sweeetie]

 

Can you not simply put their friendship out of your mind? It is absolutely none of your business. You could just tell to your friend that you would appreciate it if she would not mention her to you.

 

If you can't do that, I would get distance from your friend. But I would NOT ask or imply that she end the friendship. That, in itself, is not the act of a true friend. And it likely will make her very resentful of you.

 

There is something else that I ought to mention here. When my best friend told me about this bit of history between this girl and my ex, my ex and I were in no contact and we were never going to be in contact again so I contacted the girl to ask her about what really happened. She answered the questions I had (it was over online chat), but one week after this conversation I had with her, she emailed me and said it was "very rude of me to ask her such questions", that she did not want to be reminded of the past and I had made her dive back into it by going down memory lane. I replied to her saying that I was sorry she felt that way but that I did have a right to ask her the questions since she was seeing my ex so much during our relationship and nobody had mentioned their history to me. This girl forwarded my email to my best friend and said "Make her understand that it was wrong of her, how dare she ask me those questions?" but my best friend was loyal and said to her that she and I are bound to disagree here and that she needs to accept that. So you see, their friendship isn't just a friendship; this girl thinks that my best friend is more on her side than on mine and is trying to use that to her advantage.

 

If she were your "best friend" she would have clued you into the fact that your bfs concert buddy was someone he'd banged and she was still after him.

 

This is the thing; she thought that my ex would have had sense enough to tell me about this at the start of our relationship. The others in our group also thought the same, I was the only one who didn't know about it ironically. She just happened to mention it in passing to me after our relationship ended and she was surprised that that was the first time I was hearing about it.

Edited March 15, 2013 by Sweeetie

[nonameforme]

There is something else that I ought to mention here. When my best friend told me about this bit of history between this girl and my ex, my ex and I were in no contact and we were never going to be in contact again so I contacted the girl to ask her about what really happened. She answered the questions I had (it was over online chat), but one week after this conversation I had with her, she emailed me and said it was "very rude of me to ask her such questions", that she did not want to be reminded of the past and I had made her dive back into it by going down memory lane. I replied to her saying that I was sorry she felt that way but that I did have a right to ask her the questions since she was seeing my ex so much during our relationship and nobody had mentioned their history to me.

 

Sweetie,

I don't think this girl owes you an explanation. Your ex-boyfriend does. She had sex with him before you and he got together, right? He promptly told her that it didn't mean anything and I bet that felt wonderful to her. And then he started dating you. Between the two of them, she was the one who got rejected. Your ex-boyfriend was still in contact with her but never told you that they had hooked up in the past. He still hung out with her during your relationship with him. He should have told you what was going on. That would have been the respectful thing to do. She was cold to you because I believe she viewed you as the reason for why she was dumped. Now you are expecting an explanation for her actions of an event that happened before you and this guy started dating. Even if he screwed around on you with her while you were dating, then I still feel that he is the one who needs to be held primarily accountable, not her. She doesn't really "owe" you anything. It's fine if you don't care for her (and I'm sure she does not care for you either). However, she wasn't the one in a relationship with you and owing you a modicum of respect. . . but he certainly was. He's the person that wasn't honest and decent, in my opinion.

What you are doing is really not much different in my eyes that what you're accusing this girl of doing to you--you're targeting one another when the person who really deserves the blame is your ex-boyfriend. But he's not had to answer to any of this from both you you ladies. Wow, must be nice to be him.

And now your best friend has gotten dragged into this, first by her, and now by you. If my best friend told me who I could and could not be friends with, she would no longer be my friend, let alone best friend. Just keep her out of the middle of it if you want to keep her friendship. If you really have an ax to grind, contact your ex-boyfriend and let him answer those questions.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just trying to tell you that I think you are putting your frustration, hurt and blame onto this other girl, and it really belongs squarely at the feet of your ex-boyfriend.

Best wishes and good luck to you, Sweetie!

Edited March 15, 2013 by nonameforme

[Sweeetie]

Sweetie,

I don't think this girl owes you an explanation. Your ex-boyfriend does. She had sex with him before you and he got together, right? He promptly told her that it didn't mean anything and I bet that felt wonderful to her. And then he started dating you. Between the two of them, she was the one who got rejected. Your ex-boyfriend was still in contact with her but never told you that they had hooked up in the past. He still hung out with her during your relationship with him. He should have told you what was going on. That would have been the respectful thing to do. She was cold to you because I believe she viewed you as the reason for why she was dumped. Now you are expecting an explanation for her actions of an event that happened before you and this guy started dating. Even if he screwed around on you with her while you were dating, then I still feel that he is the one who needs to be held primarily accountable, not her. She doesn't really "owe" you anything. It's fine if you don't care for her (and I'm sure she does not care for you either). However, she wasn't the one in a relationship with you and owing you a modicum of respect. . . but he certainly was. He's the person that wasn't honest and decent, in my opinion.

What you are doing is really not much different in my eyes that what you're accusing this girl of doing to you--you're targeting one another when the person who really deserves the blame is your ex-boyfriend. But he's not had to answer to any of this from both you you ladies. Wow, must be nice to be him.

And now your best friend has gotten dragged into this, first by her, and now by you. If my best friend told me who I could and could not be friends with, she would no longer be my friend, let alone best friend. Just keep her out of the middle of it if you want to keep her friendship. If you really have an ax to grind, contact your ex-boyfriend and let him answer those questions.

I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just trying to tell you that I think you are putting your frustration, hurt and blame onto this other girl, and it really belongs squarely at the feet of your ex-boyfriend.

Best wishes and good luck to you, Sweetie!

 

Thank you for your post, yes ofcourse he should have told me himself and that goes without saying. But you got a few things wrong here: firstly, I did not write to this girl to get "an explanation" for that night they slept together. My intention was to ask her how far down the line it went- whether they had completely forgotten about it when they were seeing each other during our relationship or not. I even kept repeating to her that there is nothing wrong with the fact that they slept together- what was wrong was that nobody told me about it.

 

And whate bothers me about the friendship between this girl and my best friend is that this girl thinks that my best friend is only on her side and was complaining to her about me, and was telling her during the relationship how unfair it was that my ex and I got together. If there was a girl who had been trying to pursue my best friend's boyfriend during their relationship who he'd once banged, I wouldn't want to be friends with her, let alone sit and listen and advise her on such topics.