Share your experience with overcoming the abuse/neglect of your parents

March 15, 2013

Hi.

I would like to hear your experience in dealing with the anger/hate/other negative issues stemming from your parents' actions in the past. With letting go of the anger,..., and moving on with your life. I'd like to hear regardless of whether you feel like you have already succeeded or if you are still in the process. I'd also appreciate any advice you might have (what activities, sites, books etc.). Thank you!

My situation is that I've been realizing that there is a tremendous amount of resentment/anger/hate/fear/uncertainties/etc. stemming from my youth. And I'm worried that I will "never" get rid of all the bad feelings/consequences of my parents' actions, that I'll never feel normal/stable in my life, without fear of abandonment, built up anger, shame,.... And I guess I just want to hear from "someone real" that they've been through stuff like that and came out relatively normal after that, regardless of whether they stayed in contact with their parents afterwards or not.

Very briefly, it has to do with the fact that my parents neglected me, I had to be the grown up and help them emotionally etc., help financially, emotional abuse, some form of physical abuse (still trying to figure that out), father was emotionally distant/doormat and didn't protect me from my mom. So for all my life I had to be the grown up, take care of them and myself (well, I was never cold/hungry, at least that...) and felt like I had to be the rock, the golden kid with perfect grades&everything to get recognition and affection from others.

Now they're saying that they're really sorry, they're trying to make up, but I have the feeling that nothing will be enough, that there will always be a part of me that will hate them/resent them/be ashamed/think of them as untrustworthy/..., no matter what they do or say. That I'll always hate them for all the years I had to keep the family going instead of being a kid and growing up normally.

In the past, I participated in individual counselling, had to stop due to financial issues, now got the opportunity to get free IC (after a waiting a period). I've been reading books like Toxic parents, Families and how to survive them, No more mr. Nice guy. At the moment due to my health issues I've moved back home after coming from studying abroad.

Anyway, thanks for any advice and experience you've shared (the less sugarcoating, the better for me, I think, please:))!

March 15, 2013

May I ask how old you are?

I've been recently coming to terms with this and have recently let go of the anger I've held towards my parents for the neglect and abuse. It took many years of counseling to come to the understanding that they both had many issues. I started keeping my distance and having firm boundaries and expectations, this really does keep us having a good relationship. Also, my parents have also changed a lot over the past several years. My dad is almost a different person, he says things I thought I'd never hear in my life. He's grown to be supportive and helpful when I'm in serious need. I think part of it is that he may be lonely now that he's divorced and my grandmother has passed, but he's a different person. My mom has also changed a lot and although she doesn't have much money, she tries to do what she can to help when we need it. I think a lot of it was that they were both young and immature when they had kids, not that it's any excuse. For many years I thought I was unloved and unwanted by them, but as I grow older I realize they have had good intent, despite many issues. My mom didn't pay child support, lied about being on birth control and my dad ended up with two kids. Actually, up until today, I thought he never wanted kids...but he told me he just wasn't ready until his mid or late thirties. I've used their mistakes as a learning tool, I may have been another person if I didn't and I am proud of myself for my choices and accomplishments. That's why I think it's important to wait until you're close to thirty or over before having kids...you're more stabilized emotionally and financially. My parents weren't.

I cannot change the past and neither can they. I am a much happier person being able to let go of that resentment and see them for who they are today and their efforts to change and make things better. If your parents never change...it's time to let them go and move on with your life. Do what makes you happy and what makes you proud. Surround yourself with other relatives and friends who appreciate you.

Edited March 15, 2013 by pink_sugar

March 16, 2013

Wow great question but where do I start or how to explain?

I think I did good and bad here on this actual matter.

Yes I took at least some part of my life back I stood up to a emotional vampire bully and abuser right to her face and told her : go on do your worst but watch and wait what I will do and she saw and got that

I meant it.

I also paid all to high price for it been cut of from any help when I needed it most am all day long slandered and libeled to anyone and everyone who would listen to her lies and stories she sells are not only ugly but complete lies.

I love who I love don't ask permissions anymore and don't let her ugly little digs and growls make me afraid to go my own way her snide comments are met with I'll defend myself in any way I can you tear into me I'll rip you apart way.

But I also have to hide things keep quiet on things and never turn my back on her or trust her that's impossible my own private life suffers because of this stress and things.

So I honestly wish I could tell you that I am doing more good then bad but am not sure that I can do that and not lie ...

March 16, 2013

Hi, Pink_sugar, thank you for sharing your story! (I am 26 years old.)

I read your post with great interest. May I ask, since you wrote that you felt unloved for many years, what helped you to emotionally get over that feeling of being unwanted (by your parents and, by projection (in my case), by everyone else)?

A big problem for me is that rationally I can understand that my parents (like yours) had a lot of their reasons for behaving like they behaved, but somehow all this rational reasons don't seem to be helping me to resolve this emotionally.

For me it's very hard to trust someone again after they've let me down/broke my trust, even if they have a lot of reasons/excuses. I try my best to forgive people and trust again, but there's some underlying resentment and mistrust in me that I can get rid of.

I'm quite strict when it comes to my own mistakes, but I want to learn how to be more forgiving towards myself and towards others when mistakes are done. Do you have any advice regarding that? How do you manage to forgive?

Thank you so much for your help! Best wishes!

March 16, 2013

Hi, Bluegreen!

Thank you too for sharing your story! I am sorry (as with Pink_sugar) for bringing up a potentially painful topic, and very grateful for your words.

I'm happy to hear that you've stood up for yourself! I know it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to recognize emotional abuse/vampires, which makes it even more damaging and hard to fight against!

But I'm sad to read that you're paying a high price for that, and I can only hope that people know that the stories about you are lies and not the truth...

May I ask how you get along with other relatives? Is/was it possible in your case to set really strong boundaries/cut someone off and have at least relatively normal relations with other relatives?

And if I may ask, how are you facing the forgiveness aspect? Like Pink_sugar said, it's important to not burden oneself with the unchangeable past, but for me it's hard to do it. Even towards the relatives who didn't hurt me actively/directly, but who nevertheless didn't recognize or addressed the problems I've been facing.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts! Best wishes!

March 16, 2013

Hi, Bluegreen!

Thank you too for sharing your story! I am sorry (as with Pink_sugar) for bringing up a potentially painful topic, and very grateful for your words.

I'm happy to hear that you've stood up for yourself! I know it's hard. Sometimes it's hard to recognize emotional abuse/vampires, which makes it even more damaging and hard to fight against!

But I'm sad to read that you're paying a high price for that, and I can only hope that people know that the stories about you are lies and not the truth...

May I ask how you get along with other relatives? Is/was it possible in your case to set really strong boundaries/cut someone off and have at least relatively normal relations with other relatives?

And if I may ask, how are you facing the forgiveness aspect? Like Pink_sugar said, it's important to not burden oneself with the unchangeable past, but for me it's hard to do it. Even towards the relatives who didn't hurt me actively/directly, but who nevertheless didn't recognize or addressed the problems I've been facing.

Thanks a lot for your thoughts! Best wishes!

Dont worry about it we need to talk this out or it will eat us alive.

Yap sometimes is incredible to figure out this it took me years and years until one day I KNEW and by then so much damage has been done.

I can hope to but people actually eat this stuff up it matters is it true or not sometimes they just love having someone else life being worse then their own pathetic one so they can judge and point fingers.

Forgivnes HA ?

Like hell that would happen I will never forget and forgive thats not who I am in first place anyway how not to burden myself with this is actually thing I struggle myself with most as well.

I washed my hands of other relatives years ago why well they are WORSE then what I have at home ugly rotten toxic and snakes of course I also paid even bigger price for that 'sin" I commited and they have never been any different either.

So I guess I always was on my own against the whole world more so once I decided that I had enough ...

March 22, 2013

Attending therapy and speaking with family members who validate my experiences helped a great deal. I also limit my contact with my family of origin, no matter how angry it makes them. My parents have never been to my home because I don't want my mother's negativity around me. I don't talk to my two older brothers because they love to gossip or be abusive in different ways.

