Confused????

[dazed&confused28]

Ok, I have a complex situation here, and I need some advice.

 

I've just been dumped in July, and I was in this relationship for 2 years.

 

Here's the sticky situation! We knew each other from work. Before we started dating we talked about our past relationships and how we reacted to all the bad situations. I explained my strict parents, my culture and how it's hard for me to get away because of my family. I thought I cleared everything! Then,we started going out, and then I left for another company a few weeks later. Here's my issue. I live with my parents at the age of 28, who are from another country. They don't believe in my dating American people. The guy I dated lives 1 hours away. I would find excuses to go see him every weekend. On our 2nd date he introduced me to his family. Over the next 6 months things were fine, but something went horribly wrong.

 

My parents knew I was up to something, so they went through my room and found my diary and read it! It had a lock on it. They didn't approach me about my sneaky ways, but figured out a way to limit my going out to go see him. Every time I said I wanted to go see friends, cousins, or family, they said no or they had plans so I had to stay home and do something they needed. Well as time went along, 6 months went by and I had only seen him 5-6 times. But he was really really patient! Finally this past six months went by, with only seeing me 2 times. I told him about what my parents did and that's why I can't get away. I had to stop calling because my parents were watching my phone calls also. So, I talked to him via email everyday, but in June 2004 there were days he would say stuff that would worry me. One day he said "I was talking to my coworkers and she/they said the reason you don't come see me is because you are dating someone else", "I feel you are stringing me along", and finally "Well it doesn't seem like there is any "us" anymore. Any time I talk to you I basically get the feeling that you really aren't interested in this and just don't want to tell me that. I basically feel like I am getting the blow off like your ex. I have been more than understanding in this relationship and it really hasn't gotten me anywhere except getting to see and talk to you less. When I have tried to talk to you I just get a bunch of question back about me and what I want. " This all came up, within two months apart. One week he told me he couldn't wait to see me, now all this? During the two months I kept talking and talking over emails and phone. But, because of my parents I couldn't see him. I asked him over and over if he was not happy, then he needed to tell me. I asked him over and over if wanted out of this relationship, just tell me! I always asked him what he wanted! He just wouldn't tell me anything! He just built up this wall!

 

Finally I went to go see him in July end, thinking this would help, maybe he would open up. I stopped by his place, but he wasn't there, so I went to my families place. Well as night fell, my friend said "let's call him". We called him and he answered, but he was distant. Our conversation was light, and he asked "where are you?" I told him, and he got really quite. I told him can I come see you and he paused and then said no. He was very distant, so I asked if it was ok to ask a few question and he said sure! When I asked "what's going on with us?" he answered "there's nothing going on with us". So I asked more questions, like if there's someone else and he said "Yes".

Since I asked the right question to figure out it was over. At the end of the call he said "I hope you have a nice dinner" I just said Fine, and hung up! I wasn't mad for some reason, just really confused. It made me sick to my stomach that he would think I could have dinner after that conversation.

 

I haven't kept in touch since that day (2 months), until today! Today is his b'day. So I sent two words, HB!

He sent a email back saying "thank you" and I sent a email saying "you're welcome" That's the end right!

 

Nope he sent me a email 30 mins later saying he found one of my books at his place when he was packing. Nothing more or nothing less.

 

How do I respond to that??????

 

Any ideas!!! I'm scared to respond because I'm still not over the whole situation.

 

Well, I've decided to take his advice from 6 months ago, and move out from my parents home. I've decided I need to stop trying to make eveyone else happy and just worry about me!

 

But now he's got me thinking again??? Can you guys help me???? How should I respond to this last email???? What should I say?? And is he trying to try to talk to me again?

[Scott S]

Complex & confused indeed! Could you clarify what exactly the last e-mail exchange was? You've referred to several.

 

I will say that you did the right thing by moving out on your own. You didn't mention what your family's native country is, but cultural issues aside, you'll never be able to mature or be in an adult relationship with your parents keeping you on such a short leash.

