She's Pulled a 'Nurse Betty'!

[Joe]

I was just getting to like being alone after my recently ended 10 year relationship and the subsequent rebound when along came this persistant and charming young lady who broke down my resistance and invaded my heart.

 

We fell in love but it was a hard time for both of us - she had financial problems and uncertainties about her future and I had an illness in the family and the whole post-divorce thing to deal with. We talked about having kids, travelling, moving, staying together for ever, all our hopes and dreams. We fit and it was beautiful.

 

Unfortunately, we also argued - we're both stubborn individualists and, as I said, each of us was under some other extreme stress. Nevertheless, we talked openly about our problems and made some progress in dealing with the faults and incompatibilities - there was always hope and reconciliation.

 

In the middle of this there was an "unwanted" pregnancy (we agonised over whether to have the baby but decided it was too soon in the relationship). Ultimately, it was all too difficult and we broke up after about three months.

 

The main problem for me was that my partner didn't respect, or maybe even recognise, my boundaries (she's as intense and demanding as she is giving). I'm an ornery old bastard who likes his space and I felt rushed. I gave her all the time and love I could until I was worn out, behind in my work and resenting her for it.

 

Finally - and I'm ashamed to admit it - I did the classic "man" thing of being cold and mean to push her away. All I really wanted was to buy some time to get my head straight but the phone calls stopped coming till the fateful one when she said she was moving to Hollywood to be an actor - quite a surprise.

 

After that she was different towards me - friendly, even warm but not intimate. We still spent a lot of time together and one day I asked her to marry me but it was too late, her mind was made up - she's very focused. The one time we had sex after the break up she told me beforehand that it wouldn't be like before - just sex (it was more than that - we both still have feelings for each other but she had to say it anyway).

 

I lent her money and helped her move but it broke my heart to see her go and I know it was hard for her to say goodbye too. We were getting closer and closer to each other again, every day. But it all went so fast and she arrived in LA yesterday.

 

Now I don't know what to do. I'm still in love with her and it feels like "unfinished business" but I know she needs her space, needs to do this thing on her own and I respect that. I believe we're meant to be together and I want to win her back but I don't think I should go chasing after her. What should I do?

[Tony T]

No, don't chase after her. I am very familiar with the LA show business bug and once it bites someone, the best thing others can do is be supportive. She will absolutely resent any effort you make to get her to move back.

 

In terms of her chances in LA, there is only one chance in 22,870 that she will make more than $7,500 a year doing films, TV, commericials, etc. If she is willing to take her clothes off in front of the camera and looks good that way, she can better her chances to 1 chance in 13,500.

 

Otherwise, odds are 50/50 that either she will stay in LA and become trapped in the cycle of hoping each day that tomorrow is when her big break will come or ultimately reality will set in and she will move elsewhere...maybe to you but probably to somewhere else to follow her wild dreams.

 

The way you describe it, it doesn't sound like the two of you had such a wonderful relationship that a solid bond formed. It really doesn't sound like you were all that happy with the relationship...you just miss her for some reason. You can be in love with the wrong person, you know. Don't count on her coming back to you. Try to heal from this and find someone else for yourself. There is no telling how long she will be in LA or if she will return.

 

If you keep in touch with her, watch for signs of her becoming increasingly egocentric. I have had many lady friends go to California to be in movies and their personalities usually changed dramatically. I have been there, done that, have the T-Shirt and the certificate so I know what goes on backwards and forwards. If she does return, she won't be the same person anyway. This LA show business bug has a nasty effect on people.

 

If she is focused on her career, it is highly doubtful she will have any very long term or meaningful love ventures so that's one thing you need not worry about.

 

By the way, you are very wrong about one thing. Being cold and mean to push someone away is NOT a classic "man" thing...you got the wrong sex there buddy.

[Joe]

Thanks Tony, I love your statistics. Thing is, even if she has turned into one of those sorry cases (I lived in Hollywood and Burbank for 7 years, worked in film and TV - behind the camera - and met plenty of "statistics", even dated one or two), I feel that some sort of intervention may be required. You know, like rescuing a family member from the Moonies.

 

This girl is bright, bright, bright and the really crazy thing is she's spent her working life doing things antithical to the Tinsel Town cult of self - she's worked with non-profits to save wolves, forests, even artists (how we met) - I mean she's done it full time, not on the side. Which is how she got so broke and burned out.

 

This is all fine material for politicised Oscar speeches and no doubt she will put much of her Hollywood money to good use. But it seems like such a waste of a good heart and head. Also she's a country girl who has trouble saying "no" (I don't mean sexually) and I could just see her getting tromped all over by exploitative, ego-driven scum-bags. This girl is "country fresh" and said she could never live in the big city!

 

Yes she is attractive and talented - though she hasn't done any acting for 6 years! Heads do turn (at least in a small town) but she doesn't have that va-va-va-voom drop-down-gorgeous "take me now" Hollywood come-on quality. That's why it all seems so crazy and reactive of her to zoom off with such bridge-burning, trail of disaster leaving (she has an unlucky streak a mile wide) abandon.

 

I feel somewhat responsible and I'm not the only one worried. Her oldest, best friend (who lives near here) doesn't understand what's going on and is concerned about her - thinks she has deeper problems to work out - but neither of us felt it was our place to discourage her or not lend the money she needed to make the move (she probably would have resented us, so our motives weren't entirely selfless).