My mother wants to be best pals now because she feels guilty about being abusive in the past. Her guilt is not my problem and I need to protect myself emotionally from her. I can chatter with her about inane topics but I won't be her bestie like she wants. I politely decline any offers to go on vacation with her.

I also try to remind myself that I spent too much time being depressed because of my family and now it is time for me to live my life.

March 24, 2013

This is a great post.

My story: my father left my mother when she was pregnant with me. When I was 8, my mother was admitted into a mental institution and has been there since, and my step-father took over custody of me. When I turned 18, my step-father passed away. I have three older siblings who all dropped out of high school and live pretty low lives.

My mother always has been and always will be emotionally abusive, to the point where she's in an institution because of it. My step-father was financially supportive until I was 18, but he was always emotionally unavailable and we argued all the time.

I deal with it by severely limiting my contact with my family. I haven't spoken to my mother since I was 15 and I cut off contact with my oldest sister and brother when I was 19 (I'm now 21, almost 22). I talk to my other sister on the phone pretty frequently, but she doesn't visit me at school or anything and we have our own very, very separate lives. Instead, I confide in my friends for almost everything and my closest friends are very aware of my dependence on them, which they are great about.

I do struggle with feelings of abandonment though. If I grow distant from a friend or a breakup happens it takes a greater toll on me than it would most other people. Usually, I just depend on my close friends to get me through things like this. Basically, my friends fill the emotional void I have from having a broken family.

Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. In 6 weeks I will graduate with honors from one of the best public universities in the country, and with almost no student loans. I will then be attending one of the top 20 law schools with full tuition covered. I know I'm going to be okay, and you will be too

Favorite quote? Carl Jung, "I am not what has happened to me, I am what I choose to become".

March 25, 2013

Hi!

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and thoughts, I'm really grateful!

@Bluegreen, in a way I think like you think, i.e. a part of me is so angry that I don't want to forgive them, that too much has happened. On the other hand, I want to forgive them in the sense of letting go, first and foremost because of myself - I want to go on with my life, without being anchored by them anymore... But it's hard to emotionally comprehend what my rational head is telling me to do...

I was sad to read your post and see all the sadness, anger,..., they have caused you! But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both/all of us:)

@Nyla, thank you for sharing your techniques! Some of them I'm already doing and some of those that you've mentioned I'll bear in mind. I like the idea of physically keeping my parents/family out of my future home (in a way - subconsciously more than consciously - I've done that in the past when I moved away)! Now that I'll be doing it consciously, it will be easier for me!

If I may ask, how did you deal with the anger and resentment? I imagine therapy helped a lot, but is there any advice that you might be willing to give me?

@Mayfare, at the start of reading your post I was sad to read it, but towards the end I was really happy to hear that you've come out of everything so great! I can only imagine how hard it must have been and admire your determination and everything!

If I may ask, is there a part of you that's afraid that your close friends will "leave" you if you open up to them with problems? How do you deal with that?

Because for me that's very hard (and I admire you greatly for succeeding), I'm afraid that when if I rely on them a lot, it will be too much and that they will start avoiding me as well (because in a way, I did that with my older sister when I just couldn't stand helping her on top of everything else...)...

Did you have a "talk" with each of them, trying to explain your fears, telling them to tell you when it will be too much, so you know when to back off and maybe talk to some other friend (kind of like a rotation:))?

In the last couple of months, I've had some people of whom I thought as my very good friends "abandon" me, i.e. stopped answering my calls, replying to my e-mails, due to my issues (several times I didn't reply to phone calls for days at a time, ...). I tried to explain it to them, and even though I understand that at the moment I'm not the easiest and most reliable person, I'm trying and I don't think I'm so bad as a friend. Even in current situation, I've always been there if someone really really needed me...

edit: That quote is really great!

Thanks again to everyone for all your insights! They are all reassuring, helpful and thought-provoking!

March 25, 2013

Christ, I'm so pissed with my mother right now, I just bought a bottle of Scotch. I could really se someone to talk to but I don't know anyone available in this town right now. She is gonna be 80 but she's not senile. She's very hard to get along with for long without spats. The main issue is that she'll do anything including lie rather than admit she made a mistake. And that is insulting as hell when I try to help her. She's also "passive aggressive"--like if we have a shouting match, she'll start humming or whistling to try to get under your skin as if none of what just happened bothers her. I always just let that go but it's an aggression.

Here's the deal, I have a sister who just turned 50. She works four days a week for a lousy $9 and hour. She does nothing to reach out and see if she might be eligible for some help. She has never had health care. So last week she starts bleeding from the rectum and my dad died of colon cancer. I downloaded all the forms, filled them out for her and got her to sign them. I also asked them both--my mother and sister if she wants to go to the hospital because the form asks you if you've incuured any medical bills in the last three months. I've been through this crap myself at times but never, ever went without health coverage of some kind. I'm displeased with my sister because she doesn't realize that one illness could put my mother in the position of either paying and wiping oout her savings or choosing to let my sister die. Why face that if you don't have to? And you don't if you do what you're supposed to--either work for a good company that gives you benefits or file for god damn Medicaid.

So they decided to just sign the papers to get whatever I could from social services. Then my mother buys her health coverage--some crappy little plan that neither of them are gonna be able to pay the premiums for. Meanwhile my sister gets an interview with a social worker. And might get Medicare. I questioned my mother why she didn't tell me she applied and she lied and told me she told me twice. All my mother did was yell out last Friday that my sister got something in the mail. She never spoke to me specifically and told me she bought my sister the insurance. I started to get annoyed because I did this work and now it will look like my sister is trying to commit welfare fraud. Instead of my mom seeing the position she put her in and how I deserved to be consulted since I did the work, she kept lying that she told me. I'm not an idiot little boy. I know what constitutes lying on applications for services. She said "oh she probably won't get it". I hate that defeatist assumption crap. Then she says her friend Dianne had problems getting coverage as if that gives her reason to dismiss me. I told her whatever happened with Dianne was 20 years ago. Now adays there are computers that can be checked instantly. She replied "oh, that won't happen". I blew up and started telling her how pig-headed and dense she is and that she never apologizes ever when she's wrong. She fought me tooth and nail last year about my initiative to dump our cable provider and get FIOS. We saved $1,300 in one year and multiplied out net speed so that there's no more buffering on YouTube (or hen I watch some porn here and there). I get nothing but "it's probably not going to work". I hate to be dismissed out of hand like I'm an idiot.

I know damn well what she said and didn't say. And she may die soon and my dummy sister might be declined from public assistance forever for appearing to lie on a social services form--sworn to and signed. And my sister is such an oaf that this is all just a temporary nuisance for her. Someone needs to cancel that insurance or contact Social Services and correct the situation. But my sister hasn't even gone to the doctor yet. If your parent (dad) dies at 63 from colon cancer and your 50 and never had a colonosopy and are bleeding from your rectum, doesn't that seem like reason to get a god damn move on or at least communicate with the person trying to help the most? Me. I don't feel like drinking the Scotch. I bought it. And it's sitting there. I just need to vent. I can't believe how pig-headed my mom is. And ungrateful. Often I drive my sister to work so mom doesn't have to. Then I get this crap that I don't pay attention when she talks. You people who read my stuff know I'm not a freaking ignorant person who you can pull that crap on.

March 26, 2013

Haha oops! That post did sound insanely negative for the first 90% of it, didn't it? Wasn't meant to

I think I worry more that my friends mean more to me than I do to them. Thanks to my stepdad, I grew up in a very affluent neighborhood where not many other kids had family issues and had to rely on friends for emotional support, but I relied on them completely. That has continued to bother me, but as I've gotten older I think it's less of an issue because people just naturally become more independent from their families with age, so I don't feel like I'm missing this essential family-thing that everyone else has. Eventually, our parents will all pass and we'll be married with kids/our own families, and our new family will be no more broken than anyone else's. Eventually, we all just have our friends to rely on anyway.

