BS to Other

[AnotherRound]

For those "others" who were previously BSs - how did you end up in an affair? I'm curious as to others who have had a similar experience that I have had. As a BW, my marriage truly was over - I just couldn't get my exH to "go there" with me - he avoided and avoided. So, out of fear and humiliation, I stayed until I could finally produce something that I felt gave me "reason" to leave - his affair.

 

So, when I met exMM and he said he was in a sexless marriage that was over and was staying for the kids - I absolutely believed it bc I had been there. I didn't have children and I still stayed - so I could imagine how much harder it would be to leave with children involved. So, it wasn't a far fetched idea at all - my exH and I were not having sex, at all by the time he had an affair. There was too much resentment and distance - neither of us was interested in being intimate with one another.

 

So, to other BS that went on to become an "other" - why? How did that happen? And, how did your being the BS change your view on the reality of the world?

[Pierre]

For those "others" who were previously BSs - how did you end up in an affair? I'm curious as to others who have had a similar experience that I have had. As a BW, my marriage truly was over - I just couldn't get my exH to "go there" with me - he avoided and avoided. So, out of fear and humiliation, I stayed until I could finally produce something that I felt gave me "reason" to leave - his affair.

 

So, when I met exMM and he said he was in a sexless marriage that was over and was staying for the kids - I absolutely believed it bc I had been there. I didn't have children and I still stayed - so I could imagine how much harder it would be to leave with children involved. So, it wasn't a far fetched idea at all - my exH and I were not having sex, at all by the time he had an affair. There was too much resentment and distance - neither of us was interested in being intimate with one another.

 

So, to other BS that went on to become an "other" - why? How did that happen? And, how did your being the BS change your view on the reality of the world?

 

I think it is all about feeling good. The whole time i was married I almost always had close female friends at work and I could not stop flirting. I was like a kid in a candy store. But, my marriage was fine and I never slept with anyone or fell in love.

 

I believe that the folks that have affairs fall in love easily and from that point on they think with their genitals. I had many infatuations, but never fell in love. Perhaps my wife did a masterful job in meeting my needs. She never, not even once declined sex.

 

So what do I know??

 

Nevertheless, it all feels good.

[Silly_Girl]

Being in an abusive relationship helped me understand the 'parable of the boiling frog' and gave me empathy for folk in a similar position. I knew that it was possible to hunker down and suffer for a long time and not feel you deserved more.

[anne1707]

Being in an abusive relationship helped me understand the 'parable of the boiling frog' and gave me empathy for folk in a similar position. I knew that it was possible to hunker down and suffer for a long time and not feel you deserved more.

 

I'm confused SG. Does that mean you felt you did not deserve more than a MM could offer you? That just does not sound like you.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm confused SG. Does that mean you felt you did not deserve more than a MM could offer you? That just does not sound like you.

 

Ah no, I understood what it was like being in a difficult relationship, not being appreciated, accepting substandard treatment, because I did it for 8 years. So when I met a man with a similar (though nowhere near as bad) experience, I did not condemn or judge him, I knew what it was like.

 

So instead of shaking him and saying "for heavens sake man! If you're not getting what you want/need/deserve GET OUT!!" I showed sympathy and understanding and was tolerant of the situation we found ourselves in.

[anne1707]

Phew. That makes sense now

[Silly_Girl]

You've been a member for 3 months yet you've seen me discuss this 'many times'? I'm confused.

 

I never, ever spoke with her. Did not wish to, did not need to. So the answer is no.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Silly_Girl

[AnotherRound]

You've been a member for 3 months yet you've seen me discuss this 'many times'? I'm confused.

 

I never, ever spoke with her. Did not wish to, did not need to. So the answer is no.

 

I think this was aimed at me, lol... I was pretty much ignoring it bc it was the epitome of what we were talking about on another thread - the double standards thing. Not to mention, I have explained many times how I knew this (as much as anyone outside of the two of them can know it) and from what the exW said to others that found its way back to me. She herself stated to others that they had not had sex in years. Maybe she was lying, could be I guess.

 

How do you ever know that anything anyone says is true? You don't really - so, you can either believe that everything that everyone says is a lie - or you can believe that there are marriages that are sexless. Again, I was in one myself years ago - it's not far fetched for me since I experienced it firsthand. If it is far fetched for you, fine - but you not knowing about them or not experiencing them doesn't mean they are "rare" or not happening. Maybe you've been really sheltered??? I don't know...

