In limbo and I feel like I've already "left"

[linds124]

I'm in major relationship ambivalence right now. Let me give you a bit of history, sorry if this get's long.

 

Met my husband when I was 20. We hung out every day and night didn’t really “date”. Thought I was going to marry him right off the bat. 6 months into the relationship we moved in together.

 

Things went fine but I eventually started having doubts about the relationship and would fight internally with myself about breaking up with him. But how could I? I thought I was going to marry him and if I give up that easily then how would I ever make a marriage work? I eventually was able to push it out of my mind and make excuses. I did this several times throughout our relationship.

 

Anyway we've been together 7 years now and we just got married over the summer. Before we tied the knot I went on a roller coaster of emotions which I really should've listened to now that I'm here. I read books, saw a counselor, talked to friends, talked to my husband and out of all of it I ignored my gut, everyone else’s advice to leave and took my friends terrible advice. Her and her husband made a comment like "well if that was the case you would've been getting a divorce" and I said "no, we'd be working on things". They said that was my answer. I felt like well gee, if a married couple is telling me this then it must be right and I’ve invested 7 years it’s like we’re already married so we should work on it.

 

I feel like I made a HUGE mistake and that I shouldn’t have married him. I am more attracted to other men than I am him and I fantasize about living on my own. He has been working the night shift and I LOVE not coming home to him. I get upset when he doesn’t go to work and he’s there after I get off. I feel like I’ve already disconnected from the relationship. We like doing things together in a group setting like camping and what not but we have nothing that we look forward to doing together as a couple, never had. It doesn’t help either that he wants kids without a doubt and I’ve recently changed my mind and do not want them anymore.

 

The only reasons I can really come up with to continue the marriage are

 

I’ll lose the social circle we have

I’ll hurt him and probably scar him for life considering his parents divorce history

I’ll feel guilty leaving because he’s so reliant on me

I’ll have to find a new place to live that allows a dog and 3 cats

I possibly could lose the dog

I won’t be buying a house anytime soon

I may end up making the biggest mistake of my life and ending up miserable by leaving.

 

All that said here's my question. I'm pretty sure I want out and I'm an inch away for asking him for a separation so I can sort my head out. I know that's usually the kiss of death... not always. But do I owe it to him to go through therapy? Even though I'm just about at the point that I really don't want to put anymore energy into this relationship.

 

How do you know when you should stop trying?

[CarrieT]

I'm pretty sure I want out and I'm an inch away for asking him for a separation so I can sort my head out. I know that's usually the kiss of death... not always. But do I owe it to him to go through therapy? Even though I'm just about at the point that I really don't want to put anymore energy into this relationship.

 

How do you know when you should stop trying?

You know when you are in the state you are at now. You have already checked out and your reasons are not sufficient to stay:

 

I’ll lose the social circle we have

Big deal. Are you still in the social circle you were in from elementary school? Nope - those change throughout your entire life and not a reason to stay in a marriage.

 

I’ll hurt him and probably scar him for life considering his parents divorce history

Of course it will hurt him. Scar him for life? Stop being so melodramatic; he is better off with someone who will love him and want to be with him - not someone who has already checked out.

 

I’ll feel guilty leaving because he’s so reliant on me

Yeah - and don't you feel guilty now by already having emotionally checked out of the marriage? The physical part is a minor aspect to it.

 

I’ll have to find a new place to live that allows a dog and 3 cats

So. What about him?

 

I possibly could lose the dog

What does it say about you that you would subject another human being to a loveless relationship for the sake of your personal attachment to an animal?

 

I won’t be buying a house anytime soon

Materialistic rationale. Lame.

 

I may end up making the biggest mistake of my life and ending up miserable by leaving.

You are pretty miserable now, aren't you? Admit it - you have already said that the marriage was a mistake. Are you going to compound that mistake with another 30+ years of thinking about the "Road Not Taken?"

 

 

Listen - I was exactly where you are now. Which is why I constantly recommend to anyone to not get married until they are closer to thirty years old. Too much changes in the mindset in those late twenties and your whole life's direction changes. I have seen it over and over and over. I was married at 20 and divorced at 25 and saw dozens and dozens of my friends go through the same thing.

 

Your husband will survive and not be scarred for life. The heart is a resilient organ. Do him a favor and tell him what you have told us. Then start divorce proceedings and move on.

[linds124]

I know the reasons I cited for staying are stupid but I put them there because that's really how I feel about the situation. I guess I could also add that I'll lose a great friend. I think we were meant to be friends, not lovers. But I'm sure he would never be OK being friends if things end.

 

I should also add that I do love him but not as much as I should.

Edited March 15, 2013 by linds124

[CarrieT]

I should also add that I do love him but not as much as I should.

 

Then you should know what you should do.

 

I should add that it may be possible to be friends - but just not immediately...

 

I am friends with all my Ex's but those friendships could only take place after much separation and healing of the hurt. But don't be surprised if the person you want to be friends with doesn't exist after the divorce - people change dramatically between their 28th and 32nd birthdays. Google "Saturn Return" and learn about why I preach about this...

[Quiet Storm]

It's good that you admitted this to yourself now, before you have kids.

 

Let him go. He deserves a woman that wants him.

 

You know what you need to do, but you fear change. That's understandable, but you have to push through that fear. its not fair to him, or you, if you waste more years in a dead relationship.

[Koekie]

Linds124, just a quick question, you say he's reliant on you? In which way?

[Object_a]

Sorry to hear your troubles, OP. Your situation sounds very similar to me and my former partner.

 

All I can say is that feeling like you've already checked-out emotionally and fantasising about living on your own are huge signs that you're not happy being in the relationship. And all the reasons you've given for being reluctant to leave are fears of things you will need to face rather than fears about what you will lose. Worrying about the future isn't a good enough reason to stay.

 

Feeling guilty for your partner isn't good enough either. If you stay with someone out of guilt you will begin to resent them for holding you down and it will poison any good feelings left between you. It will also make you both very miserable. It will hurt to break up but it might mean causing less pain in the long run.