[EC]

Wow!! So wait....why are you living at home at 28? Is it because they need help? Or because you just haven't moved out?

 

Also for a 28 year old why don't they show you respect. 28!! and they read your diary? and check your calls and tell you who to see and who not to see? Are you kidding me? Your an adult. You have the right to date whom you please.

 

About your man though...I think there was a lot of confusion and miscommunication that broke you guys apart.

 

I think he figured the parent thing was a lie and so he found someone else.

 

I think you should just respond to the email as if you were responding to a friend. If a friend wrote to you saying I have a book you left while I was packing what would you write back?

 

If he still has a girlfriend then don't mention anything unless he brings it up.

 

And about you I definitely think you need to move out of your parents house already.

[FolderWife]

It doesn't matter if he wants to get back together or not.

 

My parents were strict like that, and I only got to see my guy on weekends, and even then it was only in church.....so we ran off and got married, so we could DATE!!!

 

It's rediculous that you let your parents rule you that way. Were you afraid that they wouldn't let you live with them any more?

 

Ok, 'nuff butt chewing.

 

If you've moved out of your parent's house FINALLY, and have FINALLY decided to live for you and not for them, and he's e-mailing you, then by all means TRY AND GET BACK TOGETHER!!!!

 

I don't blame him one little bit for dumping you. You put him last in your life. You quit your job where you could see him every day, and went somewhere else. Then, you started seeing him less and less.

 

What kind of person doesn't have a private life, so whatever life she sneaks away from her parents, SHE WRITES DOWN AND KEEPS IN HER BEDROOM!!???!??! If you're sneaking around, don't write it down! Do you blame him for dumping you? How could you be confused by that/??

 

Back to the point. He said he found one of your books. Ask him if you can come over and pick it up. When you get to his house, ask him if he'd mind joining you for dinner. If he says no, you haven't lost anything. If he says yes, then you get to spend time with him again, and maybe things will blossom.

 

Honey, he must've really liked you a lot to have put up with the junk that you put him through for so long.

[dazed&confused28]

Scott,

 

They last email we had was today, his birthday! I figured I would be nice and just say a few words!

 

I said: Happy Birthday, may all your wishes and dreams come true!

He sent: Thank you, I hope the same for you

I said: You're welcome

 

30 mins later:

 

He sent: I found your big Astrology book when I was packing all my stuff up.

 

 

I've been scared to reply to this last reply of his! I don't know why he would bring this up after 2 months! I knew about the book, but never though I would ask for it back!

 

My parents are from India, I was born here.

 

He was dropping hints along time back, about moving out, but I just was so scared with my parents being strict! I was just caught in the middle. He never told me to move away directly, but there were hints! I'm planning on moving out by end of this month. I've told my parents, I've lied and told them my job is moving! But it will get me out of the house.

 

Sad thing is, every night I pray for god to keep him safe and healthy. I never meant him harm! I know alot of his coworkers and friends have put this in his head, because until June he was fine!

[tiki]

Send him an email back thanking him for 'reminding' you about that book. Casually mention that you'll be getting a place of your own soon and that you're super excited. I bet he'll want to see you!

[dazed&confused28]

Monday and Econfused,

 

I admitted my faults a long time ago. I never left my job for another job, I was fired....because of him! I told him I didn't want to date because of the policy at work, he told me to take a risk! And it would be our secret!

 

I paid the price by taking a risk!

 

I live with my parents because my new job is only 5 minutes from my parents house. They told me to live with them, so I could save money and buy a house later, instead of paying rent for a apartment! They don't charge rent or anything. I buy them medicine or grocerys in return of rent. So I cover things for them time to time.

 

Living at home has it's price. I wouldn't have living there if I wasn't fired in the first place. Our relationship was fine for the past 1.5 years. These last few months have been odd.

 

Trust me, there were times I drove 1 hour to go see him and he blew me off!

