How I became a MW with an AP

[nancy drew]

Hi, I am new here.

Found you guys just this week.

I usually lurk for awhile on bulletin boards, but I find myself needing a quicker connection to SOMEbody that knows of this life so I am diving in head first.

 

It was a 5-year affair, ended just a week and a half ago, not my decision, but I know it is the right one.

 

I am a MW, for 35 yrs. I do not believe my BH who is in his early 60's knows about this affair. The AP is single, late 50's age as am I. We have been colleagues/friends for well over 30 years.

 

AP and I met as new teachers, both of us newly married to our respective spouses. Back then we socialized as couples and celebrated the births and birthdays of our children. He stayed married 24 years to that wife, then quickly wed a 2nd time. I remain married to my one and only husband.

 

Over the years AP's career and mine followed similar paths although we were in different locations. 10 years ago I was recruited (not by him) to join the non-profit organization he helped found. We started working closely together on the Mission of the organization, which was a noble one.

 

For the next 5 years we worked together harmoniously and platonically. I considered myself happily married, as I had for the first 30 years of my marriage. The AP was always a bit mysterious to me, and had amazing charisma, especially as he aged. He had a position of power, and a casual flirtatious style. During these years my children were leaving home, my husband was working long hours, and I threw myself into my job. The effort is never finished at this non-profit. It is all-consuming, and I did not have a off-switch. I wanted more than anything for AP to admire my work and dedication. I found myself daydreaming about AP's life with wife #2. I wondered what he did on weekends. In meetings in his office I often saw w#2's pic and had actual crazy thoughts that I wish it was me in that picture frame. And I was fine with all of that. It was my little harmless escape in my own mind. In the organization, I rose in my position until I was an equal to AP and on the leadership team.

 

His 2nd marriage lasted only 4 years. He re-entered the dating game. I jokingly became his relationship coach. Soon emails became texts became online chat sessions became calls and going to events together as friends. For Mother's Day he gave me a gift I had pointed out to him for his own mother, but that in my fantasy in my mind I hoped he would get for me.

He did.

..........continued in next post.

[nancy drew]

.....continuing from previous post:

By now, even I, a good girl who never recognized anyone other my husband being looking at me, saw the unmistakable signs my friend was interested in more than a friendship. I couldn't believe it. He was the guy in high school I always dreamed about but never had a snowball's chance with. He fulfilled my 3 criteria when I was musing about a husband with my college friends back in the day - he had to love sports, rock & roll, and make me laugh. My BH had only met 2 of those all these years.

 

Now I was thinking about soon-to-be AP the last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I knew it was dangerous territory and it was exciting and thrilling. We chatted online one night about an organizational event I had attended that he did not. He asked if anyone had missed him. I played my hand and said "me". And at that point I had a conscious thought that we were on a steep slippery slide, and even said so. But 2 days later I was on a family trip furtively texting him every chance I got. That was the first time I began hiding things from BH.

 

When I returned, I 'helped' him move from the house he had sold in the divorce. It was fun being with him on the weekends. I covered at home by saying I was shopping, which was not unusual. At this point, most of the time with AP was shopping for his new place. He wanted my guidance on lamps, pictures, appliances, linens. I loved all the attention he was giving me. We didn't even kiss at first, but within a month the slide was complete to a full PA. That physical intimacy was like I had always read and dreamed about, but did not have with my BH. There was always a conscience sending up the alarm, but I was having too much fun to pay attention to it. Looking back, it shocks me to see how easily I was able to do this. Every night on the way home from work I would stop by his apartment for a few hours. Getting home from work after 8 pm was not any different than before as family knew me as a workaholic. We began traveling together to speak at conferences and seminars about the work we do. Our efforts in our careers have been wildly successful during the 5 years we were engaged in the affair. We also took our own getaways on weekends when I covered at home with trickle truths. I loved making plans with the AP for things to look forward to doing together.

 

For 5 years I have been lying to everyone that our relationship is like brother and sister. My BH believes AP is my very good friend with whom I spend alot of time. My children have been a bit leery of AP's intentions. My daughter has called him my 'work husband'. I blissfully put all of this aside to continue the selfish and destructive road I had chosen. I believed that I could keep the bubble going until one of us died....my BH, AP or me. We are all in our late 50's/early 60's. It is obviously magical thinking as I can see now in the cold hard light of reality.

