Do I suffer from borderline disorder?

[funnybunny]

I'm new here on loveshack. I read couple of threads and I'm hoping anyone can help me.

 

Im a 22 year old girl/woman. Throughout my teenage years (especialy 13-16) you probably could have best discribed me as a somewhat troubled child or in other words: a real headache. I would drink like a 40 year old man, stay out late, I would hurt myself and had a hard time setting boundries for myself and towards others. When I was about 17 I started to calm down a bit. A lot of stuff obviously happend between 17 and now, but I'll skip that part since I dont think its relevant for this story.

 

Since a couple of months, or probably longer, I've started to feel as if though I am losing control over myself. I feel like everything in my life kind of 'happens to me'. I'm not making conscious choices for myself anymore. I kinda let other deside and when it gets to stressful or too much I pull away, ignore them, hide, run, you name it. I'm not really focust on my school anymore and Ive gotten myself into some pretty dangerous situations (i damaged my liver with my drinking, hang out with 'the wrong type of people' and I've been threatened multiple times by various people over the past 4 months).

 

I feel empty inside as if though I have completely shut of my emotions. The only time I get emotional is when it comes to family and even with them I'm not as sensitive as I want to be. I think people must feel like I enjoy danger, like attention etc. I dont know if thats true, I actually doubt that. I'm really insecure and have never really been comfortable being the center of attention.

 

I'm actually a happy person in general, but I have no control over myself anymore and last week I started to cut myself again. Not big cuts, but small ones that no one would notice. For a motnh now Ive been feeling really stressed out and my heart rate often comes up to 130.

 

I honestly dont know what to do anymore, I recently saw the movie 'girl interrupted' for the second time after a couple of years. I really recognized myself in these girls, which I probably shouldnt... but it got me to thinking, maybe I have borderline disorder or something similar. I dont like labeling, but I would really like to feel normal again. And I feel like in order for me to feel normal again I should try to figure out what is wrong with me...

 

Sorry bout this long story, thank you so much if you've managed to read the whole thing. I would really appreciate some advice.

[Lauriebell82]

Sounds a lot like Borderline PD to me (I'm an addictions counselor). Make an appointment to see a therapist, possibly join some group therapy. I think it would be good for you to talk to others who are suffering in the same way.

[Desensitized]

funnybunny,

 

Welcome to Loveshack! I just want to say that I applaud your efforts in reaching out to the LS community, and seeking answers for what you deem to be behavior consistent with borderline personality disorder (BPD). As someone that was dating a young woman with BPD, I can say that a couple of things that you listed did strike me as behavior that my ex exhibited. However, I can not diagnose you over the internet as you may well know.

 

I would urge you to check out this site: Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

 

and see if you have any of these classic BPD traits. If you think you exhibit at least 6 of them, there's a good chance that you may have it. What really helped my ex was that she attended DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) and that helped her tremendously. Perhaps mentioning this to your psychologist (if you see one) would help the psychologist help you determine if you for sure have BPD.

 

BPD can cause a lot of problems if not acknowledged, so I am happy that you are seeking answers.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

You may find this thread of interest:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/340022-borderline-personality-disorder

 

Also, search the postings of member 'Downtown'. Some excellent practical information on aspects of the disorder.

 

A professional clinician is your best bet for a confirmed dx. There may be concomitant issues which a professional can sort. The good news is that it can get better. Good luck.

[funnybunny]

@Lauriebell82: Thank you! I'm actually seeing a therapist at the moment, but he specializes in cognitive behavioural therapy. he seems to not get why I'm there. I've never mentioned BPD to him before, but I guess I will next time I see him. Maybe he knows something about group therapy aswel!

 

 

funnybunny,

 

Welcome to Loveshack! I just want to say that I applaud your efforts in reaching out to the LS community, and seeking answers for what you deem to be behavior consistent with borderline personality disorder (BPD). As someone that was dating a young woman with BPD, I can say that a couple of things that you listed did strike me as behavior that my ex exhibited. However, I can not diagnose you over the internet as you may well know.

 

I would urge you to check out this site: Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

 

and see if you have any of these classic BPD traits. If you think you exhibit at least 6 of them, there's a good chance that you may have it. What really helped my ex was that she attended DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) and that helped her tremendously. Perhaps mentioning this to your psychologist (if you see one) would help the psychologist help you determine if you for sure have BPD.

 

BPD can cause a lot of problems if not acknowledged, so I am happy that you are seeking answers.

