Living in squalor. How do I get boyfriend to fix it without nagging?

[Nuala83]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now but we've only been living together for 18 months. We live in a small 1 bedroom flat that was bought for him by his parents. Now, I say 1 bedroom flat but the problem is, ever since we moved into the flat, we haven’t had a bedroom. As soon as he moved in (he moved in for a month before I did) he decided he wanted to redecorate the bedroom and immediately pulled up the carpet and got rid of half of the furniture in the room that was included in the sale. He had this notion that he’d have it done within a few months. Well here we are 18 months down the road and the room consists of dusty floorboards with nails sticking out, boxes containing our flat pack bed, holes in the wall (from where he pulled out shelves), boxes of junk and a suitcase which he keeps his clothes in. We sleep on a mattress in the living room which is stored in the hallway when we’re not using it. The hall, kitchen and bathroom are all tiny so it’s all a bit claustrophobic.

 

Every time I ask him to do the room, he says he will but he never does. I've recently started to become quite resentful towards his lazy attitude and it’s affecting our relationship which was previously great. Because the flat doesn't heat well, the winters have been unbearable and even now we’re into the end of March, I can still see my breath when we go to bed at night. I've started to spend more and more time at my mum’s house because I can’t stand it anymore. We had a fight about it just before Christmas and I asked him to at least get a carpet in the room ordered so we could put the mattress in there (it’s a MUCH warmer room) but he said he wanted to get some joinery work done (a built in unit under the window) first and there was no point putting a carpet in only for it to be taken up again. But he hasn't made arrangements for that to happen! And I don’t see any sign of it happening! He’s also used money as an excuse yet he continues to buy things for himself thus stalling on the room even further. Why don’t I do it myself? Because he owns the flat! I can’t arrange for work/carpet fitting in a flat that’s not mine and I have no share in. I don’t expect a share in it either. I just want to live there comfortably with him.

 

I’ve offered to help countless times and he refuses to let me. He says it’s down to male pride. I’m more than happy to help and more than capable when it comes to DIY. I think that might be the real reason he won’t let me help. When I brought round sugar soap and sandpaper one day to prepare the skirting boards he just looked at me all puzzled saying he didn’t need them, then a few day later I returned to find he’s painted them (half of them!) without preparing them. They were a hideous mess (the dust and grit from the room is now painted in) but I didn’t complain. Better a messy looking room than none at all right? That was 6 months ago. I don’t think the room bothers him and I think he’d be ok just leaving it and getting round to it when he feels like it. But it bothers me. And it especially bothers me that the man I love doesn't seem to care that we have to live out of suitcases and I'm unhappy and uncomfortable. This might be cute if we were teenagers but we’re 30 and 31. I feel a lot of it’s down to immaturity and selfishness but those two things don’t go hand in hand with a happy relationship IMO. How do I get him to finish the bedroom without coming across as a nag? Help!

 

Note: We haven’t spoken about it for 2 months now and I don’t bring it up all the time (for those of you who might think I’m getting on his back) but after a recent cold spell I just felt like crying and I have since moved (semi-permanently) back in with my very understanding mum. I don’t want to leave him over this but I don’t want to live this way either. He doesn’t want me to move out and I don’t think he’s doing this as a way of ending the relationship or anything like that

[Nuala83]

Can't anyone help me with this? I could really do with some advice

[TigerCub]

I'm surprised that you made it for 18 months. I would have been gone in 2 months tops (and that's giving the 2 months in an attempt to be supportive). Get your own place. Honestly!!

 

Don't live in a place where you are so unhappy and not to mention freezing!

 

I'm not saying break up - but why put up with being so uncomfortable and unhappy?

 

For clearing out the bedroom, I would have just gone into that room with a big garbage bag and said - ok some of this **** is going or you're going to make use of it in the next 2 weeks - what's going? And if he didn't say anything I'd be sing my own judgement (but I would have been doing that at the 1 month mark- to get things rolling and get some clutter out of the way)

 

you'v been there for 18 months!!!! - why?

Get your own place and be comfortable.

[SoleMate]

And it especially bothers me that the man I love doesn't seem to care that we have to live out of suitcases and I'm unhappy and uncomfortable.

That would bother me a lot too. Your living situation sounds intolerable...both the disrepair/squalor and his unconcern.

