temptation

[esperance]

I'm a 36-year-old woman, been married for 13 years and I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 years now. I don't want to at all!

Lately this young man has been telling me that he likes me, that he finds me sexy, that he wants to know me more... Last night, he texted me, was actually outside my house... I had butterflies. I went out to meet him outside and he kissed me... super tender, adorable... Now he says he misses me but he doesn't want to mess my life up (i've got three young kids) and that he won't tempt me anymore. He's invited me for dinner at his place, when I said no, he said he understood and respected that. I'm torn... He's making me feel alive again!! Sexually desirable!!!!!! I want to see him, I want to have sex with him but I don't want to play too much with my feelings because it's already very hard today to look my hubby in the eyes.

Advice! Comments please!!!!!!

[tbf]

I'm an 80 year old man who has 400 grandchildren. With all these years under my belt, my advice to you is to consider the ramifications of your thoughts and actions.

[imfine]

Run like hell unless you want your whole life FUBAR.

[Darren Steez]

and they bit!

[tbf]

and they bit!

If I was an 80 year old man with 400 grandchildren, this would be accurate.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you want sex with your husband? What has turned you off of him sexually? If you don't fix things with him on an intimate level your marriage is going down the tubes, as it already is actually. Seems when one spouse is turned off of sex or isn't attracted to the other spouse anymore, one or both ends up cheating.

 

So, tell your husband how you feel. Try to fix this! or ask for an open marriage, this way you both can have some on the side.

 

OR, do you want a divorce? You can't go on like this, lust after other guys (or this guy) and think it will work. Eventually your H will figure it out.

[GSB81]

New guy is probably just using you to fulfill his MILF fantasy.

[Darren Steez]

If I was an 80 year old man with 400 grandchildren, this would be accurate.

fact is people will buy it, it's a very triggery post. I guess if it helps some people then fine. Not sure how though

[esperance]

Well I'm back Animallover and no, I'm not shagging the young guy as you so nicely said. I just came here to get some advice you know. I guess none of you here can know anything about the situation. So you really think he just wants to get in my pants. How cynical you all are. So a 36 year old woman has no chance to attract a younger guy for real??? oh thanks!

[esperance]

Thank you whichwayisup. I think you are totally right - but it's hard to know when to let your heart speak or be logical and wise about things. If I had no kids, I would have left my husband... but for them, I don't know what's best.

[nofool4u]

I'm a 36-year-old woman, been married for 13 years and I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 years now. I don't want to at all!

 

Then get a divorce.

 

 

Lately this young man has been telling me that he likes me, that he finds me sexy, that he wants to know me more... Last night, he texted me, was actually outside my house... I had butterflies. I went out to meet him outside and he kissed me... super tender, adorable... Now he says he misses me but he doesn't want to mess my life up (i've got three young kids) and that he won't tempt me anymore. He's invited me for dinner at his place, when I said no, he said he understood and respected that. I'm torn... He's making me feel alive again!! Sexually desirable!!!!!! I want to see him, I want to have sex with him but I don't want to play too much with my feelings because it's already very hard today to look my hubby in the eyes.

Advice! Comments please!!!!!!

 

Yes, get a divorce.

[Chi townD]

Wow...You know what's amazing? You're married to your husband of 13 years and had three of his children and you're on here talking about getting together with a younger guy and NOT ONCE did you ever mention getting advice on what to do to save your marriage.

 

You mentioned that you haven't had sex with your husband in three years. Like that's totally HIS fault. This is what we call blameshifting. You giving yourself permission to feel this way about this other dude because you haven't had it in such a long time and maybe you wouldn't be feeling this way if your husband wasn't so unattentive. Thus, you're making this his fault.

 

Plus, you stated that you don't want to. This is what we call the fog. You're head is full of this other guy that you don't want to think about your husband and also you feel guilt about what you're doing that it would be too much if he did want to get some.

 

You've stopped it at a kiss and turned down the dinner proposal thinking that you're a good girl and you really haven't cheated on your marriage. But, here's the rub. You're cheating.

 

You don't have to have sex in order to cheat. There are two types of cheating. Physical affair (PA) and Emotional Affairs (EA). You're definitely having an EA because you're emotional invested in this douche rocket and you're kissing him (PA). A good definition of cheating is saying and doing things with another person that you wouldn't do or say infront of your spouse. That's cheating.

