Living in squalor. How do I get boyfriend to fix it without nagging?

[Nuala83]

Your boundary is that you won't live in squalor. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

 

For me, this also would raise huge red flags about my partner's life skills. I know that we all get into ruts in our living spaces (like, you own a house and never get around to renovating that bathroom or even unpacking the last twenty boxes from your previous house hahaha) but you're talking about, what, 50% of your living space being freaking uninhabitable and he won't get around to it? That is just intolerable.

 

I definitely wouldn't live there...and I probably would rethink the relationship.

 

Yes. We're all lazy in some way but there has to be limits. I think if it happened to be a 2 bedroom I could just let it go but the fact is I'm paying rent for a studio flat which I did not intend to be living in. I moved in because he made a big song and dance about how he was going to do this bedroom up for me and he wanted to do it all without any help. It's not so bad in the summer but the winters here are very cold and to be cold every evening for 6 months when you know that for the same price you're paying you could be warm, well it's depressing.

[Nuala83]

I guess I wonder why you wouldn't consider the place yours too if you live with your man, but then every couple defines ownership differently.

 

My husband pays the rent but this is still our place.

 

But he's your husband. This man is my boyfriend and the flat is owned by him. Owned outright by the way (did I mention that?) To pay hundreds of pounds out of my own pocket to redecorate someone else's property would be madness. We pay half for food, bills etc. but I'm not gonna pay to have cupboards built and carpets put down. If he broke up with me the next day how stupid would I be for having done that?

 

I also don't feel like it's ours because of the fact I have no say.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Nuala83

[Nuala83]

Also, what strikes me about your descriptions of him is that everything is a power struggle. It's all about control.

 

If I am right....guys like that are NOT WORTH IT. They will make you miserable.

 

It does seem a bit like a power struggle doesn't it...

[Nyla]

But he's your husband. This man is my boyfriend and the flat is owned by him. Owned outright by the way (did I mention that?) To pay hundreds of pounds out of my own pocket to redecorate someone else's property would be madness. We pay half for food, bills etc. but I'm not gonna pay to have cupboards built and carpets put down. If he broke up with me the next day how stupid would I be for having done that?

 

I also don't feel like it's ours because of the fact I have no say.

 

Even before we were married and lived together, my husband's place was also mine. Everyone is different and I understand that since you did not own the property, you felt you had no say among other reasons.

 

In any case, be glad that you finally walked away. You don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

[Nyla]

You're a nag by annoying him with this nonsense. Leave him alone and be happy you have some place to sleep, where more and more people today are going homeless in this ridiculously difficult economy.

 

This guy saved your butt! Be grateful that any man cares about where you live instead of always looking for reasons to complain.

 

She might as well be living outside with how cold the place is.

[Nuala83]

Even before we were married and lived together, my husband's place was also mine. Everyone is different and I understand that since you did not own the property, you felt you had no say among other reasons.

 

In any case, be glad that you finally walked away. You don't deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

 

He has said that it's mine but his actions don't match his words. In many ways he's well intentioned but the immaturity unfortunately overrides. Sometimes I think men can be blind to what we consider 'disrespect' which is why I've only left the flat and not him. Right now I'm just focused on finding somewhere new to live so I don't encroach on my mums space. I am glad I walked.

[sb129]

You're right, it's not ok for him to treat me this way. I'm partly to blame though for putting up with it. You teach people how to treat you and I've taught him that no matter how bone idle he is, I'll stick around and put up with it. I've definitely been too passive...

 

Well yes, and its good you recognise that, but his behaviour is still the key problem, not your response to it.

[Nuala83]

Thank you

[Els]

Oh I agree with all of that completely. About 6 months ago when his dad (who bought him the house) came to visit, he walked into the room, shook his head and asked "Are you trying to set some sort of record here?" That's when he offered to take care of the work and cover the cost. He shouldn't have even had to offer. Again, if that was me I'd be embarrassed by the offer and it would spur me into action.

 

In a lot of ways my bf has been spoiled and I think he's so used to people doing things for him that when he has to do things for himself, he can't be bothered.

 

Yep. Very right there. I can see the reason for his immaturity already - if he leaves it off long enough, daddy will just do all of it.

 

I'm very glad you put your foot down and moved out. Inviting someone to move in with him and then showing zero consideration for her living conditions just because he can put up with them as a bachelor, sounds more like a teenager than a 30-yo man. Most 20 yo dudes I know are more mature than that.

[Els]

You're a nag by annoying him with this nonsense. Leave him alone and be happy you have some place to sleep, where more and more people today are going homeless in this ridiculously difficult economy.

 

This guy saved your butt! Be grateful that any man cares about where you live instead of always looking for reasons to complain.

 

Yeah, except you missed the part that the OP wasn't homeless or poor, and his offer to move in wasn't exactly done with charity in mind.

 

Nice advice, though, her bf can always quote your words to the homeless dude he brings in from the park to live with him, if aforementioned dude complains about the bedroom.

[Nuala83]

Yeah, except you missed the part that the OP wasn't homeless or poor, and his offer to move in wasn't exactly done with charity in mind.

 

Nice advice, though, her bf can always quote your words to the homeless dude he brings in from the park to live with him, if aforementioned dude complains about the bedroom.