 

You've used patience, diplomacy, coping, reasoning......and been unsuccessful. You can't control it, only he controls himself. It might be time to just accept that this is the way it will be. Stop hoping for change, it's not happening.

 

Oh and move out so you can live like a civilized person with a bed.

[Krytie TV]

Not sure how to help. You need to see this an an indicator of who he is as a partner and what you can expect should you choose to commit to him. Is this the kind of partner you want for life?

[Nuala83]

For clearing out the bedroom, I would have just gone into that room with a big garbage bag and said - ok some of this **** is going or you're going to make use of it in the next 2 weeks - what's going? And if he didn't say anything I'd be sing my own judgement (but I would have been doing that at the 1 month mark- to get things rolling and get some clutter out of the way)

 

I haven't done that because I didn't want living together to get off to a bad start. I really wanted to avoid moving into his place and immediately telling him what to do. I probably should have done what you just mentioned.

 

Now I think I've been way too passive. A total doormat. He really digs his heels in when we do argue and he quite often doesn't do things that are asked of him (not just by me but by others) until he has to. I find selfishness and immaturity to be very unattractive qualities in a partner but I also don't just break up with people because they have a few flaws. I kind of suspected I should let actions speak louder than words and just move out but I needed to hear it from others.

[Nuala83]

That would bother me a lot too. Your living situation sounds intolerable...both the disrepair/squalor and his unconcern.

 

You've used patience, diplomacy, coping, reasoning......and been unsuccessful. You can't control it, only he controls himself. It might be time to just accept that this is the way it will be. Stop hoping for change, it's not happening.

 

Oh and move out so you can live like a civilized person with a bed.

 

I think I'll have to move out. Civilised is the key word. I actually feel quite insulted at being made to sleep on a mattress in a freezing room when he could quite easily arrange for a carpet to be fitted. At the very least! His parents even offered to arrange it and pay for the whole thing! Of course, he didn't make me sleep there, I chose to because I believed if I was patient he'd be mature enough to get a move on. I'd be embarrassed if my home looked like that for a year and a half. I'm embarrassed as it is to bring people over

[TigerCub]

I haven't done that because I didn't want living together to get off to a bad start. I really wanted to avoid moving into his place and immediately telling him what to do. I probably should have done what you just mentioned.

Yeah but my plan was doing it after 1 month in - that's not immediately

 

Now I think I've been way too passive. A total doormat. He really digs his heels in when we do argue and he quite often doesn't do things that are asked of him (not just by me but by others) until he has to. I find selfishness and immaturity to be very unattractive qualities in a partner but I also don't just break up with people because they have a few flaws. I kind of suspected I should let actions speak louder than words and just move out but I needed to hear it from others.

 

Yeah I think everyone finds those to be undesirable qualities;)

 

I don't think you should be moving out to get any kind of reaction from him - I think you should be doing it for your comfort and quality of life.

 

Stubborn boyfriends can be tough (my bf is stubborn) but he does listen to reason when he sees that it's a real and important issue. Your boyfriend is just doing nothing because you are putting up with his crap.

 

Definitely go with your gut and get your own place.

 

[Nuala83]

Not sure how to help. You need to see this an an indicator of who he is as a partner and what you can expect should you choose to commit to him. Is this the kind of partner you want for life?

 

He has many qualities that I look for in a partner. But lack of consideration for other people (especially if that person is your partner) is a huge red flag for me. I guess this is just how he is

[CarrieT]

He has many qualities that I look for in a partner. But lack of consideration for other people (especially if that person is your partner) is a huge red flag for me. I guess this is just how he is

 

Look at it as an indication how you might have lived the rest of your life with this man.

 

He is inconsiderate of others which is more than a big red flag - it is a reason to move on from the relationship.

 

I had someone just like that. He asked me to move in with him and he had two bedrooms full of trash. *I* was the one that had to clean it up for me to move despite the fact that he kept promising to do it. Our relationship ended 2 1/2 years later - with him back in a state of squalor.

[Nuala83]

Yeah but my plan was doing it after 1 month in - that's not immediately

 

Your boyfriend is just doing nothing because you are putting up with his crap.

 

 

That's what I thought. I'm actually feeling quite hurt and insulted by his lack of effort. This is not what I expect of a 30 something man!