........continued in next post

[nancy drew]

.....continued from previous post.

Less than 2 weeks ago AP ended the 5-year affair. He gave reasons of conscience and distance from his family. I faced this with as much maturity and responsibility as I could muster, because there is no arguing that this fantasy had to end. I started snooping and have evidence that he is beginning a new relationship, but he has not shared that, even though I am trying to give him a safe way to tell me. My world as I learned to carefully craft it over the past 5 years has fallen apart. I am struggling mightily from the withdrawal from a life I had built with smoke and mirrors. I am obsessed with wanting to know about the AP's new relationship. l'm hurting that it isn't me. I'm frightened about what is to come with my family and my career. And I am trying my darnedest to hold this altogether or I will break into a million pieces never to come back.

 

I have done much research and learned that in order to have the best chance of saving my marriage, I should do these things: seek counseling, disclose to my husband, and go NC with AP. The easiest one to start is IC, and I have my first appt. in 2 days. I am hopeful she will be able to help me examine the motivating factors that led to the bad place I am in, and will guide me on how to proceed. The destructive forces of my actions are long-reaching. Not only will my family be seriously impacted by my double life, but the organization I work at will suffer if I decide to resign. It will also affect AP if I disclose to the Director the reason behind my exit as I expect she will let him go as well.

 

I would never in a million years have predicted i would be unfaithful to my husband. I think most everyone who knows me would say the same if they knew. I am a dedicated rule-follower. I work hard at my job to do things the right way. I never want anyone to think poorly of me.

 

Perhaps I haven't worked so hard at my home. Keeping a house - decorating, cleaning, entertaining have never been strong points. I believe i have been a good mother my children, both of whom have chronic diseases from childhood.

We nearly lost my son several years ago. Facing that was undoubtedly the hardest thing either my husband or I have ever faced. I tell myself this current situation is not as difficult as that was. But maybe that is part of the same denial that kept me in a false blindness to the wrong i was doing by entering into the PA in the first place.

 

That is all and thanks if you read this far.

[LFH]

OP, you indicated that you have ended it recently. How are you coping with that at this time?

Edited March 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LadyGrey]

Nancy, I'm sorry for you pain. You've got a lot of decisions to make in the future, none of it is going to be easy as you know. Kudo's for starting the IC.

 

Do you want to stay married? If so, then I think honesty is required with your husband.

[nancy drew]

Thank you to those who are encouraging.

 

I was not the one to end the affair. The AP did.

I am certain I would have continued in it, despite the potential for catastrophic fall-out. I was and still am in the controversial/mythical fog.

 

Looking ahead, I never see myself NOT with my husband. Even during the EA/PA I never saw myself leaving him for the AP. Now I realize it is not entirely up to me. It was totally self-centered that I ever thought it was. I need IC to try to think more clearly on the whole sordid affair. Can't quite believe I am living a cliche.

[2sunny]

Just for today you can be kind and loving to yourself... And share that part of yourself with your H in an attempt to reconnect the emotional side of your M...

[whichwayisup]

Thank you to those who are encouraging.

 

I was not the one to end the affair. The AP did.

I am certain I would have continued in it, despite the potential for catastrophic fall-out. I was and still am in the controversial/mythical fog.

 

Looking ahead, I never see myself NOT with my husband. Even during the EA/PA I never saw myself leaving him for the AP. Now I realize it is not entirely up to me. It was totally self-centered that I ever thought it was. I need IC to try to think more clearly on the whole sordid affair. Can't quite believe I am living a cliche.

 

Do the counseling and go from there. Having the A and not really wanting to leave your H and divorce him, is about you not him or the xAP. Fix yourself, get strong so you can make a decision one way or another. Counseling will help you see things more clearly and get you out of the affair fog.

[Pierre]

 

That is all and thanks if you read this far.

 

Nancy:

 

Don't beat yourself up. Anyone can have an affair after a marriage that long. It is called the last hurrah, your last chance to be a teenager once agin. the big opportunity to feel butterflies. All of us have a classmate in HS that we love and would like to get it on with. This happens in the best marriages and it is natural to feel that way.

