Parents disown me because im in an interracial relationship

[Megan C]

hello, so i need some advice. Im 19 and white and my boyfriend is 22 and is black. We've been together for about 6 months and I love him very much. My parents are extremely racist and i told them about him when we first started talking (not even dating yet) and they threatened to take everything away from me. School, phone car, everything. I told them i would stop and I did for about a week. I know this sounds selfish but I couldn't. So we agreed to just not tell my parents. This has caused alot of strain in our relationship but we talked it all out and are okay with it. His family is very welcoming and loving of me. I just told my parents a few days again that we are dating. in short, all hell broke lose. My car is gone, my fone will be gone, and theyre taking me out of my college. I play soccer there and have a scholarship and that is all gone. My dad told me i was evil, and my soul was rotted and said to me, "**** you and your mother ****in n***** lovin ass." my mom cant stop crying saying, why did i do this to her? and that she will never be the same. Ive prayed alot about this and if i stopped dating my bf i would always regret not making my own decisions. Ill go to school at home and live with my friend and pay my own way. They told me that i tore my family apart. If we were a real family, this wouldnt be happening righ now. I know they just want the best for me but when they asked me why? i told them that he makes me happy and my dad called me a ****ing idiot and a whore. I never said anything mean back i just listened becuase theres nothing i could ever say that would matter. At this point its not even about my bf. its about me making my own decisions and my family loving me unconditionally. and if my family cant love me unless im their idea of a perfect daughter, then is it really love at all and do i want that love? I know that im young and maybe we won't be together forever. and thats fine, least i would know that i made my own decision and didn't have regrets. I just need some feedback. am i being selfish? am i a terrible daughter for tearing my family apart?

Edited March 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sure]

This is one of the saddest situations I've ever seen here.

 

My knee jerk reaction is, get yourself away from your toxic family. I believe racism cannot be tolerated.

 

But your 19 and dependent on them ...you have a promising academic career ahead. Without their help, in these tough times ...

 

You are NOT breaking up your family, they are. You aren't hurting them, they are hurting you. It's ugly and awful that they would put their hate even above their love for you.

 

Chances are good you are going to have lots of boyfriends, and to make a life change so young because of one isn't wise, but...this is racism.

 

I just cant or don't want to believe that they hate him this much just because he isn't white...are there any problems with him?

 

I can tell you love your parents and are torn. I'm sorry I don't have answer for you. I hurt for you though I really do.

 

I'm thankful that your parents somehow managed to raise a child who is not a racist...that's amazing.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't think I would want to associate with my parents if they went to that extreme. It's one thing to dispprove of a child's bf/gf but for them to call you derrogative names and literally disown, this means they will only love you as long as you're living up to their expectations.

 

If that is such a big deal to them, I can imagine what if it were other serious issues or if you were pregnant. Are they gonna have that reaction too?

 

If my parents did that, I would start doubting their love for me. It would make me think that they would be capable of forcing me to marry a rich white guy and only use that to their advantage for status.

[mammasita]

I used to hear things like that from my father. Not sure if he would have followed through with his threats.

 

Unfortunately, until you are in a position to support yourself and tell your parents to eff off, you're stuck hiding your relationship.

[Eddie Edirol]

You will regret giving up your scholarship for 1 guy when youre older, trust me. I dont know if any colleges will believe this story if you try to get back into school, so honestly, and this is from a black man dating a white woman, give this guy up for now and think about the future. Once youre done with school, and you get that job that will allow you to move out on your own, THEN you can shun your parents for their racism, and date anyone you want. You have 4 years, once you get on your feet after that, you can look him up and you guys can try it again. Youre not at an advantage without their support. Use them for their support now, shove it in their face later.