 

Haha! Yes, I don't think he even read the thread! He just glanced at the title, called me a nag, made up some bizarre crap about my boyfriend "saving my but" (I rarely laugh out loud but that made me spit out my coffee) then told me that I should just be grateful not to be homeless!! I don't remember mentioning homelessness anywhere in my first post :-D Well you know what, after reading his response, I am grateful. Grateful that for all the flaws my boyfriend has, at least he's not that guy!

 

I think it's quite telling that he didn't have any response to what I had to say either ;-)

[Nuala83]

Well I had a long talk with my bf this morning and it's really cleared the air between us. He admitted that the reason he didn't do the room was just laziness but he didn't like to admit that to me. He also apologised for his response when I told him I was moving out and I apologised for my share of the fights (there was a lot of apologising). He reiterated that he doesn't mind the room the way it is and that's just how he is but he realised it was unfair to expect me to live that way. He said he understands me not wanting to stay there anymore and he promised that he'd get the room done.

 

He then invited me over in a couple of days for a home cooked meal which I though was such a lovely kind gesture, especially since he's not much of a cook but I know he tries for me. Now I don't know if his promise to do the room will materialise or not so this issue isn't exactly settled. But having that talk was good and I'm hoping he's good for his word. If not...I don't know. I can't move back in until it's done or getting done and he understands that (although he did ask me to move back). We also talked about the FB thing and he explained his completely valid reasons for not putting us up. I didn't feel like he was making excuses and his reasons were in fact good reasons!

 

Anyway, it's not all sorted yet but I'm still hopeful. And I still think that flaws aside, he has a lot of great qualities. Let's just see how things go.

[Els]

I think you should be very careful with this. Give him time to carry out his words and prove that he really wants to change, not just lip service. Don't move back in til the room is done. Not just getting done - done.

[Nuala83]

I think you should be very careful with this. Give him time to carry out his words and prove that he really wants to change, not just lip service. Don't move back in til the room is done. Not just getting done - done.

 

I wont. I wont be able to anyway because with painting and stuff getting done, there quite literally wont be any room for me to move anything of mine back in. As it is, he'll probably have to store some of his belongings elsewhere or pile up cardboard boxes around the mattress in the living room.....like a weird little fort. I'll be staying put for now.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

I will take it for granted, you have actually told him it is important to you to have a bedroom.

 

So, him not doing it probably means something more than simply, that he has not gotten around to it.

 

What I mean is, he may have a problem with his parents or authority that means he takes any suggestion as to what to do as something to resent, and thus ignore.

 

Very common trait in a young man. Had it myself at one point. Still stupid.

 

The stuff about not wanting you to do it either, but to be some sort of cuckoo in the nest about it - not doing it but not letting you do it either, - is just plain immature and controlling. If indeed that is how it is.

 

Leaving to be with your ma sounds about right. I'd think twice about moving back in either. And don't be a f**k buddy for him either.

 

If you want the pretty bird, you build the nest. He evidently doesn't want you that much. So fly.

Edited March 19, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[Nuala83]

 

What I mean is, he may have a problem with his parents or authority that means he takes any suggestion as to what to do as something to resent, and thus ignore.

 

Very common trait in a young man. Had it myself at one point. Still stupid.

 

The stuff about not wanting you to do it either, but to be some sort of cuckoo in the nest about it - not doing it but not letting you do it either, - is just plain immature and controlling. If indeed that is how it is.

 

He has admitted to me that he has a problem with authority and that he can be very immature. However the fact that he admits his faults and feels bad about them makes all this a little less bad for me. With this issue yes you're right he is being controlling, but in general he's not a controlling boyfriend at all. I've talked to other people about this and they all use the same word. Immature. I can't argue with that. He has kind of a "No one tells me what to do" attitude which is off-putting considering the fact he's 31 and not 17.

 

However, he certainly doesn't treat me like a f*** buddy. This issue aside, he's very kind to me. He's nice to my friends, he always asks me around his friends and family, he's works hard at his job, he's generous, compassionate, reliable and trustworthy (except with DIY it seems) and he makes me feel beautiful. I meant it when I said there's a lot of traits in him that I look for in a partner. And in the past he's gone out of his way to please me when I've told him there was something I wanted/needed from him. There's also some bad traits too and yeah, they put doubts in my mind at times. But nobody's perfect.

 

This is a really annoying issue but I've put things into perspective and it doesn't warrant a break up. When I think of some of the stories other women have to share about their partners I shudder...The more I see what else is out there, the more I love him.

[Els]

FWIW, I agree you should give him the chance to fix this if he wants to, before going the 'dump!' route. Fixing something big like that is a huge step, and if he really does it, it shows that he's willing to admit to being wrong, change and compromise - and that's a BIG plus in a partner.

[Sparty97]

Something can't get fixed if you never start. The demo is the easy part. I would set due dates with him, it sounds as if he needs the structure. Walls repaired by this date, floors done by this date, etc. Have him hire/ask friends for help, etc. make a party of it. Beer and pizza (at the end of the work day), etc.

 

Be careful though, this is likely a sign of future behavior.

[anna121]

I would say, cautiously, that this is good news. But agree with everyone else that the proof is in the pudding.

 

I hope things work out.

[pteromom]

He has admitted to me that he has a problem with authority and that he can be very immature. However the fact that he admits his faults and feels bad about them makes all this a little less bad for me.

 

It only makes it less bad if the admission of faults and feeling bad actually leads to CHANGE.

[diipii]

You must not make yourself a doormat.