What women want!!

[Koekie]

Right guys and girls Ive noticed quite a few men on here who really seems LOST and feel that women are basically unreasonable cows and that they(men) really will never be able to keep them happy.

 

Well, I reckon us girls can tell you exactly what we want. So come on ladies put what you need as a woman down here, and let make it clear.

 

1: EMOTIONAL SECURITY

Now I know some guys are thinking “WHAT is that and can I eat it” Its quite simple. Women want to feel as if they are emotionally safe in your company and that we can go to you for our emotional needs. Example:

 

The BIGGEST thing we need I feel, is validation. In other words if I'm terribly upset about something and I try to tell him and he starts defending (regardless of how nice Im trying to be) and telling me I shouldnt feel that way, IT P***** ME OFF SO MUCH THAT I COULD LEAVE AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.

 

Because then he is basically saying, I'm stupid or wrong to feel what I'm feeling. So I am in no way safe to discuss whats bugging me and I will not be receiving emotional support from him. So how do I feel secure then? Well, I dont. And thats the problem.

 

If a woman says she feels so neglected by you (and yes we do use the words always en never even if theyr not aplicable, because we are trying to convey just how serious we feel about this and at that point in time we really do feel as if its the end of the world for us) and you say "awwwww sorry you feel that way honey, come here let me hold you, whats up, what can we do" Well probably forget what we were upset about in the first place and think your the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Do you have any idea how few men can do that??

 

It usually goes like this:

 

"I really feel like you never have any time for me and that you always neglect me"

 

He: "Thats not true the other week I did this or that, how can you say that? You never appreciate what I do, what do you expect me to do, stop working bla bla bla"

(At which point most women have already gone from needing a bit of love and understanding to vaporising you right there)

Now theres really nothing you can say that will be right after that because all we will be feeling is that you are an unsupportive, unempathetic selfish jerk, because why the hell do you think were even telling you in the first place? So you can tell us not to feel like that? Well no, that has made a little problem into a ginormous problem.

 

If you did the "aawwwww come here let me hold you thing" you would have ended up the most awesome man in the universe to us and gotten some serious admiration and love.

 

So lets see how many men will take up that challenge, try this one, and let us know how magic happened for you, because it will. Just beware if its the first time you do it, she will probably start crying so badly it might seem like its the end of the world, because all the times she wasnt safe to bring out her feelings will be surfacing to get love and understanding. So at first it will seem like a tornado, but watch and see how you become her hero.

Edited March 16, 2013 by Koekie

[TaraMaiden]

All ANYONE needs is to be understood, appreciated and Loved.

 

Sadly, with sex being so freely available, and so high on everyone's agenda, it seems, Love tends to take a secondary place - and people now have difficulty recognising it when it appears.... if it truly appears at all....

[waterwoman]

koekie - I agree. Just hold me and make me feel safe and supported. It isn't as if I am always in need of it, just sometimes.

[Esoteric Elf]

All ANYONE needs is to be understood, appreciated and Loved.

Not necessarily...then again, I am not a girl.

[Els]

 

"I really feel like you never have any time for me and that you always neglect me"

 

He: "Thats not true the other week I did this or that, how can you say that? You never appreciate what I do, what do you expect me to do, stop working bla bla bla"

 

I agree with your basic premise, but this right here is just an example of poor conflict resolution on BOTH sides, not anything related to men or women or even emotional security.

 

Let's turn the example around a bit. Say you're a little busy and putting on some extra pounds, you're hitting the gym maybe once a week but you know you can do better, you're not dressing up as much as you used to but you still do put in the effort once in a while.

 

Then your H comes up to you and says, "I really feel like you never put in any effort anymore and you're happy to just schlep around in sweatshirts all the time."

 

What would your reaction be? I'm guessing a mirror image of the reaction you posted above. ANYone, perhaps barring Buddha, when approached with such a statement, would react defensively. Because chances are that really is not true, and your blanket statement would leave him focusing on the fact that it isn't TRUE and seeing you as an accuser, rather than wanting to work through the problem with you.

 

I know that's way easier said than done, especially when it's become a constant issue, but that is just not the way to address an issue if you want to deal with it productively.

 

And yes, I'm a woman. Yes, I do value emotional security; but I definitely don't think that is something you get by going around throwing out accusatory blanket statements towards the man you love.

[Koekie]

I agree with your basic premise, but this right here is just an example of poor conflict resolution on BOTH sides, not anything related to men or women or even emotional security.

 

Let's turn the example around a bit. Say you're a little busy and putting on some extra pounds, you're hitting the gym maybe once a week but you know you can do better, you're not dressing up as much as you used to but you still do put in the effort once in a while.

 

Then your H comes up to you and says, "I really feel like you never put in any effort anymore and you're happy to just schlep around in sweatshirts all the time."

