Would you want to know or not?

[dyermaker]

I see your point, but I don't think I can agree with you. We don't always choose what's healthy?

[EC]

Yeah Dyer I see what your saying but I can't agree completely....

 

For example If I were to go along with your theoryor your way of thinking I would've been screwed.

 

My first when i was 16 I thought loved me, he was my prince charming, I WAS IN LOVE, (or so I thought) and nothing in the world could tell me different. I was going to grow old and gray with this man.

 

He cheated...I left.

 

Then i realized you know what Thank God he cheated on me because turns out I wasn't as in love as I thought, and he turned out to be a great big heap of trash.

 

So had I not found out I would probably have wasted another couple years on him before I realized he was no good.

 

I don't know I'm rambling. It makes sense in my head...

 

But I think your young now right???? In a few years I think you'd want to know.

[MJTig]

I would want to know so I am not living in a lie.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by dyermaker

There's not much else to live life for than love.

 

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in a relationship where something like that would happen--but if it ever did--I'd rather have a pleasant delusion than a harsh reality. It's unhealthy--I know--and I think I'm even contradicting what I've said in the past, but I imagine the burning in your heart would be a lot worse than the burning when you pee.

 

De Nile ain't just a river in egypt eh? I would think that the burning when you pee would override the pain in the heart and lead to anger in the brain.

 

Yes, I would want to know. As many others have mentioned, you can get a lot of nasty bugs these days via sex. I'd rather have heartbreak which I think is a normal part of life (I'm begining to think that if we humans dont have some drama/misery in our lives to overcome we create some sadly..) than to have ignorant bliss and be sterile/infected with a life long disease etc.. A wounded heart can usually heal and there are other fish in the sea who are going to respect you more than some cheatin slut/bastard/insert your favorite term here. So far there isn't a definitive cure for a lot of STDs.

[Wellnowuknow]

OMG EC your pathetic if you want to know just ask him!

 

 

He will lie to you though will a girl is straddling him and say he loves you but we all know the truth.

 

Get over it!

[savethedrama4allama]

Wellnowuknow, I believe she was posting the question theoretically.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Fritz

De Nile ain't just a river in egypt eh?

I don't see why I can't have an opinion and have it be a function of personal choice instead of my age.

 

I think there are certain values that each person has, and you're more than capable of expressing yours without discrediting mine.

 

As old and experienced as you may be, I think it's pretty naive to assume you'll always want to make healthy choices.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I don't see why I can't have an opinion and have it be a function of personal choice instead of my age.

 

I think there are certain values that each person has, and you're more than capable of expressing yours without discrediting mine.

 

As old and experienced as you may be, I think it's pretty naive to assume you'll always want to make healthy choices.

 

Uhm, I don't recall mentioning anything about your age Dyer.

[YellowLioness]

OMG EC your pathetic if you want to know just ask him!

 

I don't like how you had to personally attack her to get your point across. I think that's extremely rude.

 

Did she attack you? Did she say that you were nasty and grumpy and mean? No, she didn't. Could she have? Hell yeah!

 

I think this is ridiculous. If you don't have any respect for who is posting, that's great. But, you have no right to make her feel like crap when she's already hurting.

 

I know what you said doesn't directly involve me, but I hate it when people are mean to my friends. You have no right to speak to her, or anyone else like that.

[lilian]

Hi

 

I feel like this is a really tough one and it sort of depends on the situation (for myself at least)

 

If he is in love with that other girl or sees her more than once then "yes" I would definitely want to be told.

 

If, let's say, it's at the beginning stage of a relationship and you are for example living in different countries and he's still not sure about moving to your country as such and has a slipper, then maybe not.

 

What I'm trying to say is: if it happened at a very early stage in the relationship and then he decides you are the one and really really falls in love with you and you have a great chance as a very successful couple maybe I wouldn't want to know!

 

I would by any means want to know right away though. I think being told 2 years after it happened sucks as the relationship has probably improved so much that - by now - you really don't want to lose the guy. Whereas if he had told you right after it happened, your feelings probably wouldn't have been so strong and you would have easily dumped him

 

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and really trust him. What we have is unique and I have never felt so "complete" with anyone before. I feel very lucky that we are together and the best thing is that he feels the same way.