 

I actually checked out that website earlier today. I really hate to self diagnose, but I guess at this point I kind have to figure out some things. I think I recognize 5 or 6 of the symptoms on that list (fear of abandonment, identity disturbance, impulsivity, chronic feelings of emptiness, stress related paranoid thoughts) the rest Im not sure of, all I know is that I'm really not suicidal (thank God). But what im trying to figure out.. BPD, is that just a term that describes unfavorable behaviour, or is it an actual mental illness?

[funnybunny]

Welcome to LS

 

You may find this thread of interest:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/340022-borderline-personality-disorder

 

Also, search the postings of member 'Downtown'. Some excellent practical information on aspects of the disorder.

 

A professional clinician is your best bet for a confirmed dx. There may be concomitant issues which a professional can sort. The good news is that it can get better. Good luck.

 

Thanks, you all are so nice welcoming me to LS! I hadnt seen this post yet, yea it does discuss some of the question I'm having. I want to discuss it with my therapist anyway, but I was just wondering if anyone here has some kind of experience (in any way) with BPD. At first I thought I was turning in to a sociopath haha, but I guess Im not.

[carhill]

Here's the criteria for this disorder (classified as a serious 'mental illness') from the DSM:

 

Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center

[carhill]

Thanks, you all are so nice welcoming me to LS! I hadnt seen this post yet, yea it does discuss some of the question I'm having. I want to discuss it with my therapist anyway, but I was just wondering if anyone here has some kind of experience (in any way) with BPD. At first I thought I was turning in to a sociopath haha, but I guess Im not.

I have some experience with concomitant BPD/BP2 in a dx'd individual over about 18 years now. The most marked issue I deal with day to day is the 'walking on eggshells' aspect, not knowing whether I'll be idolized or demonized that day and what aura or word will trigger a switch. The lightning-fast and polarized mood swings are hallmark. There are also marked swings between child-like behavior and inappropriate adult behavior (for a person married to someone else).

[funnybunny]

I have some experience with concomitant BPD/BP2 in a dx'd individual over about 18 years now. The most marked issue I deal with day to day is the 'walking on eggshells' aspect, not knowing whether I'll be idolized or demonized that day and what aura or word will trigger a switch. The lightning-fast and polarized mood swings are hallmark. There are also marked swings between child-like behavior and inappropriate adult behavior (for a person married to someone else).

 

I'm sorry, that sounds very stressful and sad.. I personally recognize myself in the childlike behaviour vs inappropriate adult behaviour. I'm not married or in a relationship. But one moment I can have sex with someone almost twice my age, while the next moment I'll act like a kid. This kind of behaviour however, has fortunately become less. As for the anger issue, I dont really have that. I tend to walk away when something upsets me. To be honest I dont know if I upset easily, I dont think so.. But i would have to ask someone else.

[funnybunny]

For now. The DSM V is coming out in May, and I understand that personality disorders is one of the areas they've seriously re-vamped.

 

OP: Talk to your therapist. Or if he doesn't seem to "get it," find a different therapist and talk to him/her. I don't see anything good coming out of attempts to self-diagnose over the internet. And keep in mind that everyone displays some of the symptoms of BPD--or anythingPD, or probably anythingD--sometimes; the dx only applies to extreme cases.

 

I agree with you about the self diagnosing. For me I also have a problem with labeling behaviour as a mental illness. However at this point I feel like there is something really wrong and that I might even spiral out control real soon. Im starting to get scared because I dont really feel, dont really care, and cant take control of my own life. So I will need to come up with something.

 

My therapist is pretty good, he recognizes that I have really low selfesteem, show avoidant behaviour, have a control issue and am afraid to get hurt/be abandoned. But he specializes in cognitive behavioural therapy. So with every thought that I expres to him , he simply says 'why is that important, it really doesnt matter all that much, if you want this do this/if you want that do that' . At this point thats not really working for me. I guess I'll discuss it this week.

[Radu]

I personally don't think you have it, even though you find you have 5 of the criterias.

And be carefull because most therapist will never tell a patient if they believe that patient to have BPD or not.

 

The reason i don't believe you have it is :

- BPD cannot handle having their reality challenged, taking in constructive criticism

- BPD flip-flop on emotions as carhill stated, they go from loving to hating your guts

- even suspecting they have it, puts those identifying criterias in overdrive

 

It may sound like little, but their ego is so fragile that criticism of any form will make them blow up, they are hypersensitive to it.

In your case you could have done those things as a coping mechanism.