 

I understand my faults, but all this was stated before we even started dating! I told him about my strict family and what happen to the guys in the past. My relationship in college ended the same way. The guy I dated (6 years) then met my family and got insulted to his face by my parents, when he asked to marry me. And he kept coming back for more!

 

My ex wanted to meet my parents, but I was scared they would do the same thing to him like the previous guy.

I was trying to protect him. He was already a little worry wart!

 

There were times he would say stuff to me in emails, and that week I would drive down to go see him, he would act like he didn't know what I was talking about! At times, I felt stupid even trying to ask anymore.

 

You are right, there was alot of miscommunication and misunderstanding. He and I both agreed on that.

 

As for him finding another girl, I really doubt it, I think he was hurt and just trying to brush me off, or atleast trying to not be disappointed again. He told me I was only the second person he's ever said "I love you". The first girl he loved he dated for 6 years and one day she woke up and walked out without a reason or anything. That was 10 years ago.

 

I admit my mistakes, but maybe I should let him see my family up front, instead of protecting him! Maybe then he will see I was not lying!

[Scott S]

They last email we had was today, his birthday! I figured I would be nice and just say a few words!

 

I said: Happy Birthday, may all your wishes and dreams come true!

He sent: Thank you, I hope the same for you

I said: You're welcome

 

30 mins later:

 

He sent: I found your big Astrology book when I was packing all my stuff up.

 

I've been scared to reply to this last reply of his! I don't know why he would bring this up after 2 months! I knew He was dropping hints along time back, about moving out, but I just was so scared with my parents being strict! I about the book, but never though I would ask for it back!

 

 

OK, I think that was very nice of you. I'm sorry the reply seemed terse. I think there is a lot of misunderstanding here. I concur with the others about trying to get together with him to talk for a while. It may or may not accomplish anything, but you'll never know if you don't try.

 

I know that circumstances in someone's life may necessitate camping with the parents for a time. It happened to me years ago. But it was with the understanding that it was strictly temprary until I got my situation back on track (post-divorce). It was for a few months, but while I lived there, there were rules to comply with & expectations to be met. Not to the extent you've had, of course. I do stand on my original statement that such a living situation does not lend itself to maturing.

 

 

[sNIP] I never meant him harm! I know alot of his coworkers and friends have put this in his head

 

I know you didn't. Now tell him that.

 

Take care. Let us know how it goes.

[Mr Spock]

Ah. You are Indo American. Your parent's strictness makes sense to me know-I know MANY Indian families. Some are less strict than others with their children.

 

Do you love your parents? I ask because I would imagine the only way you would be able to date whomever you wanted would be to sever ties with them.

 

Is this man worth upsetting your parents for? On the other side, will ANY man be good enough for their daughter?

 

You seem to be the one making all the sacrifices here. I'm not sure what could help you, save biding your time and saving up for a house so you can make your own decisions.

 

 

Did this guy also lose his job because of your relationship? If not, I'd consider it discrimination...

[chicasha]

I kinda understand your situation, because I am Indian too, and I've dated guys who are NOT indian.

 

BUT...I will have to tell you this: at the age of 28...you NEED....NEEEEEDDDD to start talking about this stuff with your family. If you are ok with having a serious relationship with people who are not Indian..then you really

need to bite the bullet and talk to your family about it.

 

I'm 27.....was dating an Italian guy. I'm not scared of my parents....i moved out when I got a job at 22.

They were REALLY strict, never allowed me to date, etc....but u know what..? I started talking to them about all this stuff, and even when I meet guys who are not Indian, I tell them about it.

 

Sure...they think i'm going thru a 'phase', that "i'll get over it and meet a nice Indian boy"...but who knows?

maybe i won't! maybe i'll end up with someone who's not Indian, and that's fine by me!! As long as the guy

I end up with is a sweetie-pie who treats me well, and is a GOOD person, then......for me thats all I need.