 

However, I suspect, your guy is not as innocent as you. He is probably a philanderer and knew how to reel you in. It took him a long time but he accomplished his goal. Now, he has moved to someone else, no big deal.

 

You are in love with OM and this love is "butterflies" love which is much different than the calm long term love you have for your H. However, in my experience long term married people cannot give up the long term love in exchange for the butterflies and that is why you remained married.

 

As to why you did it? See above. And to that you can add the fact that OM gave you attention and admiration. This is something your H was not doing. He cannot admire you and give you the same attention for obvious reasons.

 

Go 100% NC and you will be fine in two years. If you keep contact with OM you will never heal. Get check fo STDs.

[whichwayisup]

You are in love with OM and this love is "butterflies" love which is much different than the calm long term love you have for your H. However, in my experience long term married people cannot give up the long term love in exchange for the butterflies and that is why you remained married.

 

This is such an excellent point Pierre! And probably a main reason why MM and MW don't leave and divorce their spouses after many years of marriage to start over with someone else.

[Darth Vader]

Thank you to those who are encouraging.

 

I was not the one to end the affair. The AP did.

I am certain I would have continued in it, despite the potential for catastrophic fall-out. I was and still am in the controversial/mythical fog.

 

Looking ahead, I never see myself NOT with my husband. Even during the EA/PA I never saw myself leaving him for the AP. Now I realize it is not entirely up to me. It was totally self-centered that I ever thought it was. I need IC to try to think more clearly on the whole sordid affair. Can't quite believe I am living a cliche.

 

 

Ok, I'm going to say this once. You need to tell your husband and children EVERYTHING! Including what you've typed in this post! Your husband should have the opportunity to move on and find someone else if he chooses and/or have his "FUN", after all, you had your last "hurrah", why can't he with someone else? Your children need to know that your "work husband" is/was your affair partner, they will likely "hate" you for the rest of their lives, that's the truth! I say this because Both your husband and children have been living nothing but a Lie for the past 5 years, to them, these are 5 "wasted" years of their lives they can never get back while you were Riding your OM!

 

You see, you not only cheated on your husband, you also cheated on your children, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband did this to you? Whatever you do, DON'T Blameshift your affair onto your husband, because it's not his fault you cheated on him, it's yours!

 

Lastly, like your children that sensed some was wrong between you and OM, perhaps your husband also has had a gut feeling as to what has transpired. He may already know, perhaps he's been cheating on you as well, time to find out one way or the other. Funny, I'm not even trying to be harsh on this one.

[nancy drew]

Whew Darth!

Thank goodness for me you held back on being harsh LOL

 

Seriously, I think your words are fair and just for me to consider in my situation.

I do not and will not ever blame my husband for what I did.

I do not and will not ever blame the AP for what I did.

I alone am responsible for the selfish choices I made over and over again.

The damage I have done may be exactly what you describe, and it may be irreparable.

I may be in counseling for the rest of my life to deal with all of the ramifications.

I will pray for forgiveness and strength and comapassion and discernment.

I hope I will be better than I am now.

[whichwayisup]

Your husband may know already, on some level but believes you wouldn't ever cheat on him. Some call that sticking their heads in the sand, I call it, he's a special guy who has a big forgiving heart, he trusts you and is giving you the benefit of doubt. He knows 'something is off', probably even more so since your A is over, so you might be acting differently at home and your overall energy has changed.

 

Remember though, your H loves you. You have a long history together, children, families entwined. He might be one of those special people who will find it his heart to forgive you, to give you a second chance to change, to gain his trust again. especially since you two have been together for so long, he might be willing to really fight for you and the marriage as long as you are willing to do so as well. I believe people deserve second chances if they truly are deserving of it and are remorseful for their cheating ways. You seem remorseful and are ready to work on yourself, fix what is broken so you can become a better all around woman.

[Gagirl]

Are you ready for the single life? Are you ready to give up your home and live a tiny apartment? Are you ready to give up your job and possibly your career? Are ready to lose your family? Are you ready to be talked about and treated like garbage? It's probably best if you never came clean about this affair to anyone. All of this will pass. Keep doing your job, keep family and try your best to move on. It may take a long time but, you will eventually do it. Most husbands do not forgive infidelity. You will most likely end up divorced. Just keep quite and ride it out. Everything will gets better with time.

