Marrying in a couple months but he already cheated

[CarrieT]

Okay, for the sake of what you have decided, how long is your engagement going to be? Will you give this several years to see how this pans out or are you hurrying to the alter?

 

Also, with this house you bought together, do you have legal documents set up that square away rights and responsibilities so that if you do separate, you will receive a portion of your investment in the property?

 

Let us put the heart and emotions aside for a moment and be business people. Have you protected your investment with legal protection?

[Tootrusting13]

I didnt see you answer these questions.

 

He said he cheated because he had cold feet.

He is committed to me now and realizes and will not cheat again. If you read my original post you can see he has been trying. I hope he is truly remorseful not because he was caught or she ended it.

[CarrieT]

He said he cheated because he had cold feet.

I feel so, so sorry for you if you believe this.

 

I hope he is truly remorseful not because he was caught or she ended it.

Then have a VERY long engagement to make sure.

 

 

Why didn't you answer my other questions about the legal status of your investments in the house?

[2sunny]

IF you marry him any time in the next few years you are being completely naive.

 

He hasn't had harsh consequences - especially since you didn't even tell family!

 

Keep HIS secret FOR him tellsme that you are acting weak and vulnerable.

 

Which also means he will cheat again.

 

He cheated because he's selfish and self centered! And the fact that he was thinking of HIS own selfish needs above your feelings is good enough reason to end it with him!

 

A future husband should be considering YOUR feelings first - but he wasn't capable of that.

 

And quit believing his lame excuses!

 

How old are you two?

[Tootrusting13]

I feel so, so sorry for you if you believe this.

 

 

Then have a VERY long engagement to make sure.

 

 

Why didn't you answer my other questions about the legal status of your investments in the house?

 

the house is 50/50 if we sold. i would not lose money. we have been engaged a little over a year and are 24 (me) and 30. wedding is in 3 months.

[CarrieT]

we have been engaged a little over a year and are 24 (me) and 30.

You are way too young to be dealing with stuff like this.

 

And he is way too old to be abusing his responsibility in a relationship with someone as young as you are.

 

I reiterate: Print out this thread and read it in five years. I guarantee you will either be single or considering divorce.

[2sunny]

He screwed her in your own home!

 

ONLY a guy who completely disrespects and disregards his woman does that! It screams that's he has deep anger issues he needs to deal with.

 

Tell your family the truth - they should know - and call off the wedding - and sell the house and take your 50%.

 

Unless you intend to be in the same shoes as me - forgave him early on - he cheated again when we were married 20 years. I divorced. I got half of everything - life goes on...

 

And I love having peace of mind! I spent our entire M wondering if/when he was cheating - it's a nightmare to hand ANY man that much power over MY happiness!

[dreamingoftigers]

Ive done a lot of reading and soul searching.

 

I believe that he loves me and is committed to making this work. He was not himself when he was seeing her. The pressure of marriage and a new house and money built up and he acted out. I believe we can conquer these problems together. Ive read about affair fog and dont believe he actually loved her or had feelings but that he got carried away. He didnt want her, he stayed with me. He realized he couldnt throw away our life together.

 

It has been a few months now and he has not done anything suspicious and has been a great fiance. We really are building a life together.

 

Yeah, until life happens and he has "pressure."

 

Don't get sick, have kids or a mortgage.

[dreamingoftigers]

My God girl,

 

My husband has been a serial cheat (I stayed, so far, working in recon but it's DAMN SLOW).

 

I wouldn't marry this guy if he came with a chocolate-squirting penis and a million dollars in the bank.

 

Let me tell you now....you are in for a sh*tty sh*tty ride.

 

The guy must have more issues than the UN.

 

My marriage has been in the top 10% of trainwrecks on this site and my own husband wouldn't have pulled that sh*t.

 

It's not you. It's not "cold feet" especially not at THIRTY.

 

If he doesn't have that crap sorted by, say, five years ago, he probably isn't going to without serious mental health help. And good luck selling that to this selfish asshat.

 

My marriage sucks. There. I said it.

 

Yours is going to suck a lot worse and whatever self-esteem you have left now after his disrespect, you might as well flush down the toilet so at least YOU are doing the flushing and it'll be gone in short order either way.

 

Honey, get the divorce now. Skip the getting married part and go right to the divorce.

 

You feeling marriage pressure or something?

[nofool4u]

but if he didnt love me, didnt want to make it work, why is he still here.

 

Because cheaters don't know what love is. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. But he can say it, and in his mind mean it, but still will get the itch later on to have sex with someone else. He is simply fickle.

