Silly_Girl Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 I get a lot from my counselling. Initially I went for some serious depression/anxiety issues brought on by 3 separate sets of circumstances compounding and being too much for me. Now that those symptoms are far behind me I have made a lot of progress in understanding some bad decisions I have made and coming to terms with them. I have not been bad towards others, but my relationship barometer was not at all good and, as one example, I'm still suffering with a nasty BPD ex who is desperate to control/hurt me. My son is/was affected and that's a really big deal for me. This is what I am struggling with: my counsellor has really helped me to see how my childhood, role models, experiences etc led me to the places I found myself in. It's interesting and stimulating and difficult at times. However, I can't quite forgive myself yet, so I find I am cross and consider these discoveries to be 'excuses'. And I don't WANT excuses for poor, ill-conceived choices. I simply can't allow myself to justify my actions. I never used to regret any decisions, but now that I'm making good ones I look back and shake my head Rationally I can step back and see this, but it doesn't stop me railing against the thought processes I sometimes need to employ to continue to make progress in my sessions. It's as though a tiny part of me hasn't evolved, if that makes sense. I just can't bear the idea of making excuses and see it as not taking responsibility for my actions. I'd love to hear from anyone who has found themselves in a similar situation or can help me reconcile the two sides, in my head. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 First off, you need to get rid of the BPD ex-boyfriend. I don't care if he gives you the best sex, if he gives you a lot of money, etc. Get him out of your life. I dated a girl with BPD and she was toxic. It seems like you're doing fine other than that little hindrance holding you back from being happy. I would suggest to keep seeing your psychologist once a week (if you can afford it), and to really assess your life and make the desired changes that you think need to be made. Take it slow, and try not to rush your progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 First off, you need to get rid of the BPD ex-boyfriend. I don't care if he gives you the best sex, if he gives you a lot of money, etc. Get him out of your life. I dated a girl with BPD and she was toxic. It seems like you're doing fine other than that little hindrance holding you back from being happy. I would suggest to keep seeing your psychologist once a week (if you can afford it), and to really assess your life and make the desired changes that you think need to be made. Take it slow, and try not to rush your progress. I split up with him 4 years ago!! I'm in court against him today because he refuses to sign legal documents relating to sale of properties and is doing his darnedest to make my house chain collapse despite a court order stating the house is mine and I have to sell it. He's pretty crazy I have made lots of changes and am extremely happy and it's because I have peace, love and tranquility in my life that I am safe to really consider the whys and wherefores of my earlier years, hence my post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 No one could really help me on this, that's a shame. I'll take it back to my counsellor but I know I have a mental block on it that means I'm unlikely to take on board what she's saying. Going to have to try harder. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 silly girl, i have completed a lot of therapy, and i know choices i have made and what i have been through in my life have shaped me, some of them are circumstantial some of them i hold myself accountable for which is pretty much all of them unless i was forced and it was out my control, all have bearing on who i am today...i accept that fact and understand other people might not accept some of my choices, and i believe if i find the right type of people to hang with, they understand who i am and why i am like i am...all the rest is white noise........i try to concentrate on where i am heading not where i have e4been i only use my past when it comes to helping myself or others to make a decision maybe.........however negative it is, what i have been through i try to find a positive aspect to share with another or for myself....thats how i guess...I continue to live and learn.......deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Roadkill007 Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I understand the duality of understanding the origin of your problems, and learning to accept yourself for who you are. Your anger at these "excuses" is you trying to retain control over yourself, which is good. If you passively accepted these excuses, that itself would have been a problem. The part you are stuck on is letting go of your mistakes. The reason your therapist is going over the origins of your problem is so you can accept what's happened has happened and so you can see any similar future developments and stop them before they bear rotten fruit. Thus, while mistakes are definitely a reason to get down on yourself, you need to see that dwelling on these mistakes is simply another mistake. This is all time and effort you could be using to recreate a better you. Don't use regret over mistakes as an excuse to procrastinate from moving on and making every minute of your life count. (was that too cheesy or too soon? ) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 19, 2013 Author Share Posted March 19, 2013 I understand the duality of understanding the origin of your problems, and learning to accept yourself