rble618740 Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 On June 2, 2004 my husband and I got into an awful argument, and the next day he moved out. We had been married 9 months. Though we had argued a lot in the few weeks before that, I was VERY surprised by his leaving. He'd been out of work and trying to start a business, it was our first year of marriage, etc. I didn't expect it to be easy but I sure don't think our situation justified his leaving. He then told me for months he'd been thinking things weren't going to work out (even when things were going fine between us). We've been to a few marriage counseling sessions, we've had a lot of good conversations, and on August 13, 2004 he asked to come home for a "trial period." Things have been going very well. But the bottom line is, he thinks I'm a great wife, things are good, he just doesn't know if he wants to be married. At all. Maybe he's one of those people who just isn't cut out for marriage. He doesn't doubt at all that he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me, but he is struggling with wanting complete independence. Considering someone else in his decisions is harder than he thought it would be. Last night, he did something that had been a big point of contention before we separated. He stayed out late drinking. He hasn't done that in a long time, but it really upset me. He wasn't drunk when he got home but I had worried about him and it just felt like a slap in the face. I don't think he meant it that way, but I just don't think he "gets" marriage. I need some objective opinions. How do I deal with this ambivalence? Is his current noncommittedness fatal to our future? Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Ok this is my advice and you can take it for whatever its worth but here goes. Men will do what you let them do to you.... You let him stay out and you let him screw around and he will. Most women allow bad things to happen because they are afraid they will lose their man. Not concious of the fact that their inner strength is the only thing that will prevent them from losing their man. The first few years of marriage is always the most challenging in a relationship. The first year itself is the worst, everyone says so. That is because its the adjustment period. This is where he finds out all about you and you find out all about him. He is now testing your limits. To see how much you will allow him to get away with. He is going out and getting drunk now. What's next? Dont get me wrong, I think it is ok for spouses to have some independent activities but youve got to be careful about how far you let all of this go, cuz pretty soon you wont have a husband if it keeps going further. What I suggest to you is that you put your foot down when you start feeling uncomfortable with what he is doing. And I DONT mean play chicken. I mean tell him that you dont like what he is doing and back it up with actions. If he wont listen then you pack up and leave or dont let him come home until he straightens his act out. By the way if you are going to get weak then dont even try doing what I told you. Men dont understand conversations that you have with them they only respond to FIRM Actions that you take with them. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
sam5219 Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 When I read your post I have been going through many similar things as yourself except I have been married for 3 1/2 years and just became seperated. My husband said the same thing to me that "he didn't think he wanted to be married or wasent the marrying type". He also partied in excess with his friends staying out all night drinking. My advise to you is don't tolerate it! I told my husband to move out and that I wanted to go to counseling. Do the same! If he won't go to counseling then move on, if he will go to counseling then see if you can find out the underlying reasons why he feels this way and how you can make changes in your relationship. Seperation is very painful so just try to face one day at a time, it's helped me get through. Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author rble618740 Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Thanks for the advice and compliments. I hear what you're saying about moving on, and maybe someday soon I'll be able to do that peacefully, but I have strong religious convictions that I would have to ignore to initiate divorce. I can't do that right now. In North Carolina you have to be separated for a year to divorce anyway, so I wouldn't be doing myself any favors to stop trying now. I'd still be in limbo and have to wait 9 more months to file for divorce. Mostly I'm looking for a way to go ahead with my life as I saw it (getting a house, etc.) and putting the ball in his court to decide to jump in with both feet or bail. I certainly gave him all the opportunities to walk away cleanly but now he's back home. I told him I'd be alright if he wanted a divorce, that I want him to be happy even if that doesn't involve me, that I have forgiven him and myself for the mistakes made in the first 9 months of our marriage, and I let him know (without a tear in my eye) that I deserve a husband that will work to keep the vows he made to me and that he deserves happiness, as well. I told him that if he doesn't want to be a good husband to me, it's best that I know now. I told him all of this very lovingly while he was gone. I'd like to think that I made it as easy as possible for him to walk away and the fact that he didn't says something. We've also both made some changes for the better (he's gotten a job, made our marriage more of a priority, gone to counseling, etc.). Mostly it's his indecisiveness about the institution of marriage that's hindering us from having a GREAT marriage. I know that's indecisiveness is significant, I just don't know how long is too long to wait for him to make that decision. Certainly I wish he'd have done all of this soul-searching before we got married, but do I renig on my vows because he's uncertain now? I wish I would have said that I'd love and honor him until death do us part "if he does the same for me", but I didn't. I wish that the "worse" part of for better or worse would not have involved a wavering commitment on his part, but it does. I just feel that my promises were unconditional. Most people respond by saying, "So does that mean you have to be miserable for the rest of our life?" No. I have decided, for the time being, that I will continue to honor my vows AND I decide, everyday, to be happy in spite of my husband's issues. I can't control his heart or mind, but I can be happy in spite of them. My happiness is not dependent on him and that's empowering (even if people think it's a sign of weakness that I'm tolerating his indecisveness). I'll be alright either way this ends up, but I have to give it my all. In fact, I've shown strength, forgiveness, self-control, and tolerance I never knew I could. I'm a better person for this experience because I have chosen to be. I just wish there was a story like mine that ended successfully. It would be so nice to know that this situation can end positively. Who knows, maybe yours will be the one! Sorry for going from desparate plea for help to answering my own post. It's an emotional roller coaster and some days I don't know what to do (like when I posted the above) and others I'm so sure of what's right (like today). Again, your advice means a lot to me and I may be ready to take the action you suggest in the future, but right now, I don't think I can give up comfortably. Link to post Share on other sites
sam5219 Posted September 10, 2004 Share Posted September 10, 2004 Follow your heart! You sound like you are doing so already. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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