I guess I just don't confide in my friends until we're very, very close. By then, I don't think my emotional baggage is enough to drive them away because they value my friendship just as much as I value theirs, and I know they're concerned about me. I don't dump my baggage on all of my friends either, just my close ones. On top of that, I dump different baggage on different friends haha, so it's only a bit for each of them to handle and not so much on one or two people. For example, I have one girl that I would go to for relationship issues, another for school stress, and a close guy friend to talk about family stuff. I trust all of them and they each give great support in their respective domains. Also, if I ever lost one of them, it wouldn't be like I was losing my entire support system all at once, so that helps too.

This may sound terrible, but I also sort out who my "party" friends are from my close friends. I have a few friends that I will go out with every weekend and I love to spend time with them, but I wouldn't tell them my middle name, much less confide in them about family baggage haha. I know that if I dumped too much on them that they just wouldn't be able to handle it, so we just have fun together and that's all. That said, these friends are SO important to my well-being. I love that I have a number of people that know me well, but don't know all the sh*t I've been through. When I'm with them, it's like a safe place b/c they'll never ask questions I don't want to answer and we can just let loose and have fun, which is so important!

March 27, 2013

hi,

@Feeling Frisky, that was a tough story to read. I hope somehow things will turn out ok health-wise! And from what I've read, you're doing so much trying to help them, I hope it will somehow bring positive results!

Given the amount of resentment (and a lot of other emotions) in you I'd strongly recommend reading the book "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward (available PDF online, google it)! It's never to late to start changing things and, most importantly, changing yourself and protecting yourself...

Since I'm not from the US, I'm sorry I can't give you practical advice regarding health-care plans, legal issues etc. I hope others will. But in the book above (and other books) there's a lot of advice on how to mentally/emotionally deal with what's going on or has been going on with your family!

@Mayfare, great to hear from you again! It made me smile reading your post!

No, it wasn't 90% insanely negative, on the contrary, even though the events described were bad, the post was really up-beat! Which is, I think, a good sign for your future legal career:D

Thanks for the info in that post, it gave me a lot to think about. And I really like your support system/friends, how you try to talk about different areas with different people, and that you also have "party" friends...

Another question, if I may - do you ever worry about the "balance" in your friendship relationships? Because for me it's really tiring and exhausting to keep worrying if I'm talking to them about my problems too much, but not helping them enough in return. And then I find myself rather closing up regarding my problems and trying just to focus on their problems. I can't really relax and "just be friends" with them...

Thank you again:)

March 29, 2013

Hey Calvin!

This sounds super cliche, but I think finding a balance with your friends comes from finding a balance within yourself. The difference between me and my siblings is that each of them kind of let our family's dysfunction define them, and they made friends with others that did the same. For me, I could never be defined my family's screw ups. I have my own ambitions and through those, I've made friends with those that have the same drive that I have. Thus, I communicate with my friends about school stress and plans for the weekend, just like anyone else would. So I guess I find a balance because there are a lot of similarities between us despite coming from very different backgrounds, and we talk about our similarities just as much as our differences.

I do have one friend in particular that I really worry about how much I dump on him haha. We went to high school together but weren't friends until around graduation. We go to different universities in different states, but talk on the phone ALL the time and see each other on breaks. He is a very introspective person and has his own issues with his family, but also came from the same affluent neighborhood as me and deals with feeling a bit out of place there as well. I feel like it's usually me venting and him listening, but he assures me he doesn't mind because he loves pyscho-analyzing me and doing all that garbage haha. I just love having him to vent to. Of course I'm there for him to vent to as well, but he doesn't really need to as much as I do haha. We also joke about how dysfunctional our parents are so that keeps our heavy conversations rather light, which is so important. Adding sarcasm and good humor helps get through a lot of stress! This is also a relationship I couldn't have with anyone else, just him.

Do you have friends that you just consider your "party" friends? For me, those friends are important because I have people around me that make me feel just like everyone else. When I'm with them, our parents never come up. Occasionally we'll discuss how much school or work sucks, but usually we're just out to have a good time. My relationship with each of these friends is VERY different from the friend I described above, but each of them really balance me out.

If you don't mind, I'd like to shoot a question to you! The biggest thing I struggle with now is the family aspect of dating. Ugh! I was dating a guy for two years (just recently ended it) and he was VERY close with his parents and even extended family. His family was very well off and extremely involved in his life, probably more than they should have been. His relationship with his parents probably was so close that it would have turned most women off, but I felt like I kind of craved it. Their only child was in his first serious relationship, and so they loved me so much and we became very close. However, I didn't really have much to offer him in terms of family. I don't really want my family even to come to my college graduation next month, much less my wedding one day, and I worry about how this looks to other people. Has this ever been a concern for you? How have you handled it?

March 30, 2013

Hello, fellow future iurist (hm, that really should become another entry in the dictionary for the word "futurist":D - if you don't mind me asking, have you already got an inkling of what do you want to become - judge, lawyer,...?)

First of all, I just caught that you're graduating next month - wow, congratulations!!! That's awesome, congratulations!

Thank you for your words, they're very poignant and meaningful! Yes, I've been trying to finally find some balance and peace, both on the inside and outside, after so many years of running around like a headless chicken trying to do everything and please everyone:)

"he loves pyscho-analyzing me and doing all that garbage Haha, that friend of yours reminds me somewhat of myself:) Humour and sarcasm have been my faithful defense mechanisms for a long time, and it's interesting to observe myself how almost automatically I use humour in tough spots:) It's great that you have someone like that!

Regarding my party friends - in a way, I felt for the first time slightly more like a normal person/student only when I went to another country on an exchange last year. It was kind of like starting with a clean slate, everyone looking to just enjoy themselves, party,... And there I had people with whom I mostly partied and not discussed serious issues (except the mandatory Meaning of life (42) questions when seriously drunk...). And it felt great to finally "be like everyone else":)

Sure, no problem, keep the questions coming, I'm glad to help you as much as I can! I'll try to check your threads more regularly henceforth. I just read your last threads and saw that no-one replied after your last post in your last thread (23rd of March) - if you still wish to discuss that (I don't want to impose), I'd be glad to respond to that thread tomorrow/next days?

In response to your question - first of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending... I vividly remember how it feels when you (start to) lose your first love/long-term relationship, and I wish I had known about this site after my break-up -> so I'll try to do my best to help you with all this:)

You've mentioned that you became really close with his family and that you craved that - I totally understand that! It was really similar to my ex gf's family - quite soon I started to get invited to all the family events, I played with her cousins (from 1 to 10 years old) very often, ... And I found the warmth and a bit more more normalcy etc. in her family that I missed in my family. So when she broke up with me, it wasn't just about losing her, but also about "losing a(nother) family", which was really hard, but eventually it got easier or at least more tolerable, and I learned a couple of lessons regarding that as well. How are you coping with that aspect? Are you still in contact with his family (I couldn't quite catch that from your last posts)?

I brought her home to meet my parents after a month of being together (after meeting her family) and had her over quite often. Looking back, I wish I had waited longer before introducing them, before spending so much time together. She sensed much better than I did all the problems and toxic behaviour in my extended family, and I wish I hadn't exposed her to that. I also think a big part of why I couldn't enjoy my relationship with her was because of my family (at the beginning of our relationship, my parents&sis were battling depression and I had to take care of them in many ways...)..

So I think in my future relationship(s) I'll be much more careful and that I'll handle it more cautiously. I've already started doing that, and now I don't talk to my parents about the girls I've met in the past, I don't even mention when I start to see someone etc. I'm also more cautious when talking to other people, especially girls I like, about my family (well, except here:)). And like you, I'm much more reluctant now to include them in my life (I used to tell the often about the awards I got, achievements, job offers, invited them to events,...), because, as I've told them, I kind feel like telling them and involving them would somehow "poison" those nice things.

So I understand and support your reluctance to involve your parents in your graduation, private life,... I think that until you've resolved the issues they've caused you, until they've changed, until you feel comfortable sharing your life with them, you should keep up the boundaries that make you feel safe and comfortable!