 

As for my parents.....they will have to accept him, b/c they know I won't settle for less. They don't want to admit it....but when that day comes, they will have to accept.

 

But...trust me.....they did not get to this point with serious discussion with me and the rest of the family. IT was hard.....doing that..I still hate bringing up that topic, cos they do make me feel guilty of not following traditions.

 

but at least i'm following my heart.

 

Seriously...if u need to talk about this further..feel free

[dazed&confused28]

I'm just emotionally trapped by my parents. I love them and do everything they ask, but all I get is negitive things back. My parents know about american guys and I. But they refuse to listen. And I refuse to take another home, because of the insulting things they say to them!

 

I feel I'm caught in the middle! I've lately stopped caring for my family! Maybe that's why I've decided to move.

Since I've told my parents, I've noticed coldness from my mother the most! Like I've commited some sin or something!

 

Trust me I know, they have dragged me to India for a arranged marriage twice. I had to play games the whole time there, just to come back single! I just have too much drama in my life! I just found out they are going again in December, but ever since I've said I'm moving the converstation has become nonexistence! I know they are ploting against me again! Trust me, I have patience too, they have done some horrible things to me and my life!

 

They are disappointed in me, and they say I'll never get married because I'm too old! Of course they mean, I can't get married in the Indian Community because I'm too old!

 

I really did like this ex. He liked me too! He delt with alot! I'll give him that! But now I've reliezed I have to move out, if I want to live a normal life. I've decided not to get into another relationship until I have my own place! I spent all night worrying about what response I should give to his email!

 

Why would he bring up a stupid book? And it's been two months after our relationship ended! He's had that book for 2 years! I'm just scared to respond to anything anymore!

[Scott S]

They are disappointed in me, and they say I'll never get married because I'm too old! Of course they mean, I can't get married in the Indian Community because I'm too old!

 

I really did like this ex. He liked me too! He delt with alot! I'll give him that! But now I've reliezed I have to move out, if I want to live a normal life. I've decided not to get into another relationship until I have my own place! I spent all night worrying about what response I should give to his email!

 

Why would he bring up a stupid book? And it's been two months after our relationship ended! He's had that book for 2 years! I'm just scared to respond to anything anymore!

 

 

One major reason that relationships fail is over-possessive & meddling parents/family members. The cultural differences here aren't helping either. You're old enough to live your own life. Here in our culture, a woman your age is entitled to make those decisions for herself.

 

It's unfortunate that your family is putting you in a position of having to choose between them & a love relationship. But it does happen, & not just in your culture either. It is states in the Bible, that a man will leave his parents to cleave to his wife. Parents & family that won't let go risk being estranged.

 

I think you should respond to his e-mail. Tell him you want to retrieve your book, thank him for finding it for you, and that you want to talk. That you have a lot to tell him.

 

BTW, in our culture, you aren't "too old." My wife was almost 38 when I married her. First marriage for her (my second).

[chicasha]

i feel for ya!! u are not old, don't listen to them. they'll say that to you over and over again, i know this.

im' proud that you have decided to move out.......u definitely should!!!!!! it'll be a shock to them...but how else are they gonna learn?!

 

i'm going thru crap right now too....i don' live at home, live a couple hours away. BUT..i gott deal w/ my much younger (22), more beautiful younger cousin, who has been seriously dating a good family friend of ours (he's the perfect guy...same part of india as us...very cute....REALLY nice, totally someone to take home to the family....).

 

SOO...now my family's like...well..SHE's 5 years younger than you, and has found the perfect man...what's ur problem..?? why can't u just pick a fobby guy from india and get it over with...jeez..ur too picky.

 

UGHGHGHG! I on the other hand have to deal w/ a broken heart after being rejected by someone I loved.... and deal w/ seeing my perfect cousin w/ her perfect boyfriend...and deal w/ my family wanting me to just get married off to anybody who will take me.