 

What would your reaction be? I'm guessing a mirror image of the reaction you posted above. ANYone, perhaps barring Buddha, when approached with such a statement, would react defensively. Because chances are that really is not true, and your blanket statement would leave him focusing on the fact that it isn't TRUE and seeing you as an accuser, rather than wanting to work through the problem with you.

 

I know that's way easier said than done, especially when it's become a constant issue, but that is just not the way to address an issue if you want to deal with it productively.

 

And yes, I'm a woman. Yes, I do value emotional security; but I definitely don't think that is something you get by going around throwing out accusatory blanket statements towards the man you love.

 

Probably not such a good example. But in my experience women tend to want to talk it over rather than just find a solution ASAP. Thats my point.

[Els]

Probably not such a good example. But in my experience women tend to want to talk it over rather than just find a solution ASAP. Thats my point.

 

Ah, okay, I agree with that. Do you feel that men are obligated to do things 'our way' as opposed to reaching a compromise though?

[analystfromhell]

From my experience, my way or the highway accusations and blanket statements happen when a person is either:

 

a) really, really exasperated by things outside the relationship and sees the relationship as a safe place to blow off steam but has overdone this stress release to the point where the other partner is becoming offended.

 

b) a sign that, if a isn't true, then the person making the blanket statement wants to gradually push the other person away and reduce the commitment level of the relationship.

 

If it happens once in a great while, hopefully the couple's better instincts will take over from a) and the situation will recover. If it happens regularly, perhaps the couple should discuss if b) holds.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP, I'm killing myself laughing here.

 

You see, I've just tried to explain to another poster my opinion of what women want. ""independence, health, attractiveness, wealth, strength of character, education and level of culture, intelligence (raw and emotional) and so on. The mix is different for everyone. But you have to bring something to the table beyond being friendly, to be marriage material.

 

I see I missed out talking to your woman like you would talk to a horse. It's actually just the tone that matters - there there, ah dear, oh well, how awful, pat pat.

 

Like most men I have fallen into the trap of wanting to fix a problem only to be blindsided by anger at my lack of perceptiveness - what was wanted from me was not my judgement and problem solving capabilities, or indeed anything else, but solely my ability to talk to a horse

 

The gender divide, beautifully crystallized. It drives you all nuts that we can't feed your insatiable need for emotional validation. It drives us all nuts that you....well perhaps we can call it a day there ladies.

 

One last thing, the tone of the OPs post - nagging, much?

Edited March 19, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[TiredFamilyGuy]

All ANYONE needs is to be understood, appreciated and Loved. .

 

In which case TaraMaiden, I would like to connect you with someone who is free of other distractions and can focus on your emotional needs:

 

already-my-30s-have-no-career-how-will-i-meet-girl-marriage

[Koekie]

OP, I'm killing myself laughing here.

 

You see, I've just tried to explain to another poster my opinion of what women want. ""independence, health, attractiveness, wealth, strength of character, education and level of culture, intelligence (raw and emotional) and so on. The mix is different for everyone. But you have to bring something to the table beyond being friendly, to be marriage material.

 

I see I missed out talking to your woman like you would talk to a horse. It's actually just the tone that matters - there there, ah dear, oh well, how awful, pat pat.

 

Like most men I have fallen into the trap of wanting to fix a problem only to be blindsided by anger at my lack of perceptiveness - what was wanted from me was not my judgement and problem solving capabilities, or indeed anything else, but solely my ability to talk to a horse

 

The gender divide, beautifully crystallized. It drives you all nuts that we can't feed your insatiable need for emotional validation. It drives us all nuts that you....well perhaps we can call it a day there ladies.

 

One last thing, the tone of the OPs post - nagging, much?

 

Im assuming OP would be me? Sorry hon, no nagging, just trying to make it idiot proof to those who are a bit emotionally stunted

 

If you came to me with the attitude of talking to me like a horse you'd go home with a limp and stitches

[Koekie]

Ah, okay, I agree with that. Do you feel that men are obligated to do things 'our way' as opposed to reaching a compromise though?

 

No not really. I try to not use exagerated words and such, Im also not a very demanding, over emotional person. I have a lot on my plate but I dont ask for much. My husband still gets aggitated and irritated when I cry and talk too much when Im upset (not even with him) Ill try saying Im so upset because this or that. Then he will start telling me why it isnt that bad at all and I shouldnt think that or that (can you see the argument coming?)

Then you end up going to a friend with your problems rather than your husband.

 

And the big devide begins.

 

I have a lot of female friends who feel the same sadly.

[Sparty97]

So if I don't listen to your problems and hug it out I am being emotionally abusive? Jesus...