Regarding the concern of how that would look to other people, that you don't have close ties to your family, don't invite them to graduation etc. - I firstly wanted to ask you what do you mean by "other people"? Who are you concerned by? Your (potential/future) boyfriends? Friends? Acquaintances from school, random strangers? Because I'd answer differently for different groups.

But in a way, I could already give you a part of my answer now - I wouldn't worry about how it would look to other people (I'll try to tell you the same that I tell myself every day)...

First of all, you are the most important one and if you include your parents into your life more than you're comfortable with just so it wouldn't look weird to others, you will do yourself more harm than good.

Secondly, I think that those people (friends, boyfriends,...) that would think less of you because of how you protect yourself from your family aren't very good friendship/relationship "material" for you - for my (girl)friends I want people who understand that good people can have tough relationships with their families and don't judge them, but support them and try to help them in dealing with the troubles they have due to their families.

So if that will look weird to the people (you wish were) close to you, even after you've talked to them about this, I'm afraid that they don't really understand you. I'm not saying there's sth wrong with them, they just have (too much) different outlook on life (in this aspect) than you do, different way of dealing with issues, ...

Of course, it's important how, when, ... , your (boy)friends find out about this. But basically I think they shouldn't think less of you b/c of that, on the contrary, if they're good (boy)friends (for you), they will support you... And again, I personally think the way you're dealing with all this is admirable and great, and I only wish I will learn much more from you about this and use it successfully in my life! And I know I don't know you very well, but from what you've written, I'd be really happy to know you and "have" (that always sounded a bit odd in English to me:)) someone like you in my life!

As for strangers, acquaintances etc. who'll be at the graduation, who'll hear about the wedding etc. - I wouldn't care! Life is hard as it is, those people don't know you, and if they pass judgment without know you/the story/..., I couldn't care less about you. One of the hardest, but ultimately most rewarding lessons in life for me was to stop worrying about what more or less random people in my life think about me. I think I've made a lot of progress in that area and it just makes life so much easier and nicer:)

I wanted to say that a lot of my friends have similar experience with their parents, and every once in a while we all acknowledge that it's really great that we can talk to each other and support each other in all this!

I could talk more about all this, but I'll wait to see if I understood your questions correctly:)

And lastly, I wanted to ask you about what you've mentioned that you couldn't really "offer him much in terms of family" - how did you feel about this when you were with him? Did you feel worried that he (perhaps subconsciously) didn't like that about you?

So much from me for now, looking forward to your reply! Best wishes from Europe!

(P.S.: I hope my style of answering is suitable/helpful to you (I try to include my experience, because when others do that, it's helpful to me, and I rather write a bit too much than too little), if not, please let me know so I can adjust.)

March 31, 2013

Well first things first, I have thought about what I would like to do with a JD! I initially planned on medical school, realized I hated it, and switched to law. Because of how much I've studied the health care system, I still want to be involved in that. So, I guess ultimately I would love to use a JD to get involved in Medical Law/Public Health Law. I'm actually considering getting an MPH in the UK after I'm done with law school because global health interests me so much

Ah..I see you've found my posts about the ex . I guess I don't really worry at all about what other random people think about me being so removed from my family, but I always worried about my ex's parents. His dad, who was way too involved in both our lives, always wanted to meet someone in my family. He was very pushy about me opening up about my mom's mental illness and what got her admitted, what my siblings were up to, etc. It made me very uncomfortable. Despite me being much more academically successful, more responsible, social, and cuter (haha!) than their son, I sometimes felt like they just wanted him to date someone with a stable, happy family, like in some aspect I didn't fully measure up. His parents really did love me and even joked about how excited they were for us to marry, but I still felt like they would have preferred if I had parents or siblings they could be friendly with. It makes me sad to think they'll get close with his next gf's parents/family and just have this thing that I could never provide.

I am still in contact with his parents, I think. I've recently deleted his number and said I didn't want to be friends, which is a whole other story hahaha. However, his mom has said since the day we broke up that she loves me like a daughter and she wants to stay in contact if I was okay with it. She asked me a few times if I would still be friends with her, actually, even though I told her I didn't think I could be friends with her son. His mom actually fixed up a bracelet he bought me and sent it back to me with a matching necklace she bought me and a lovely card. If I text his dad he'll respond, but we aren't really in contact or anything.

When I was with him I never felt like my family background was all that important, but it caused issues sometimes. For example, when I would go to his parents' for the weekend (which was often, because he went home almost every weekend!), he would usually go to breakfast with just his dad one morning. I would wake up to an empty house and be by myself for a few hours until they got home. This made me feel like they purposely went out without me and had this relationship they didn't want me part of. When I talked to him about how it made me feel, he got very very defensive. It made me miss my own dad (who was actually my stepdad, but I always called him "dad") and feel left out of my ex's family. I used to hate myself for getting mad at my ex because I felt like anyone from a stable family would be cool with being left home alone, but it caused so much psychological damage to me. Now that we're broken up, my friends have assured me that I was right to get upset with him over this, but I'm not sure. His dad was also someone that went out his way to invite me over for holidays and make me feel welcome, but I don't think he realized the discomfort some of his actions caused me either.

I guess what really gets to me is that I feel so proud of myself for my own accomplishments and like I have a lot to offer whoever I end up with, but that might not be enough. I know that I'm a good person and will continue to be, but my kids will only have at best, one set of grandparents. My future husband won't get a cool pair of in-laws or any new siblings, because I don't want them in my life. I never felt like I was lacking something until I dated my ex, and I then I realized my family might actually matter. Is this anything you've dealt with before, or was this simply my ex and his family that made me feel this way?

Edited March 31, 2013 by Mayfare

March 31, 2013

Hi

That sounds like a great plan and a really interesting area of law! Good luck!

What you've described about your ex and his family and their behaviour when you were around - in my opinion, it was very unhealthy and a sign of some serious hidden/underlying issues in their family. It reminded me a of a lot of things from various psychology books I've read, stories of people I know,...

His dad, who was way too involved in both our lives, always wanted to meet someone in my family. He was very pushy about me opening up about my mom's mental illness and what got her admitted, what my siblings were up to, etc. It made me very uncomfortable.

I think this behaviour is inexcusable and extremely unsettling! I cannot imagine how bad it must have made you feel and I think that in such situations a person would have every right to react strongly to set&enforce boundaries!

I might be wrong with I'm going to write and maybe I'm being too harsh (especially without knowing the whole story and not being there), but there are several possibilities why he acted this way, ranging from a bit bad to very bad. The best case scenario is that he just wanted to help, but he lacked the empathy to see (at the very least by your reactions) did he was doing more harm than good.

I think another possibility is that in a way (consciously or subconsciously) talking to you about this made him feel better about himself, his family etc. In a way it could have been an example of several defense mechanisms (projection,...) and basically it made it easier for him to feel better about himself&his family and ignore the messages from his own brain about the issues in his family, his son...

Despite me being much more academically successful, more responsible, social, and cuter (haha!) than their son, I sometimes felt like they just wanted him to date someone with a stable, happy family, like in some aspect I didn't fully measure up

In a way, perhaps his father was aware of this (again, perhaps subconsciously), of how great of a girl you were, and tried to "remind" you of your past/family to make you feel a bit more grateful for the opportunity to be with their son and their family and thus to make it more likely that you'd stay with their son...

And just to make clear, if that's the case, then it's their problem and I think he might be the kind of person/dad that will "helpfully" bring up other people's problems to "help" them, and that in a way that would happen with every girl their son will bring home. With you, it was your family, with some other girl, it might be her grades, her health,... Again, I might be too pessimistic about everything and it would be interesting to hear what he was like to other people (outside the family), but I wanted to mention this in the case it might help...

It makes me sad to think they'll get close with his next gf's parents/family and just have this thing that I could never provide.

His dad, who was way too involved in both our lives,

It made me very uncomfortable.