 

And do you want to know another thing? Your husband already knows. He may not know EXACTLY whats going on, But, he's been with you for 13 plus years, he knows when something seems a little bit "off" with you. He's going to start looking into things here shortly. And if he ever came on here and started a thread saying, " I think my wife is cheating on me, I just don't know if it's true or not." I would be the first to tell him EXACTLY how to find out for sure. He would have the right to know and it wouldn't be that hard.

 

So, is this guy worth it? Is it worth a roll in the hay and for you to lose EVERYTHING! You're going to lose your family and you're going to destroy your kids life. The only life they've know is the family and home where they feel safe and loved. You're going to hurt finanically. Child support will only cover so much and you're going to struggle for a long time. Then, you're only going to be a part time mom. And what I mean that is, he's going to get visitation of the kids. They're going to be with him and you won't get to see your kids anytime you want. You won't be able to cuddle with them if you had a bad day; you won't be able to kiss them good night and tuck them into bed on days that he has them....so, part time mom.

 

You seem to be offended at the prospect that this douche rocket only wants to get in your pants. Right now, he's saying all the right things and doing all the right things to make you believe otherwise. That's exactly what his game plan is! This guy is young and has his full life ahead of him. Do you honestly think that a young guy wants to get saddled up with a pre-made family of 3 young kids? If you believe that, then I got a bridge to sell you. He's hitting on you and you're eating it up. He doesn't give a damn about your husband. He doesn't give a damn what affects of what you two do will have on the kids and he doesn't give a damn what the two of you will do to your family. He's got NOTHING to lose! You have everything to lose. And he really doesn't care. The only thing he care about is what you can give him, screw everything else.

 

So, is it really worth it? I think you need to talk with your husband. The spark is gone and you need counseling to find it again. And you need to stop seeing and communicating with this ass hat ever again.

[CarrieT]

So a 36 year old woman has no chance to attract a younger guy for real??? oh thanks!

They were being facetious because we know IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

 

You have three choices:

 

1. Tell the player to go away and return to your marriage. Go to marriage counseling and devote yourself to your vows and your husband and work on why you aren't happy

2. End your marriage and have sex with the new guy.

3. Cheat on your husband and come back here to try and figure out how to get out of a horrible situation of being in a loveless marriage and having an affair.

[nofool4u]

I guess none of you here can know anything about the situation.

 

And what details would make a difference of the fact that you don't want to have sex with your husband, and are engaging in an affair with a younger guy and desire to F him?

 

None. Because anything you would have to say that you think would make a difference is nothing but an excuse.

 

 

So you really think he just wants to get in my pants. How cynical you all are. So a 36 year old woman has no chance to attract a younger guy for real??? oh thanks!

 

Really? You want to ask these kinds of question of people that have been on your husband's side of the fence?

 

Like I said, if this is your biggest concern, and you don't want your husband, then set him free from you. Get a divorce. Don't use your kids as an excuse to waste any more years off your husband's life and keep him hostage in a marriage with a woman that wants to F other guys.

[troubadour]

.

 

 

 

I just came here to get some advice you know. I guess none of you here can know anything about the situation.

 

Esperance, since I am very familiar with this kind of situations I will break it up for you - point after point. I don't mean to be harsh or pass any judgements.... I will just tell you how it is.

 

 

So a 36 year old woman has no chance to attract a younger guy for real?

 

But of course, women at your age are absolutely beautiful and I am convinced that the young dude is sexually attracted to you and that he even likes you. You are his MILF fantasy and what makes you even more desirable in his eyes is that you are a married woman.... sleeping with married woman is always special.

 

 

Last night, he texted me, was actually outside my house...

 

Apparently, he is a man with a sense of adventure and he wanted to see if he could get a married woman leave her house to at night to see him outside.... I bet he saw it as a challenge and was proud of himself afterwards.

 

 

I had butterflies.

 

How sweet.... but are you really ready to accept that he won't be exclusive with you? Yes, this is harsh reality if you decide to get involved with him.

 

Does he have a girlfriend? Even if he doesn't now, he will sooner or later.