 

Anyway, no, the now exW and I have never talked about these things. Our situation was a bit different - so there was no need. I would have spoken very openly with her if she ever wanted to - she did not want to, or choose to, or whatever - I don't know, I let her have her space that she appeared to want/need and didn't push myself into her face. If she had wanted to talk to me and discover if exMM was lying about anything, I would have been completely honest with her. I had no fear that he was lying to me, I had no reason to be afraid to talk to her - she was the one who chose not to (she called me and breathed on the phone for a minute and when I asked her if she wanted to talk, she hung up). I'm not going to force information on her she didn't want - and I had no need to "check" his story with her, bc like I said, she was telling other people and they were telling her business to anyone and everyone.

 

I do know that there were a few times that she wanted to have sex with him and he faked feeling ill bc he didn't want to. I think that was in the beginning and she maybe was trying to see if they could rebuild something - but that takes a LOT more than sex to make happen, even though I think initially she thought that was all it was for him. They had terrible communication and she never understood that for him it went much deeper than just the lack of physical intimacy - of course, that is the whole reason their marriage was broken in the first place - they couldn't talk to each other about anything.

[Silly_Girl]

Oh sorry AR. Yes, sexless marriages happen without a doubt. And the more you are prepared to talk about such things in real life the more you hear how commonplace it is. I find it tragic

[AnotherRound]

Oh sorry AR. Yes, sexless marriages happen without a doubt. And the more you are prepared to talk about such things in real life the more you hear how commonplace it is. I find it tragic

 

Check this out I Live In a Sexless Marriage | Group with Personal Stories, Forums and Chat It's a loose study, self report, and right now, there are 35,000+ people on there reporting sexless marriages. If you look at the statistics on this, the guess is that there are MANY more not reporting it. I think that's a LOT of sexless marriages. I read a statistic somewhere that said that there were something like 20 million people worldwide in sexless marriages... yikes! I wouldn't consider that "rare" or "uncommon".

 

I found another writeup on it... here Vicki Larson: Get It On or Get Divorced? This article had some interesting statistics too. And talked a little about the negative effects. I was shocked at the number of people that don't believe physical intimacy is important for a relationship...

[AnotherRound]

Oh sorry AR. Yes, sexless marriages happen without a doubt. And the more you are prepared to talk about such things in real life the more you hear how commonplace it is. I find it tragic

 

Also, agree! I think it's that unwillingness to talk - or in some women's case, that they think if their husband is asking for sex that that is the ONLY thing he is interested in. It's such an important way for many men to show their feelings - they are much less talkers in general - and to be denied that in an intimate relationship is tragic. I know that exMM felt that way - that his now exW had voided their contract long ago by not having any desire to be physically intimate with him - which is kind of assumed in the vows too.

[LFH]

I always find it interesting the number of people that don't talk about sex at all or are horrified at the concept.

 

I once went to a function about 2 years into my marriage, it was a ladies only function with people who were all friendly and had been for some time, not a bunch of strangers. I was there with a VERY good friend and towards the end we decided we wanted to go home a little early. My husband was about to get back from manuevers and hers was home with their child who was about to be going to bed. We missed our guys and were hoping for a little snuggle time or more when we got home to them.

The woman across the table from us, who we had known for years caught the drift of what we had implied and was like, You are going to give up crafting time for SEX?!!?! With this look of horror on her face. The rest of the table got super quiet for a minute until someone broke the ice. A couple ladies laughed and there were some GOOD for you comments and there were a handful of wistful comments, but what shocked me were the number of people who looked confused as to why we would do that or said they'd never give up crafting time for that.. like it's a chore.

Then there were the people who looked appalled that anyone was even discussing it.

 

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by sex, obviously there's a time and a place for discussing it, and I certainly wouldn't have announced it to the table, but I felt no need to hide that I was going to go home and make love with my husband once it the subject came up. I wasn't going to pretend that the idea of crafts I'd been doing all day held more appeal for me than going home to him.

 

The idea that others couldn't understand made me sad for them.

[anne1707]

The woman across the table from us, who we had known for years caught the drift of what we had implied and was like, You are going to give up crafting time for SEX?!!?!

 

LFH - you obviously don't understand how exciting cross-stitch can be

 

 

 

 

 

[AnotherRound]

So to sum it up: you believed him because you wanted to.

 

On a side note, thanks for the insinuation that I'm sheltered, found that rather amusing on a "double standard" thread in which asking you a question is equally regarded as a double standard.

 

I didn't assume that you are sheltered, I thought it was one possible answer as to why you so vehemently believe that there are no sexless marriages - or very few. That's why I said "I don't know" after it. Not everyone researches these things, or deals with it on a daily basis I guess.