 

Anyway, her X of several years didn't pull any such punches and gave her the "LA is full of bad people" speech. Now she's mad at him and will "never borrow money from him again"! I know, she's a user but keep in mind she also gives her "all" when she can - just doesn't recognise those boundaries in the normal way.

 

My art career started in LA and I have every reason to go back there to give it a boost. Would that be too obvious a ploy and one fated for disaster? - "Oh I'm moving to LA too, shall we meet for dinner?" Still, it would be easier to give her the platinum engagement ring if we were at least in the same state....

[Deejette]

I think you already blew it with her over the pregnancy and by pushing her away. Now she is pursuing her Hollywood Dream and she doesn't want to deal with marriage and kids, I would imagine.

 

She may not trust that you won't cut and run out on her when you feel the need for "more space" and boundaries. She may not be on your timetable for resuming the relationship. So you will move out there and find out that it was the wrong move, if you were intending to get back with her.

 

Now, if you are going out there for your career, that's another thing. But to pull up and move out there on the hopes that you will become a couple again, may not be realistic.

 

Or, you may find that she wants to get back together with you and will need a lot of financial help. LA is expensive. She sounds like she has money management problems. Your sentimental dream trip may turn out to be a nightmare trap of flakiness and broken dreams.

Thanks Tony, I love your statistics. Thing is, even if she has turned into one of those sorry cases (I lived in Hollywood and Burbank for 7 years, worked in film and TV - behind the camera - and met plenty of "statistics", even dated one or two), I feel that some sort of intervention may be required. You know, like rescuing a family member from the Moonies. This girl is bright, bright, bright and the really crazy thing is she's spent her working life doing things antithical to the Tinsel Town cult of self - she's worked with non-profits to save wolves, forests, even artists (how we met) - I mean she's done it full time, not on the side. Which is how she got so broke and burned out.

 

This is all fine material for politicised Oscar speeches and no doubt she will put much of her Hollywood money to good use. But it seems like such a waste of a good heart and head. Also she's a country girl who has trouble saying "no" (I don't mean sexually) and I could just see her getting tromped all over by exploitative, ego-driven scum-bags. This girl is "country fresh" and said she could never live in the big city!

 

Yes she is attractive and talented - though she hasn't done any acting for 6 years! Heads do turn (at least in a small town) but she doesn't have that va-va-va-voom drop-down-gorgeous "take me now" Hollywood come-on quality. That's why it all seems so crazy and reactive of her to zoom off with such bridge-burning, trail of disaster leaving (she has an unlucky streak a mile wide) abandon. I feel somewhat responsible and I'm not the only one worried. Her oldest, best friend (who lives near here) doesn't understand what's going on and is concerned about her - thinks she has deeper problems to work out - but neither of us felt it was our place to discourage her or not lend the money she needed to make the move (she probably would have resented us, so our motives weren't entirely selfless). Anyway, her X of several years didn't pull any such punches and gave her the "LA is full of bad people" speech. Now she's mad at him and will "never borrow money from him again"! I know, she's a user but keep in mind she also gives her "all" when she can - just doesn't recognise those boundaries in the normal way. My art career started in LA and I have every reason to go back there to give it a boost. Would that be too obvious a ploy and one fated for disaster? - "Oh I'm moving to LA too, shall we meet for dinner?" Still, it would be easier to give her the platinum engagement ring if we were at least in the same state....

[cj]

I was just getting to like being alone after my recently ended 10 year relationship and the subsequent rebound when along came this persistant and charming young lady who broke down my resistance and invaded my heart. We fell in love but it was a hard time for both of us - she had financial problems and uncertainties about her future and I had an illness in the family and the whole post-divorce thing to deal with. We talked about having kids, travelling, moving, staying together for ever, all our hopes and dreams. We fit and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, we also argued - we're both stubborn individualists and, as I said, each of us was under some other extreme stress. Nevertheless, we talked openly about our problems and made some progress in dealing with the faults and incompatibilities - there was always hope and reconciliation. In the middle of this there was an "unwanted" pregnancy (we agonised over whether to have the baby but decided it was too soon in the relationship). Ultimately, it was all too difficult and we broke up after about three months. The main problem for me was that my partner didn't respect, or maybe even recognise, my boundaries (she's as intense and demanding as she is giving). I'm an ornery old bastard who likes his space and I felt rushed. I gave her all the time and love I could until I was worn out, behind in my work and resenting her for it. Finally - and I'm ashamed to admit it - I did the classic "man" thing of being cold and mean to push her away. All I really wanted was to buy some time to get my head straight but the phone calls stopped coming till the fateful one when she said she was moving to Hollywood to be an actor - quite a surprise. After that she was different towards me - friendly, even warm but not intimate. We still spent a lot of time together and one day I asked her to marry me but it was too late, her mind was made up - she's very focused. The one time we had sex after the break up she told me beforehand that it wouldn't be like before - just sex (it was more than that - we both still have feelings for each other but she had to say it anyway).

 

I lent her money and helped her move but it broke my heart to see her go and I know it was hard for her to say goodbye too. We were getting closer and closer to each other again, every day. But it all went so fast and she arrived in LA yesterday. Now I don't know what to do. I'm still in love with her and it feels like "unfinished business" but I know she needs her space, needs to do this thing on her own and I respect that. I believe we're meant to be together and I want to win her back but I don't think I should go chasing after her. What should I do?

 

call her see how she feels about you guys geting back together if deos not want it get over her someday you are going to meet thee right on thee pervect one just hang on and keep your hopes high it will pay of