 

Are you sure that there isn't another MW in the picture already? It is a very likely scenario so don't be surprised if you have to share him another desperate for attention MILF like yourself.

 

Of course, he won't tell you any of this now because he wants to get you hooked on affair first and quite likely he will also lie about that in the future because he will try to keep you around as long as possible. Trust me.... sleeping with another man's wife is always special.

 

 

I went out to meet him outside and he kissed me... super tender, adorable...

 

Why are you doing it to yourselves?

 

 

Now he says he misses me but he doesn't want to mess my life up (i've got three young kids) and that he won't tempt me anymore.

 

If it were true, he wouldn't have texted you to meet him outside in the first place. Getting the thrill of doing it was more important to him than possibility of the mess it could have created for you.

 

And now he is waiting for you to respond.... if you don't, he will contact you again in one way or another. He already knows how vulnerable you are and he won't leave you alone unless you tell him very directly to f**k off.

 

 

He's invited me for dinner at his place....

 

Actually, he was trying to invite you to sleep with him. If he doesn't want to mess up your life why is he trying to get you to sleep with him?

 

 

He's invited me for dinner at his place, when I said no, he said he understood and respected that.

 

Again, he knows that you want him and he will contact you - you can bet on it. He looks at getting in your pens as a challenge, perhaps it is even a matter of pride for him at this point, you have to understand that he cannot just leave you alone now unless he absolutely have to.

 

 

I'm torn... He's making me feel alive again!! Sexually desirable!!!!!! I want to see him, I want to have sex with him but I don't want to play too much with my feelings because it's already very hard today to look my hubby in the eyes.

 

You have absolutely no chance of having any kind of "healthy" relationship with that man because for him this all is just a fascinating game. He want to see if he can get you to sleep with him.... he wants the thrill of f**king another man's wife but you will pay the price of it at the end.

 

Once your young man gets what he wants, he will never look at you the same way. Yes, he will try to keep you around as long as he can, after all you will be his low budget ley so why ruin such a beautiful thing, but as novelty aspect of the affair will start wearing off you will have to put up with more and more sh**t from him.

 

 

I have been involved with several married women except for that I didn't go after them.... I am an artist so they went after me. I genuinely liked and in some way even admired them but deep down I never respected anyone of them. They didn't respect themselves so why would I? But they didn't care anyway.... the thrill of affair with a young artist was what they were after and I delivered.

 

 

.

Edited March 21, 2013 by troubadour

[salparadise]

Experance, people tend toward emotional reactions based on their own painful experiences and theoretical morality. It's easy to judge others without empathy. When people do that, they're making it about themselves. You're seeking perspective sans the judgement, and you deserve some objectivity and well reasoned responses.

 

You already know that it's human to be tempted and by most moral codes it's wrong to give in. You know that it could be extremely pleasurable, adventurous and exciting. You're rationalizing how you might justify yielding to the temptation. On some level you also understand that there will be a price to pay, and you're weighing the risk/reward/consequences and trying to resolve the dissonance you're already experiencing by being tempted- without having acted on it. The emotions you're experiencing are obfuscating your judgement, social learning and sense of morality. What has previously been accepted is being challenged because opportunity and motivation present. You tell me- how much of this would you say is true?

 

The rationalization is that your marriage is unfulfilling and your needs aren't being met. This is a big deal, without a doubt. It upsets the balance within and makes us so desperate that we'll consider things we would otherwise say we'd never do. You said that if it were not for your kids you'd get a divorce, so there is probably a sense of hopelessness regarding your marriage accompanying the strong temptation to have your needs met, which tends to make this opportunity all the more tempting. At 36 you are in your sexual prime and not only are you not getting properly sexed, but you don't even feel appreciated. The temptation is understandable in this situation; it arises out of the most basic human needs that we all have. Try and step away from the emotional aspect and just understand in an objective sense what is going on with you that makes this sound so appealing.