 

Jeez. thanks God, for handing me a ****ty love-life. what the hell did I ever do to not only deserve break-up after break-up....but also the pain of seeing a much younger family member get the perfect life that I've only been able to dream of....and still can only dream of, cos i'm no-where close to realizing the dream.

[dazed&confused28]

it's been 3 days since he sent me a email about finding my book. He's probably mad because I didn't email him in appropriate time frame! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...............

 

I opened his email and I hit reply and then freeze!

 

My mouth is dry and I don't know what to write.

 

I know anything I say will backfire, and I don't want to build up my hopes and then be let down again!

 

There's no way I could say "can we talk, or we need to talk"

 

One day we were in a restaurant, 2 years ago, when we first started dating and we were eating, and I said "remind me later, we need to talk about something" He seems to become pale white, when I use those words! He froze with this worried look on his face , I was scared he stopped breathing or something, when I asked him what was wrong, he said "why, what's wrong?" I then causally said "nothing, I need you to do me a favor on Wednesday, about my car", and his color came back normal! It was weird, I asked him why he just changed two different colors ? He said "I hates to hear those 'we need to talk' words, because they are never positive, and he's scared of those words!" I promised I wouldn't say it again!

 

Then in June 2004, I called him coming back from Great America. My sister and I went. I asked him 2 weeks before the trip, if he would like to come with me, he said he had to work the whole weekend. I even emailed him 2 days before the trip, and he said he can't b/c of work!. So on the way back home, I called him to leave him a message and he picked up. I asked him why he was home, and didn't he have to work, he said "we finished early, so I have Saturday and Sunday free, so where are you at?" I told him I was in VA, coming home from Great America. He all of a sudden sounded different, short answers and his voice was not so friendly, so I told him I will call him back when he's in a better mood and hung up. My sister told me to call him back and tell him we needed to talk about him getting mad over little things! So I did, he didn't pick up the phone this time, I left a voicemail "Call me back, we need to talk"

 

He never called back. Then the next week he sent a email saying "I feel you are stringing me along"

 

And 2 weeks later I emailed him to see if he was ok, since I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks, he was ok, until I asked him what's happened to us? Then I got another email saying " Well it doesn't seem like there is any "us" anymore. Any time I talk to you I basically get the feeling that you really aren't interested in this and just don't want to tell me that. I basically feel like I am getting the blow off like your ex. I have been more than understanding in this relationship and it really hasn't gotten me anywhere except getting to see and talk to you less. When I have tried to talk to you I just get a bunch of question back about me and what I want. "

 

Was it wrong for me to ask him what he wanted to be happy?? All I did was say, if you are not happy, please let me know. If you want out, please let me know! What can I do to make it better?

 

Anytime I suggested something moving in with him, moving out of my parents home, quitting my job...anything, his answer was "I can't tell you what to do", but there would be day he would hint at what he wants me to do.

 

I'm just the type of girl, who you have to tell things straight out to! I hate games, or head games! I don't like to be confused! Just tell me!

 

The day he broke up with me, he was calm.. no fighting, no being mean, no blames on each other.

And I was calm too!

 

I'm not mad at him for breaking my heart, I'm just mad at being not being able to tell me, when I asked over and over, if he was not happy!

 

After that it's been down hill every since!

 

And after 2 months on No Contact, I figure I would send a email, and not call him, and just say Happy Birthday. And he brings up finding my book when he was packing?

 

It's not a question: I found your book when I was packing, do you want it or can you pick it up?

It's a statement: I found your book when I was packing

 

What does he want me to do or say?? Is he doing this to rub this in?? Or is he trying to have a conversation again???

 

I'm just looking at it from 100 different angles! And it's not helping??

[FolderWife]

It sounds like a conversation....or maybe he's giving you closure.

 

You: Happy Birthday!

 

Him: Thank you.