 

Now, if he ever did something stupid, like getting completely drunk and kissing this girl or fooling around with her for a few hours, but then realising how wrong it was - maybe I wouldn't want to know as the fact that I know would give me no choice but to leave him.

 

Does that make any sense?

[JoL]

I'd want to know.

I'd want to know everything - I wouldn't want to be living a lie with him hiding a big fat secret from me- looking me in the eye- knowing full well he's out to save his own ass by not telling me because he knows the consequences.

 

There is no bigger deception in my books. And it's not something I could forgive.

The act of sex is not an accident, there's plenty of time to think about it.

 

If a girl drunkenly kissed him and he pushed her off, that's different.

 

But if you get into a situation where you make out/fool around/have sex...sorry, but that's DOWNRIGHT cheating.

No excuses.

[dnm1010]

once you are in a relationship- voluntarily doing anything with another person is cheating and i would want to know everything otherwise i dont think i could get over it. in fact i dont think i would stay with a person who cheated.

[honey2005]

in fact i dont think i would stay with a person who cheated.

 

I think I would try to work it out if I really loved them, but there is no question about me wanting to know. If he didn't tell me and I found out through someone else I wouldn't try to work it out. It's one thing to cheat on someone, but it's a completely different thing to cheat and try to hide it.

[UCFKevin]

I'm very curious if those of you who say you wouldn't want to know have ever found out that you've been cheated on?

[honey2005]

I've been cheated on . Maybe that's why I would want to know .

[bluebonnett]

I would want to know.

Knowing is better than deception or lies.

 

Either one is bad, but having him confess i feel would be the lesser of 2 evils.

 

at least i could trust him more, hiding it causes so much distrust.

[Jilly10340]

I would definately want to know. Not only because of the STD issue but a little something called respect also. I would respect my boyfriend enough not to cheat on him, I would expect the same from him. And if he did cheat on me, he obviously doesn't take the relationship seriously and I would deserve someone better then that anyway.

[bluebonnett]

What the Unfaithful Needs to Do:

 

Be brutally honest about the affair. The unfaithful has to be able to talk about the affair as often and in as much depth and detail as the partner desires. Women in particular, says Weiner, need to know why it happened. They feel that unless they uncover the root cause of the affair, it could happen again. The truth also facilitates healing by short-circuiting the imagination. What the betrayed imagines took place is usually much worse than what actually occurred. If talking about the affair is intensely uncomfortable, you may want to work with a family therapist or marriage counselor to get past initial minefields.

To find a therapist, contact The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, which represents more than 15,000 marriage and family therapists who have met the organizations training and education requirements.

 

Their Therapist Locter service can help you gather information — education, professional licenses, health plan participation, achievements, etc. — on therapists in your area.

 

You should also ask your physicians, clergy or friends for recommendations.

 

Get self-reflective to figure out why you went outside of the marriage. If dissatisfaction with the marriage was the cause, you must bring it up with your partner so that the two of you can make changes. Addressing the vulnerabilities in the relationship that contributed to the affair is critical to preventing a reoccurrence.

Express remorse and act trustworthy. You must be sincerely remorseful about the pain you caused your partner and commit over and over again to being faithful, especially early on when mistrust is rampant. Show you mean what you say by respecting your partner's need for reassurance. For instance, you may be asked to account for the time you two are apart because of the lack of trust. "It will feel overwhelming, but it is not forever," notes Weiner.

What the Betrayed Needs to Do

 

Demand whatever it will take for you to heal. Granted, the unfaithful has to do the lion's share of the work to heal the marriage, confirms Weiner, but the betrayed needs to express what must be done to regain his or her trust.

Spend time together that does not revolve around the affair. "It's absolutely critical to connect again as friends and lovers; to enjoy one another's company," says Weiner. Go for walks, to restaurants and concerts — whatever it is that brings you two together.

Make the choice to forgive. An infidelity is never forgotten. The memory cannot be erased, but the act can be forgiven and gradually fade into the background of a strong marriage. It is up to the betrayed to forgive — the last step in healing. "You don't forgive for the sake of the other person," says Weiner, "but to lighten your own life" and set the stage for a renewed intimacy and connection.

Salvaging a marriage after an affair takes extraordinary commitment and effort. But therapists report that marriages rocked by infidelity frequently emerge stronger than they were before because at the end of the day, the near-fatal disaster motivates the couple to assume shared responsibility for each other's happiness.