 

Now, try to also be objective about the likely implications. I'll try to keep this factual and not judgmental. If you begin an affair you will almost certainly get caught. The reason is that this would be what is called an exit affair. You really want out of the marriage but don't have whatever it takes to end it proactively, so you'll subconsciously sabotage it and create a scenario wherein it must end, switching the burden of initiating it to your husband rather than doing it yourself. The problem is that this is the moral low road. Do you really want to do it that way? You said the primary reason for not having ended the marriage is your children, but if you end it by committing adultery and have to go through a nasty divorce your kids are going to find out eventually, and not only will there be the divorce, but it will be devastating to them because of how and why it happened. It will absolutely and forever change their perception of you. You will also end up having to bear tremendous shame both internally and within community and society. And it will be devastating to your husband, who I'm sure you don't want to hurt even if the marriage is over. If you are a moral person, as I'm sure you must be or else you wouldn't bother asking for this kind of feedback, the dissonance will eat you up regardless of whether you get caught. In fact, it may even be worse if you somehow manage to not get caught (which is unlikely I believe). If you already have trouble looking him in the eye, what's it going to be like after you've done the deed?

 

So try to think about it from a larger perspective and make the best choices for yourself and your family. Consider how the immediacy of getting you needs met in the moment could change who you are, how you relate to yourself, and upset the delicately balanced world of those you love. Perhaps it is time for change to happen, but how you make it happen has larger ramifications..

[stillafool]

If I had no kids, I would have left my husband... but for them, I don't know what's best.

 

If you want to do what is best for your children you will stop fantaszing about someone you will never have. This guy isn't going to take care of you and your kids once your husband throws you out. When you cheat on your husband you are also cheating on your children. What must they have thought you going outside to sit in some man's car in front of their father's home. I'm sorry but that is beyond tacky to me. I think you need to get to the root of the problem as to why you and your husband no longer have sex. If you have no desire to to that then you need to divorce and find happiness.

[JennaMax]

LOL..I was too about to grill you. Come on woman....at that age you shouldn't be acting like a 15 year-old naive girl. If you aren't happy with your hubby why not get a divorce and do it the right way. You have 3 kids as well..now think about them when you're messing around behind their dad's back.

[salparadise]

Ohh we do have empathy... but towards her husband.

 

Yes, I realize this. When you default to condemnation of someone who is asking for insight, you're making it all about you. That's not helpful to her, and nobody really gives a $hit about how you feel unless you communicate with respect. This is her thread, she's asking us to help, and she deserves to be treated dignity. To be helpful you have to meet the person exactly where they are and accept the circumstances they're facing.

 

It's also terribly boring to read one harsh condemnation after another, written by angry, bitter people, guised as advice. Surely you're capable of more?

[Chi townD]

I want to see him, I want to have sex with him but I don't want to play too much with my feelings because it's already very hard today to look my hubby in the eyes.

Advice! Comments please!!!!!!

 

She came here looking for advice on how to screw this guy and not feel guilty about what she's doing to her husband and family.

 

What advice do you expect a forum that has plenty of folks that have been hurt by the same actions she's planning to do to her own husband?

 

What advice is there other than tell her the consquences of her actions.

 

I think this is going to turn into a zombie thread. The OP probably won't come back because she's not hearing what she wants to hear.

 

I feel sorry for her husband though.....another one bites the dust!

[salparadise]

What advice do you expect a forum that has plenty of folks that have been hurt by the same actions she's planning to do to her own husband?

 

Can you really not accept her circumstances, and set your own pain and prejudices aside, long enough to write a compassionate post that will actually get some traction? I don't believe she said she's planning to, she said she's tempted. If you want to convince, first you have to connect.

[Drseussgrrl]

Having been in a nearly sexless relationship with my ex, I can tell you that as a highly sexual woman in my prime, absolutely my mind started to wander.

 

It's an incredibly lonely space to be. You start to kind of hate yourself for fantasizing about other men and missing the feeling and connection that sex brings to a human being. 3 years married with no sex? I'd go mad.

 

I never cheated, nor would I, and you can feel sorry for my ex all you want because I had those feelings that most certainly would have hurt him. But it's a two-way street and had he been more focused on me, our relationship, and helping to fulfill some of my most basic needs instead of spreading himself so thin, we might have had a fighting chance (and yes I tried to communicate this many times in an honest and loving way). Who knows if the OP has or not.

