LadyGrey Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Agreed that my stance on marriage didn't make me become an AP - although, my stance on marriage allowed me to believe that he was being honest about the state of his marriage - and luckily, he was being honest about it. I took a risk, and it panned out - it could have went differently. The above, every time you say that or similar, it just boggles my mind since you yourself said he lied to you at the very beginning about being married. How can anything said after be given the benefit of the doubt, because to lie about marital status is such a huge lie? It is just foreign to me, your reasoning. Also you go on and on about their marriage and the dysfunction, but yet you separate yours and his relationship from it, so how can you not be part of that dysfunction and/or enable it? It just does not compute for me. Raindown, very interesting perspective. I agree with much of it, although I find your detachment and lack of emotion odd. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I had a wonderful marriage which I treasured, then lost him to Alzheimer's disease. With xMM marriage was never my goal. All I wanted was an exclusive relationhip with him, but it could never happen. At 65 I would never consider marriage again. The thought of remarrying and adjusting to another person in my space would be intolerable. It would make me miserable. Cat Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 When day breaks here we are off to our marriage preparation day. It's totally voluntary, and non-religious. We don't need to do it, unlike some people being married in church, because our wedding is a humanist one. We also have a good pre-nup and robust wills whereby I leave everything I have amassed up to today to my son. I am extremely earnest about going in to this marriage, however, I feel strongly that the guise of marriage will continue to change and I think that can only be a good thing. I believe that a more personalised marriage with self-imposed vows and home-written text is a great way to focus the mind and not for the faint of heart. This process (marriage prep day, writing our entire ceremony end to end etc) is simply formalising the relationship for us, but we couldn't enter in to these things if we weren't 100% sure about each other and where we're headed. That means marriage is not the goal, for us, it's a part of having this great relationship and it worries me when I see couples, mainly young couples, shooting for the wedding without really having taken time to understand their relationship and being sure that it's what they want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Alzheimer's, Catplates? I'm so sorry to hear that. It is a terrible disease. That must have been so very painful and hard for both of you. Marriage. I never wanted to get married. Maybe cause from the age of awareness I saw my parents' marriage certainly wasn't perfect and they weren't always happy. Maybe from the age of 18 I felt I was gay so couldn't legally get married or feel I could be open about my relationship status. So I just never expected to ever get married. I don't know whether it was the fact my ex-MM was a MAN and so I was thinking, "WOW, suddenly we're "acceptable" (except obviously SO NOT because of the affair thing AND the 27 year age gap as well, not that I care what people think about THAT), so we can actually get MARRIED! What a novelty!" But I REALLY wanted to get married to him. We both did. We wanted to be married soon after we met and finally got together in person (back when this was our eventual plan). I also don't know whether my sudden intense desire to be married to him was because I never had the chance to feel he was truly all MINE, because obviously he wasn't. So...was it like me going "He's MINE now! ALL MINE! We MUST be married so everyone knows!" Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 No, I don't see marriage as a worthwhile goal. I have been married... did ten years of it... two great kids, and eleven years after we ended the exH and I are actually getting along better than we ever did. LOL it took a divorce and a decade for us to actually be civil to each other. A worthwhile goal is to be in a relationship that is authentic, caring, loving and considerate. Communication and dedication. And if that cannot be attained then I think its not worth having. I think that marriage can make people lazy in their relationships, it changes expectations and there is a certain amount of "you are my spouse, you owe me". I do not intend to marry again. It simply isn't necessary, its been ticked off on my personal bucket list. Having said that, I have good friends who appear to be in wonderful marriages. But who really knows? I have also known couples who appeared to have it all, and suddenly split. But... you can never say never. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 WakingUp, you're on the east coast of Australia? Me too! I used to be in Melbourne, now I'm on the Gold Coast. Where are you, my fellow Aussie? Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 WakingUp, you're on the east coast of Australia? Me too! I used to be in Melbourne, now I'm on the Gold Coast. Where are you, my fellow Aussie? I'm joining the Aussie club. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Ah ha... Stevie Im in the harbour city. . I like the gold coast, took the kids to meet the penguins at sea world last year. In the ice enclosure. Oh and meet the seals. Did the dolphin swim a few years ago too. And I am a sailor... Southport Bar is a challenge, and the inland waterway up there is a great sail too. Beware the mozzies though Although its been a pretty dodgy summer... at least there haven't been a lot of bushfires this year.... however there was a week there when the weather went from beach, to cyclone, to floods, to bushfires... But I digress... Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I wanted the whole marriage and big family thing. I wanted a happily ever after with my handsome prince and all of our princelings and princesslings. I got all of it but the happily ever after. My xHP (handsome prince) cheated on me and showed me that trappings of M don't made a good R. My D and I were out having some quality time together the other night. We talked about a friend of hers getting M in June. The wedding is turning into its own lifeform at the minute. It took some explaining but I finally managed to show my D how unimportant the wedding is. That it's the M that's important. It was almost as if she couldn't see the difference. Like if her friends were getting M it was a given that their whole lives were safe and secure. This coming from an educated young woman who came from a divorced home. How did those thoughts form? I didn't tell her this but I don't value traditional M, for me, anymore. It's like a glass container made to look like steel. It should be strong and protective but in all actuality it's fragile and can cause harm if handled improperly. DMM wants to get M again and I'll do it from respect for him but I've told him it's not going to be traditional vows. We'll do what SG is doing and create our own version of what we want M to be. He's ok with that. We have a long way to go before that happens but we've spent the 3 or so weeks really struggling and we finally are letting ourselves look to the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I wanted the whole marriage and big family thing. I wanted a happily ever after with my handsome prince and all of our princelings and princesslings. I got all of it but the happily ever after. My xHP (handsome prince) cheated on me and showed me that trappings of M don't made a good R. My D and I were out having some quality time together the other night. We talked about a friend of hers getting M in June. The wedding is turning into its own lifeform at the minute. It took some explaining but I finally managed to show my D how unimportant the wedding is. That it's the M that's important. It was almost as if she couldn't see the difference. Like if her friends were getting M it was a given that their whole lives were safe and secure. This coming from an educated young woman who came from a divorced home. How did those thoughts form? I didn't tell her this but I don't value traditional M, for me, anymore. It's like a glass container made to look like steel. It should be strong and protective but in all actuality it's fragile and can cause harm if handled improperly. DMM wants to get M again and I'll do it from respect for him but I've told him it's not going to be traditional vows. We'll do what SG is doing and create our own version of what we want M to be. He's ok with that. We have a long way to go before that happens but we've spent the 3 or so weeks really struggling and we finally are letting ourselves look to the future. So glad to hear that you guys are on the upswing now! Look to the future - you've both earned it. And I am in total agreement - no church or legal marriage for me, and if so, a whole lot of changes to be made to the general structure. Not only for the mental health of both of us - but also for the health of the relationship. Neither men or women are property, and shouldn't be viewed as such - so the whole traditional structure needs to be changed to create healthy relationships, imo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 For me marriage would be a big deal. I would love to do it...but I have so many idealistic ideas about relationships and would like mine to be "perfect" so...maybe I need to calm down a little bit, step back and consider that it will never be a fairytale Fabulous, rewarding, enriching...hard work...but not all fairytale. For myself, my parents were not married. I don't think they were bothered about it but for me...I want to be. Especially before I have any children with someone. I look at people who are married and think they must be so happy. Everything must be great. The people are not lonely and are so lucky not to be single. The wives must be so pretty/perfect/amazing. The husbands must be the best men in the world...lol don't laugh, I read a LOT of chick lit. I guess I thought it was never happening to me because I thought I was never good enough but I am slowly becoming more hopeful. I certainly know its not all it appears to be and that I should stop making so many assumptions about people's relationships. At least I know what I would not like it to be if I were to take the plunge...but I will be sure to use this great resource here on Loveshack for all my future love/marriage/relationship advice from current/ex/future wives who are members 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 For me marriage would be a big deal. I would