 

Youre 19, your tastes in men will change by then. But lemme tell you this much. I dont know what your major is and what kind of paycheck you can expect just coming out of school, but I have to pay $500 a month in school loans, and trying to consolidate them is giving me gray hairs early. Dealing with this is a major hassle, and its sad to see someone put themselves in harms way when they dont have to. Working while in school is bad enough, but trying to pay for the loans after the grace period is maddening. I gave up my parents support for school at your age and dropped out of college to pursue something else, and failed. By the time I wanted to go back to school, I was 30, and too proud to ask them to help me pay.

 

What happens if you get knocked up? Is your bf going to college? Wheres he headed? If you keep the baby, you set yourself back at least 5 years. If your bf starts getting distant from you for some reason, you will regret your decision, and you really dont even know if your parents will support you again, or the school will renew your scholarship.

 

If you were dating your bf for 2 years and you pretty much knew him through and through, I'd say maybe you can consider giving all that up, but not for a 6 month relationship, when youre 19.

 

BTW, youre not being selfish, your parents are, and youre not a terrible daughter, your parents are horrible. Also, your parents reaction is pretty much showing your future if you dont marry who they think you should. So consider this when you want to start planning having a family with a guy, and whether or not you will have to extricate yourself from them.

[Megan C]

This is one of the saddest situations I've ever seen here.

 

My knee jerk reaction is, get yourself away from your toxic family. I believe racism cannot be tolerated.

 

But your 19 and dependent on them ...you have a promising academic career ahead. Without their help, in these tough times ...

 

You are NOT breaking up your family, they are. You aren't hurting them, they are hurting you. It's ugly and awful that they would put their hate even above their love for you.

 

Chances are good you are going to have lots of boyfriends, and to make a life change so young because of one isn't wise, but...this is racism.

 

I just cant or don't want to believe that they hate him this much just because he isn't white...are there any problems with him?

 

I can tell you love your parents and are torn. I'm sorry I don't have answer for you. I hurt for you though I really do.

 

I'm thankful that your parents somehow managed to raise a child who is not a racist...that's amazing.

 

I asked if they want to meet him? and they said no. He is such a good kid. Hes catholic and him and i are very religious and we will go to church together. He goes to the school i go to and literally has a full ride between academics and soccer and is studying to be an accountant. He has lead church retreats and is the captain of the soccer team. Ask anyone at that school and they will say good things about him i bet on it. my mom said to me, "its not about being racist, its about whats right and wrong and this is not right." I understand im young and this will probably not be my last boyfriend but what is that saying for me to give in? even if we did break up i wouldn't tell my family. i would let them think were still dating because they should love me again because im not dating a black guy. they should love me because im their daughter.

[Radu]

Yet they won't.

Eddie is spot on about the possible repercusions from this.

 

But he's not the only one who ****ed up his college.

I was in my last yr of a 5yr engineering college with a good degree, internationally recognised, and i stopped going when i was 6 courses shy of graduating.

I did other jobs after that, but i ended up waking at 28, asking myself 'what the hell have you done'.

I'm still paying for it now, in the long run i think it will work out for me, but that was a major mistake.

 

Do not make this kind of mistake.

Cut a deal with your parents, go back to school, learn your ass off.

And when you are done and have that job, remind them of what they did, of putting their hatred and bigotry above their own daughter.

And let them rot in their own filth.

But not before that.

[DannyMason]

My father would have shot me if I was in an interracial relationship. His racism played a major role in crippling my life when I moved in with him. Get away from your family ASAP. Don't end up like me.

[Megan C]

Yet they won't.

Eddie is spot on about the possible repercusions from this.

 

But he's not the only one who ****ed up his college.

I was in my last yr of a 5yr engineering college with a good degree, internationally recognised, and i stopped going when i was 6 courses shy of graduating.

I did other jobs after that, but i ended up waking at 28, asking myself 'what the hell have you done'.

I'm still paying for it now, in the long run i think it will work out for me, but that was a major mistake.

 

Do not make this kind of mistake.

Cut a deal with your parents, go back to school, learn your ass off.

And when you are done and have that job, remind them of what they did, of putting their hatred and bigotry above their own daughter.

And let them rot in their own filth.

But not before that.