 

OP I would caution you to please, stop this thing in its tracks and really get in touch with what is going on inside of you and your marriage. Perhaps your husband is just as lonely as you feel - ever thought of that? Seek counseling. You have a family with this man, a life together, and so much to fight for. It's never going to be just like it was in the beginning like you're experiencing with this new person, with the sparks and fireworks and excitement. But trust that in time, it would wear off with him too and real life sets in ad you're left with the ashes of a life you once had.

 

Please. You really don't want to do this.

[troubadour]

Experance, people tend toward emotional reactions based on their own painful experiences and theoretical morality. It's easy to judge others without empathy. When people do that, they're making it about themselves. You're seeking perspective sans the judgement, and you deserve some objectivity and well reasoned responses.

 

You already know that it's human to be tempted and by most moral codes it's wrong to give in. You know that it could be extremely pleasurable, adventurous and exciting. You're rationalizing how you might justify yielding to the temptation. On some level you also understand that there will be a price to pay, and you're weighing the risk/reward/consequences and trying to resolve the dissonance you're already experiencing by being tempted- without having acted on it. The emotions you're experiencing are obfuscating your judgement, social learning and sense of morality. What has previously been accepted is being challenged because opportunity and motivation present. You tell me- how much of this would you say is true?

 

The rationalization is that your marriage is unfulfilling and your needs aren't being met. This is a big deal, without a doubt. It upsets the balance within and makes us so desperate that we'll consider things we would otherwise say we'd never do. You said that if it were not for your kids you'd get a divorce, so there is probably a sense of hopelessness regarding your marriage accompanying the strong temptation to have your needs met, which tends to make this opportunity all the more tempting. At 36 you are in your sexual prime and not only are you not getting properly sexed, but you don't even feel appreciated. The temptation is understandable in this situation; it arises out of the most basic human needs that we all have. Try and step away from the emotional aspect and just understand in an objective sense what is going on with you that makes this sound so appealing.

 

Now, try to also be objective about the likely implications. I'll try to keep this factual and not judgmental. If you begin an affair you will almost certainly get caught. The reason is that this would be what is called an exit affair. You really want out of the marriage but don't have whatever it takes to end it proactively, so you'll subconsciously sabotage it and create a scenario wherein it must end, switching the burden of initiating it to your husband rather than doing it yourself. The problem is that this is the moral low road. Do you really want to do it that way? You said the primary reason for not having ended the marriage is your children, but if you end it by committing adultery and have to go through a nasty divorce your kids are going to find out eventually, and not only will there be the divorce, but it will be devastating to them because of how and why it happened. It will absolutely and forever change their perception of you. You will also end up having to bear tremendous shame both internally and within community and society. And it will be devastating to your husband, who I'm sure you don't want to hurt even if the marriage is over. If you are a moral person, as I'm sure you must be or else you wouldn't bother asking for this kind of feedback, the dissonance will eat you up regardless of whether you get caught. In fact, it may even be worse if you somehow manage to not get caught (which is unlikely I believe). If you already have trouble looking him in the eye, what's it going to be like after you've done the deed?

 

So try to think about it from a larger perspective and make the best choices for yourself and your family. Consider how the immediacy of getting you needs met in the moment could change who you are, how you relate to yourself, and upset the delicately balanced world of those you love. Perhaps it is time for change to happen, but how you make it happen has larger ramifications..

 

 

^^^^^ Great post, salparadise. I love it.

 

Since you have such a great gift of communicating perhaps you should consider discussing her "young man" and his real feelings toward her as she is struggling with it. She seems to be idealising him a bit while the reality is that he is a quite bold dude which he proved by texting her to meet him outside her house. It was just plain disrespectful to her and her family but she clearly liked it. For her it is a life changing decision, for him it is about a challenge and fulfilling his fantasy.

 

I wish I could do it as gracefully as you but I guess I am a painter.... not a writer.

 

 

[troubadour]

how cute... the wolf giving advise to the sheep...

 

 

Animalover, each of those four married women, I was involved with, cheated before and after meeting me. This has been their lifestyle and turning them down wouldn't change anything.... they would just cheat with someone else.

[man_in_the_box]

While I agree that it is a crappy justification I do think that this guy can give very good insight on what is going on from the OM perspective. Apparently he's been there - so who knows better than him?