Devastated.

[superstaroxox]

It's been about 6 months since I last had contact with my abusive husband. We slept together, and I told him that if he got his life together and proved to me that he could be the man I needed him to be, we could give our relationship another shot. I had broken up with him before that after four years of an extremely unhealthy relationship where he emotionally abused and controlled me. I had to get a restraining order after I broke up with him because he went absolutely crazy when I stopped putting up with his crap. I went back a couple times, but after this last time, he flipped out on me again instead of keeping his promise to better himself, and got a new girlfriend. After her, he completely stopped trying to contact me. I have slowly gotten over him, to the point where I even felt I no longer cared. That all changed last week when I found out he was in jail after completing my portion of the divorce papers. He is in jail for domestic battery and terrorist threats, and will be going to prison. He has a long history in prison, and when we first started dating he went to prison because we were having sexual relations when I was 17 and he was 23 and he got caught. It sounds so crazy and dysfunctional, but I fell in love with at this time when he was in prison. He would send me passionate letters every day in which he called me his soul mate. And I loyally sat there and waited for him to get out for the eight months he was gone. We got married at the same jail he's at right now (ugh) . Sad. Anyway, since I heard he was in jail I have fallen into a deep depression again. Instead of remembering the monster he's been, I'm remembering the person I fell in love with, the person he perceived himself to be. I'm convinced that now that he's in jail maybe he has gotten off the drugs he's been using (he has a drug history as well) and realizes what he's done to me and what he's lost, although I'm sure that's not true because I looked at his girlfriend's facebook and they're still together. And today I went down to the jail to see if I could get a deputy to have him sign the divorce papers, and he signed them. I take this as a sign that he's moved on now that he's with this new girl and that absolutely kills me. I am seriously freaking out, having a complete break down. I LOVE this man, at least the person that I thought he was at one point. I can't let him go, I want to feel his love again, there were many good times in our relationship! I don't know what to do, he's going to be in prison for a long time, I'm devastated, I'm heartbroken, I'm sick to my stomach, I don't feel like I'm ever going to get through this....this guy was my first love, when I met him he was like a God, I just can't seem to let it go this time!

[M30USA]

I hate to say your situation sounds textbook, but abusive personalities tend to come on VERY STRONG in the beginning. They make you feel absolutely punch-drunk in love. But usually, the higher the high, the lower the low. I've learned at this point in my life to want peace and contentment in a steady flow. Just like me, part of you IS at fault for wanting such an emotional high from the relationship. It kind of comes with the territory.

[superstaroxox]

I hate to say your situation sounds textbook, but abusive personalities tend to come on VERY STRONG in the beginning. They make you feel absolutely punch-drunk in love. But usually, the higher the high, the lower the low. I've learned at this point in my life to want peace and contentment in a steady flow. Just like me, part of you IS at fault for wanting such an emotional high from the relationship. It kind of comes with the territory.

 

That is very true. I tend to seek out dysfunctional relationships like this, and it scares me that I will fall into the same pattern in future relationships. Thanks for the reply!

[Forever Learning]

I hate to say your situation sounds textbook, but abusive personalities tend to come on VERY STRONG in the beginning. They make you feel absolutely punch-drunk in love. But usually, the higher the high, the lower the low. I've learned at this point in my life to want peace and contentment in a steady flow. Just like me, part of you IS at fault for wanting such an emotional high from the relationship. It kind of comes with the territory.

 

I agree with this. Thank GOD he is in prison, so you will have some time to heal, grow, and move on. It's going to take time, and effort on your part.

 

You should read the book:

 

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

 

It's a great place for you to start on your journey.

 

And the books by Melody Beattie, about Co-Dependency.

 

All at your local library.

 

Start reading, and start the next, better phase of your life. It's going to take time, but it will happen, so long as you keep learning along the way.

 

Self help books and therapy.

 

Exercise and anti-depressants.

 

Women's support groups.

 

Church groups.

 

12 Step Recovery Groups.

 

I've done them all, you need to as well. I've lived a similar story. Life is waaaaaaay better without him.

 

He's NOT your soulmate. You just don't know that yet.

 

But you will. Give it time, and start learning about a better way to live life.

 

Read the books I mentioned, do it. Free at the library.

 

All the best to you!

[superstaroxox]

I agree with this. Thank GOD he is in prison, so you will have some time to heal, grow, and move on. It's going to take time, and effort on your part.

