BF cheated and has new baby on the way

[Starbuck Queen]

My fiancee/boyfriend of 3 1/2 yers cheated on me and the girl he cheated with is now pregnant. Here's the whole story. I have a very demanding job (work 10-12 hours a day) and we have a 6mo daughter. I admit that I neglected my bf sexually and emotionally. We became pregnant again and decided to have an abortion b/c we don't have money or time for another baby. While I was stressing over the abortion, my job and the baby. My bf began talking to an old friend who is also have issues with the father of her two kids. He is leaving her and her kids. I guess they connected. After I had the abortion, he told me that he did not want to be together. I begged him to try and work it out, but he refused. He went to stay with this friend for a weekend and she got pregnant.

 

Well, now we are back to together and he says he wants to be with me. But I am having a hard time believing it b/c of all that went down. And this girl is going to be in his life forever b/c of the baby. He says that he will not tell his family about the baby and that he won;t see her or the bay that often. But I know that we won't be able to keep this a secret for long.

 

I feel betrayed and angry. I gave up my baby and she gets to keep hers. Either way I am screwed. I can stay with him and wonder if he is sleeping with her when he sees the baby. Not to mention the flack I will get from my family when they find out. Or I can leave him and be alone. My daughter will be without her daddy and I will be without the only man I have loved or made love to.

 

Any advise please!!

[Merin]

Oh honey!

 

Listen, your boyfriend obviously has no honor at all!

 

Regardless if you have a demanding job or a lot on your plate that isn't an excuse for your boyfriends behaviour period.

 

He knew what he was doing when he was messing around with this other girl and he for real knows what causes babies you know? He chose to be irresponsible and now not only is he not accepting the responsibility of his actions with her and his new baby on the way, he is asking you to be okay with it and make it okay for him.

 

You and he are always going to be joined because you share a child, and I understand that you are afraid to leave, but please think about the life you are walking into with this guy if you choose to stay with him.

 

There isn't any trust there, and he has no honor to do the right thing for ANYONE but HIMSELF. It's all about covering his own ass.

 

Talk to your family or friends and get some support.

[She's Come Undone]

One weekend together?

 

I would wonder if she wasn't already pregnant when he slept with her.

 

Either way, you can find better for yourself and your baby. 6mo baby and pregnant again? Please see about birth control, at least until you make a decision or whether to stay with this man.

[Starbuck Queen]

Thanks for your quick replies.

 

I am trying to understand my bf b/c I love him and he is the only love I've known. We talked about the incident yesterday. He all but blamed me for what happened b/c I neglected him. I admit I was wrong for putting him last, but succeding at my job and taking care of our daughter consumed my life. I did neglect our relationship and I tried to make it right before he left, but he had made his mind up. I knew that something would happen if he left for the weekend, but he left anyway. He told me that he wanted to be with someone who wanted and needed him. I don't want him to seem like a bad person, he is a good father to our little girl. But this girl and the distrust are making it hard for me to forgive and forget. He doesn't consider that he was cheating because he told me before he left that he did not consider me his gf. That hurt a lot. I want to belive that he loves me, but all the hurt always creeps in.

 

I am ashamed to tell my family and friends what is going on. I feel so stupid because if I were talking with someone else in this position I would tell the girl to leave the guy. But is is so different when the shoe is on the other foot.

 

And yes, I am getting back on birth control. I could not go through another abortion. And everyday I feel guilty about the baby I lost.

[Merin]

You feel ashamed to tell your family because in your heart, you know this isn't okay. You know that they are going to tell you the same thing you would tell anyone of them, to leave him.

 

I know you are so scared right now, the known is sometimes less scary than the unknown.

 

Do you see how your boyfriend is making YOU repsonsible for HIS behaviour here? This isn't your fault period. I'm willing to bet if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you who had become pregnant with someone else your boyfriend would have considered that cheating and found it impossible to forgive or forget.

 

Now he blames you for his actions, he puts all the responsibility of the other girl getting pregnant on her and on you, and none of it on himself. Still trying to cover his own ass.