 

Try this on for size, I don't want to talk about every little thing, or every little slight you feel like you have had in your day. If you insist on talking to me about them is it you who is being emotionally abusive to me?

 

Men are solvers...you have probably figured that out by now. If after X number of years you continue to go to your husband with problems and not wanting to hear his solutions, but rather you only want his unquestioning support, don't be surprised when he stops listening.

 

My wife does this same thing. She comes to me with a problem, I give advice and she promptly ignores it. Later she gets the same advice from someone else and follows it and says "gash what great advice"...

 

I now don't bother listening and she wonders why.

[Sparty97]

Maybe, and this is just a guess, her friend doesn't give the advice in the form of "Well I've already told you....." or "If you didn't (insert anything here) then this wouldn't keep happening" or start with "I don't know why..."

 

Maybe it was from someone who did the following (in order):

 

Listened

Empathized

Provided suggestions on dealing with the problem

 

When we started out I would have given the advice exactly as you posted. 16 years later (after not being listened to for 16 yrs) she's lucky I even respond. I still don't say it like you assume I do, but I also know enough not to waste too much of my time on it because I know my advice will simply be ignored.

[Koekie]

So if I don't listen to your problems and hug it out I am being emotionally abusive? Jesus...

 

Try this on for size, I don't want to talk about every little thing, or every little slight you feel like you have had in your day. If you insist on talking to me about them is it you who is being emotionally abusive to me?

 

Men are solvers...you have probably figured that out by now. If after X number of years you continue to go to your husband with problems and not wanting to hear his solutions, but rather you only want his unquestioning support, don't be surprised when he stops listening.

 

My wife does this same thing. She comes to me with a problem, I give advice and she promptly ignores it. Later she gets the same advice from someone else and follows it and says "gash what great advice"...

 

I now don't bother listening and she wonders why.

 

Who said anything about emotional abuse?

 

So if you dont get an ego boost out of your talking and listening to your wife's problems your not interested?

[Sparty97]

It's got nothing to do with an ego boost. It's about only being a set of ears...Sorry, I have more to offer.

[Koekie]

It's got nothing to do with an ego boost. It's about only being a set of ears...Sorry, I have more to offer.

 

Yeah. Good luck with that.

[Sparty97]

Yeah. Good luck with that.

 

 

You aren't supporting my emotional needs with your response. I believe you are being verbally/emotionally abusive to me.

[Koekie]

You aren't supporting my emotional needs with your response. I believe you are being verbally/emotionally abusive to me.

 

If I was in a relationship with you, then yes.

 

But thank God Im not. So there there, nothing to fear.

[Els]

No not really. I try to not use exagerated words and such, Im also not a very demanding, over emotional person. I have a lot on my plate but I dont ask for much. My husband still gets aggitated and irritated when I cry and talk too much when Im upset (not even with him) Ill try saying Im so upset because this or that. Then he will start telling me why it isnt that bad at all and I shouldnt think that or that (can you see the argument coming?)

Then you end up going to a friend with your problems rather than your husband.

 

And the big devide begins.

 

I have a lot of female friends who feel the same sadly.

 

Koekie, I just read your recent post and I know you're going through a lot of hurt right now, which is very understandable.

 

I'm not saying that what your husband did was right. It certainly sounds, based on your other posts, that he was a bit of a first-class a-hole.

 

All I'm saying is that in general, I feel men and women need to compromise to find middle ground in their communication styles, as opposed to expecting things to be done their way.

[Koekie]

Koekie, I just read your recent post and I know you're going through a lot of hurt right now, which is very understandable.

 

I'm not saying that what your husband did was right. It certainly sounds, based on your other posts, that he was a bit of a first-class a-hole.

 

All I'm saying is that in general, I feel men and women need to compromise to find middle ground in their communication styles, as opposed to expecting things to be done their way.

 

I hear you. Im nothing if not diplomatic and resourceful. My very first attempts at trying to speak to my husband was done respectfully and nicely. They were never met half way and it always ended in him dodging it and when he couldnt dodge he would try to sound aggressive to put me off discussing it.

 

I dont want to sound arrogant but I have been a good wife. I have supported him in so many ways. I believe in cooking lovely meals for him even though I also work, loving him in many different ways, and I was always available for his physical needs and I always enjoyed it and made sure he knew how much he is desired. Im not jealous, interfering nor do I push him to talk when he needs space or is figuring something out for himself. I let him enjoy spending his money on expensive toys, I support his every hobby. I always say thank you when he does something, however small, for me.

[BetheButterfly]

All ANYONE needs is to be understood, appreciated and Loved.

 

So true!

 

Sadly, with sex being so freely available, and so high on everyone's agenda, it seems, Love tends to take a secondary place - and people now have difficulty recognising it when it appears.... if it truly appears at all....

 

Sad but true. Very important point.