 

 

Thank you so much! I appreciate it a lot and I am going to get these books ASAP! I have a question for you if you don't mind - in your situation, did you ever feel guilt? I feel constant guilt that makes me want to go back to him, that if only I loved him more, if only I tried harder. I make myself sick thinking about all the things that could have been my fault. I keep thinking of him getting hurt or dying and it pains me to think that I could have some regrets in our relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

Buy a huge post-it note pad. Start writing "His Schytt is NOT MY FAULT!!" on the sheets. Stick them up all over the house.

 

When you get these books, make note of the phrases, sentences and words that resonate with you - words that make you see that this is on him - not you. Copy these words onto more post-it notes.

Stick them up everywhere, too.

 

Get it through your head, through repetition of Positive Affirmations - that you are worth a whole lot more than this.

 

Got get it....!

[BetheButterfly]

It's been about 6 months since I last had contact with my abusive husband. We slept together, and I told him that if he got his life together and proved to me that he could be the man I needed him to be, we could give our relationship another shot.

 

Ok, first of all, you need to be strong. You need to wait until has his life together BEFORE sleeping together. I know that's hard but it's important. Reading ahead, I just want to say here that you should let him go, and even if he comes back to you in the future, I think you should not allow him back into your heart or bed.

 

I had broken up with him before that after four years of an extremely unhealthy relationship where he emotionally abused and controlled me. I had to get a restraining order after I broke up with him because he went absolutely crazy when I stopped putting up with his crap. I went back a couple times, but after this last time, he flipped out on me again instead of keeping his promise to better himself, and got a new girlfriend.

 

After her, he completely stopped trying to contact me. I have slowly gotten over him, to the point where I even felt I no longer cared. That all changed last week when I found out he was in jail after completing my portion of the divorce papers. He is in jail for domestic battery and terrorist threats, and will be going to prison. He has a long history in prison, and when we first started dating he went to prison because we were having sexual relations when I was 17 and he was 23 and he got caught.

The law about not having sex with underage people is supposed to protect you. While the law does not nor cannot prevent people from taking advantage of the youth, it's supposed to show them there are consequences to taking advantage of the youth sexually and hopefully curb the amount of people doing it.

 

It sounds so crazy and dysfunctional, but I fell in love with at this time when he was in prison. He would send me passionate letters every day in which he called me his soul mate.

I think you were in love with the idea of being loved and being a man's soulmate. It is completely understandable to want to be loved and to want to be a man's soulmate, but it's really important too to choose a man who is a good man, who won't hurt you.

 

 

And I loyally sat there and waited for him to get out for the eight months he was gone. We got married at the same jail he's at right now (ugh) . Sad. Anyway, since I heard he was in jail I have fallen into a deep depression again. Instead of remembering the monster he's been, I'm remembering the person I fell in love with, the person he perceived himself to be. I'm convinced that now that he's in jail maybe he has gotten off the drugs he's been using (he has a drug history as well) and realizes what he's done to me and what he's lost, although I'm sure that's not true because I looked at his girlfriend's facebook and they're still together. And today I went down to the jail to see if I could get a deputy to have him sign the divorce papers, and he signed them. I take this as a sign that he's moved on now that he's with this new girl and that absolutely kills me. I am seriously freaking out, having a complete break down. I LOVE this man, at least the person that I thought he was at one point. I can't let him go, I want to feel his love again, there were many good times in our relationship! I don't know what to do, he's going to be in prison for a long time, I'm devastated, I'm heartbroken, I'm sick to my stomach, I don't feel like I'm ever going to get through this....this guy was my first love, when I met him he was like a God, I just can't seem to let it go this time!

I think this is one of many reasons why you are having such a hard time letting him go, because you've elevated him in your mind up to a higher status than he really should have. It's not healthy for people to elevate their sex partners to the status of a "god or goddess" because that means that you consider him superior to you. He is not superior to you, and you are not inferior to him. Please let him go. I know it's hard, but you need to focus your mind on other things.

 

What are your interests? Do you like Nature, Art, Music? What do you like to do? What do you want to learn? How can you help others? Do you like to cook? Do you like designing? What are your talents and gifts? I personally think that instead of concentrating on missing a man who doesn't truly love you, I think you need to concentrate on what makes you, you, and grow in enjoying life. You don't need this man in order to be happy. What you need is to focus on the beauty and life around you!

 

Please get counseling and help yourself get your mind thinking about you and how you can help others, instead of on this guy, k? Hugs!!! Before getting into another relationship, I think you need to heal first.

Edited March 16, 2013 by BetheButterfly