We had "the talk" and now I'm so confused!!!

[nikkicam71]

Hey y'all. what's shakin? Ok, most of you have read some of my older posts...haven't been here in awhile, cuz I've started law school and am working hard on moving forward. So here's my dealio in a nutshell:

 

BF broke up w/ me 3.5 months ago...started a new biz, lots of personal stuff going on, couldn't deal w/ everything and said "we" were the only thing he could control. Wasn't me, wasn't us...nevertheless, DUMPED ME, flat, hard fast and out of the damn blue. I was devastated. I thought we would spend our lives together, yadda yadda. So anyway, I was a WRECK. big surprise there!

 

He called once or twice a week for the first month. I kept waiting for him to figure out he'd made a mistake...no go. Finally, told him to leave me alone, that I needed to get over it. We didn't speak for a month...I met a couple of other people, started dating, felt really good about myself. Started hanging out w/ one guy more than the others....fun at the beach! Getting ready for law school...hey, why not drop a line and say hello? So I do! He was very happy to hear from me, asked me out to lunch, never called to set the date. I was PISSED! Sicilian temper and all that...inconsiderate, blah blah. Ok, my ego was bent. So I ranted here, never contacted him, let it go.

 

He emailed me last week for my bday. Apologies, so sorry, etc. I told him it was no big deal, our lives are no longer intertwined, it's cool! Talked about how great school is, etc. So yesterday, just called to say hey, see how he's doing...he was sick, so we hung up pretty quickly. BUT....he called last night.

 

At first the convo was great, casual, not a big deal, nothing serious. But he said something about "us," (why'd he have to do that?!!) and we started "talking." He became very upset/sad, told me I don't understand, that it was never us, if he'd met me three years from now when all of the emotional craziness has passed, things would have been so different. Essentially, he told me that he doesn't want to tell me what his real feelings are, b/c I am happy, and he doesn't want to "open that can of worms." ****. It was a really deep, very emotional conversation, I think he might have been crying. I know that after we hung up, I def. was crying. He told me that he thinks about me and about us all of the time, and when I tried to explain to him that it was so hard for me b/c I thought we were headed toward marriage and a future, he said, "So did I." I almost passed out. NEVERTHELESS...he didn't ask for another chance. Maybe he wanted me to press him as to what his real feelings actually are?? I CAN'T DO THAT. He dumped me.

 

So I emailed him...told him that I will always care for him, and if I said anything in our convo that hurt him, it was unintentional...that I hate to see him so sad and upset. That sometimes in life, we have regrets, but that if he has those regrets, he is the only one who can work toward fixing them. I said some other stuff too, but I don't want to bore you guys.

 

Now I feel as though I am back at square one. My heart hurts terribly, and I feel as though my involvement with this other guy is WRONG....but it isn't! I know that...it's been almost four months since we broke up, and he hasn't come back. No matter how emotional and moving our conversation was, what does it really mean if he doesn't miss me enough to try again?

 

~Nikki

[Papillon]

Yada yada yada bla bla bla yak yak yak.......the poor baby missing his widdle pudding pie girlie wirlie snookums honeybunch sugarplum?

 

 

Good riddance. He opened the door, and stepped through it. Now he just want to come f*ck with your emotions again. Bastard.

[nikkicam71]

Well, there's a definite opinion! (laughing so hard I'm going to pee!)

 

Wow...I wish I could be that angry. I'm one of those very Zen people, who tends to maintain some sort of connection w/ the people in my life that I've cared for...that includes ex's, unfortunately :-) Not in all cases, but in many. I try to hold onto the good things that I saw in the person's soul, and to take something positive from each experience, while moving forward. I'm a fairly resolute person, so I DO move forward. Not gettin' any younger, ya know! And I would like the opportunity to meet someone, fall mad crazy in love again (like the way I was with this guy), get married and have kids....all BEFORE i turn 60! ;-) Anyway, the really rough part about all of this is, I thought I was SO over it. I'd actually begun pulling the relationship apart in my brain, finding flaws where there really were none, being overly critical b/c it helped me be GRATEFUL that it was over. Then we talked about "us." And all the old stuff caming rushing back. DAMN where did that come from??? I realized/realize that I am still in love w/ him, and the rest is just my denial b$llsh*t. Doesn't change the situation, but, God, it hurts like hell!

 

~Nikki

[Papillon]

Zen this.

 

You know what he meant by saying "He doesn't want to open that can of worms"?

 

It means that he really wants you back, but what he doesn't have the guts to say, but really wants you to know, is that it's OK for you to be second best. He wants you to know it's OK to throw your self-respect back in the dirt, after you picked it up and worked long to rebuild it back up. He wants you to know that it's OK to crawl back to him, after he didn't give a flying f*ck for your feelings in the matter.

 

So you go ahead, dear. It's "okay"...

[nikkicam71]

I won't crawl back. I won't be the one to ask if we should try again. Don't get me wrong, I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He's dealing w/ alot, and he's very young...there was alot of responsibility thrown on him when his dad died. I don't know. I'm making excuses for him, I know. I guess I just hope that he will grow the balls to ask for another chance. I never expected the conversation to happen, quite honestly. I thought he was over it, happy, living his life. I've worked very hard to open my mind and my heart to a future without him in it. I'm just really confused.

 

After our conversation, i KNOW 100% that deep down, what I really want is to marry him and spend the rest of our lives together. I can move forward, I can pretend that it doesn't matter, when I don't have the choice. But right now I feel crippled, b/c all of those feelings came back and hit me like GD mack truck.

 

I know I'll be ok in a few days...I'll just refuse to think about how I really feel. That's normally the way that I deal w/ things that hurt me. It's like a constant state of novocaine :-) I won't even allow myself to think about asking him the question....but I want to, more than anything in the world. I want to ask him what it is he really feels.

 

no matter how you cut it, this sux.

 

~Nikki

[Papillon]

Time will sort out those feelings, it always does. It sounds to me like you were doing great, until he came and muddied the water again. He should be whipped for that, and salt rubbed into the wounds.

 

All he did was throw out his little line, so he can keep you on it. Because you still love him, you took the bait hook line and sinker.

[nikkicam71]

:::grinning::: There's a visual!! Yeah, I was doing great...at least on the surface. Just tried my best not to think about it....EVER.

 

Anyway, gotta go get ready for class. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. If it's ok, I'll PM you later?

 

~Nikki

[Papillon]

No sweat. Focus on your studies. So you can sue his ass. Or something.

[cdn23]

very hard.... but i was thinking and maybe he's just embarrasted! i think he likes u again, but i dont think he loves u, anyway nikki, dont go back w/ him if he doesnt ask u, and if he asks you realize if thats what u really want, because i think u stiil like him or whatever or else u woudnt be writingg this in the web site.....well, i know how like a guy really is like so.... i know its hard! wish you the best luck! u go girl!!!!

-carla