[musemaj11]

What do women really want?

 

1. Money

2. Money

3. Money

4. Everything else

[LeGenDary_Man]

Right guys and girls Ive noticed quite a few men on here who really seems LOST and feel that women are basically unreasonable cows and that they(men) really will never be able to keep them happy.

 

Well, I reckon us girls can tell you exactly what we want. So come on ladies put what you need as a woman down here, and let make it clear.

 

1: EMOTIONAL SECURITY

Now I know some guys are thinking “WHAT is that and can I eat it” Its quite simple. Women want to feel as if they are emotionally safe in your company and that we can go to you for our emotional needs. Example:

 

The BIGGEST thing we need I feel, is validation. In other words if I'm terribly upset about something and I try to tell him and he starts defending (regardless of how nice Im trying to be) and telling me I shouldnt feel that way, IT P***** ME OFF SO MUCH THAT I COULD LEAVE AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN.

 

Because then he is basically saying, I'm stupid or wrong to feel what I'm feeling. So I am in no way safe to discuss whats bugging me and I will not be receiving emotional support from him. So how do I feel secure then? Well, I dont. And thats the problem.

 

If a woman says she feels so neglected by you (and yes we do use the words always en never even if theyr not aplicable, because we are trying to convey just how serious we feel about this and at that point in time we really do feel as if its the end of the world for us) and you say "awwwww sorry you feel that way honey, come here let me hold you, whats up, what can we do" Well probably forget what we were upset about in the first place and think your the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Do you have any idea how few men can do that??

 

It usually goes like this:

 

"I really feel like you never have any time for me and that you always neglect me"

 

He: "Thats not true the other week I did this or that, how can you say that? You never appreciate what I do, what do you expect me to do, stop working bla bla bla"

(At which point most women have already gone from needing a bit of love and understanding to vaporising you right there)

Now theres really nothing you can say that will be right after that because all we will be feeling is that you are an unsupportive, unempathetic selfish jerk, because why the hell do you think were even telling you in the first place? So you can tell us not to feel like that? Well no, that has made a little problem into a ginormous problem.

 

If you did the "aawwwww come here let me hold you thing" you would have ended up the most awesome man in the universe to us and gotten some serious admiration and love.

 

So lets see how many men will take up that challenge, try this one, and let us know how magic happened for you, because it will. Just beware if its the first time you do it, she will probably start crying so badly it might seem like its the end of the world, because all the times she wasnt safe to bring out her feelings will be surfacing to get love and understanding. So at first it will seem like a tornado, but watch and see how you become her hero.

Thanks for the insight/tip; so you are trying to convey that if WOMEN are actually ever "WRONG" about something; they should never be LECTURED about it? What if the wife in question is TOO EMOTIONALLY DEMANDING and/or STUBBORN?

 

Now some advice from the opposite side of the fence; self-confidence is one of the most impressive human characteristics.

 

I would personally love a women who is faithful, honest and self-confident. I wouldn't be comfortable with a woman who is a habitual complaining machine. Reason is that I have my own share of stresses to take care of.

 

Women, in general, also appreciate characteristics such as faithfulness, honesty and self-confidence. They are also typically turned off by habitual complaints and insecurities. Correct me, if I am wrong here.

 

Yes, I would pay attention to the concerns of my significant other and I would comfort her when necessary.

 

However, here is a list of what men may typically expect from their partners:

 

1. Should not be stubborn

2. Should be appreciative of commitment (in all of its aspects); and not just the emotional aspect of it

3. Should be able to admit the fault in herself, when she is wrong

4. Should not be unnecessarily paranoid and/or feel insecure

 

Keep in mind that men typically handle conflicts in different manner then women. Psychological differences in both genders are REAL.

 

People who lack in self-confidence are much more likely to have low self-esteem and/or feel insecure and make bad decisions/judgments.

 

Nobody is perfect; this is why self-confidence is such an important trait.

Edited March 21, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Koekie, it may be that you are married to an insensitive self-centred guy. If so you have some sympathy from me. I won't repeat myself incessantly to say that - there it is.

 

Now, a lot of us guys have experienced being on the receiving side of a bit too much need for all kinds of support, have experienced a spouse who are (to quote LegendaryMan, "a habitual complaining machine." Put it another way, if the emotional needs just can't be reasonably met, and the crying/nagging/ faultfinding/ neurosis just goes on and on - well, we tune out.

 

Not saying that's what's happening with you. Your husband may just be a jerk. But your opening post was a self-awarded claim to "just what I want, just the way I want it" endless emotional support. Sounds wearing.

 

Good luck with the husband. I would offer some practical suggestions, advice. But I've got the point, you simply don't want that. You poor thing. There there. Sounds dreadful.

 

Have a sugar lump.

Edited March 22, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy