VivianLee Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Same problem here for the ole Viv...she isn't getting ANY!! Yes, it's a little crude but it's a fact!! What in the round world can I do? What in the round world could be his problem?? I've touched on his past and my past in other posts. I don't remember what thread this was in but it said that it seems marriage hurts sex because some men can't look at their wives as sex objects....okay....what the heck?? He cooled his "engines" from the moment we walked the aisle.... He's gorgeous! I'm in love with him. I want him, I crave him.....he likes to talk a little sexy, grabs me a bit AND THAT'S ALL!! "Oh the humanity!!!" I've got drawers and drawer filled with the sexiest lingerie!! I even wear sexy bras and panties just to catch his eye when I'm getting dressed!! I dress very "hootchie at home" (I'm tons more modest in public, the hootchie is just for his eyes only). I bought some scented oil to use so I could add some pleasure to giving him oral sex. I read tons and tons of articles and such about how to give oral sex. He doesn't want any of it!! I threw the oil away! We've made love 2 times so far for 2004! I'm about to die. I see people on TV, in magazines and online having or talking about a sex life, heck my dog has a sex life (puppies!!!!YAY) but not I!!! As most women that post about this, I feel the need (it sounds so chessy) to state I'm considered attractive. I get double takes and flirted with all the time. Even young men old enough to be my son, check me out!! LOLOL!! I am not as skinny as I was when we were first married but I needed to gain at least 30lbs to have some curves...the curves are in the right places instead of me being the stick I was.....maybe he likes sticks!! But come on, I'm 5'9, long curly hair, (my big lips and butt are now in style but maybe that's not his style) and I take baths regularly!! Is there something I'm missing? He is loving and loves to cuddle. He compliments me to no end, he just won't kiss me EVER or make love to me....I'm not getting any younger and neither is he (we're both 37). I have always had a very, very strong sex drive and love to go to limits and the edge. When we've had sex, he stays on the conservative side and barely gives foreplay. I don't complain, I just don't orgasm...I guess I want a sex life and a satisfying one at that. I just wonder what is wrong with me or with him that keeps this from happening, the love is there and I know on my part the attraction is..... Should I just let it go and be glad we are basically happy otherwise? Is there something to supress a sexual appetite so I won't need sex or want him? Can a marriage be fulfilling without a sexual side?? HELP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 I'm with you there! I have a stronger sex drive than my fiance. What works for me is that I have to be the one to jump his bones. He just doesn't always think of sex. I find that once I let him know what I want, he's more than eager to please. Does he give a reason for why he's not into it? Do you try to initiate and get turned down a lot? I'm relatively new here, so I don't know anything... Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Dit! That is so frustrating!!! Have you spoken to him about it? Have you locked him in the room and ripped all his clothes off and went at it? Have you met him at the door when he gets home in nothing but stilettos? 2 times in 2004 good lord woman. How do you do it? Is he getting it somewhere else? I didnt want to be negative but its just a possibility that popped into my head. I have a super sex drive and I just can't imagine myself in your position. I would be ripping out my hair !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 I stopped initiating it a few years back, a chick can only take so much rejection. I got so frustrated with it back then that I let myself open up for an intense emotional affair (not a good thing at all!) Plus, he is one of those guys that wants to be the one that initiates. I found that out when we were dating. I was so hot for him, I wanted him to pull over on the side of the road (it was a rural road, I'm not that brave, I guess ) he wouldn't go for it because he didn't think we could (we are both so tall, he's 6'7) but now I will say, he always mentioned that as a good memory but he didn't go for it or like the other times I initiated. In fact, this is so weird, he'll almost want sex if I'm mad at him! The last time I almost got lucky, he'd done something wrong and knew it and was ALL OVER ME wanting sex (we couldn't because of where we were)......I guess I could stay pissed off at him all the time then I'd get a bunch!! Getting it from somewhere else? Well, that would have had to have started when we first married because he's been this way for 18 yrs now. I don't think so, he did have an affair (for 4 months) but he sent off so many signals that I was pretty much on to him when they started talking. She was then and is now, 3 states away. He has a problem climaxing, so I don't know if that stops his sex drive or not.....he doesn't seem to need it much let alone from me. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Gay? I'm not trying to be funny. But I guess you'd never know for certain. Ok, don't they have miracle pills now to assist with the different types of sexual dysfunction? Have you discussed his climaxing problem with him? I'm not getting any right now either, but then again I'm not married. I really do feel for you. I can't believe you've made it this long. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 This is something you really need to discuss with your husband. Find out WHY he is this way. If it isn't something mental, then get him to a Dr. It is common for older men to have many different kinds of sexual dysfuntions. Why do you think Viagra and all these other new drugs (Levitra, etc) are so popular? A little of getting to the root of the problem and finding a solution will only mean a better satisfying sex life for you! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Can a marriage be fulfilling without a sexual side?? No, not unless the people involved can be fullfilled without expressing their sexual side. Most can't. I'm sure the problems you have both encountered in your marriage are in part linked to this, Vivian. 18 years is a very long time. Has he sought help? The prognosis varies depending on what the problem is but psycho-sexual counselling does work for many. You do also need to consider the possibility that he's gay. It's not that uncommon for that to be the issue in these situations. Seeking help is the responsible thing to do for both of you and for your marriage. If you are this unhappy it is not just your problem, Vivian, it's his too. The sooner you believe that the better chance you have of convincing him of it. That's the only way change will happen and without it, it's hard to see how you can be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Porn? I had the same problems verbadum when my husband looked at porn...not climaxing, not wanting sex ever... Does he have a lot of porn? Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 He is loving and loves to cuddle. He compliments me to no end, he just won't kiss me EVER or make love to me Kissing, in some respects, can be more intimate than f#cking. I suspect your husband is either Gay or, if straight, not sexually attracted to you in the slightest. You might as well be living with your brother or a platonic friend of the same, or opposite, sex. Vivian, it's time to move away from the keyboard, look your husband straight in the eye, and tell him that a marriage without sexual intimacy is a charade, a joke, an abomination. Then ask him what he intends to do about it. If he says "nothing," and won't see a physician or go for counseling, you should have a trial separation. During that time, perhaps you'll meet a man who will f#ck you, kiss you and make you fell like the beautiful woman that you are. Shake this spousal inertia, girl. If your husband refuses, for whatever reason, to light your fire, find someone who will. Life is short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 Gosh, he has been known to read this forum but anyway... Gay? It's crossed my mind but just because of the sexual aspects, he doesn't act out in any way that would make me think he was other than not wanting me. When he had his affair (3 years ago) it was with a woman. He was molested by a man when he was young, however, he didn't remember it till about 4 yrs ago so that wouldn't count for his slowing down when we married. A month into our marriage when I was being turned down, he did tell me in a fit of anger that he just didn't want sex with me anymore now that we were married, it just wasn't exciting. That really hurt but was probably the truth. That was some hangup he had I guess. I realized that he had a problem climaxing when our dating became sexual. I thought he was just holding off. To get him to climax, it took almost 30-45 minutes of a hand job to get him to. I thought perhaps his wearing a condom kept him from climaxing too. Well, I got on the pill about 2 months before we were married and he still didn't climax. In fact, he didn't our whole honeymoon. I really can't remember him climaxing at all except I know he did one time, hence our daughter. He can get an erection, he just can't climax. He sought counseling after his affair. We both got separate counseling but never together. He didn't want the affair mentioned in any shape, form or fashion (he's the same way about my EA too)...... He didn't talk to his counseler about his being molested, all they dealt with was his co-dependence. I can understand if he is having issues about his being molested but that wasn't an issue when we were dating nor when he was having his affair...see what I mean? I think I'll see if he wants to get counseling for our marriage. He thinks if we don't fuss and fight that things are just fine. I want to give it my best try before I give up. I truly love him and enjoy him as a person but I want to