If I may be really blunt, I think you might in time look back on this and say to yourself that you would never again allow something like this. I think that perhaps (again, I don't want to be too presumptuous) because of your love to your boyfriend and your desire to be a part of a normal family you let too many things slide and allowed behaviour (his excessive involvement into your relationship, his pushiness, ...) that you otherwise wouldn't allow, and I think the "next gf" will perhaps really struggle with them and try to distance herself (and her relationship) from them. There are quite a few stories on this site about overbearing parents in law etc...

I am still in contact with his parents, I think. I've recently deleted his number and said I didn't want to be friends, which is a whole other story hahaha. However, his mom has said since the day we broke up that she loves me like a daughter and she wants to stay in contact if I was okay with it. She asked me a few times if I would still be friends with her, actually, even though I told her I didn't think I could be friends with her son.

I can imagine why you still wish to be in contact with her mom, she seems really nice. And I don't want to be pessimistic, but I'm worried how this will work when your ex will find a new gf (presuming you don't get back with him), and how this will affect your healing process...

I'm speaking mostly from experience here - it'd kill me to be in contact with my ex's family (though I really missed spending time with them, and especially her little cousins), because it would remind me too much of her, of the time together, and of what some other guy in the future will get to enjoy. And I knew that for me it couldn't last long term and that therefore it was in the long run less painful for me to stop contact with them then&there and kind have "2 healing processes for the price of 1":)

I do, however, understand that in your case the situation might be different (given your family...), but in any case this might be something to think about...

His dad, who was way too involved in both our lives, always wanted to meet someone in my family. He was very pushy about me opening up about my mom's mental illness and what got her admitted, what my siblings were up to, etc. It made me very uncomfortable

If I may ask, how did your ex bf and his mom react to all this?

For example, when I would go to his parents' for the weekend (which was often, because he went home almost every weekend!), he would usually go to breakfast with just his dad one morning. I would wake up to an empty house and be by myself for a few hours until they got home.

I felt like anyone from a stable family would be cool with being left home alone,

my friends have assured me that I was right to get upset with him over this, but I'm not sure.

Well, I don't come from a stable family:), but I'll give you my 2cents. I think if this would happen once or twice during all the time you were together, it wouldn't be something to get much upset about (even though I'd still be upset).

But from what I understand from your post, it happened a bit more often, and even after you talked to your by about this? In that case, yes, I think I would be very upset and I also think people from stable families would be upset as well. For several reasons.

Firstly, to me it is really impolite to leave a guest/gf to wake up alone in sbd else's house and be alone for several hours, to not start the day together, unless for a very very good reason (which going to breakfast with your dad does not entail, if there was no good reason you couldn't eat together). And not just impolite, but I imagine waking up to an empty bed when you went to sleep with someone would make anyone feel (emotionally) bad and left out.

Secondly, what would bother me even more is your ex bf's reaction to you expressing concern. I would have hoped that he would have done his best (unless you asked for sth extreme and unreasonable) to make you feel comfortable in your relationship in general and especially when visiting his parents, especially knowing your family story. It seems to me that it wouldn't be a big "sacrifice" for him to invite you to breakfast as well, but on the other hand by doing this he would make you feel so much much better (and spare you the psychological damage you've mentioned) and help you feel more accepted... ->

I used to hate myself for getting mad at my ex because I felt like anyone from a stable family would be cool with being left home alone, but it caused so much psychological damage to me.

You've mentioned he became quite defensive - in what way, if I may ask? Did he try to find a solution that would work for both of you?

His dad was also someone that went out his way to invite me over for holidays and make me feel welcome, but I don't think he realized the discomfort some of his actions caused me either.

Though it is nice that he invited you over for holidays, I tend to look how people treat other people in general/every day, not just on special occasions when they decide to put in extra effort/up a show... Even though he invited you over for holidays (which I think is quite normal and almost a given in a serious relationship), it's worth so much less in the light of his other, more common behaviour (pushy about your family etc.). In a way it reminds me of someone who's usually not appreciative/nice to his/her mom, girlfriend,..., but on Valentine's day or Mother's day or birthday he will buy a big present, take her out etc. - it's nice, but to me it's more important what he did the other 364 days of the year.

I guess what really gets to me is that I feel so proud of myself for my own accomplishments and like I have a lot to offer whoever I end up with, but that might not be enough. I know that I'm a good person and will continue to be, but my kids will only have at best, one set of grandparents. My future husband won't get a cool pair of in-laws or any new siblings, because I don't want them in my life. I never felt like I was lacking something until I dated my ex, and I then I realized my family might actually matter.

First of all, it's great that you feel proud, I really think you have so many reasons to be proud and self-confident!

Secondly, I understand why you still fear that it might not be enough - is it possible that this fear is an example of your underlying fears that you in general aren't "good enough", of troubles with your self esteem (caused by your childhood)? And may I ask do you still feel (a lot of) shame about your family and what happened to them?

I'm asking because a lot of times (and certainly in my case) even though we (me and a lot of people I know) rationally know we've accomplished so much and how a lot to offer to anyone, there's a deep part of us that feels we're not worthy... And we feel ashamed on behalf of our family, for what they did etc. I do not want to project my problems into your situation, so I might be really off her, and I hope that's the case - that you really (also deep inside) have very good self-esteem.

Thirdly, I honestly believe that you being such a great person with such great empathy and awareness of issues that people face in their life will do immeasurably more good for your kids(&relationship with your significant other) than another set of grandparents might do.

And if you meet/date someone who will think less of you because of your family, of something you couldn't influence, control etc., I'm not sure I would want to be with such a person. On the contrary, I think your significant other should be proud of you and admire you for how you have handled it and how much you have achieved in life, and support you.

Especially given the fact that you had no control over what your family did to you when you were young and what happened to them, that you did extremely well with what you could influence, and that you didn't let anyone down are trying to do the best for you.

So I think what happened with your family and how you've handled it, distancing yourself, doesn't and shouldn't matter in a negative way when it comes to a potential boyfriend/husband, on the contrary, it should mean something to him in a very positive way. To see that he has a girl/wife that has handled extremely bad stuff that were in no way her fault, in a great way, achieved so much, came out an awesome person with so many reasons to be proud of herself and who has learnt how to deal with bad stuff in life and protect herself, and who will probably because of this be an awesome friend/gf/wife/moth, especially when life will throw a lemon or a pineapple your/his/your kids' way. And I think any non-crazy guy would&should be extremely happy to have someone like that.

Is this anything you've dealt with before, or was this simply my ex and his family that made me feel this way?

I think in my "adult" life I've only met one person/girl who grew up in a stable family. And it showed - in the beginning of us hanging out, she couldn't quite fathom a lot of things I've come to think of as normal. So sometimes when I and our common friends discussed sth common to us (like feeling inadequate, how in the past we would sometimes feel really bad for longer periods of time, sometimes feeling like we are alone in the world, ...), she couldn't quite fathom and in the beginning would often feel upset b/c of us, for example if some nights I decided to stay at home because everything in my life just weighed down on me and didn't feel like company. And I once asked her how does she handle when her friends back home (I met her while being abroad for a longer period of time) get like this, get "depressed" (not in the clinical sense of the world), and she said that as far as she know, no-one ("maybe one") of her friends has ever felt so bad, was "depressed". And then she'd say that she's afraid that because stuff like that has never happened to her and she doesn't understand such stuff, that we won't be able to be so close, such friends as I could be with someone who has dealt with stuff like this.

But with time as I opened up to her, explained why I feel like I do, I think she started to understand more (as much as she could understand would it actually happened to her) and really accepted me (and our common friends) with all our problems, was really supportive and understanding... And now it's quite easy for me to talk to her about this, but at the beginning it felt like I had to "fight" all the time to not show my problems, and it was so much easier for me to connect in this area with other people, even though she was in almost every way the most awesome person I've ever met.