 

the damage is already done. but the things my dad has said to me? half of it i didn't even mention the first time. its so horrible it makes me not want anything from him. the school is extremely expensive that i go to and my family is not wealthy at all so i think they are using it being expensive to take me out and go to school at home where its cheaper. when they wanted me to go there in the first place. i wasn't even allowed to look at other schools.

[2sure]

Since you live at school, and not with your parents, and want to continue school and see your boyfriend...

 

You can't have everything you want by telling them the truth. You should do what you think is right for you.

 

You can't make them like it.

[AccF428]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/380666-serious-problem-gf-s-mom

 

You and I are in a similar situation. Although mine is somewhat worse because there is a child involved. I'm the guy on the other side of the equation.

 

Ultimately I've discovered that there are times where we need to rise above our own parents and families. I suggest in this, you follow your heart. Simply because we must always make the choice of what is right and easy.

 

1. Maybe you can lie about the relationship until you've finished school. Discuss it with your parents, and help them to try to help you understand what is "wrong" about it. Racism is a highly irrational behavior that usually can not be justified. They should begin to see the error in their ways.

 

2. Consider student loans for the parts of your tuition that you can't pay, in addition to a part-time job. Housing where I go to school is extremely cheap for students, especially if you have room mates.

 

3. Speak to someone on campus. Discover what your other options are.

[Megan C]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/380666-serious-problem-gf-s-mom

 

You and I are in a similar situation. Although mine is somewhat worse because there is a child involved. I'm the guy on the other side of the equation.

 

Ultimately I've discovered that there are times where we need to rise above our own parents and families. I suggest in this, you follow your heart. Simply because we must always make the choice of what is right and easy.

 

1. Maybe you can lie about the relationship until you've finished school. Discuss it with your parents, and help them to try to help you understand what is "wrong" about it. Racism is a highly irrational behavior that usually can not be justified. They should begin to see the error in their ways.

 

2. Consider student loans for the parts of your tuition that you can't pay, in addition to a part-time job. Housing where I go to school is extremely cheap for students, especially if you have room mates.

 

3. Speak to someone on campus. Discover what your other options are.

 

ive read your story and im so sorry to hear how things have gone downhill. I feel your pain i truly do. Currently i am single because i told my boyfriend about my parents taking everything away but it didnt matter because I wanted to be with him. and he broke up with me because he couldnt bare the one breaking up my family because of him being black. I tried to explain that its not his fault, its my parents, they pushed it to this extreme. ill figure out a way to pay for it on my own and that i dont want any of those material things. they mean nothing to me if i cant have him. i told him im not going back to a house where im only "welcomed" because im not dating a black guy anymore. its not happening. Im going to fight for whats right whether he is dating me or not. were still friends but its so hard cause all we want to do is be together. but hopefully he will understand that my parents cant control who im dating and over a thing like racism. im more said that were not together not about my parents. i asked my dad if he thought what he said to me was wrong and he said yep. its wrong. iim going to look into financial plans and loans. is your situation any better?

[BetheButterfly]

hello, so i need some advice. Im 19 and white and my boyfriend is 22 and is black. We've been together for about 6 months and I love him very much. My parents are extremely racist and i told them about him when we first started talking (not even dating yet) and they threatened to take everything away from me. School, phone car, everything. I told them i would stop and I did for about a week. I know this sounds selfish but I couldn't. So we agreed to just not tell my parents. This has caused alot of strain in our relationship but we talked it all out and are okay with it. His family is very welcoming and loving of me. I just told my parents a few days again that we are dating. in short, all hell broke lose. My car is gone, my fone will be gone, and theyre taking me out of my college. I play soccer there and have a scholarship and that is all gone. My dad told me i was evil, and my soul was rotted and said to me, "**** you and your mother ****in n***** lovin ass."

 

That is horrible.

 

First off, you are not evil. Secondly, your parents are verbally abusing you.

 

I think you should seek help from a refuge and also talk to a counselor at your college about what your parents told you.