[LadyGrey]

Nancy, I'm a fow myself. I have came to realize that to live a authentic and honest life that I must not bs myself nor anyone else. Clearly you've got the qualities that make you a wonderful woman, but yet you lost yourself for a while. I believe you can find her again with a lot of hard work. Just from what you've wrote, I don't believe you can live with yourself if you keep this secret. If it bothers you now, it will eat you up inside to let it fester but it is your decision. A good IC can help you, I think.

[Pierre]

Nancy

 

 

For the last several years your H has been wondering what is wrong with you. Perhaps he even asked you and you probaby made up some excuse. He loves you and accepted your distant posture because most likely he is not the type of man that needs attention to be happy. Some OWs here say that the betrayed spouse always know about the cheating and that they look the other way. I think otherwise; some folks simply cannot imagine infidelity; it is not part of their vocabulary.

 

Your situation is a difficult one. If you come clean you will drive a dagger through the chest of your H, but sadly your children will feel the same betrayal. Grown kids take infidelity much worse than little kids.

 

I suggest you go 100% NC and never talk, write, text, email, etc to this man. There is a good chance he may call you again to have a few more rounds of sex before it is finally over. If you do this you will fall again and the pain will be worse.

 

Lastly, this man is probably not as good a man as your H. HOwever, he is not the same old man of 30 years and that is a huge advantage.

 

For the sake of children I vote that you take this secret to the tomb.

[2sunny]

You could go NC with the OM if you quit the job. It would be harder to extinguish your feelings for him and refocus on the M if you continue working with him.

 

There's no reason to give the Director your personal reason for wanting to leave - a simple "I need to focus on my family" is sufficient.

[Tenacity]

I am sorry for what you are going through. You have a major... long... history. This is not the same typical situation posted on here. This encompassed decades.

Edited March 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stevie_23]

Wow Nancy. I really do feel for you. I was 2 years with my ex-MM, he left me and I know it had to end as we couldn't go on like that or we'd have exploded / imploded (and we did already, several times during our relationship), but it's still so painful and hard. I'm just over 3 months out and I'm still trying to work through it all. A part of me is still in some form of the affair fog I think too.

 

I commend your honesty with us and also yourself and your self awareness and introspection. You are already at a pretty advanced stage in terms of your awareness and insight for so soon after a breakup, and after 5 YEARS of being deeply in love with this man.

 

I think also, living with constant deception and living 2 lives in a way takes it toll on your soul and also alters your outlook and personality in a way. How can it not? You obviously love your husband AND you obviously loved (and still do) your OM as well. It is SO, SO hard, this situation. It warps your whole mind and spirit.

 

I also can't even imagine how hard it would be if I thought my ex-MM had left me and moved on to a new woman. That is an added pain for you, and I know it's irrelevant now since the affair is over, but you're still partially in that place so it IS very painful still I would think.

 

I commend you also for getting IC. This will help you above all other things. I am trying to struggle through my thoughts and feelings by myself, with much help from people here, but I know IC would benefit me greatly except I'm not as brave as yourself so I haven't taken the plunge.

 

Try not to feel too overwhelmed by some of the suggestions given here. Like how you MUST tell your husband and children and how your ex-OM was a philanderer, etc. If, through further introspection and IC, you come to a place where you YOURSELF feel you want to be 100% honest, no matter the consequences, then you will do so when it's right for you. And also, not every OM / MM is a philanderer. Relationships do run their course, and affair relationships have so many added complications and extremes. It is just very difficult to navigate.

 

Hopefully your time here will broaden your perspectives and help you gain more insights that will assist you in moving on to a happier place.

[nancy drew]

I feel bad for your H for several reason but the main one is that your loyalty lies with your OM and not him. The fact that you decided to post in the OW forum instead of the infidelity shows how you really view this situation.

 

Do you ever plan on letting your H know so he can decide what to do? Or are you just going to continue and let him live a lie?

 

Thank you for your thoughts and for directing me to a more appropriate forum. I apologize for posting in this one. I had not seen the infidelity forum until just now when you spoke of it above. There was no conscious choice to post here, but perhaps there was a sub-conscious one. Thank you to all who responded to my thread. I will check out the other area that may be more suited to my situation.