 

 

we have a house together, getting married in a couple of months. if he wanted to be out there with other women he could be.

 

But he WAS with other women

 

 

he isnt. he is with me. this is what makes it hard. this is why i dont want to throw it all away.

 

And I understand your thinking. Believe me, I do. But ask yourself, even though he wants to be with you, do you think his desire to have sex with different women will just go away? Cheaters have always say they can be in love with one person, but have sex with someone else.

 

I'm just saying, you need to factor in the 7 year itch, especially with someone that has already cheated.

 

Do what you feel you have to do, but do NOT trust him 100%, because he can't be trusted. You should be suspicious of anything that throws up a red flag.

[nofool4u]

He said he cheated because he had cold feet.

 

Oh brother.

 

He cheated because he wanted the excitement of having sex with someone new.

 

He is committed to me now and realizes and will not cheat again. If you read my original post you can see he has been trying. I hope he is truly remorseful not because he was caught or she ended it.

 

Thats just it, he got caught. He is scared of losing you even though he wants other women. This fear will pass with time and he WILL try to get away with it again if he thinks you will never find out....like a business trips several states away from you.

[stillafool]

but if he didnt love me, didnt want to make it work, why is he still here. we have a house together, getting married in a couple of months. if he wanted to be out there with other women he could be. he isnt. he is with me. this is what makes it hard. this is why i dont want to throw it all away.

 

im not sure of any other passive aggressive behaviour. during the affair he was distant and said he was having doubts about getting married but he is not any more. he has put a lot of work and money in the house and would not be able to afford it without me but i do not think anyone would get married just to avoid losing a house. he wants to be married. i did not force him to propose. it was a complete surprise.

 

People get married who aren't in love all the time. It's because they want the "dream" of having a home, spouse and family. Marriage certainly doesn't mean that is the end of their cheating if that isn't their desire. He may be acting better now that your wedding is approaching because this is an exciting time. He is going to be the center of attention at his wedding and that is on his mind at the moment along with all the fun he is going to have. When the wedding is over and life sets in that's when he will go looking.

 

I agree with other Posters that him having sex in your home is the utmost disrespect and is quite telling how he feels about you.

[TigerCub]

Is he having a Bachelor Party?

 

If he is, how do you feel about that?

 

Nothin like strippers and a cheater to start the road to Happily Ever After....

 

Just sayin.....

[2sunny]

Exposé to family what he's done!

 

You are keeping his secret to save face - you'll see it's all on HIM - and his actions - when you get honest with others.

 

IF you send out those wedding invites - expect to feel that you've betrayed yourself!

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

First of all, I am sorry to hear what has happened. I truly wish you all the best.

 

I agree with what everyone else has said. I would just like to give you one piece of advice in addition to those from others:

 

You have 3 months before the wedding. Get an appointment for next week to start individual counselling. Not just pre-marital couple's counselling (which is great and you two definitely need), but individual counselling.

 

Make an appointment for 8 sessions, 1 every (two) weeks. After you are done with it, you can still go through with the wedding, postpone if you will need more time, or cancel it.

 

No harm for you can come from individual counselling, only good.

- If at the end you will still want to marry him, you will probably be more convinced about this and it will make your wedding & start to marriage better for you, with less doubts etc.

- And if at the end of the sessions you will decide you need more time or that you don't want to marry, well, it will be a decision you have made and something that you will want. And then you will be glad you postponed/cancelled the wedding, before marrying him full of doubts and perhaps even getting pregnant before you have fully resolved all this.

 

Why individual counselling in addition to couples? Because there are some things you can&should only freely discuss when you are alone with the counsellor...

 

I really hope you will do a lot of counselling, talking to your friends&family, soul-searching,..., before you marry him, but especially before you start a family! Once you will have a baby (on the way), it will be much more complicated&harder. Imagine you being pregnant and THEN being full of all doubts about him,... It's better that you deal with this now, and then be at peace with yourself&your decision, whatever it may be... But do not get married to him until you have addressed this issue and have resolved all your doubts&fears about this.

 

I think you owe it both to yourself and your future/potential kids to really put a lot of thinking&effort into sincerely addressing this issue before getting married/having kids.

 

Good luck&best of wishes

[2sunny]

Yes, ask yourself why you would settle for any man that cheats on you - much less, a man that says he loves you then proceeds to bang another gal in your own home!

[2sunny]

Are you still planning the marriage?

[WhoreyBull]

Please, please don't marry this guy hun... Get into counselling or kick him to the curb, but don't go down the isle!

You need to talk to your family. Counselling, talking with family, and NO wedding please

[Oberfeldwebel]

Only you can make this decision, however I would offer you this advise. It is not good that you are starting the marriage on this premise. I think the family needs to know on both sides of the aisle and you need to go to premarital counseling. Exposure will help keep him honest and let him know there are consequences to his actions. Sweeping the event under the rug, leads him to believe that if he is more careful, he can get away with that stuff. YOU know him better than all of us and need to decide this for yourself. Counselling will help you make sure you are doing it with your eyes wide open and help your marriage be a success and not another statistic.

[2sunny]

Getting married now sends him the message that he cheats and then plays mr. Nice guy.

 

Then you betray yourself by overlooking it to the extent that he has no consequences and rewards him by staying silent about the man he is and what he capable of (treating you like trash).

 

Tell everyone the truth - they will understand putting off the wedding for a few years - that way if he truly intends to change - he can EARN your trust back by doing the hard work on himself with counseling.

 

You need evidence that he's changing! You can't get that by his actions within a few months!

[Tootrusting13]

thank you to everyone who took the time to offer their advice. i know it is crazy but i am so completely in love with him. he even tattooed my initials on his ring finger after we got engaged. that showed me he really wanted this to work. he is my best friend and had a rough childhood. i have faith in him regardless. it isnt always so black and white.

[Mr. Lucky]

Then I wish you good luck in every sense of the word. Hope you're not proof that those that don't pay attention to history are destined to repeat it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

thank you to everyone who took the time to offer their advice. i know it is crazy but i am so completely in love with him. he even tattooed my initials on his ring finger after we got engaged. that showed me he really wanted this to work. he is my best friend and had a rough childhood. i have faith in him regardless. it isnt always so black and white.

 

 

Famous last words.....

 

1) Your being in love with him does not in fact put him on equal footing to being "in love" with you.

 

As we get older, we start to notice more about people. We stop loving them just as "who they are" like some picture on the wall, but "how they treat us and how we interact together.

 

Your man has shown you how he treats you. That level of selfishness cannot just be "loved" away. He has to want to truly connect, not just SAY he wants to connect/be in love etc. That level of selfishness does not just disappear in a few months.

 

2) He has had a "rough childhood." This is not a good jumping off point for a man about to get married. A rough childhood and the issues that come with it should be ironed out (as much as possible) before marriage. In regards to his "rough childhood" (which by the way, he is 30, so that means he has had 12 years to figure out how to give a woman basic respect) what has he done to SHOW you that he is working out these issues or has worked them out.

 

The thing with those rough childhoods (mine was a nightmare) is that they don't just disappear, and relationships have this way of masking them temporarily, and then exposing them sharply. That childhood is not going to disappear because you love him. It won't disappear because you got married. Or because he tattooed initials on his ring finger.

 

In fact, that rough childhood has already translate into poor relationship skills in adulthood, and will most likely give your future (potential) children a rough, rough childhood. Especially because they will have a codependent mother who takes their father's crap. (I know I had one. The warning signs were there. They dove in anyway. They are still together. Nearly 40 years of pure misery, no consistent friends and their children can't stand either one of them. They are just ..... stuck. BTW my father cheated as well, but even he wouldn't have pulled the level of crap your man did.)

 

3) You don't have red flags in this relationship. You have the entire Chinese flag squad playing a game against the Calgary Flames in the Red Square when all of the lights are red. The mounties in dress uniform are spectators. And they are handing out apples as snacks. Big red ones. And afterwards they are going to the Red Light District, to celebrate Communism and have Tomato Juice.

 

Your relationship is Dexter Morgan's wet dream.

[dreamingoftigers]

So he ta2d your intials on his ring finger after you got engaged, and then he cheated? How significant was it really, then?

 

I think you should continue 2 be friends. Like brother and sister.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Or like North and South Korea!

[Tootrusting13]

Ok here goes. I have asked him questions since my last post. 1. Why do you want to marry me. He says he regrets the affair and realized how he almost lost everything. How stupid it was and how much he loves me and our life together.

2. I asked about why it happened. He said it was a mistake and that it just happened because he was feeling afraid but he realizes how much he loves me and would never jeopardize that again. 3. I told him he could leave any time. He says he doesn't want anyone else but me.

 

I hear what everyone had said. I've pressed him for answers. I've read on affairs. Most men don't leave their wives (or fiancé in my case) for these women. Most men want to stay. I'm not forcing him to be here. But why do I feel uneasy. He is showing he wants us to work. I am frustrating myself every time I come back here. Must sound so pathetic. My heart wants this to work.