 

You: You're welcome

 

Him:........*thinking, ok, end of conversation, she's just letting me know there's no hard feelings....wonder what she's up to...OH! I FORGOT TO TELL HER ABOUT HER BOOK! *Runs to computer and sends you an e-mail:

 

I found your book! Would you like me to mail it to you, or maybe you could come and pick...*thinking to himself...I don't want her to think I want her back, I don't want to lead her on....I like her, but I have a girlfriend...~hits back space to "I found your book" and hits send.

 

You don't reply very soon....so he doesn't check his e-mail for a couple of days....because he isn't thinking about it.

 

You're making WAAAAAAAAAY more out of this than it is. He....wants to be friendly with you, because he doesn't hate you, but that doesn't mean that he wants to get back together or lead you on.

 

He's just being nice to someone that he knew a while back. Even though your feelings about him are still raw, it doesn't mean his are. He's apparently got a girlfriend, so he's probably over you. He's not going to be mean to you, because he isn't angry at you for anything, but I'm sure he didn't intend to lead you on.

 

If you want to try to get a FRIENDSHIP with him, then e-mail him back, and ask him to mail it, or tell him that he can keep it. Don't push the issue. You can be e-mail buddies for a while, and see how that goes. He may not WANT to be in the position of caring about a girl that he has not chance of a future with because of her parents. It sounds to me like he's decided to not persue a romantic relationship with you, but he still liked you, and enjoys your company, and he would like to be your friend.

 

I hope this all makes sense.

[dazed&confused28]

Ok, so I built up the nerve to email him back on Friday. I kept it simple and short. I haven't built up things in my head, I've been more realistic then most people in this post room. I've always stated I just couldn't understand why he couldn't be open with me, and TELL ME! I gave him the option to leave months ago, just tell me, if you want out! Don't just move on, and make me figure it out! That's all I requested! I'm not mad at him, just not sure why he couldn't talk to me. Maybe because he was scared of hurting my feelings?? Well I wasn't! I only wanted the best for him! That's why I gave him all the options!

 

Anyways, I consulted with a co-worker in Canada. She told me to keep it simple and see how he reacts if I played it cool ! She was following the whole thing for the past 4 months! She gave advice from a married persons persepective, and having gone throught the same type of stuff when single!

 

My reply about the book: So, that's where it's been. It's been there for a while

His reply: Yea it was. It had been a long time since I had seen you.

 

She gave me her take on this, reply! I'm curious to hear some comments!

 

Just curious, why he responded that way? Any takes??

[chicasha]

tough.

either its his way of saying he misses you......or he's just simply stating a fact.

 

if u wanna respond, i'd keep it simple again....just say something like..'yeah...ur right...it has been a while....'

 

i dunno...maybe then he'll ask whether he can drop it off or something..?

[dazed&confused28]

Yeah you are right, that's what's been confusing me so much. He likes to see me squirm, it's always the case.

 

I told my coworker the same thing, maybe he's just stating a fact.

 

But she said "well you only answered about the book, which he brought up, and you didn't say anything else. I'm very surprised he threw in the not seeing you thing by himself"

 

I guess that is true, but couldn't he just talk about the book? Why did he have to bring up he hasn't seen me in a long time? Is he trying to rub it in?

 

Does it make any sense to start a conversation about a book and then add something like that in? Is he waiting for me to say something about that comment.

 

Mixed signals??

 

I'm trying to put two and two together....I'm sure he did that to screw with my head! I mean if you don't care about me fine, but why bring something like that up! He indirectly broke it off with me. So why bring this topic again?

[FolderWife]

Read my typing: You are reading WAY to much into this.

[chicasha]

ur going to go nuts trying to figure out what's going on in his head from just a couple sentences

in an email.

there's no point...u'll be torturing urself. Maybe u are reading too much into it.

 

If you really want to do what he's thinking.....you really should just pick up the the phone and ask him.

If you are not ready to do that...then wait a couple weeks and try to contact him again when you've let

things sink in.