 

I believed exMM bc he wasn't the only one saying it. His now exW was saying, as were many of our mutual friends - who were hearing it from him and his now exW. I also had no reason not to believe him. Like I said, if my exH told his OW that we were not having sex, and she had called me to confirm this - I would have told her that it was, indeed, true - we were not having sex. I would be curious to see how many times a BS is dishonest about the frequency and/or greatness of their sex life with their WS after they discover an affair? I mean, I can understand that - in that it would be pretty upsetting to some people, and they may find the need to exaggerate their sex life in an effort to hurt the affair partner, or to make it seem like that part of their marriage was really solid, even when it wasn't.

[AnotherRound]

I always find it interesting the number of people that don't talk about sex at all or are horrified at the concept.

 

I once went to a function about 2 years into my marriage, it was a ladies only function with people who were all friendly and had been for some time, not a bunch of strangers. I was there with a VERY good friend and towards the end we decided we wanted to go home a little early. My husband was about to get back from manuevers and hers was home with their child who was about to be going to bed. We missed our guys and were hoping for a little snuggle time or more when we got home to them.

The woman across the table from us, who we had known for years caught the drift of what we had implied and was like, You are going to give up crafting time for SEX?!!?! With this look of horror on her face. The rest of the table got super quiet for a minute until someone broke the ice. A couple ladies laughed and there were some GOOD for you comments and there were a handful of wistful comments, but what shocked me were the number of people who looked confused as to why we would do that or said they'd never give up crafting time for that.. like it's a chore.

Then there were the people who looked appalled that anyone was even discussing it.

 

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by sex, obviously there's a time and a place for discussing it, and I certainly wouldn't have announced it to the table, but I felt no need to hide that I was going to go home and make love with my husband once it the subject came up. I wasn't going to pretend that the idea of crafts I'd been doing all day held more appeal for me than going home to him.

 

The idea that others couldn't understand made me sad for them.

 

I think that this is pretty common. I mean, we don't go around talking about our sex lives (usually) and so other people have no idea about other people's sex lives. We don't wear signs telling people how often we are having sex, so it makes sense that people are unaware of how many married couples really are not having sex - or even sexual intimacy on any level. Also, men are often embarrassed to admit this when they are married and keep it to themselves.

 

In exMMs case, his now exW just is not interested in sex. Never has been. She was one of those women who looked at it as a chore - and was only interested when she decided she wanted kids (which exMM never wanted, he had children already from a previous relationship as he was a bit older when he got with her). When she wanted kids, she couldn't get enough of it - and wasn't using protection like they had agreed on. As soon as she was pregnant (got what she wanted) she was done again with the whole sex thing. Then she got to the point where even if she would have sex, there were so many rules (lights off, under the covers, one position allowed, many things forbidden, her breasts were off limits, etc.) that exMM just got to the point of "why bother?". They stopped having sex as it wasn't enjoyable for either of them. And by that time, there was so much resentment and distance in their relationship that to get it back on track would have taken them both changing who they are deep down and that just wasn't going to happen.

 

I will say - I am glad that my exH had an affair while we were young and early in our marriage. I would not want to be disillusioned about all of this after more than half my life is over. I don't envy people that find out they are incompatible late in life at all. It seems to me that it leads to a long life of unhappiness or at best - settling - and I cannot imagine living that way.

[whichwayisup]

I would be curious to see how many times a BS is dishonest about the frequency and/or greatness of their sex life with their WS after they discover an affair? I mean, I can understand that - in that it would be pretty upsetting to some people, and they may find the need to exaggerate their sex life in an effort to hurt the affair partner, or to make it seem like that part of their marriage was really solid, even when it wasn't.

 

A BS doesn't need to justify or explain his/her marriage to the AP, let alone their sex life as it's none of the AP's business. Or anybody else's. If some like to boast about their sex lives, so be it, but most I know don't advertise how often they get laid. I don't ask my friends, or my sister, or anybody else about how their sex life is. If they want to talk about it, fine, but to be honest, i'm not really interested in hearing about someone else's sex life. That last part is off topic, sorry as that last bit has nothing to do with affairs, but just with sex in general.

[waterwoman]

I will say - I am glad that my exH had an affair while we were young and early in our marriage. I would not want to be disillusioned about all of this after more than half my life is over. I don't envy people that find out they are incompatible late in life at all. It seems to me that it leads to a long life of unhappiness or at best - settling - and I cannot imagine living that way.

 

Can you explain that comment please?

[William]

I'll leave the thread unedited to this point and give members the benefit of the doubt that they can remain on-topic, which is this:

 

So, to other BS that went on to become an "other" - why? How did that happen? And, how did your being the BS change your view on the reality of the world?

 

If you are a 'betrayed spouse' who went on to have an extra-marital/LTR affair or become an affair partner after ending that marriage/relationship, this is your thread. Share your experiences and perspectives. Thanks.