love to do it...but I have so many idealistic ideas about relationships and would like mine to be "perfect" so...maybe I need to calm down a little bit, step back and consider that it will never be a fairytale Fabulous, rewarding, enriching...hard work...but not all fairytale. For myself, my parents were not married. I don't think they were bothered about it but for me...I want to be. Especially before I have any children with someone. I look at people who are married and think they must be so happy. Everything must be great. The people are not lonely and are so lucky not to be single. The wives must be so pretty/perfect/amazing. The husbands must be the best men in the world...lol don't laugh, I read a LOT of chick lit. I guess I thought it was never happening to me because I thought I was never good enough but I am slowly becoming more hopeful. I certainly know its not all it appears to be and that I should stop making so many assumptions about people's relationships. At least I know what I would not like it to be if I were to take the plunge...but I will be sure to use this great resource here on Loveshack for all my future love/marriage/relationship advice from current/ex/future wives who are members This is interesting to me - I have never felt "lonely" when single - and I have thoroughly enjoyed my single time in life, so your take on it is very different from mine. I have had so many women ask me how I can live alone - and that always blows my mind - that they can't even fathom that, bc I enjoy it tremendously for so many reasons. I guess this one is hard for people who have never been on their own, especially women maybe? Interesting... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 This is interesting to me - I have never felt "lonely" when single - and I have thoroughly enjoyed my single time in life, so your take on it is very different from mine. I have had so many women ask me how I can live alone - and that always blows my mind - that they can't even fathom that, bc I enjoy it tremendously for so many reasons. I guess this one is hard for people who have never been on their own, especially women maybe? Interesting... At times I feel it because I don't have a whole heap of single friends. And I go through the whole wondering what is wrong with me/why don't people like me/when will it be my turn stage. At times I am also very grateful though. I have married friends who are perfectly happy but tell me to enjoy my single life. Also...I know after my latest situation that if God asked me if I would rather be single forever or have a relationship like exMM and his wife...I choose singledom. So sorry for that lady that her hubby chose to love, honour and betray married or not, I don't think a rubbish relationship is worth being in over being single(i.e. I don't want to be married for the sake of saying I have a husband). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 At times I feel it because I don't have a whole heap of single friends. And I go through the whole wondering what is wrong with me/why don't people like me/when will it be my turn stage. At times I am also very grateful though. I have married friends who are perfectly happy but tell me to enjoy my single life. Also...I know after my latest situation that if God asked me if I would rather be single forever or have a relationship like exMM and his wife...I choose singledom. So sorry for that lady that her hubby chose to love, honour and betray married or not, I don't think a rubbish relationship is worth being in over being single(i.e. I don't want to be married for the sake of saying I have a husband). Okay - got ya. That is where I am with it - I would rather be content and be single than to be miserable but have a relationship for the world to see. Exactly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 The main reason I want to get married is because I want to have the same last name as my kids when I have them. Oh, and for the tax breaks. No, just kidding. I do want to get married. My mom never married and she was unhappy about it until the day she died. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 WakingUp - cool, I LOOOVE Sydney! We go every year for 10 days or so. It’s so vibrant and buzzing. LOVE IT! Catplates - you’re from Australia too? Wow! Lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 In my experience, being in an unhappy marriage was the loneliest place I have ever been. I felt so isolated, so unhappy... marriage is only a word. It is the relationship that matters. A bad marriage is a very sad place to find yourself in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 In my experience, being in an unhappy marriage was the loneliest place I have ever been. I felt so isolated, so unhappy... marriage is only a word. It is the relationship that matters. A bad marriage is a very sad place to find yourself in. Same here. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm going to be in this relationship for another 50 years" and that made my stomach drop bc it was such an unfulfilling relationship - and I was miserable. At that point, I thought to myself, if I am single for the rest of my life, it has GOT to be better than this. Nothing worse than feeling ignored by the one person in the world who is supposed to be your SO - that was so much more depressing to me than just being single and "alone". Just remembering those feelings makes me thankful all over again that we were young and childless and were able to somewhat easily extricate ourselves from a relationship that wasn't a good fit for either of us. Phew. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 In my experience, being in an unhappy marriage was the loneliest place I have ever been. I felt so isolated, so unhappy... marriage is only a word. It is the relationship that matters. A bad marriage is a very sad place to find yourself in. Sorry to hear that ...see, one of my many assumptions is that to be in a relationship means you will be happier and are not lonely. I find it hard to understand how someone can have someone and still feel lonely...but in some ways I guess I can see. I have quite a few friends and am around people a lot but at times you still feel lonely or alone. Its not a nice feeling... Never considered that "marriage is only a word"...but in some ways you are right. The relationship definitely does matter. I guess that the ring/certificate/dress/change in name or marital status do not automatically elevate it to a different level, you still need to put in some level of work to keep things going. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 For me marriage would be a big deal. I would love to do it...but I have so many idealistic ideas about relationships and would like mine to be "perfect" so...maybe I need to calm down a little bit, step back and consider that it will never be a fairytale Fabulous, rewarding, enriching...hard work...but not all fairytale. For myself, my parents were not married. I don't think they were bothered about it but for me...I want to be. Especially before I have any children with someone. I look at people who are married and think they must be so happy. Everything must be great. The people are not lonely and are so lucky not to be single. The wives must be so pretty/perfect/amazing. The husbands must be the best men in the world...lol don't laugh, I read a LOT of chick lit. I guess I thought it was never happening to me because I thought I was never good enough but I am slowly becoming more hopeful. I certainly know its not all it appears to be and that I should stop making so many assumptions about people's relationships. At least I know what I would not like it to be if I were to take the plunge...but I will be sure to use this great resource here on Loveshack for all my future love/marriage/relationship advice from current/ex/future wives who are members Stay away from the chick lit and romance novels. The are the bane of reality and set up so many unrealistic expectations. Marriage is little different from long term relationship. No extra understandings, skills, or efforts. Same man, same woman, different title. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 Stay away from the chick lit and romance novels. The are the bane of reality and set up so many unrealistic expectations. Marriage is little different from long term relationship. No extra understandings, skills, or efforts. Same man, same woman, different title. I will try ...its because some of them are so easy to read but every so often (like lately) I get fed up and need something less fluffy to chew on. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 To me, M is not a worthwhile goal, but as a by-product of an awesome R, it's not too shabby. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I will try ...its because some of them are so easy to read but every so often (like lately) I get fed up and need something less fluffy to chew on. I did that a lot in college and I think it caused more issues than not. It's like romcoms, you think just light viewing but we get this crazy idea that love is supposed to be like that. I think there is a certain bar that love and lust should adhere to but it is pumped up on steroids in these two genres. I knew a girl in college, she was still a virgin, who would stay up all night reading them and pining for that type of relationship. And she thought sex was like that!! Complete crazy making! Way too drama fueled. I was always afraid she was going to be sadly disappointed when she started having sex. It is great, but the first few times there isn't a lot of chandelier hanging. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 LFH said:I've had more love and respect and caring, along with true partnership and deep friendship [from MM among others] than many people ever get to experience. How could I feel cheated by that? LFH, nobody on this thread has said you should or would feel cheated by that. Why are you arguing/advocating against a point that nobody made? Has someone been saying such things to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Sarabi Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 When all my friends were getting married in their 20's and even some in their teens, it just wasn't for me...still isn't. I don't care to get married til I am in my 50's or later. That is too early really, I think. Under 25 is quite young to be married. If you can make it work then great but for me...no. I would have seen it as a restriction rather than an enhancement to my life if I got married young not that I had the opportunity anyway lol I have many married friends...we are not yet 30 We shall see... Link to post Share on other sites
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