But yeah, she was the only such really "normal" person I've ever met. All my close friends, and acquaintances have had to deal with big issues in life, usually connected with their families. So now I'm thinking perhaps now it's "normal" to not come from a stable family, to not be normal, and that it isn't normal/common to grow up with a normal, functional family

So bottom line, based on my experience I think, hope and expect that the person who will hopefully become my significant other will be someone who has gone through family issues as well and can as such understand me, and in this case my family issues won't matter to her (negatively).

In the less likely scenario that she's someone who has grown up in a normal family, without having to deal with something that would have profoundly affected her in a negative way, I think she would with time, like the girl above, come to understand and support me, so again I don't think my family issues wouldn't matter.

The "only" scenario where someone could "hold" something like this is if someone has big (family) issues of his own. Either he is still in such denial about his family that he thinks everything in his family was near-perfect and that's why his defense mechanisms are making him think "wow, how can he/she have such problems, something must be wrong with him/her etc.". Or he is not in denial, but will be dealing with them in counter-productive/toxic ways (drinking, trying to go "all-in" in his new relationship, transfer his problems to the relationship and "try to solve them there", ...).

So I've never really met someone important to me who would hold my family issues against me, someone who would be pushy about them, who would shun me, make me feel uncomfortable (especially after me telling them that something is making them uncomfortable), ... Of course, I had problems in my relationship with my ex gf, which, looking back, stemmed in many ways from problems that we had with our respective families, but that was while I was still quite in denial about the magnitude of my family issues and really didn't have any clue about how to deal with them (and I was also quite defensive at the beginning of our relationship when she'd bring up my family issues - but after a year together, I/we went to therapy and it has helped me a lot).

So I think that there's a very good chance that with a lot/most of the people/guys you meet your family won't be an issue they'd "hold" against you, be pushy about this,... And if you meet someone who will (and won't be willing to really understand, unlike the girl mentioned above), if I'd be in your place I would take his approach to problems in life as a deal-breaker and would move on before investing myself too much...).

Hope my answer helped.

March 31, 2013

Well his dad himself came from a somewhat dysfunctional family, so he always tried to reassure me that he understood my situation and all that. I did appreciate his dad's efforts a lot, because he grasped much better than his son did why I hated holidays and going home and such. His dad would be the one to invite me for weekends, breaks, and on family vacations with them. I felt like his dad was kind of stepping in as this father figure that I was lacking, so when he crossed some boundaries, I let him. I don't think he meant to discuss my family to make me feel bad or anything, but I think he felt entitled to know this information since I was dating his son. He always reassured me that he understood, respected me, loved me, etc, but I didn't like discussing my family and that was that.

When his dad started pushing the issue of my family it was just the two of us in the room. I had just woken up at their house and was having coffee with his dad in the living room, and he suggested that I discuss all the family stuff with his wife so she's aware of it. I remember being taken aback by how much he felt like he had a right to know this stuff, but it was probably just concern for their son. I was at breakfast that morning with his mom (coincidentally...not so much) and just told her everything. She was super polite and even started crying because she felt so bad for me, which I kind of hated. I usually don't open up about my family not so much because I'm ashamed, but because I hate receiving pity from other people and they usually don't even understand either. When I talked to my bf about that whole morning later in the day, he apologized for his parents being pushy about it and he felt terrible. I appreciated his apology, but my bf was just someone that would never stand up to his dad and say "lay off of her", so it didn't mean all that much to me.

And I guess you're right about the next gf thing! It's hard for me to accept that their behavior would be unsettling to anyone, not just me, and the next gf will likely have issue with it as well.

When I spoke to my boyfriend about it the first time he actually cried haha. He and his dad had just gotten home around 11am and my bf came down to my room to wake me. I had actually been up for hours, as I usually set an alarm at their house so I could have coffee with everyone, but I went back to bed when I realized no one was home. I think I actually cried while they were gone. When I told him this he actually got kind of angry. He cried and told me how his dad was upstairs wanting to make me breakfast and they spent the whole morning talking about how great I was, and now I was mad at him. It made me feel absolutely terrible and like the worst person on earth. He was telling me this sob story about how little time he gets with his dad and how I was upset with him for nothing, how he was obligated to take any time with his dad that he could get.

After this happened again, I spoke to him in a different way. I explained to him how it made me feel and that I didn't mind him leaving me alone, as long as he considered what he was leaving me to do. I told him I was uncomfortable being left alone in someone's house with nothing to do, so maybe plan something for me and his mom to do while he's out with his dad. He said he understood and apologized, but nothing ever really changed. Instead, he would just ask me, "do you mind if I get breakfast with my dad tomorrow?", and then feel better than I said yes, even though I was still home alone with nothing to do haha.

His entire family thought this was okay, actually. I was alone with his mom one afternoon after he and his dad went to get lunch and run errands, and I had argued with my ex before they left about it. His mom sensed that he was upset and I asked her if he said anything about it. Her response was no, he probably just felt guilty for leaving me. When I said I didn't want him to feel guilty, she said she agreed, he shouldn't because it's his dad, and even he did feel guilty he would have gone anyway. I couldn't believe it.

I don't talk to his mom so much anymore. The texting and such kind of fizzled out over the past 3 months, which I'm fine with. I miss all three of them, but I'm starting to see how unhealthy that environment was as well for me, so we just kind of left the door open but don't really talk.

Your answers helped a lot! It's so reassuring to hear that it may have been issues with them, not me haha. I've been worried that I would encounter this in every relationship, so I'm glad to hear that shouldn't be the case.

If I may ask- how do you think you'll handle mixing your family with your next relationship? Do you think you'll let your gf spend very much time with your parents? Do you want your family at all the important things, like wedding, baby shower, etc?

March 31, 2013

Well his dad himself came from a somewhat dysfunctional family, so he always tried to reassure me that he understood my situation and all that.

I don't want to be too harsh on him/anyone, since I don't know the whole situation. I guess his history in a way makes everything better and probably a big factor in his behaviour was to protect his son and to try to help you.

I'm just wondering what else is hiding there, how much did he actually adress his family past - in a way I think there are still some issues left there, otherwise I doubt he'd be acting that way (for example always wanting to meet someone from your family despite your desires to keep them at bay, getting too involved in his sons life,...).

Again, I might be projecting myself and my family -> I've come to realize that in the past a part (too big for my conscience) of why I was always so helpful (and at times too "helpful") to other people was because of my issues with family, which at time I didn't want to admit to myself, and because a part of me felt better about my situation, about how good/bad my family was, how good/bad I was. And most of these bad motives I tried to hide from myself.

I might be wrong - but I've come to think if someone repeatedly makes mistakes/doesn't see that he's doing something that's making the other person uncomfortable, there might be a sign of issues and other, self-serving motives.

I usually don't open up about my family not so much because I'm ashamed, but because I hate receiving pity from other people and they usually don't even understand either.

Interesting, in that respect we're different. With me, I'm ashamed and worried that they'll abandon me b/c of that. And usually, I think, the reaction on the other side was understanding and encouragement, not pity.

And I can understand that you dislike receiving pity, especially if there's too much of it or if there's just pity and nothing else (like you've said, no understanding,...). It would make me wary of opening up to people as well... But I guess in those situations, when a person opens up to another person and doesn't get a helpful reaction, communication becomes crucial - the other person must be told that their reaction isn't helpful, in order for them to change and make an additional effort to understand.

I appreciated his apology, but my bf was just someone that would never stand up to his dad and say "lay off of her", so it didn't mean all that much to me.

And I guess you're right about the next gf thing! It's hard for me to accept that their behavior would be unsettling to anyone, not just me, and the next gf will likely have issue with it as well

To me this is perhaps one of the key things things. I think it's important that a person can count on his/her significant other to stand up for her against anyone in the world, including/especially their parents. And the ability and willingness to stand up to one's parents is a key step in growing up and becoming an adult.

I've seen in my family the inability of my parents, others,... to stand up to their parents, and I've seen and read (in textbooks, here on LS,...) of numerous stories how this adversely affects relationships (between spouses, between those adults and their children,...), usually at the expense of everyone involved.

So yes, I think as long as he doesn't start standing up to them, most people/girls will probably find their family dynamics unsettling, to say the least.

Also, what did you mean by "didn't mean all that much to me"? That his apology was hollow to you, sth else? Did you ever talk to him about this (that he didn't stand up for you vis-a-vis his dad,...)?

When I spoke to my boyfriend about it the first time he actually cried haha. He and his dad had just gotten home around 11am and my bf came down to my room to wake me. I had actually been up for hours, as I usually set an alarm at their house so I could have coffee with everyone, but I went back to bed when I realized no one was home. I think I actually cried while they were gone. When I told him this he actually got kind of angry. He cried and told me how his dad was upstairs wanting to make me breakfast and they spent the whole morning talking about how great I was, and now I was mad at him. It made me feel absolutely terrible and like the worst person on earth. He was telling me this sob story about how little time he gets with his dad and how I was upset with him for nothing, how he was obligated to take any time with his dad that he could get

First of all, I'm glad that you can laugh about all this, that's a great sign:)

Secondly, when I read this (both crying and getting mad at you) I was quite unsettled. The first thought that popped in my mind was "emotional manipulation" - why (do you think) was he crying? Because he felt bad for you, for his dad, for himself,...?

Again, I don't want to project my history, but you will be able to ascertain given his behaviour/family dynamics (how he otherwise reacts to stress, disputes, both outside and inside his family, how his mom&dad do - is there a pattern of this he learnt,...).

But I remember that in my experience, both my mom and my ex-gf would start crying basically every time when I confronted them about sth they've did, and by that they were disarming them, because I'd been used to feeling sorry for them and they'd deflect the "attack" on them, gain an advantage in the discussion... And since then I've been quite allergic and really wary when someone starts crying often/every time when I start talking to them about a problem.

how I was upset with him for nothing, how he was obligated to take any time with his dad that he could get

"Nothing", "obligated"?

Ok, if it seems I'm too harsh regarding him, it's also because I can see in him the mistakes I've made and very often I wish someone else was so harsh with me more often in the past when it came to stuff like this, so I'd sooner open my eyes.

After this happened again, I spoke to him in a different way. I explained to him how it made me feel and that I didn't mind him leaving me alone, as long as he considered what he was leaving me to do. I told him I was uncomfortable being left alone in someone's house with nothing to do, so maybe plan something for me and his mom to do while he's out with his dad.

That's a great example on how to approach a problem! Really, that was a very good proposition of a good compromise and a very mature way of approaching him!

He said he understood and apologized, but nothing ever really changed. Instead, he would just ask me, "do you mind if I get breakfast with my dad tomorrow?", and then feel better than I said yes, even though I was still home alone with nothing to do haha.

My ex gf told me once that all couples have problems, but that the difference between the "good" couples that stay together and the "bad" that don't is usually in how they approach the problems.

Your approach, I think, is a very good one, and I'd only wish you didn't let him off the hook when he tried to get away with his less-than-great approach, him changing nothing, just "asking" you and forcing you to say "yes" to such a loaded question,... I think I get it why you did it, I did it too, way too often, but now I'm trying (in all relationships) to not let things go unchanged. It's really hard and too often I slide back into my "letting go/tolerating" mode, but I try not to.

When I said I didn't want him to feel guilty, she said she agreed, he shouldn't because it's his dad, and even he did feel guilty he would have gone anyway. I couldn't believe it.

Yep:( I'm sure it must be tough for him to confront his dad/parents, it was/still is for me but I hope he'll do it rather then sooner!

And I think his mom's response gives an interesting indication of their intra-family dynamics...

I don't talk to his mom so much anymore. The texting and such kind of fizzled out over the past 3 months, which I'm fine with. I miss all three of them, but I'm starting to see how unhealthy that environment was as well for me, so we just kind of left the door open but don't really talk.

I'm glad to hear you're starting to see, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it won't be too hard for you. I know it's hard missing them... I think that's another reason why in the future I'll be more cautious not only with introducing my SO(s) to my family, but also to getting too emotionally attached to their family so soon as well...

Your answers helped a lot! It's so reassuring to hear that it may have been issues with them, not me haha. I've been worried that I would encounter this in every relationship, so I'm glad to hear that shouldn't be the case.

Haha, well, maybe we're both crazy and wrong:P Thanks, it's nice to hear that.

To be honest, you played a part in it as well, in the sense of that even though you felt that it was wrong and fought it, you still participated in it, by letting him not change anything... I really get it why you did, it was/is the same/similar with me... But in the future I hope that both of us will be able to put our foot down much sooner, because until that happens, in a way we'll both be enablers. Yes, the biggest issue in my opinion was with them and they had this unhealthy family dynamics before you came into their lives, but for a period of time you let yourself be a part of all this. I hope you don't find these words too harsh (a part of me is typing this for my sake as well, and I'm more strict to myself than to others).

If I may ask- how do you think you'll handle mixing your family with your next relationship? Do you think you'll let your gf spend very much time with your parents?

Good question - to be honest, I still don't completely now. At the moment I'm in the process of seeing what my relationship with my family will be like. I've persuaded my parents to start therapy in April and they have a date, and I've told them that if they ever to have at least a slightly normal/genuine family relations, that there's a lot of work to be done, starting with them addressing what happened to them when they were growing up, in their interpersonal dynamics,... To go to therapy, read books, do communication exercises,... And I told them as long as they don't start doing this, I see little point in us talking frankly about what happened with me etc. And that I'm not saying that this will guarantee that we'll be "normal" after some time, but that without it, we're almost certainly are not going to be and that we'll be more like strangers as the years will go by. So yeah, at the moment it's quite tough and the jury's still out.

But I think I've already decided that in the future (until something changes) I will be much more careful when it will come to mixing my future SOs with my family. I think I will try to wait quite a long time (up to a year, maybe more, i'm not sure - until after the honeymoon phase at least:)) before introducing her to my parents. And the same for me meeting her parents.

In a way I already tried to start doing that when I was with my ex - quite soon she started asking me when we'll introduce our parents to each other,..., (while I was still trying to deal with her lying, cheating,...), and that was one of the things where I wouldn't budge, even though I knew she (at least on some days:)) really wanted to take things further.

But yes, in the future I'll try not to repeat my mistakes and will wait for a long time, until I'll be more confident that the relationship will last, before meeting her family and her meeting my family. But I'll also try to take my SOs wishes into account and try to find a compromise - so if she'll really want to meet them soon, maybe agree to having a meal together every 3 months, ... I don't know, it will depend, I have no certain rules in mind yet. I'd be grateful for any suggestions/advice from you on this.

Do you want your family at all the important things, like wedding, baby shower, etc?

As for above, the jury is still out. Firstly I hope that I will get married and have a kid:D But yes, I honestly don't know what kind of relationship/boundaries I'll have. I really hope that we can salvage a good relationship and it's hard for me to think otherwise, but I'm trying to be a realist and remind myself that I and my well-being have to come first.

April 3, 2013

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days...I've been swamped with school work. Ugh.

Anyway, I think he cried when I confronted him because of mixed emotions. I know he is genuinely a really great guy, and felt guilty that I was hurt by his own actions, but I think this was only a secondary reason. I think the primary reason he was upset was because I was calling him out on being emotionally dependent on his father to an inappropriate extent. He is way too dependent on his father and is not willing to change this, even now. When I got upset with him he must have felt like he was between a rock and a hard place. Looking back at stuff like this makes me not even sad that we're broken up, to be honest.

For the second part of this discussion, I don't think I really have a problem with keeping my family out of my life haha. You're right, you absolutely do come first, and I feel like if my family got too involved in my life that my happiness would be sacrificed, at least somewhat. The only thing I struggle with is the idea that I'm cutting out people from my life that are the only ones who can provide that "unconditional" love that comes from family. I've tried searching for that with my extended family, with friends, my ex, etc. but nothing compares. Currently, I'm struggling to find a balance between burning bridges with toxic family members while allowing myself to stay "family oriented" as much as possible, if that makes any sense at all?

April 4, 2013

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days...I've been swamped with school work. Ugh.

No problem, needn't say sorry (even as a courtesy), I know how it is. Hope it went well!

I think the primary reason he was upset was because I was calling him out on being emotionally dependent on his father to an inappropriate extent. He is way too dependent on his father and is not willing to change this, even now. When I got upset with him he must have felt like he was between a rock and a hard place. Looking back at stuff like this makes me not even sad that we're broken up, to be honest.

Not glad to hear this about him, but glad that you are aware of this and that it helps not being sad about breaking up.

The only thing I struggle with is the idea that I'm cutting out people from my life that are the only ones who can provide that "unconditional" love that comes from family. I've tried searching for that with my extended family, with friends, my ex, etc. but nothing compares. Currently, I'm struggling to find a balance between burning bridges with toxic family members while allowing myself to stay "family oriented" as much as possible, if that makes any sense at all?

Yep, makes perfect sense.

As for unconditional, it was interesting for me to hear at one of my psychology classes years ago that the only "healthy" unconditional love is between a mother and her (newborn/really young) child. After that, they said, love has to have certain boundaries/conditions, things that are an absolute no-no. If you tell someone you love them, will do everything for them unconditionally, no matter what they'll do to you or others, no matter how hard and utterly they will hurt you, it is not healthy. Granted, with family these boundaries or limits are much higher (they will tolerate more...), but there still are or at least should be, if it is to be a healthy relationship.

So ever since, especially given my experience with my ex and my family, I've been thinking about whether I still believe in unconditional love or not, whether it exists, whether it is good or not... And I get your point about trying to look for unconditional love from other people outside of your family...

However, I'm slowly starting to see that given the fact that the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally (my family), or love me the most (my ex), whom I trusted the most, have also hurt me the most. So given that, I'm not sure what good their "unconditional" love would do for me. If that makes sense? I mean, obviously if someone who's supposed to love me unconditionally can hurt me so much, what's the point of thinking "well, they love me unconditionally"?

Maybe I'm a bit too pessimistic today, but I'm starting to not believe in that anymore. Hopefully one day, when I have a family, kids of my own, I will be able to give and receive (near)unconditional love&trust (again?).

But even if not, I hope and think that I will be able to be happy to have this "conditional" love&trust from my friends. There are some people/friends who have never hurt, and even though I can't trust them completely, a trust them so very much, and it means a lot to me & they make me feel safe. So I'm trying not to chase perfection, but I'm trying to get the best I can.

I don't know, I'm rambling a bit today.

So yes, I'm still trying to figure out what the best thing for me would be in regards to my family. I guess keep in touch, but with very strong boundaries. Maybe, maybe one day when I see how much they've changed and when they will have done enough to earn some of the trust back, I can lower my walls a bit. And then a bit more, I guess. But I think they'll never the carte blanche anymore, and I guess at certain point I'll make it clear that after the next "big" mistake they make, it will be the end of the road for us. Because in that case it might be better to spend my time, energy&love on the people who have never hurt me before/so much...

I guess time will tell what I'll do. I have a lot of growing up to do and

.

Hope you'll have a nice day!

April 4, 2013

My step father ws always hard on me ....like almost military hard......i was raking lawns at five.......cleaning shower recesses with a toothbrush to clean the grout while in primary and i was a latch key kid who looked after my little sister....i only found out he was my step father when my real father tracked me down when i was sixteen,and i needed my full birth certificate to get into the navy so me being told was something unable to be avoided...after the initial shock wore off things made sense.....he resented my presence and tried to beat my real father out of me........would call me a sook or get pissed when i cried....so i learned to handle things myself and "man Up" even though i am a woman or was once a girl.......

i actually dont hold any resentment.......i have acceptance and understanding and am self aware...he had issues and reasons.....

i have many fond memories.......and some of the things that we did as a family would make some parents cringe.......like cliff climbing with no ropes, unmanned unpatrolled beach swimming with fifteen foot waves was fun, the rips i had to swim in not so much fun.....rogue waves yeah a bit different...in saying that....i am a survivor........adn i have learned much from him , many good qualities he had......about reliability , being stoic, high pain thresh hold,all attributed to him....he also i believe, remained faithful to my mother........he just didnt want to share her with me........i feel he tried to break my spirit......that wasnt and isnt possible.......no one can.they can break my heart not my spirit...bar god....and he strengthenes that spirit obviously......so theres good and bad with abuse.....depends on which way you look at it....i portected my sister from copping the belt...took her punishments when she was too scared to tell the truth....never let on.....so she didnt feel what i felt.adn ill be thre to defend anyone who needs help ....that stems from em copping abuse......humilty comes with humiliation....so i have that too...................you just cant keep a fighter down....we pop back up again like fungus...............................deb

April 10, 2013

I've wanted to post to this thread, but haven't really had the time lately or the capacity for articulating well as of late (lots on my mind) but at 30, this is still a struggle for me.

I feel guilty for ever referring to my parents as abusive, but the fact of the matter is that my dad had a violent temper growing up, and often used a belt, fly-swatter, or anything else within reach on me when I "acted up" as a kid. This led to me not respecting my father, though he did and still does have many admirable traits... but I am still not at all close with my father, and I probably never will be.

I was emotionally closer to my mother growing up, but her own unhappiness in life led to her (and my father, in kind) being very, very hard on me. I led some very troubled teenaged years, which undoubtedly exacerbated our already messed up dynamic. I was never really a bad kid, either. I was always kind, helpful to others, never got into drugs or things like that... I'm not minimizing the trouble I gave them, though. I know I was a hellion.

At 22, I found myself unwed and pregnant. I was in a LTR with a guy my parents didn't care for. The pregnancy was certainly not planned - it was failed BC. Looking back, I don't blame them for their dislike of my ex in the least. With this news, they told me they hoped I miscarried. In that moment, when I heard those words, I felt I'd never forgive them. I couldn't believe they'd say such a thing...they are, for one, supposed to be good Catholics. I was sick - quite literally, as my morning sickness was constant, and emotionally - I had no support. My ex was not particularly happy with this surprise, and the issues I had with him are for another thread, but suffice it to say, I left him after our son was born and we'd been living together/engaged for about half a year. My son is now 7. My parents do love him and are happy I had him.

I am fearful of the fact that I will probably never be close with my parents again. In separate threads, I have posted about my mom ruining my relationship with my sister, not being able to trust her, etc. My dad is a non-issue because I'm not very close with him at all. I love my parents, I hope they know that...but for my health and sanity distance is all I can control right now. I want nothing more than to be close, to be able to confide in my mother, to have good times with my dad again, but until they do something about their own happiness and learn to treat others (including me) with love and respect, there's nothing more I can do right now.

April 11, 2013

I cut my family off for a number of years. Changed my name, everything - moved on.

I kept having dreams about my mother and when I contacted my family she was on her death bed. I forgave her there and began to see my favourite brother but kept the rest of my family at a safe distance.

My healing was a mixture of freeing myself to enjoy my own family, helping others via my profession and through my faith.

Now you would never even think that we had been seperated. I still do not see my eldest sister but she keeps inviting me to things. I can't speak to her still really. Maybe that will change over time?

.. but I do not regret leaving them behind for a time. I had to become who I am and could never have done that whilst they were in my life.

Take care,

Eve x

April 11, 2013

Hi, Pink_sugar, thank you for sharing your story! (I am 26 years old.)

I read your post with great interest. May I ask, since you wrote that you felt unloved for many years, what helped you to emotionally get over that feeling of being unwanted (by your parents and, by projection (in my case), by everyone else)?

Surrounding myself with those who are good and positive to me and eventually coming to see that my parents do love me, despite their own issues. Getting away from the negativity helped me grow and support positive self esteem.

April 15, 2013

Share your experience with overcoming the abuse/neglect of your parents

My experience and final solution : The ban hammer.

Share your experience with overcoming the abuse/neglect of your parents

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