for who you are. Your anger at these "excuses" is you trying to retain control over yourself, which is good. If you passively accepted these excuses, that itself would have been a problem. The part you are stuck on is letting go of your mistakes. The reason your therapist is going over the origins of your problem is so you can accept what's happened has happened and so you can see any similar future developments and stop them before they bear rotten fruit. Thus, while mistakes are definitely a reason to get down on yourself, you need to see that dwelling on these mistakes is simply another mistake. This is all time and effort you could be using to recreate a better you. Don't use regret over mistakes as an excuse to procrastinate from moving on and making every minute of your life count. (was that too cheesy or too soon? ) Thank you for this. It makes total sense. My counsellor tells me I simply didn't have the tools back then, and she does well to point out why she sees that, mostly things relating to my 3 parents (2 x bio, 1 x step). But I veer between having empathy for the person I was, and understanding and seeing how circumstances came about, and doing a huge DUH face-palm and wondering how I managed to stuff my head so far up my backside that I couldn't see what (surely?) everyone else could see. It was difficult to extricate myself from the abusive relationship and when I did it was something akin to how I imagine 'finding god' feels, and I felt blessed and grateful for every day giving me more opportunities to make good decisions and make myself (and my son) happy. I remember my sister saying gently, the weekend after I moved him out whilst he was working away 'I am sure you wished you had got rid of him sooner, there were opportunities you missed...'. I got up and left. I could NOT sit and lament, it would have seen me go in to a protracted depression of sorts. But 4 years later (that's how long the financial settlement has taken) his actions are still affecting myself and my family and bring drama and upset to our lives, so I feel bitter all over again, and am angry at my younger self. Hope that makes sense. I do need to 'let it go'. Very much so! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Hope that makes sense. I do need to 'let it go'. Very much so! I'd say you would have let it go sooner if he wasn't in your life still. I think his presence is what is holding you back, reminding you of hanging on to him for too long. What you have to make peace with is that everything happens for a reason silly girl. You stayed with that guy for that long for a reason, you needed to learn those lessons to have the good, balanced life you have now. I don't have kids so I never had to worry about how my choices would affect someone else so it was easier for me to accept that my personal growth had a natural path and over time I've done my best and used my intellect and other means (like LS) to find the healthy alternative. Codependent relationships go on for a reason and now you know why. Everything you are feeling is natural. You would be 'over it' if he wasn't in your life financially still. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Why do you see it as excuses? You have just gained an understanding of the dynamics that led you to making bad choices. That's expansion of knowledge which hopefully will help you not to repeat those mistakes. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your actions. I don't see the two as incompatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Why do you see it as excuses? You have just gained an understanding of the dynamics that led you to making bad choices. That's expansion of knowledge which hopefully will help you not to repeat those mistakes. In other words, you are taking responsibility for your actions. I don't see the two as incompatible. I "should've known better"!!! I have performed well in many areas, instinct has served me well in jobs and education and social situations. But it abandoned me in my romantic arena... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 I'd say you would have let it go sooner if he wasn't in your life still. I think his presence is what is holding you back, reminding you of hanging on to him for too long. What you have to make peace with is that everything happens for a reason silly girl. You stayed with that guy for that long for a reason, you needed to learn those lessons to have the good, balanced life you have now. I don't have kids so I never had to worry about how my choices would affect someone else so it was easier for me to accept that my personal growth had a natural path and over time I've done my best and used my intellect and other means (like LS) to find the healthy alternative. Codependent relationships go on for a reason and now you know why. Everything you are feeling is natural. You would be 'over it' if he wasn't in your life financially still. Thanks for this. I do think that's a pertinent point. I left it behind me but these last 9 months have felt as though he's in our house, in my life every day. And I do *like* to think that if I HADN'T learned I wouldn't be in the great place I am now. But I still find it hard to think the end justified the means. He did/I tolerated some despicable stuff Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I "should've known better"!!! Well, you didn't and that's OK. You've turned it around. A lot of people don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Know better, do better. That's the best ANY of us can expect from ourselves. In fact, it's a tall order to learn and change. Give yourself some credit! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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