 

So ... what happened in your childhood that got you into the behaviour you had at 13-16 ?

[funnybunny]

I personally don't think you have it, even though you find you have 5 of the criterias.

And be carefull because most therapist will never tell a patient if they believe that patient to have BPD or not.

 

The reason i don't believe you have it is :

- BPD cannot handle having their reality challenged, taking in constructive criticism

- BPD flip-flop on emotions as carhill stated, they go from loving to hating your guts

- even suspecting they have it, puts those identifying criterias in overdrive

 

It may sound like little, but their ego is so fragile that criticism of any form will make them blow up, they are hypersensitive to it.

In your case you could have done those things as a coping mechanism.

 

So ... what happened in your childhood that got you into the behaviour you had at 13-16 ?

 

 

I like that respons thanks

When I get critisism, I feel embarrassed and I will completely avoid that person. At the same time I'll probably become obsessed improving that thing, I got criticized on.

 

What happend in my childhood? hehe, everybody has some messed up things that happen in their childhood. I just didnt respond well to it I guess.. depressed mom, dad little agressive, unpleasant & unwanted "sexual encounters" at a relatively young age stuff like that.

[theLWord]

To me it sounds like you may have this. Therapy and actually wanting to change are huge steps with bpd or not. I dated a woman who had this. I remember said when she would treat me great, like no one ever has..then I remember when she would be so distant like I wasn't even there. I remember googling things while she slept next to me like ” my girlfriend is cold..” Just anything where I could figure out the terrible treatment, then I found an article on bpd that way and was shocked at the similarities.

 

I made the mistake of telling my ex she had bpd and she went insane for months. Any time I would bring up therapy or the possibility that something was wrong with her. In her mind it was me and everyone else who was wrong. Then after about five months of hell, off and on, she told me that when she saw ” girl interrupted”that she knew she had it. She told me she researched it and felt she had it. After all the time I spent trying to get her to see that, she already knew.

 

Anyway, if you can realize your behavior is off at your age, and admit you may have that, you are ahead of the game. You may have to find a therapist that specializes in that. Good luck and props for being honest with yourself.

 

Oh and you should probably stop drinking. The affects are very strong in bpd people. My ex had hit me and ” forgot”. I think I saw the devil himself in her eyes when she would drink.

Edited March 17, 2013 by theLWord
Spelling

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi FB, welcome to Love Shack. One of the main traits of BPD is denial in the extreme that there could be anything "wrong" with the person who has the condition. Much of my adult life has been in the shadow of a relationship I had with a woman with classic BPD although I didn't know what her condition was called at the time. She was beautiful and sexy and came from the same sort of background as me, a native Brooklynite--liking the same music, food, both going back to finish our educations at night after dropping out at about 20. I was about five years older. Neither of us had kids, neither of us like having pets or animals in the house, we both had cars, we both loved sex, smoked weed and were deeply attracted. She once told me that "I take her breath away"--and coming from such a pretty girl that made me fee special. But with all that, it could not work out because she had a "complex" I later learned was BPD.

 

First, she had trust issues. It seemed that no matter what I did, I could not earn her trust and any time there was anything where she had to either give me the benefit of the doubt and trust me based on who I had shown myself to be or jump to the worst negative conclusion as if I were someone else she didn't know from Adam, she always chose to go negative. Secondly, instead of being quietly diplomatic about it, she would just say these remarks no matter what the timing was. It didn't matter if we just spent a whole weekend being totally intimate or if it were fie seconds to ringing in a new year when all the other couples were reay for the big smooch, she'd suddenly clobber me with some unfounded petty contrived jealousy that made no sense. It hurt me terribly because of my recurrent obesity problems which I had under control the whole time I knew her, I had spent many new years without having a squeeze at the ready to feel acceptence and love from. She'd turn moments like that into the beginnings of a fiasco. Did it on my birthdays--even when I had been exhasted from fishing in the sun all day and asked her that night to please try to give me the benefit of the doubt if I do anything that doesn't meet exactly with her approval. I was checking the menu at a European-Spanish restaurant, and she said "hun?" and I said "I'm listening" just letting her know I'm listening as I peruse the menu. She sharply quipped "was that necessary?" WTF? Was it my answer or did she imagine me oggling another woman or what. It was stuff like this that made getting along hard.