 

Moving out will definitely make a big difference to me. Living there has got me quite down.

 

Incidentally, we've just got into an argument about a FB status of all things. He refuses to put it up because it doesn't mean anything to him. I told him it means something to me but he doesn't care. He's not a private person for what it's worth. He has ALL his personal information up online, nothing is hidden...except me. Is this a small thing? Or is it just another example of him being inconsiderate and only caring about what he wants. I'm starting to think he really doesn't respect me

[Nuala83]

Look at it as an indication how you might have lived the rest of your life with this man.

 

He is inconsiderate of others which is more than a big red flag - it is a reason to move on from the relationship.

 

I had someone just like that. He asked me to move in with him and he had two bedrooms full of trash. *I* was the one that had to clean it up for me to move despite the fact that he kept promising to do it. Our relationship ended 2 1/2 years later - with him back in a state of squalor.

 

That's exactly how it is with us! He actually holds it against me that I don't spend as much time there anymore and he tries to guilt trip me over it. I don't even have a drawer to put my clothes in and my belongings are in boxes!! It's like if I want anything done I have to do it myself. Except in this case, I can't do anything because the flat is his and he won't allow me to help. So I'm stuck.

 

...except I'm not really because I can move out and stop putting up with it.

[TigerCub]

That's what I thought. I'm actually feeling quite hurt and insulted by his lack of effort. This is not what I expect of a 30 something man!

 

Moving out will definitely make a big difference to me. Living there has got me quite down.

 

Incidentally, we've just got into an argument about a FB status of all things. He refuses to put it up because it doesn't mean anything to him. I told him it means something to me but he doesn't care. He's not a private person for what it's worth. He has ALL his personal information up online, nothing is hidden...except me. Is this a small thing? Or is it just another example of him being inconsiderate and only caring about what he wants. I'm starting to think he really doesn't respect me

 

I don't do facebook and I'm into that - but judging by what you just wrote - if his status is the only thing he's hiding, I would think that's fishy.

 

Overall he's being inconsiderate to you and not putting in a lot of effort into making the R work - seems like he's more drama and "compromise" than he's worth.

[Nuala83]

I'm not overly bothered by FB either. It's just been nagging at my mind that every one of his family members is listed there, we've been going out for a long time and most people know it...yet me asking him to put it up there makes him angry. Privacy I completely understand but he uses it a lot and nothing is kept private, except for me.

 

A lot of people like to appear single to the outside world. They always have one foot out the door in case something better comes along and while I don't want to think that about him, the thought has entered my mind.

 

I'm already back at my mums house and she's letting me stay until I can find a room to rent. I have the money so it shouldn't take me too long. Luckily most of my belongings are stored here anyway due to there being no room at my bf's so moving's no hassle. It's due to snow by the end of this week and I'll just be glad to be sleeping in a proper bed in a clean decorated room

 

I haven't broken up with my bf, but after reading some of the things other people have written, I'm starting to doubt his commitment to me (I already did but I needed to hear it from others to know that I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill) and if this pattern continues, it might be in my best interests to move on. If I have to fight with him about the small things, how are we gonna cope with the big things? We shall see.

 

But anyway, thanks for all your advice everyone. It really helped.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Nuala83

[TigerCub]

Glad you're going to be staying in a much more comfortable place now

 

How did you boyfriend react to your moving out?

[sb129]

He has many qualities that I look for in a partner. But lack of consideration for other people (especially if that person is your partner) is a huge red flag for me. I guess this is just how he is

 

That is huge- esp in your 30s and especially if you are wanting to be with this man long term and maybe have a family with him.

 

My situation is quite different to yours, but we are currently renovating an entire house and our second child is on the way.

 

We're paying people to do most of it, but my H has been working there as well as running his business to ensure its finished on time and we can move back in before the baby arrives. The project started just after new year and will be finished next month- thats 3.5 months for a WHOLE HOUSE, inside and out.

 

18mths for one bedroom is completely unreasonable. You could easily save enough money to do a bedroom in much less time than that.

 

I can't understand how HE is OK with it- most people would find that intolerable for themselves, let alone putting someone else through it.

 

I;m glad you;ve moved out- you have to change the game now for two reasons, firstly for your own sanity, and secondly to show him that you have limits and that its not Ok for him to treat people this way.