 

my mom cant stop crying saying, why did i do this to her? and that she will never be the same.

You didn't do anything to her. It is really sad that she is hurting herself (and you) by being racist.

 

Ive prayed alot about this and if i stopped dating my bf i would always regret not making my own decisions.

Since you believe in God? I think its' important to stand up for what is good and the fact that all people are equal under God.

 

If you are a Christian, Paul talks about how we are equal. Even though he did not address skin color, differences in ethnicity are represented due to "Jew or Gentile":Galatians 3:28.

 

Martin Luther King Jr, a wonderful man who advocated freedom and equality, has a famous statement in his "I Have a Dream" speech:

 

"[FONT=arial][sIZE=2]When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God almighty, we are free at last"!"[/sIZE][/FONT]

Martin Luther King Jr: "I have a dream"

 

I think that's so important, and I think you need to stand your ground. You aren't doing wrong by dating a person with another skin color. Please get counseling from your university and a women's shelter, because your parents are taking away your rights (you are over the age of 18) and are verbally abusing you.

 

Ill go to school at home and live with my friend and pay my own way. They told me that i tore my family apart. If we were a real family, this wouldnt be happening righ now.

Agreed. Don't let them guilt-trip you into not loving a man just because of his skin color.

 

I know they just want the best for me but when they asked me why? i told them that he makes me happy and my dad called me a ****ing idiot and a whore.

Verbal abuse

 

I never said anything mean back

I admire that you didn't lash back to verbal abuse. That's awesome!!!

 

i just listened becuase theres nothing i could ever say that would matter. At this point its not even about my bf. its about me making my own decisions and my family loving me unconditionally. and if my family cant love me unless im their idea of a perfect daughter, then is it really love at all and do i want that love?

I agree. They should love you no matter what.

 

I know that im young and maybe we won't be together forever. and thats fine, least i would know that i made my own decision and didn't have regrets. I just need some feedback. am i being selfish?

NO. You are not being selfish. There is nothing selfish about wanting people to love each other, including your family loving and accepting the man you are dating. Rather, you are thinking of him. I am so sad that he is being hurt by the racist hatred of your parents.

 

am i a terrible daughter for tearing my family apart?

No. Hatred and racism are tearing your family apart, not you.

 

By the way, I'm in an inter-ethnic marriage. My husband is Mestizo - of Native American and Spanish descent. My parents LOVE him. My marrying a wonderful man of another ethnicity did not tear my family apart at all. Why? Because they know how to truly love and think he is just as awesome as any person of our own ethnicity.

Edited March 20, 2013 by BetheButterfly

[AccF428]

is your situation any better?

 

Nope. It gets worse. I think we'll simply have to figure out how to better become independent and work as a team. My family has been especially supportive of her, and that's good.

 

I believe we'll be fine. I'm just more concerned for her. The both of you are brave and admirable women.

[Frank85scorpiiooooo]

If i was your father i would kill u with my own hands stupid whore, how can u forget about ur family just for a black guy , youre destroying your life , all american white women are tramp and dumb i feeeeel so sorry for your fatherrr

[Frank85scorpiiooooo]

If i was your father i would kill u with my own hands stupid whore, how can u forget about ur family just for a black guy , youre destroying your life , all american white women are tramp and dumb i feeeeel so sorry for your fatherrr

[Madman81]

Hopefully, OP, you'll ignore the loony troll FrankScorpio above.

 

Personally, I think you need to break free now. Your bigoted parents aren't going to change, and the longer you're reliant on them, the more damage they'll do to you. Who cares if they give you some financial support... with the horrible names your father called you, you'd be consenting to living in an abusive situation. Fundamentally, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend; it has everything to do with escaping from your parents' abuse, as quickly as you can.

 

Yes, you'll be on your own and it will be difficult to some extent. But as somebody wiser than me once said, "it's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."

[FitChick]

Get a job and go to school part time. See if you can get a student loan. Maybe you can move in with your boyfriend's family.