 

And if I'd get upset and challenge her as to why she can't be more trusting, rather than appologize or take responsibility--which was something unacceptable to her, she would escape into a "borderline" sub-personality. Sometimes it would be the innocent child who I was scolding for no reason, others it would bebe the tough butch who would bouble down with an even more hostile statement. She had been married before seeing me and the guy divorced her. I learned from her mother that he went through the exact same nonsense. A person with BPD is someone you can't love because you can't be sure of who they are. You can't argue with them and learn from a mistake because they escape and evade, So what you have is just periods of joy and then repetition of disastrous fights that ruin what should be memorable times. Eventually you realize that there is no future but that and even the sex and all the beauty in the world can't make up for not being able to earn someones trust, support, love.

 

From what you said, FB, you have some troubles which you could probably straighten out but people with BPD usually won't even consider that they have somethin like that and see everything that causes angst in their world as someone else's fault. I had to see a psychiatrist because I didn't understand what being involved with her could do to me. I was devastated and had a lot of work to d to sort myself out and start realizing that my own logic was what was driving me to depression and drink because her complex defied logic. It was like oil and water.

[Radu]

I like that respons thanks

When I get critisism, I feel embarrassed and I will completely avoid that person. At the same time I'll probably become obsessed improving that thing, I got criticized on.

 

What happend in my childhood? hehe, everybody has some messed up things that happen in their childhood. I just didnt respond well to it I guess.. depressed mom, dad little agressive, unpleasant & unwanted "sexual encounters" at a relatively young age stuff like that.

 

Yeah, that's what happens to me.

I named it social hypersensitivity, i don't know if it's the term used in literature or not.

I basically am/was an Avoidant Personality Disorder [that's a Cluster C]; i get very nervous when it comes to social interactions.

I can desensitize myself with repeated exposures and it's treatable that way.

Because of the anxiety i also used to bite my lips, or pick at my shoulders.

I stopped doing those things, so it is treatable.

[carhill]

Here's an update:

 

Final DSM 5 Approved by American Psychiatric Association | World of Psychology

 

Personality disorders:

 

DSM-5 will maintain the categorical model and criteria for the 10 personality disorders included in DSM-IV and will include the new trait-specific methodology in a separate area of Section 3 to encourage further study how this could be used to diagnose personality disorders in clinical practice.

 

Some background information (in .pdf form from the APA):

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=dsm+5+proposed+changes+personality+disorder&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CDIQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dsm5.org%2FDocuments%2FPersonality%2520Disorders%2FRationale%2520for%2520the%2520Proposed%2520changes%2520to%2520the%2520Personality%2520Disorders%2520in%2520DSM-5%25205-1-12.pdf&ei=xOtFUbXiNui7ygGFg4DQAg&usg=AFQjCNF9TBZUpEdoGe6p0t8z2q43YfeQQw&bvm=bv.43828540,d.aWc

[dirtysweet]

No one here can diagnose you. The best thing for you is to go to a counselor and discuss these feelings AND mention you think it might be borderline.... I went for years thinking I was bipolar, but never said a word to my doc because I felt embarrassed about self-diagnosing. But I was right! And I am now getting treated for it.

[Mack05]

Funnybunny I don't think you suffer from BPD. Maybe another disorder, bipolar but not BPD. Its rarer then hen's teeth that someone with BPD would ever admit to potentially suffering it.

 

One huge trait also is severe childhood trauma (abuse etc). Think this website is awesome..

 

T1 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

 

Dirtysweet is right on getting professional advice. Good on you for having the courage to face up to all this.

[Emilia]

I agree with those that say you should get a professional opinion and also with those that think you don't have it. You don't appear to have the unpredictable and vicious mood swings that in my experience characterise a BPD sufferer.

[Silly_Girl]

Funnybunny I don't think you suffer from BPD. Maybe another disorder, bipolar but not BPD. Its rarer then hen's teeth that someone with BPD would ever admit to potentially suffering it.

 

One huge trait also is severe childhood trauma (abuse etc). Think this website is awesome..

 

T1 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

 

Dirtysweet is right on getting professional advice. Good on you for having the courage to face up to all this.

 

Yes! In my experience there's no chance in hell of a BPD sufferer stating there may be something wrong with them. Unless attempting to elicit sympathy.

 

Great link!

[Emilia]

I don't like the article because I don't believe that all BPDs are necessarily manipulative. My ex isn't. It's just that his viciousness reflects how he thinks I think about him.

 

I think there are much better websites than that particular one, as if the author had an agenda against BPD sufferers. Then again, my ex's viciousness doesn't draw me into arguments with him anymore because I understand the root of the problem.