have all the benefits that marriage can bring, not just for the "feel good" of it but for the closeness. I just get so discouraged. I'd just like to have a good long session of kissing, it's like Sinner said, it's as sexy as the act itself. Plus, now that I know I am capable of being tempted and acting on it, I don't want to get into another situation like that again. However, this time around he is seeing to my emotional needs. You know, I just look at things and think we just really need to get things seen to in our marriage. We are always helping others with different aspects of their lives and getting called on all the time but we've never stopped long enough to get our own lives straightened out....it's all backwards! Thanks for the advice, keep it coming and I'll keep y'all updated.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 Monday, As far as I know, he isn't looking at porn. He really doesn't have the time. He goes to work and at night, college. I'm sure he could fit it in somewhere but it would be complicated. We have a logger on our computer (due to my EA) so I think I could trace it. He would think it wrong to view porn but that wouldn't stop him from it, during his affair, he'd look at porn (I found the sites) when he couldn't be with his OW (she lives far away)....however, he says he is anti-porn so.... In fact, I asked him yesterday if he was masturbating or looking at porn, now he's mad at me!! Also, I did bring up that it had been only 2 times this year but he didn't say anything about that. He may throw that back on my having my EA.....it's just a vicious circle.... He may read this forum (and get angry) too but I don't care, I haven't said anything that I wouldn't say to him or want him to see....he's very secretive (alot of that probably comes from being a child of two alcoholic parent's) so it will freak him a bit that I'm airing all this but y'all don't know me from Adam's house cat so he shouldn't worry. I just don't have ANYONE I can talk to about this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Vivian, It's hard for me to imagine that you have been able to tolerate things being this bad for so long. Do the 2 of you ever sit down and discuss why there is no sex? It's just hard for me to imagine a man who is not at all concerned about not having sex. I mean, what does he have to say about it? I think I would insist that he see a urologist, to rule out any physical problems. After that I think I would just insist that he attend to his psychological issues, otherwise it will be the end of your marriage. I think you're going to have to take a major stand about this. It does sound as if there are a lot of past issues that are still having a huge effect on his present life. Surely he's not happy with the way things are? Or, do you think, after his traumatic past, he's just happy not to have any conflict? You're in a tough spot, and I feel for you. I hope he can step up to the plate and get himself straightened out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 I did send him an e-mail asking a few things but he didn't respond about the sex, he just answered my other questions.... I'm sure I complicated any other problems by having the EA (the affair was a little physical just not intercourse) so whatever I was aiming for was made even worse, I suppose.... Or, do you think, after his traumatic past, he's just happy not to have any conflict? That is one thing he's always done, he hates confrontation, he thinks it's a sign of things being bad or failure... Here's a little more insight... I really went after him sexually after his affair. I was like, okay the guy wants sex in a bad way that he'd risk everything to get it! He finally got into it there for about 4 months! I was in the process of telling him what I wanted (remember our sex life was so non-existent that we didn't now each other sexually)...as I said before, I pulled out all stops, I bought the sexy lingerie, got in better shape, I would light candles, fix up like I was going out (actually I don't wear my lingerie outside my clothes when I go out but you get my drift! ) and came to bed. Then after that 4 months or so, he went back to how he was. There was the two excuses (of which are legitimate at times) of back and stomach trouble.....by then I'd found a forum for my hobby and starting going outside my closed world of minister's wife and housewife......which should have been a good thing but.... I am going to definitely look into counseling. He will be upset that I seek it for us but I'd rather he be upset than to lose him or to lose myself.... Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Did you see this "other woman" he was having an affair with? Or did you know it was a woman because he told you? Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 I just noticed you said minister's wife...could it be that he religiously believes that sex is purely for procreating? I am so desperate to find the answer!!! LOL says he can help you! Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 In 18 years of marriage, with the exception of a 4 month post-EA "honeymoon," there has been no sex, no foreplay, no kissing and no orgasms. I see you sent him an "e-mail" about, among other things, your sexless marriage. Why did you e-mail him instead of looking him right in the eye and telling him how miserable you've been? Are you an accomplice in your marital misery? Is your marriage an intimacy-free zone? Vivian, if your husband rejects counseling or a comprehensive medical exam, I strongly recommend that you go for individual counseling. If successful, you'll either have the strength to leave your chilly marriage or improved coping schools to accept your sexless marriage. Personally, I hope you leave, but that's certainly not my call. Get thyself into counseling. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 Yeah, it was a woman... She was his first sexual experience when he was 15. They had to break up due to the fact that he moved to this state. She married a year or so later. They enjoyed the rapture of unrequited love for many years (20) before they got back together. They talked during our dating time and up till we'd been married for 2 yrs (till 1988) then they found each other again in 2000 and met on his business trip to her state (twice).... She's tall like me (maybe an inch or two taller) very plain and just a stick.....she was on her 3rd failed marriage and has 4 kids.... Sinner, I think I couldn't look him in the eye because of plain old pride. I know that's stupid but I feel so pathetic and needy that I have to ask about this, even if it means helping my marriage. He's never had an answer and maybe I'm afraid of what it will be if he does....it's fear and pride! Other than the sex aspect out of the 18 yrs we've been married....he's made me happy and feel loved about 16 of those years counting now....but I think we need the whole package and some help...I promise I'll start looking into counselors now!! Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 I promise I'll start looking into counselors now!! Great, woman!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 For the longest time, I thought I was in sexual overdrive. I'm only after it a few times a weeks though. From this forum I realize I'm right in the middle of the bell curve.. Viv, I don't know what to say, but all of the things you've mentioned are exactly what I'm after in MY marriage. I stopped typing for a minute and thought about you wearing that sexy...., wait, I 'd better stop. That emotional component to sexual intimacy is a real tough one, I figure it's the ONE thing in marriages that amplifies all other problematic aspects. hope it doesn't turn your volume up to 11. Everything I had to say to this post has already been said up thread. The counseling, the aggressive flirtatious behaviour, (that is sooo hot!) the medical exam, sexual orientation, emotional effects of an EA, It's seems to me that all the bases have been covered and now you are in for a critical life changing decision.Honey, whatever you decide, If it hurts you or the Hubby, forgive yourself first. Here's a question. What do you use sex for? and another, Have you ever thought that your desire for sexual intimacy might be a cover for a stronger urge to feel or be treated in a certain way? mA Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Originally posted by VivianLee Sinner, I think I couldn't look him in the eye because of plain old pride. I know that's stupid but I feel so pathetic and needy that I have to ask about this, even if it means helping my marriage. He's never had an answer and maybe I'm afraid of what it will be if he does....it's fear and pride! This is where you're thinking is all turned around. You are not being pathetic and needy when you ask your husband why he won't have sex with you. I don't know if you've heard, but sex is a normal part of being married. He is the one with the problem here, not you. One more question what are you afraid the answer might be? Could the answer be any worse than the situation you're already in? Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivianLee Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 Hey Y'all!! I'll answer your questions or statements either tonight or tomorrow....my hubby is home now so I better wait....currently he's cutting grass in a tank top...getting all sweaty....looking sooo HOTT!! I could just eat him with a spoon!!!! I either better go and take a cold shower or I'm going to jump him right there in the yard!! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Vivian, I wish I could give you a hug! I know there are positive aspects to to your marriage but sinner's question (are you an accomplice in your marital misery?) is one that's occurred to me several times both now and in the past. I'd rather he be upset than to lose him or to lose myself.... Exactly - let's hope you don't lose him but if it comes to that, Vivian, it's preferable to losing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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