 

I cannot say if he is a good dad, I hope for your daughters sake he is, however this doesn't make him a good MAN, see what i'm saying? His being a father to your daughter does not require YOU to stay with him nor does it give him a free pass to mess with your mind.

 

I feel badly for you, your daughter and the unborn child the other girl is now carrying. Seems the only person who shares none of the responsibility in this mess is the one who created it to begin with.

[morrigan]

You can remember how you loved this man, how you share a beautiful daughter with him. Maybe he will be mature enough to be a good father, emotionally and financially. But I don't know if I would stay with someone who can't take accountability for their own choices.

 

How can he say he can just ignore this other child? He legally will be financially obligated to this child for 18 years---if you stay with him, you will always have a painful reminder of his affair and the child you may have had. Do you feel that your love for this man can overcome that?

 

You've been through a pretty rough time, I think that you should talk to a family member or friend about what has happened. You need some support, and I don't think you are going to get it from this man. Whether you decide to end your relationship with him or not, I wish the best.

[young&idealistic]

I know that this isn't a cut and dry situation because nothing is simple when a child is involved. If you were making the choice for only you, it would be obvious what you should do. What also complicates things is that, as much as you are hurt, you understand what happened and how he feels. Because you recognize and accept your contribution towards the relationship's problems, it's difficult for you to walk away feeling like you're doing the right thing. In your mind, it probably makes sense to try to understand and forgive, for the sake of your love for each other and for your child.

 

I mention all of that for the purpose of reminding you that you are not weak for being undecided. You mentioned that you would tell someone in your circumstances to leave, and I just want you to know that it's ok that it's not easy for you. However...

 

Please keep in mind that just because you can recognize mistakes you've made, that doesn't mean his actions weren't also mistakes--and his came with much larger consequences. A man does not get a weekend pass to have unprotected sex with a female friend because he tells you as he's walking out the door that he no longer considers you, the mother of his baby daughter, his girlfriend. Whether he admits it or not, he knows he messed up.

 

As long as you can understand that you both made mistakes, it probably won't get you any further to analyze the distribution of blame. At this point, you have to decide what to do. You are stuck in a situation, and pointing fingers won't get you far.

 

As you know, this other woman's baby will be part of your boyfriend's life for at least 18 years. I feel sorry for that child if your boyfriend does as he promised and ignores the baby whenever possible. How will this child affect your life and the life of your daughter?

 

Every time you see that child, will you resent that your boyfriend caused that woman's baby to be born, but you gave yours up for him?

 

Every time he visits his child at HER house, will you feel sick to your stomach with worry and doubt and resentment?

 

Will your relationship with your boyfriend be so unpeaceful that your daughter grows up hearing you fight?

 

I encourage you to do whatever you can to maintain the most respectful and responsible relationship that you can with your daughter's father. He sounds like he is probably a great dad, and it might just be that ending the relationship on somewhat peaceful ground will give your little girl the best shot at a happy relationship with both parents. It would be much worse to try to stick it out and have her deal with the fighting.

 

Well, I'm really sorry for how long this was. I hope it helps.

[Starbuck Queen]

thanks for the replies. this is the first time I've spoken with someone other than him about it.

 

I think deep down I know what you guys are saying is true. It is just so hard to come to the reliazation that this copuld end our relationship. He is my first real boyfriend and the first man I made love to. Maybe I'm idealistic, but I imagined that I would only have 1 lover my entire life. I felt this was for keeps.

 

I hate to think it but you maybe right. If we continue to argue back and forth about this incident we may not even be friends. And that would hurt my daughter soo much. But I don't want this other kid to be hurt either. Every child needs a father. But I hate to think that this child could be his first son. I wanted to have his first son. I know that sounds stupid but these things keep me up at night.

 

Anyway, what are some guys view on this? Was he cheatiung if he broke up with me, but I did not consider us broken up. Should I believe this was a one time thing?