[Nuala83]

Glad you're going to be staying in a much more comfortable place now

 

How did you boyfriend react to your moving out?

 

He was sulky and he said "if you loved me then you'd live like this."

 

I told him "If you loved me, you'd do something about the room so I wouldn't have to live like this." He then gave the same old excuses as to why it hadn't been done but would be getting done "at some point!" I pointed out that if he was going to do a, b and c before getting the room done then it might not be done for months, to which he said "so?" and "I can live like this. It'll get done when it gets done."

 

I know enough to know when a person can't be reasoned with and that would have been a futile argument. So I left it at that and here I am.

 

Two words spring to mind when I think about all of this. Selfish and immature!

[Nuala83]

That is huge- esp in your 30s and especially if you are wanting to be with this man long term and maybe have a family with him.

 

My situation is quite different to yours, but we are currently renovating an entire house and our second child is on the way.

 

We're paying people to do most of it, but my H has been working there as well as running his business to ensure its finished on time and we can move back in before the baby arrives. The project started just after new year and will be finished next month- thats 3.5 months for a WHOLE HOUSE, inside and out.

 

18mths for one bedroom is completely unreasonable. You could easily save enough money to do a bedroom in much less time than that.

 

I can't understand how HE is OK with it- most people would find that intolerable for themselves, let alone putting someone else through it.

 

I;m glad you;ve moved out- you have to change the game now for two reasons, firstly for your own sanity, and secondly to show him that you have limits and that its not Ok for him to treat people this way.

 

Oh I agree with all of that completely. About 6 months ago when his dad (who bought him the house) came to visit, he walked into the room, shook his head and asked "Are you trying to set some sort of record here?" That's when he offered to take care of the work and cover the cost. He shouldn't have even had to offer. Again, if that was me I'd be embarrassed by the offer and it would spur me into action.

 

In a lot of ways my bf has been spoiled and I think he's so used to people doing things for him that when he has to do things for himself, he can't be bothered.

 

You're right, it's not ok for him to treat me this way. I'm partly to blame though for putting up with it. You teach people how to treat you and I've taught him that no matter how bone idle he is, I'll stick around and put up with it. I've definitely been too passive...

[Nyla]

If you loved him you would live like a hobo? What an immature little boy!

 

I would have simply taken matters into my own hands and started the renovating myself if I were you.

 

My husband is a procrastinator and he can also be passive aggressive. Rather than argue with him or play the nagging mother role, I simply take over whatever task I have asked my husband to do that he is waffling on.

[Nuala83]

 

I would have simply taken matters into my own hands and started the renovating myself if I were you.

 

My husband is a procrastinator and he can also be passive aggressive. Rather than argue with him or play the nagging mother role, I simply take over whatever task I have asked my husband to do that he is waffling on.

 

If we owned the place together, that's exactly what I would have done! I would have done a substantial amount of work by myself (sanding, painting, putting up blinds and assembling flat-pack) then I would have paid someone to build the wall unit under the window, fix a cupboard door to cover the boiler and fit the carpet. Really there's not much to it and the whole thing could be completely finished within a few weeks including the time it takes to wait for delivery!

 

But it's not my place. I can't do that and what's more, I won't pay to make improvements to somebody else's home. That's why I'm so bloody frustrated. It's so unfair that if I ask him to do something, he doesn't do it and I ask again, I'm accused of being a nag. But if he procrastinates on something important for a year and a half, I can't accuse him of being lazy and selfish?

 

I wish I could just take this into my own hands. I really do. I mean I've dealt with lazy people before. Thing is though, this is exactly the opposite of how my dad was when I was growing up. As soon as my mum pointed out something that needed fixing around the house, if my dad was free, he did it right away. And I mean literally right away! My mum always said that she was lucky because a lot of men need to be nagged into doing anything, but I never realised that until now.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Nuala83

[Shaun-Dro]

I've been with my partner for over 3 years now but we've only been living together for 18 months. We live in a small 1 bedroom flat that was bought for him by his parents. Now, I say 1 bedroom flat but the problem is, ever since we moved into the flat, we haven’t had a bedroom. As soon as he moved in (he moved in for a month before I did) he decided he wanted to redecorate the bedroom and immediately pulled up the carpet and got rid of half of the furniture in the room that was included in the sale. He had this notion that he’d have it done within a few months. Well here we are 18 months down the road and the room consists of dusty floorboards with nails sticking out, boxes containing our flat pack bed, holes in the wall (from where he pulled out shelves), boxes of junk and a suitcase which he keeps his clothes in. We sleep on a mattress in the living room which is stored in the hallway when we’re not using it. The hall, kitchen and bathroom are all tiny so it’s all a bit claustrophobic.

 

Every time I ask him to do the room, he says he will but he never does. I've recently started to become quite resentful towards his lazy attitude and it’s affecting our relationship which was previously great. Because the flat doesn't heat well, the winters have been unbearable and even now we’re into the end of March, I can still see my breath when we go to bed at night. I've started to spend more and more time at my mum’s house because I can’t stand it anymore. We had a fight about it just before Christmas and I asked him to at least get a carpet in the room ordered so we could put the mattress in there (it’s a MUCH warmer room) but he said he wanted to get some joinery work done (a built in unit under the window) first and there was no point putting a carpet in only for it to be taken up again. But he hasn't made arrangements for that to happen! And I don’t see any sign of it happening! He’s also used money as an excuse yet he continues to buy things for himself thus stalling on the room even further. Why don’t I do it myself? Because he owns the flat! I can’t arrange for work/carpet fitting in a flat that’s not mine and I have no share in. I don’t expect a share in it either. I just want to live there comfortably with him.

 

I’ve offered to help countless times and he refuses to let me. He says it’s down to male pride. I’m more than happy to help and more than capable when it comes to DIY. I think that might be the real reason he won’t let me help. When I brought round sugar soap and sandpaper one day to prepare the skirting boards he just looked at me all puzzled saying he didn’t need them, then a few day later I returned to find he’s painted them (half of them!) without preparing them. They were a hideous mess (the dust and grit from the room is now painted in) but I didn’t complain. Better a messy looking room than none at all right? That was 6 months ago. I don’t think the room bothers him and I think he’d be ok just leaving it and getting round to it when he feels like it. But it bothers me. And it especially bothers me that the man I love doesn't seem to care that we have to live out of suitcases and I'm unhappy and uncomfortable. This might be cute if we were teenagers but we’re 30 and 31. I feel a lot of it’s down to immaturity and selfishness but those two things don’t go hand in hand with a happy relationship IMO. How do I get him to finish the bedroom without coming across as a nag? Help!

 

You're a nag by annoying him with this nonsense. Leave him alone and be happy you have some place to sleep, where more and more people today are going homeless in this ridiculously difficult economy.

 

This guy saved your butt! Be grateful that any man cares about where you live instead of always looking for reasons to complain.

[anna121]

Your boundary is that you won't live in squalor. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

For me, this also would raise huge red flags about my partner's life skills. I know that we all get into ruts in our living spaces (like, you own a house and never get around to renovating that bathroom or even unpacking the last twenty boxes from your previous house hahaha) but you're talking about, what, 50% of your living space being freaking uninhabitable and he won't get around to it? That is just intolerable.

 

I definitely wouldn't live there...and I probably would rethink the relationship.

[Nuala83]

You're a nag by annoying him with this nonsense. Leave him alone and be happy you have some place to sleep, where more and more people today are going homeless in this ridiculously difficult economy.

 

This guy saved your butt! Be grateful that any man cares about where you live instead of always looking for reasons to complain.

 

Mengoingtheirownway is that way >>>

 

Compromise and consideration is not nonsense in a relationship troll. I can only assume you have no experience of those. In no way at all did he 'save my butt.' I earn more than him, I have savings while he doesn't and I'm more than capable of living either with a flatmate or on my own. Money's no issue. I chose to live with him because he asked me to live with him and I wanted to move things forward. he also told me that he would decorate the bedroom, two winters and 18 months ago! His parents saved his bum by buying him a home. Obviously he does not care about where I live because we sleep on a mattress in a freezing room. Perhaps read the thread before commenting in future.

[Nyla]

I guess I wonder why you wouldn't consider the place yours too if you live with your man, but then every couple defines ownership differently.

 

My husband pays the rent but this is still our place.

[anna121]

Also, what strikes me about your descriptions of him is that everything is a power struggle. It's all about control.

 

If I am right....guys like that are NOT WORTH IT. They will make you miserable.